Whispers in the Dark
by Reddhg87
Summary: Following Nagini's attack, Hermione volunteers to care for her former Potions professor after he is released from St. Mungo's. The two must cohabitate at Grimmauld Place until Snape is well enough to manage on his own. But after a few months mutual indifference becomes hard to ignore. Rated M for adult themes and Lemons. Chapters marked for sensitive topics. Cover photo is not mine
1. Rebirthing

**Disclaimer:** This applies to all chapters. I do not own HP, nor do I make any profit from this story. All characters and Wizarding World references belong to JKR. One original character of my own is present, and will be noted in her debut chapter (minor significant role in story).

All sensitive subjects will be addressed at the front of each chapter for those who wish to skip them. **WARNING:** Story includes loss, some mild violence, mild swearing, and sexual content.

 _I lie here paralytic_  
 _Inside this soul_  
 _Screaming for you till_  
 _My throat is numb_  
 _I wanna break out_

\- Skillet

* * *

Chapter 1

Hermione checked her watch, it was almost dawn. She had been keeping vigil all night, watching, waiting. The man in the bed in front of her had been inches from death only hours ago. She watched as the potion, magically suspended on a small table at his head, drifted in a thin line to the wounds on his neck pulling the venom from his blood. Bright green went in and muddy yellow came out bit by bit. It floated away to a small bowl beside the potion and deposited itself. The level had risen slightly since the potion was first administered, but right now there was no knowing how long it would take for all of the venom to be removed. In the morning, she had been told, they would know more.

Hermione sat down in the chair beside the bed, cradling her head in hands. She wished there was more she could do. But right now the magic had to do its work. It was a slow process, and while she was accustomed to being patient, waiting like this was torture. She had been asked to leave the battle to watch over a man they had long considered their enemy, only to find out that he had been on their side all along.

After Voldemort had left Snape for dead, she, Harry, and Ron had rushed inside the boathouse. Hermione remembered watching, astonished, as Harry went to the man's aid, trying to stop the flow of blood from the numerous puncture wounds on his neck as he lay dying on the floor. At the time she had thought even after everything Snape had done he didn't deserve to die like this. She watched as he began to cry. His tears were an odd but familiar blueish color, and she realized that they were memories, and he was asking Harry to take them. Her hand had shaken violently as she groped blindly for a flask inside her bag and was surprised she didn't drop it as she handed it to Harry. He collected the tears and handed the flask back to her. Harry had then returned his attention back to Snape and again tried to staunch the flow of blood, but she could tell by the pallor that had come over the Death Eater's face, it was too late. He gazed at Harry, his mouth forming words she couldn't hear, and then his eyes closed.

For a moment they all believed him to be dead. But Harry, who had not yet removed his hand from the man's neck, looked up. "He's still alive." He had said in a rush, and had turned back to her, asking for the Dittany in her bag. But she had shaken her head, it was all gone.

The only thing they could do was take him to St. Mungo's. He needed the skills of the Healers there. Harry had asked Hermione and Ron to take him, he needed to get to the Penseive. Ron had refused at first only giving in after precious moments of shouting had been exchanged between him and Harry. Hermione had gotten down on the floor and taken over keeping pressure on Snape's wounds. She had removed his black cravat and pressed it firmly against the slice Voldemort had cut across the front of his throat in an attempt to stop the majority loss of blood. She had turned and yelled at Ron herself that they didn't have time for petty arguing and that he had to make a choice. In the end Ron had helped Hermione magically suspended Snape's unconscious body between them and they apparated off the castle grounds.

Hermione still didn't know how they managed to make it to London and inside St. Mungo's without causing Snape further harm. But once they were inside, the Healers on duty conjured a stretcher and rushed Snape into the first-floor ward for creature related injuries. Ron had disapparated the moment they were out of sight. And at first Hermione was about to leave as well. The Healers were obligated to aid any person, muggle or magical, that came into the hospital. She knew they would do all that they could. But something inside her told her to remain and help.

They healed the slice across his throat first staunching the loss of blood from the wound. Nagini's punctures were less cooperative to magical medicine. They refused to close and what was worse, the antidote the Healers were attempting to administer was not counteracting the toxin fast enough. There was too much of it in his blood for the antidote to have any real effect yet. If something else was not done Snape would not have survived the night.

Hermione had returned to Hogwarts at that point to find Harry and Ron waiting for her inside the hall off the back courtyard. They stood at the base of the stone stairs leading up into the levels of the castle. Harry looked anxious, Ron looked irritated.

"Did he make it?" Harry had asked in a rush and Hermione had explained that Snape was still alive, but he wouldn't be for much longer if enough of the venom in his system couldn't be removed in order for the antidote to work.

The Healers were attempting to use the same method of treatment that had been given to Ron's father following his attack by Nagini. But the volume of toxin in Snape's body was so high that the majority of it would need to be physically removed before antidotes would have any affect. She asked if Harry still had the basilisk fang and he had handed it over to her. He had made Hermione promise to return to the hospital and help in any way that she could. She was the only one among the three of them that would know what to do. He then explained why he was asking this of her and what he had seen in the Penseive. Snape had been fighting on their side all these years out of love for Lily.

"We have to try." Harry had said to her. "He doesn't deserve to die tonight."

Ron, who had been silent the whole time, finally stepped up. "And why does it have to be us that saves him? What has he done that deserves our charity?"

"He risked his life for years for all of us." Harry had snapped back, rounding on his friend. "He deserves a chance."

He had then turned back to Hermione making her promise to do her best. And she had agreed. She would stay all night and come back in the morning when she knew more. But Harry had shaken his head at her and told her to just go. He had to face Voldemort. And it was likely he would not come out of it alive.

Hermione knew that had been coming all along and she had hugged her friend fiercely thinking it was the last time she would see him. She stepped back from the two young men in front of her. She had looked at Ron, who only a few hours ago had held her in the Chamber of Secrets and finally showed her how he truly felt about her. The kiss had been an explosion of emotions following the destruction of a Horcrux. She had been so grateful not to have been killed that she would have kissed Neville Longbottom had it been him beside her. But she had had to push those thoughts aside. She disapparated, basilisk fang in hand.

Upon returning to St. Mungo's she explained her theory, how it may take the more potent venom from the basilisk to counteract the venom already in Snape's body. The Healers took the fang from her and set to work. While she had been gone Snape had been moved to a private room in the Dai Llewellyn ward. He lay in the bed, disrobed, but a sheet covered him up to his collarbone. His neck was cleaned up as best could be at the time. Bandages covered the puncture wounds, stained red with blood and yellowish-green with the venom leeching from his body. It was a grisly scene, but Hermione had sat down in the chair next to his bed and waited.

She didn't know how much time had passed when she heard the door open and the head Potioneer for the first-floor ward came in carrying a small cauldron filled with a bright green brew that smoked wildly. She had asked Hermione for help in setting up the potion at Snape's head, removing some of the bandages so the potion had an entry point and the venom an exit. The effect was obvious after only a few minutes. The deathly gray pallor began to leave Snape's face as the toxin was extruded from his body.

"That was an impressive theory." The Head Potioneer had told her with a small smile. "Will you stay and watch? The potion has to work its way through his body overnight, and hopefully in the morning we will know what more has to be done."

Hermione had glanced down at Snape, his supine form so still you would have thought he had already died. He had given up so much for so many years. He had risked his life over and over again without ever asking for anything in return.

She spoke without even thinking about it. "I'm not leaving."

~S~

The last thing Severus could remember was pain.

It consumed his entire body, numbing him as it burned through him. It was like a fire had been lit under his skin and it scorched his nerves as it coursed through his blood cancelling out all feeling. Faces swam in and out of focus as he tried to draw breath. It felt odd. Air wasn't coming in just through his mouth, he could feel tiny wisps of it float through the punctures in his neck.

Potter was there, trying to stop the flow of blood from his wounds. There were things he needed to say, important things. Secret things. But words failed him, he couldn't hold the air in his lungs long enough. There was only one way. With the last of his strength he concentrated on the most important details, condensed 38 years of his life into as coherent a pattern that he could. He had no wand with which to draw the memories from his mind. Instead he let them escape as tears.

He barely managed to choke out to Potter to take them, he needed to see. There were things he needed to know. Things he had never been told, and now was the time. His vision blurred as the blackness started to close around him. But then he saw her eyes, Lily's eyes, above him. Potter had his mother's eyes. And he was grateful for the chance to see them one last time.

~S~

He was floating, drifting. Lost in a sea of black nothingness. But the pain was leaving him now. He could tell that much. There was feeling again in his fingers and toes. He tried to move them, felt his body respond, but it was delayed. He could hear movement beside him, soft footsteps and the quiet breaths of a female. There was a fresh, clean scent of lemon in the air mixed with mint and lavender. Light was starting to come in to focus, but he knew all of this couldn't be possible.

Because he was dead.

And if having his throat slit by Voldemort hadn't killed him then the attack by Nagini surely had.

Light danced in front of his eyes, and he realized that they were closed. He attempted to open one, but it was too heavy. It was easier to keep them shut. He tried to breathe deep, draw air into his lungs. They expanded easily. No air moved across his throat, only down.

As he released the breath he felt a cool hand press to his forehead. The touch was soft, and was gone as quickly as it had come. He heard the same quiet steps from before move away from him as the female left the room. They returned only moments later, followed by more footsteps. These were heavier, more authoritative. There were whispered voices over him now. One was older than the other, deeper and commanding. The voice of someone in charge. The other was soft and distinctly familiar.

He tried to open his eyes again, only managing a crack, but the effort drained his strength considerably and he shut them again. He had caught sight of lime green and nothing more. He heard his name being called and someone touched his shoulder. He didn't have the energy to respond. It was exhausting to even think of trying to form words in response. Returning to the blackness seemed the better option. He knew it would be effortless to allow his body to slip back into the void. But he still didn't know where he was, and more so, why he was still alive. Because surely if he were dead it would have been only too easy for him to perform the actions his body seemed to be rejecting.

But those questions would have to wait. He felt the dark pressing on his mind once more. He allowed himself one more deep breath before letting it take him back under.

~S~

" _Severus,"_

Someone was calling to him again. An imposing female voice. A hand was on his shoulder. The voice called his name again, more firmly this time. It was trying to draw him out of the comfort of the blackness around him. He didn't want to leave it. He didn't want to wake. It was safe and secure here in the dark.

" _Severus,"_

The voice was demanding a response now. He just wanted it to stop and leave him to rest. That was what he needed. But it did not seem he would be getting his way. He cracked first one eye with what felt like tremendous effort, and then the other. A kind, older feminine face came into focus. The woman beside him was dressed in the lime green robes of a St. Mungo's Healer. She smiled indulgently at him and nodded.

"Finally. You've been fighting us for the past few days."

Fighting? His body certainly felt as though he had been through battle. He attempted to shift, maybe sit up, but she held him down with a firm hand. "No, you stay right where you are. You are in no condition to attempt movement right now."

Normally he would feel his brows draw together in confusion, but even the muscles of his face betrayed involuntary action. "Wh...why am I here?" he almost choked on the words. It was agony to force his throat into movement it clearly did not want to execute. It felt stiff and unused.

"You were brought here."

"When?"

"Four days ago. We have been working to remove the venom from your body but it is proving stubborn."

"Wh…who?" He croaked out.

The older witch stood up from her slightly bowed position over him. She moved to the side so he could see behind her. He had to turn his head a little, but there standing just behind the Healer was a young witch he had never thought to see again. Her wild brown hair was tied back at the moment in a braid and she was dressed in green robes as well, but instead of solid lime they were vertically striped alternatingly with pale green.

"You?" he hissed at her, but not in anger. He simply could not help the tone his voice took at the moment.

Hermione Granger said nothing. She simply stood there staring at him. Her face quickly registered relief at seeing him, but it was gone in a moment. Instead her expression went blank and she nodded in acknowledgement of his question.

"How?"

"Those details are not important right now." The Healer spoke this time. "But I will tell you that it was Miss Granger who came up with the solution that saved your life."

His eyes flicked to her, she was still staring at him, her face still blank. But he could see it there, lingering in her eyes. Relief. But from what? Seeing him alive? Surely not.

"How?" He asked again, turning his attention back to the Healer.

She shook her head. "Again, the details are not important right now. You need rest."

 _Then why ever did you wake me in the first place?_ He though bitterly. But as soon as she had spoken the word, he could already feel the darkness coming for him again. And he fell into it, grateful for the reprieve. The last thing he saw as he slipped back into sleep was the hem of Miss Granger's robes as she exited the room.

~S~

He didn't know how much time had passed when he woke again, but when he opened his eyes Miss Granger was sitting in the chair beside his bed. She was dressed again in her striped green robes. In her lap was a pile of clean bandages that she was magically mending and folding, and then moving to a basket on the small end table beside her with a flick of her wand. She looked up from her work and saw that he was awake. She stood so suddenly that the pile of bandages fell from her lap into a heap on the floor. But her grip on her wand had changed. It was defensive. An instinctive reaction from spending years at war.

"I'm sorry." she muttered as her grip on her wand relaxed, and she placed it on the table. She quickly picked up the bandages, stuffing them into the basket.

Why was she apologizing? He had been the one to startle her. He tried to move again, but she rushed forward and held him down, just as the Healer had. In all the years he had known this young woman she had never touched him. His eyes flicked quickly to where her hand lay on his bare shoulder. She pulled back instantly, as though his skin had burned her.

"I'm sorry," She said again, "but you can't move yet. Not until the potion is removed."

He looked to the other side, turning his head slowly, and saw for the first time that a small black cauldron hovered magically over a second end table. A thin stream of bright green liquid floated from it and across the space to his bed. He couldn't see where it was going but he assumed it was his neck. Now that he was aware of it he could feel a tingling warmth in his throat. Beside the green liquid floated a sickly-yellow liquid that dropped into a white bowl beside the cauldron. The venom from Nagini.

He turned his eyes back to the young witch. She was folding the haphazard pile of bandages trying to tidy her mess.

"Explain." he rasped at her.

Severus watched her take a breath. Although it was deep, her shoulders barely moved. She kept her eyes on the basket in front of her. He couldn't see her expression in profile very well, but her body language told him she was hesitant. After a moment she gathered herself and turned to face him. The change in her astonished him. Her expression and posture transformed from uncertainty into confidence in a moment and she began to explain in a strong, assured voice.

She told him everything. How she and Weasley had brought him here. How she had stayed behind to help when the antidote the Healers attempted to use did not work, and how she had come up with the idea of using basilisk venom. The more powerful toxin pushed the inferior one out while an addition of phoenix tears kept the basilisk venom from causing further damage. Because the potion required an open wound to work, a small amount of blood-replenishing potion had been mixed in to top off what he would lose in the hours that the potion was administered.

Because Nagini had been such a powerfully magical creature there was some venom too deeply rooted in him that it may never release entirely. But only time would tell. She went on to further explain how Harry had gone to meet Voldemort in the forbidden forest. How a second attempt on his life had been made with the same curse, and that Harry had survived again. In the end he had defeated Voldemort, ridding the world of the Dark Lord once and for all.

While Severus was not surprised to hear this, some of the details of how it came about were shocking to him. He took away from Miss Granger's story a feeling of profound freedom. Something he had not felt for the last twenty years. He turned back to the young witch as she resumed her seat.

"Why are you still here?" He asked, his voice cracking with disuse. He could barely speak above a whisper. He was referring to the hospital, not what she was doing at his bedside. He supposed she could take the query either way, but this was the brightest witch he had ever known. Surely she would hear what he truly meant by the inquiry.

"I was offered an apprenticeship." She stated simply, as if it was common fact. "The Healer-in-Charge was impressed with my instincts and asked me if I wanted to stay on for some time to see if this was a position I would be interested in."

He could not imagine this young woman wanting to be a Healer. It was a calling not many wizards heard. Yes, she had the instincts, as she had just pointed out, and clearly she had the nerve. But she was also a Gryffindor which meant she was exceedingly brave. This was not a position for her to be wasting her gifts in.

"And why are you _here_?" He asked, doing his best to indicate the space between them.

"I offered to take this watch. I can leave if you don't want me here. I would understand."

"I never asked for you to leave."

He thought he saw the corner of her mouth lift into a small smile. "Well then, would it be all right if I resumed my watch?"

He had never been overly fond of company, having preferred his own for years. It gave him the quiet he favored in order to think. But knowing that she was nearby, this extraordinary young witch who had saved his life, felt strangely comforting to him. He wasn't entirely sure he liked it.

He turned away, his eyes on the ceiling. "Stay as long as you like."

~S~

At the end of another day Hermione went to the basement of the hospital where the potions laboratory and staff room was. She changed out of her apprentice robes leaving them in the cubby labeled H. Granger, Apprentice. She pulled on her denim jumper over her muggle shirt and tied up her trainers. She still carried her beaded hand bag with her everywhere, although now storing a significantly less amount. She kept every book she owned on magical plants, antidotes, and healing spells on her at all times, as well as a bottle of Dittany, spare parchment, quills, ink, a few flasks, and two of the coins she had enchanted in Fifth year for communication between D.A. members. She never knew when they would come in handy, and had improved upon her original Protean charm making it possible for those two coins to communicate only with each other.

She pulled her hair free from the braid she always wore it in while at the hospital and raked her fingers through it loosening the plait even more. It felt good to finally let her hair down after a long day. She was looking forward to returning to Grimmauld Place, a quick meal, a hot shower, and a large pot of tea.

Snape had improved much in the five days he had already been in St. Mungo's. There was more color in his face today and he was clearly getting some modicum of strength back, if his ability to banter with her before had been any indication. Hermione smiled to herself as she headed out. Even though Snape could be a real git sometimes he really was a good man underneath. She had already seen some glimpses of it, and she would be lying to herself if she thought she didn't want to see more. In all the years she had known Severus Snape she had always had a feeling that he was much more than the dark, cynical man he presented to the world. There was so much more going on underneath all of that, if what Harry had seen in the Penseive was true.

Hermione stopped by the ward entrance on her way out and stuck her head in. Snape had been moved out of the private room on his second day and was sharing the ward with only one other wizard right now, and he would be released tomorrow. Snape was fast asleep in his bed on his back. One of the Healers had come by and changed his bandages again and pulled the blanket up to his shoulders. She watched the rise and fall of his chest as he breathed and wondered for a moment what he was dreaming about. But she shook the thought off and continued on her way out, disapparating as soon as she exited the hospital.

After her first night in St. Mungo's when she had seen Harry again he had asked her if she had anywhere to go and he offered her Grimmauld Place. Later that day, when she felt secure leaving Snape in the capable hands of the Healers, she returned to the house that she, Harry, and Ron had stayed in briefly when they first ventured out to start hunting Horcruxes. Kreacher was gone. Harry had heard from Kingsley Shacklebolt that after Hermione had thrown off Yaxley outside Grimmauld Place when they escaped from the Ministry he had returned with two Death Eaters and tortured the poor house-elf in order to make him give up where the trio had disappeared to. Kreacher, not even aware that they had attempted to return, had died for his lack of information. Kingsley told Harry that he had stopped by the house after hearing of the incident but never recovered Kreacher's body.

Hermione appeared in the small park across from Grimmauld Place and after casting a revealing charm to see if anyone else was around, crossed the road and waited for Number Twelve to appear. She stepped inside and locked the door behind her casting her usual wards over it. She left her jumper and bag in the hallway, careful to not make any sudden sounds lest she wake the portrait of Sirius's mother, (something would have to be done about her), then took the stairs down to the kitchen. She really wasn't in the mood to cook, but she knew she had to eat something.

Harry had been kind enough to transfer a significant amount of money from his vault at Gringotts to Hermione's so she would be able to purchase food, supplies, and anything else she might need while she stayed in the house. He had flat out ignored her refusal to the money and swore she wouldn't have to return a single knut to him. It was his choice and he was choosing to help her. Ron had been sore about it, and was still sore about it, because he wasn't able to provide for his girlfriend in the same way that his best friend could. Hermione had tried to explain that Harry was doing his part as her friend while she stayed in London for her apprenticeship, and that he, Ron, was able to offer her something more that Harry could not.

Ron had not immediately caught on to her meaning but when it finally dawned on him he had merely scoffed at her and questioned what kind of relationship they were in if she was living in London full time, committed to an apprenticeship, and he was at home with nothing to do. Hermione had offered for Ron to stay with her but he didn't want that. He wanted Hermione at the Burrow with him. He asked why she had to do this apprenticeship now, and what would she get out of it when it ended and decided it wasn't for her.

Hermione had then made the mistake of bringing up Snape and trying to explain that Harry had made her promise to stay with him. That had led to their first fight only two days ago. Ron's angry voice still rang in her head as she put together a small dinner of leftover chicken and cooked vegetables from the previous evening.

After a year of being on the run she didn't have much of an appetite anymore. They had all lost weight, Harry having pointed hers out only the other day when he noticed how loose her clothes appeared on her. Hermione had been slender her entire life and therefore had not noticed the change. She had acknowledged her friend's comment and simply used a size-adjustment spell on her clothes to make them fit better.

She ate most of her dinner as she poured over some of her books on healing, focusing on serpent bites and known antidotes to see if there was maybe a combination of a few that could be made in order to produce a more effective result of toxin counteraction. Hermione didn't remember falling asleep, but she assumed she must have when she felt someone shaking her.

"Hermione, wake up."

She blinked a few times and picked her head up off of her arms. She had fallen asleep at the kitchen table on top of the last book she had been reading, _Antidotes and Antitoxins: A Guide to Healing Venomous Bites and Stings_.

"Late night?" Harry asked as she sat up, rubbing her eyes.

"I guess so." Hermione responded through a yawn. She closed the book and watched her friend move around the kitchen as he made tea. "What time is it?"

"Almost seven. I wanted to come by and see how you were. How's Snape doing?"

"Much improved. You should come in and see him. Explain some things."

"I plan to in a few days. Any word on how long he's going to be in St. Mungo's?"

"The Healer-in-Charge believes he will be recovered enough to leave in about another week or so, but he would still need to be on bed rest for at least two more weeks after that while he continues to heal and regain his strength."

"Does he have anywhere to go, or anyone to take care of him for that matter?" Harry set the fresh pot of tea between them at the table and sat. He poured two cups and handed one to Hermione.

"Thank you." Hermione took the proffered cup and blew on it for moment before taking a sip. She set it down and looked at her friend. "Not that I'm aware of, so he would probably have to stay at St. Mungo's until he can leave on his own."

Hermione watched her friend think as he sipped his tea. "He won't want to do that. He's too independent. _You_ wouldn't want to do that."

"Not when I know I'm perfectly capable of taking care of myself. But _he_ wouldn't be. He'll still need a constant supply of potions for some time after he's released."

They were silent for a minute and Hermione finished her first cup and poured herself a second. There was only one solution she could think of.

"What about bringing him here?" Harry asked. Hermione looked up at him in shock. That was what she had been thinking, but imagining Ron's reaction had kept her from voicing it. "Not the best idea, I know." Harry stated when he saw her expression.

"No, I mean, it's a fine idea. I was thinking the same thing. I just...what about Ron?" She circled her finger around the rim of her teacup in thought.

Harry poured himself a second cup of tea as well. "I'll talk to him. Try to make him understand."

"Maybe we should both talk to him. I'm more than willing to do whatever has to be done to help."

"Yes, but you shouldn't have to sacrifice your relationship in order to do it."

"If Ron doesn't want to understand what it is we're trying to do then he would be the one sacrificing our relationship. Not me. It's not like I plan on falling in love with Snape."

Harry smirked over the rim of his teacup at her. "Yes, because that would just be the epitome of weird."

Hermione smiled back, her finger still circling the rim of her cup. She bit her lower lip in thought. Harry was right, falling in love with her former professor would be weird. But she did care about him, or at least she cared about what would happen to him. So she made up her mind, and one way or the other, Ron was just going to have to accept it.

Once Snape was released from St. Mungo's she would bring him here for the remainder of his recovery time. And then he would be gone from their lives. And she and Ron could continue on where they had left off.


	2. Come Alive

Disclaimer: See Chapter 1

 _I lay there in the dark_  
 _And I close my eyes_  
 _You saved me the day_  
 _You came alive_

\- Foo Fighters

* * *

Chapter 2

Severus was glad to hear the following afternoon that he would be allowed to sit up finally, and dress in full clothing again, even if they were hospital regulation pajamas. The potion had been taken away for now, and a paste applied to his neck and covered with bandages. He slept on and off, and tried to eat the food that was brought for him. But it was still painful to try and make his throat move, even the infinitesimal amount it took to swallow thin broths. The pressure the motion applied to his trachea was unbearable, and he could barely manage a few sips before he had to stop.

Miss Granger had not come back since she had left at the end of her watch the previous evening. He must have fallen asleep because when he woke again she was gone. But on the table next to his bed was a neat pile of perfectly folded bandages, waiting to be used.

He had not seen anyone else he recognized, and perhaps that was a good thing. How would people react to seeing him right now? What kind of welcome back into the wizarding world could he expect? Perhaps once he was recovered enough he could simply go off on his own. He was no longer bound to anything or anyone. He could live and do as he pleased wherever he pleased.

Yes, that sounded tempting.

Maybe he could even get hold of a broom and explore the world in a way he had never been able to before. There were many far off lands and countries he longed to visit and explore. And then it occurred to him. He would not even have the ability to indulge in these fantasies if it had not been for a certain witch and her compassion.

Severus opened his eyes from the light nap he had been trying to have to find the witch in question walking in to his room carrying a small tray. On it was a silver cup, obviously filled with some potion since it was smoking gently. Beside it lay the morning edition of The _Daily Prophet_. She deposited the tray on the bedside table and handed him the silver cup. He assumed he was supposed to drink it. Glancing at the brew inside he immediately recognized the blood replenishing potion. It seemed to have been prepared fairly well. It was a little off color than what it should it have been, but it would still work well enough.

He looked up at Miss Granger and felt an eyebrow quirk in question. She was giving him a look that told him to drink the potion now or he would be in trouble. "I didn't brew it, but I was told to make sure you drank it immediately."

Severus took a quick breath, preparing himself for the pain, and tipped the cup back, taking the potion in a single swallow. He felt his eyes screw shut, and when he opened them again Miss Granger was reaching out as if to touch him, make sure he was all right. But she pulled her hand away as soon as his eyes met hers. He handed her the cup back. She placed it on the tray and picked up the paper.

"I thought you might want to get caught up on current events." She handed it to him and he took it, glancing at the headline.

 _DEATH EATERS ACQUITTED OF ACTIONS PERFORMED – NAMES CLEARED_

Below the head line was a lengthy article that took up almost the entire front page and was continued onto pages 4 and 5. Miss Granger sat down in the same chair next to his bed and waited while he read the bulk of the article. Lucius and Draco Malfoy had been cleared, which he had expected, as well as a few others he recognized. The majority of the article discussed the battle at Hogwarts, followed by the debates and hearings that had already taken place in the last week. As he scanned the list of names he was shocked to find his own at the bottom. But did the wizarding world at large know he was still alive? He read on for a few more paragraphs and found the answer to his question.

 _Severus Snape, former Headmaster of Hogwarts, has been cleared of charges brought against him as a Death Eater. Information has recently been relayed to the Ministry of Magic that this man, thought to be the right hand of the Dark Lord, was acting as a spy against He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named from within the Death Eater ranks for the past 18 years. This correlates with testimony given by Albus Dumbledore in 1980 concerning the status of Severus Snape after an accusation laid by Durmstrang Former High Master, Igor Karkaroff. At this time, Severus Snape is recovering from wounds sustained on the night of May 2nd during the final battle against the Dark Lord. He is under the care of Healers at St. Mungo's Hospital for Magical Maladies and Injuries. His current condition is unknown._

It went on to credit him for his bravery and that the wizarding world owed him a debt of gratitude. He tossed the paper down, disgusted.

"I know what you're thinking." Miss Granger stated, sounding convinced.

He looked up at the young witch. She sat with her back straight and her hands folded demurely in her lap.

"And what do you…assume that to be?" He asked slowly in as quiet a voice as he could, trying to restrict the movement of his vocal cords.

"That everything in there is complete nonsense. It doesn't matter what they think, it's not going to change what happened. What any of us had to do to survive. Their opinion is irrelevant. And you feel that this 'debt of gratitude' is not deserved."

He felt his eyebrow quirk in surprise. She was sharp. He was impressed.

"You may feel that way," She continued, talking to her hands more than to him, "but in the end you really did save us all." She looked up at him, a small smile pulling at the corners of her mouth. She rose to leave, but paused at his bedside. "And there are at least a few of us that feel we do owe you a debt of gratitude. So I hope you'll understand how much I mean it when I say…thank you."

She picked up the tray and walked out, leaving Severus alone with his thoughts.

He was going to have to reassess his opinion of this girl.

When he had first met her she had been eager, driven, and determined to prove herself to the point of showing off with all of the knowledge she had acquired in such a short amount of time. As he had watched her mature over the years she left the hand-waving little girl behind and grew into a serious young witch dedicated to her magical education. She learned that it was a far better show of her intelligence to perform the skills she had learned, rather than trying to impress everyone by sounding like she had swallowed a textbook.

Now here she was, of age and a war veteran. She had grown hard since he had last seen her before he became headmaster. Any trace of that little girl was gone. She had learned to control her emotions, for the most part. She barely let slip whatever it was she was truly feeling underneath. Except for when he had first come back to full consciousness. There had been that look of utter relief on her face when she first saw him, but he recalled that it was gone in an instant, replaced with the strong, resolute expression she always had around him now. As if she were determined to never let him see her vulnerable like that again.

He could respect that. Vulnerability had never helped him in his life. It had only led to pain and suffering.

He finally looked away from the empty space that had been occupied by Miss Granger only moments before and picked up the paper he had thrown on to his lap. He opened it back up to the article and went about finishing it.

~S~

Two days went past and she did not return to sit with him, or administer any more potions. She had told him she was doing an apprenticeship and he assumed the Healers were keeping her busy. Or perhaps she was avoiding him now? No, certainly not. Hermione Granger was not a young woman that would cower away simply because she had stepped outside of her comfort zone to express her gratefulness.

However, when she did return, she was not alone. And she had in tow a young man that he was certainly nowhere near ready to face. But perhaps that had been her intention. Miss Granger, clad in her striped green robes stood at one side of his bed while Harry Potter stood on the other. His expression told him the young wizard had intentions of attempting a serious conversation. Severus mentally conceded. It was not like he could simply get up and walk out of the room. He was sure if Miss Granger could not get to him quickly enough, that a Healer outside the door would be ready to perform a binding jinx on him and return him to his bed without any kind of ceremony.

At first, Potter just stood there, glancing at Miss Granger, and then around the ward. He was clearly as uncomfortable about this as Severus felt.

"Am I to break the ice, or are one of you going to eventually speak?" He asked, his voice a little louder now that the pain in his throat had subsided significantly.

"How are you?" Potter asked, clearly going with the first question that popped into his head.

"Never better, as is obvious."

Miss Granger snorted loudly and Severus turned sharply to gaze at her. She tried to hide a smile behind her hand as she chuckled. The effect that smile had on her face was astounding, he had never seen her so lit up before, even if she was laughing at his expense. Somewhat.

"Sorry, bad question." Potter apologized and glanced to the chair next to the bed. "May I sit?" When Severus didn't reply he sat down anyway and rested his hands in his lap. "I wanted to talk to you about what's going to happen when you're released."

"Why do you care?"

"Well, I didn't know if you had any place to go, or to stay."

"The Healer-in-Charge feels confident that you can leave in the next few days, but you will be confined to a bed for at least two more weeks. There is still a significant amount of venom to be removed, and your strength has not fully returned. They do not feel that you would be capable of brewing the necessary potions yourself while you are still in recovery." Hermione explained this in a calm, direct voice.

And then Severus knew what they were getting at. "I do not require a babysitter." He stated firmly, staring at her.

"And I wouldn't consider it babysitting." Miss Granger shot back. "Hear us out, please."

He looked up at the young witch. Her expression was fierce and determined, but her eyes spoke volumes more. He sighed, and nodded his consent for Potter to continue.

"I still have the deed to Grimmauld Place. Hermione has already been staying there for the past week. Its habitable."

"Well, now it is." Miss Granger stated, her voice lightening. "It took me a few days to clean what had built up in Kreacher's absence. And we managed to curse the portrait of Walburga Black off the wall finally. Phineaus's portrait is there now, but he hardly ever comes into the frame anymore."

Potter nodded, glancing at Miss Granger with a small smile. "Took us a day and a half to get her down." He turned back to Severus, his expression thoughtful once more. "I wanted to offer the house as an option for you. I assume you do not want to stay here longer than necessary."

"That would be an accurate assumption, however, I do not require your charity."

"It's not charity." Miss Granger pressed, "We want to help."

Severus glanced between the two of them for several moments. He realized her use of the word 'we' indicated only her and Potter. "And where is the third member of your little trio?"

"Ron is having difficulty understanding." she said slowly. "He's grieving for his brother."

This was the first time Severus had heard of a death that was so close to home for both of them. He had not known of many. "I am sorry for his family. I know I caused the deaths of many over the years, even executed some myself."

"And we don't blame you." Potter spoke up, "What happened that night was not of your making. I know the reasons behind everything you did, and why you chose to do them. You lov…"

"Please, don't." Severus cut him off, holding up a hand. He felt his chest constrict as his heart clenched at the thought of Lily Evans. "I can not discuss this. Not right now."

Potter nodded and sat back in his chair. He glanced at Miss Granger. Severus followed his gaze back to the young witch. "Is there more you needed to ask me?"

"Well, going back to our original conversation, we wanted to offer you the option of staying with me at Grimmauld Place until you are fully recovered."

Severus broke her gaze, he leaned back against the iron bars of his bed and shut his eyes. "I need to consider it."

"Of course." Her voice was small, almost a whisper. He heard the chair next to his bed shift and the sounds of two pairs of footsteps leave the ward.

~S~

It took him a few days to decide. He told himself the only reason he was accepting this offer was because he had nowhere else to go. And Potter had been right, he did not wish to remain in the hospital any longer than was absolutely necessary.

Arrangements were made for his release, but the Healer-in-Charge wanted him to go through another round of the potion overnight, to try and draw as much toxin from his body before he left. They had been administering different pastes to the wounds on his neck, but they were still not closing. While this was good for removing the venom, the longer they remained opened, the more blood he lost, and the longer it was going to take for them to fully heal.

Miss Granger came by more often in those few days before he was released. She stayed with him the entire night while he had to remain still and allow the potion to do its work. He was offered a dram of dreamless sleep, but had refused. He knew there would be no rest. His mind was too conscious now of his surroundings.

She took her usual seat beside his bed, reading a tome on the proper care and recovery time of varying serpent wounds and how the venoms inflicted affected the healing process. Every time she would shift to get comfortable he caught the scent of lemon, mint and lavender. He had grown accustomed to it, and was now finding it to be a source of comfort.

When the morning came he glanced over to her chair and noticed she had curled up, her head resting on her arms, fast asleep. Her book was on the table beside her. She was utterly at peace in rest. He felt a twinge of guilt. Sleep should not be the only place she could find such solace. He watched her, the rise and fall of her shoulder as she breathed evenly. She must have sensed him because her eyes opened at that moment. She gave him a small smile, straightened out of the chair and fixed the fall of her robes. They were a little creased from where she had curled up on them overnight, but with a flick of her wand the wrinkles disappeared.

She then went about cutting off the flow of potion and waited for the last drops of venom to fall into the bowl before she slipped a tray underneath both vessels and levitated them down to rest on its surface. "I have to check the wounds." She said, by way of both asking for permission and apologizing at the same time.

He stared at her for a moment, but then tipped his head back and allowed her fingers to probe gently. His neck still felt tender and very sore. But only around the wounds. His throat seemed to be functioning normally now. He could swallow and speak regularly without pain. Miss Granger continued to clean his wounds and applied some paste to them, covering them over with fresh bandages. Her touch was methodic and gentle. She glanced up at him at one point in her ministrations. He held her gaze, hoping his expression didn't betray any kind of discomfort. He could tell she was doing her best not to hurt him. But that didn't mean he enjoyed having her invade his space like this. It made him uneasy.

He glanced down at her hands where they were still adjusting bandages, making sure they were secure but not overly tight. "Done," She said a moment later and offered him a small smile. She gathered everything on to the tray and picked it up, ready to leave. "Would you like me to bring you anything?"

Severus shook his head. "Not right now." She nodded and turned to go. "Miss Granger." He called her name quietly. She stopped and turned over her shoulder to look at him. "I have never been very adept at expressing my gratitude, or giving credit where it has been earned. I believe you are familiar with the latter." She nodded, an acknowledgement and her way of telling him to continue. "I hope you will respect how hard it is for me to accept the aid you have given, and the assistance you and Mr. Potter wish to offer." He paused, watching her.

She walked back over to his bed and set the tray down, sitting beside it. His hand lay close to hers and for a moment he thought she would reach out and take it, but she kept her hands in her lap.

"I do understand. And I do respect it. Coming from a muggle family I had a disadvantage going into Hogwarts. I knew the only way I would ever prove that I could be as good a witch as any pureblood girl there would be to work hard and learn everything on my own. But secluding myself in that way only made me miserable. Even more miserable than I had been living in the muggle world. I was an outcast among my peers there as well. It wasn't until I allowed myself to open up to others and make some friends…"

At this moment, she trailed off and her gaze fell to his hand. He wanted to hold it out to her, but that would mean revealing the sympathy he felt for her. And that was not an option. He couldn't expose himself in that way. It would leave him vulnerable.

"Thank you," He offered instead, "for everything that you've done."

~S~

Later that evening the Healer-in-Charge determined he was well enough to leave under Miss Granger's care. They would consider a full recovery as part of her apprenticeship, and when she should return she could finish. He was not strong enough to apparate, so they would have to travel from St. Mungo's to Grimmauld Place in muggle disguise on foot.

Miss Granger, he knew, would have no problem with that. She had worn muggle clothes throughout her years at Hogwarts whenever her uniform was not required. Severus on the other hand, had spent the last twenty years of his life draped in formal black wizard clothing when out of his professor's robes. He had known nothing else, and so having to pull on muggle trousers and a shirt felt odd to him. Hermione helped him button the collar, making sure not to disturb the bandages.

"Once we're at Grimmauld Place you'll be able to dress in whatever you feel most comfortable in. But you'll still be on bed rest." He grunted a response, not particularly keen on being back in pajamas for an extended period of time. "It will only be for two weeks at most. And then you can be off, live your life the way you want."

"And what about you?"

"What about me?" She had suddenly taken a defensive tone. He had not meant to sound insulting. He was genuinely curious about her plans when all of this was over.

"I apologize. I meant to ask if you intend on becoming a Healer, or do you plan to pursue other avenues?"

"I'm not sure yet. I suppose I'll make that decision when the time comes."

They left St. Mungo's through the hidden entrance of the condemned muggle department store Purge and Dowse, Ltd., and headed back up the street. "Normally I just apparate right to the doorstep, but I've been walking the distance the past few days to learn the shortest route. You shouldn't be moving around too much right now."

He had no idea how they appeared together on the street. Not that he cared what people thought, but it didn't seem to matter. No one bothered to give them a second glance as they walked by. They made it to Grimmauld Place and Severus watched from the street as the magical house appeared between numbers eleven and thirteen. Miss Granger led the way inside and once the door was shut she bolted the several locks and cast a ward on the door.

"Harry had me enchant the door to recognize only those we know we can trust. They can come and go as they please. Anyone else will be denied entrance."

"If the war is over why the protection?"

"Just because the war is over doesn't mean there still isn't danger out there. Come on, let's get you upstairs. I have a room ready for you."

He followed her, only because the journey from St. Mungo's had drained him more than he had anticipated, and he was eager to lie down and rest. Miss Granger gave him something comfortable to change into, and once he was settled she checked the bandages on his neck. Everything must have been fine because she left him then to go down into the kitchen.

"I'm going to start some potions for you. Do you want anything to drink or eat?"

"I want to rest right now." He was being honest. His head felt light, and the room was spinning slightly. His body was not used to the exertion it had just endured walking the distance from the hospital. He heard the door close, and was left in the peace of the silent room.

He awoke a little while later to the sound of voices downstairs. One was Miss Granger's, and she sounded irritated. The other was a deeper male voice, and at first he thought it was Potter. But upon raising his head he realized it was the last of the trio.

Ronald Weasley had come around at last.

Although he still felt weak, Severus rose from the bed. He knew right now that sleep would elude him with the shouting match going on downstairs. He stood up gingerly, testing how his body responded to being upright again so soon, and was pleased that he didn't feel as dizzy now. He walked over to the door and cracked it open.

"So you're just going to walk away." Weasley shouted as Severus made his way over to the banister and looked down into the hallway below.

Miss Granger rounded on him. "I'm certainly not going to stand there and allow you to judge me. You made your choice the night we brought him to St. Mungo's. You just left."

"Harry asked us to get him there, nothing more."

"Where's your compassion, Ron?"

"He doesn't deserve compassion. My brother is dead because of Death Eaters like him." Weasley's eyes flicked upward and then back to Miss Granger's. For a moment Severus thought he had been seen, but he realized then that the upper landing on which he stood overlooking the argument below was cast in shadow. Weasley couldn't see him if he tried. Miss Granger held the young man's gaze.

"He deserves more than your blind hatred, Ronald. What happened that night was not of his making. It was always going to happen whether he was on our side or not."

"So that makes it all right? That makes it ok for you to play nursemaid? Do you have feelings for him? Is that it? Is that why you're doing this?"

"Don't be absurd." Miss Granger spat, and pushed past Weasley. He heard her take the stairs down into the kitchen, and Weasley followed her a moment later, continuing to argue, but their voices were muffled now. Severus could only make out every other word.

He felt tension throughout his body as he listened. He was reminded of the fights that had erupted between his own mother and his muggle father when he was a child. They had begun as shouting matches and usually ended in violence. Until he was 11 he had no other way to defend himself except his fists. He had his magic, but it was not yet honed enough to fight back. Once he had a wand in his hand the odds had changed. He still lost his mother to his father's drunken brutality in the end, but he didn't feel as weak against him.

His right hand twitched and Severus realized for the first time in two weeks that he no longer had a wand. It made him very uneasy, but he knew Miss Granger would not allow Mr. Weasley to come storming upstairs intent on injury to his person. Why he knew this, he didn't know. But he had come to trust the witch a little in the weeks that she had already been caring for him.

Severus heard the door leading down to the kitchen make contact with the wall in the hallway below and he jumped a little, the tension returning to his muscles.

"You always did have the biggest bleeding heart." Weasley spat, and he made his way down the hall to the front door and left, slamming it on his way out.

Severus felt the urge to go downstairs and check on Miss Granger, but he had not heard any spell casting, or sounds of defense from her. She was most likely working at the kitchen table on the potions she had mentioned before. If this were the case, he thought to himself, then she was very much like him in the respect that she buried herself in work in order to hide.

Satisfied with the quiet throughout the house, Severus returned to his bed. The strength he had initially felt upon rising earlier was leaving him quickly and he needed to lie back down. He was grateful in that moment for the care that Miss Granger and Mr. Potter offered him. He knew it would have been impossible to have left St. Mungo's on his own and been able to recover properly. He would have had to spend too much time on his feet, and that would have drained him, extending his recovery time longer than the two weeks Miss Granger had told him it would take.

He settled into his bed, intent on sleep. And he was gratified that it took him quickly.


	3. Hero

Disclaimer: See Chapter 1

 _I've gotta fight for what's right  
Today I'm speaking my mind  
And if it kills me tonight  
I will be ready to die_

\- Skillet

* * *

Chapter 3

After leaving Snape to rest upstairs Hermione went down to the kitchen to begin on the potions he would be taking in the coming weeks as his body continued to recover. She had brought over cauldrons and ingredients that the hospital provided for her and set them up. She laid out the sheets of parchment on the long table in front of her and began organizing ingredients for the potion that would have to brew the longest.

Within an hour she had the potion for the venom extrusion under way and left it to bubble gently for the next sixty minutes. It was simple enough to make. She started with the known antidote to Nagini's venom, to keep the punctures from reopening and added shavings from the Basilisk fang and the phoenix tears. Hopefully, after a few more days, enough venom would be pulled from Snape's body and he could simply take the antidote until his neck healed.

She got started on the blood-replenishing potion next, which she was supposed to administer every hour that he was awake. She would also be giving it to him before she applied the potion for venom removal as well. She had a small supply from St. Mungo's to get her through the next few days while this new potion matured. The initial brew had been administered immediately because they did not have the time to wait. But it was discovered upon making the second batch, that allowing the potion to mature for twenty-four to forty-eight hours concentrated the fang shavings. this is turn allowed for a greater volume of venom to be pulled from Severus's blood.

While she had been at the hospital she had asked to see the file they had kept on Ron's father when he had been brought in after being attacked, but there was nothing mentioned on how the Healers had treated him for the removal of the venom. They had only given him several rounds of antidotes until the wounds began to close.

His attack had been less severe, Hermione had determined. It was meant to be incapacitating. Voldemort had ordered Nagini to _kill_ Snape, and she had attacked with vigor. She remembered cowering just on the other side of the glass watching as the snake attacked over and over, sinking her fangs into his flesh for a solid minute.

At the hospital she had helped to clean his wounds, and cringed at first when she saw the gaping punctures. Nagini must have repeatedly struck the same places, tearing the skin wider with each bite in order to flood his body with toxin.

A significant amount had already been removed and his wounds were smaller now, but still not completely healed. He would continue to lose blood through them and so she would have to keep them cleaned and bound to prevent unnecessary loss.

With the blood-replenishing potion under way as well she started on a basic pain potion next and then left all three cauldrons to their brewing. She would have also started making a wound-cleaning potion, but that barely took any time. She would wait until the first three potions were complete.

She made her way upstairs and cracked the door on the guest room Snape was staying in. She peeked her head in to check on him, satisfied that he was still resting, then shut the door quietly and returned downstairs to the kitchen.

She was just getting started on organizing all of the ingredients and placing them into labeled glass jars when she heard the front door open. She didn't bother to look up, assuming it was Harry come by to check on her. She nearly dropped the jar of dandelion roots in her hand when she looked up and saw Ron standing in the doorway.

"So you actually brought him here." He said in an accusatory tone, looking around at the three cauldrons simmering on the table.

"I told you I would be. He still needs constant attention. I've already explained all of this to you, Ron. I'm not having this discussion again." She placed the jar of dandelion roots on the shelf beside the other ingredients already stored alphabetically.

"Harry explained, you barely said a word."

"What do you want me to tell you, Ron? I offered to take over his care. He was considered strong enough to leave, and the Healers are stretched thin right now. So Harry offered for me to bring him here, and by extension this is being considered a continuation of my apprenticeship. Not that that detail matters right now."

Ron's brow creased a little. "But why?" he questioned, beginning to sound frustrated.

"Because he sacrificed so much. He risked his life for years acting as a spy for Dumbledore and never asked for anything in return."

"Don't make him out to be some hero, Hermione. He's a bloody murderer!"

Hermione let out a long breath. "I told you before, Ron, I'm not having this argument all over again with you." She pushed past him up the stairs and into the hall, but where she was going she didn't know. She just couldn't take the confines of the kitchen any longer.

"So you're just going to walk away." Ron countered at her retreating back as he followed her.

She rounded on him. "I'm certainly not going to stand there and allow you to judge me. You made your choice the night we brought him to St. Mungo's. You just left."

"Harry asked us to get him there, nothing more."

"Where's your compassion, Ron?"

"He doesn't deserve compassion. My brother is dead because of Death Eaters like him." Ron's eyes flicked upward and then back to Hermione's. She held his gaze, she wasn't going to back down. He was allowing his grief and prejudice to cloud his mind.

"He deserves more than your blind hatred, Ronald. What happened that night was not of his making. It was always going to happen whether he was on our side or not."

"So that makes it ok for you to play nursemaid? Do you have feelings for him? Is that why you're doing this?"

"Don't be absurd." She spat at him, passing him once more to clamber back down to the kitchen. She checked the clock over the mantle as she walked in. It was time to take the first two potions from their burners.

She heard Ron descend and stop in the doorway behind her. With a flick of her wand she killed the flames beneath two of the cauldrons and set them to cool.

"That was not an answer, Hermione."

"I don't believe those questions merit any answer from me." She retorted, turning to face him over her shoulder. "They are completely ludicrous and out of line." She turned back to the pain potion and gave it a gentle stir with a glass rod before setting that aside. "I think you should go, Ron." She said it more so to the cauldron than to him.

"So that's it then, you're just going to kick me out? I can't come and see my girlfriend anymore? Hermione, we've barely spent any time together." His voice softened, taking on an almost apologetic tone. She heard him move away from the doorway and then his hand was on her wrist, turning her to face him. "I miss you."

She didn't know what to say. She hadn't been _that_ consumed with St. Mungo's in the last two weeks to not think about missing Ron. She _had_ missed him, and wanted things to work out between them. She was curious to know how it could be. But all he had done since she had started her apprenticeship was give her grief over it. She had heard it all.

She didn't need to be embarking on something like this right now.

There was time for that later.

 _He_ needed her.

But his family needed him more. Both she and Harry had attended the small service the Weasley family had for Fred, and while he came around often to see Ginny, she was not as close to the family as Harry and felt it inappropriate to linger.

"I have work to do." She said softly. "Maybe another day." She offered, trying to leave the proverbial door open.

Ron dropped her wrist, a look of disappointment crossing his face. "Right, of course."

She turned back to the pain potion and killed the flames under it, setting it aside as well. She then began gathering ingredients to start on the wound-cleaning potion. "You should go. I know you don't really want to be here right now."

Ron sighed heavily behind her. "Look, it's not that I mind you staying here, and not with the rest of us right now. I don't mind travelling here to see you. I mind _him_ being here. And that you're alone with him. He could do anything to you, Hermione. I just don't want you to get hurt."

That was the most pitiful of his excuses yet. She stopped measuring the essence of Murtlap into a small cauldron and replaced the stopper. She turned to face Ron with her arms crossed over her chest.

"What could he possibly do?" She shrugged at him, "He barely has the strength to get out of bed right now. We had to walk here from St. Mungo's because he can't apparate. And even that was taxing on him. I had to keep casting healing spells over him the entire time."

Ron said nothing. She knew she had made a point. More so, and she would not say this to Ron, but she trusted Snape not to hurt her. Was it misplaced? Maybe. But only time would tell. For now, she would give him the benefit of the doubt. He had been through enough. It was time to forgive and forget.

She said this last bit to Ron, who only frowned at her, and then turned to go. "You always did have the biggest bleeding heart."

~S~

Harry sat next to Ron at the bar in the Leaky Cauldron watching his friend stare into the contents of his glass, swirl it, take a small sip, and resume swirling.

"Are you going to say anything or are we going to sit here in silence all evening?" He asked, hoping to break the ice without sounding too harsh.

Ron tossed back the remainder of his firewhiskey and set the glass down, wincing at the burn in his throat as the liquid made its way down.

"Do you believe her?" He asked, turning to his best friend. "Do you believe she's really doing this as part of her apprenticeship? Or do you think there's some other reason?"

Harry shrugged. "It's Hermione, she has multiple reasons for everything that she does. She never goes into something without thinking it through. And technically I suggested it first."

That wasn't the answer he had been hoping for. Ron signaled the barkeep for another drink.

"It's not forever, Ron. This is temporary. In a few weeks Snape will be fully recovered and be able to go about his life. He'll leave and Hermione will return to St. Mungo's or start something else. Who knows. I think you need to give her a break."

"You should have heard the way she defended him." Ron sipped at his fresh drink, his voice slightly muffled by the glass. "It made me sick to hear it."

Harry shook his head. "You feel bias because of Fred. Because he was killed by a Death Eater. Snape wouldn't kill anyone if he could help it."

"He murdered Dumbledore." Ron spat darkly.

"I explained everything I saw in the Penseive. Dumbledore asked him to do it. He didn't want to. He had to appear to be loyal to Voldemort."

"He still did it."

Harry set his butterbeer down a little harder than he meant to, making the bottle clink loudly against the wooden bar top. He turned to his friend, "Ron, you need to let all of this hatred go. It's not going to help you get through your grief."

"You sound like Hermione." Ron muttered into his glass, draining the remaining amber liquid.

"Maybe she has a point."

"Bloody hell, you're both bleeding hearts."

"Look, I'll admit it's…awkward for Hermione to be the one taking care of someone who was our professor, and our enemy."

"But," Ron prompted.

"But, in the end…"

"Don't." Ron stopped him, putting a hand up. "Don't say he was on our side all along. I've already heard that so many times from Hermione. Hearing it from you too isn't going to change my mind."

"No, it won't. Only you can change your mind. And I think you should. At least for Hermione's sake right now if not your own."

~S~

The first week went by and Ron did not return. Hermione didn't know if she was grateful because she was so busy, or if she was relieved because he was leaving her in peace. She kept herself busy with mixing a constant supply of the necessary potions for Snape to take and sat at his bedside during the hours he had to remain still while the venom-removal potion worked on him. While in St. Mungo's the Healers had applied the potion every few days as an overnight treatment so only one Healer had to be away from regular duties for the extended time. Now that he was released, Hermione was able to apply the potion for a few hours every day.

At first he lay there in complete silence, staring at the ceiling, pretending she wasn't just feet from him. Hermione would read, her eyes flicking up every couple of minutes to check the status of the potion and venom removal and return to her book.

But after the sixth day, Snape startled her out of a trance by asking her a question. She had been buried in a book on advanced magical healing when he spoke.

"What are your plans after this is over?"

"I thought I would make dinner." She responded almost automatically, after getting over the initial shock, turning a page as she glanced at him.

Snape made a quiet sound in his throat that sounded like a laugh and she saw the corner of his mouth lift. "I meant your care-taking. After I've recovered enough either to your liking or theirs."

"Oh," Hermione felt her eyes widen in realization and she shut her book. "I hadn't really thought about it. Go back to St. Mungo's I suppose. I'm starting to enjoy healing more than I thought."

"Your talents as a witch would be much better suited elsewhere." Snape mused quietly.

Hermione considered this for a moment before responding. "And what do you presume that to be?" She asked, genuinely interested in his response.

"We have already discussed your unparalleled instincts. Your logical mind would never be stimulated enough as a Healer. It would be nothing but a dead end for you. You would never feel challenged mentally. You require these things in order to continue to grow as the brightest witch of your age."

 _Was that a compliment?_ Hermione was slightly taken aback. _From Severus Snape?_

"While that may be true, it still does not answer my original question."

The corner of Snape's mouth twitched upward again. He was amused by this exchange between the two of them.

"Only you can know what your path is, Miss Granger. No one can plan it for you."

~S~

 _His body was screaming with pain. He was thrown back with a crash, his head pounding as it made contact with the glass window behind him. He watched as the serpent drew near, its jaws opening wide, ready to attack. A voice hissed in the darkness, both near and far away._

" _Kill…"_

Severus's eyes shot open, his hand coming up to his throat. It was bandaged securely. He was lying in a bed, not the floor of the boathouse. And the dampness he felt on his face was not blood from a head wound. They were tears. He sat up a little in his bed and wiped his face, his mind still shaking off the last vestiges of the nightmare.

Normally memories could not arise to torment him. He used Occlumency before going to sleep at night. But it had been weeks since he last applied the skill. Taxed with exhaustion, his ability to close his mind was weakened, and this was the result. He laid back down, his hand once more coming up to his throat. He could feel his pulse even through the bandages.

He was alive.

He just had to keep telling himself that.

He was given a second chance, thanks to Miss Granger. Her careful ministrations over the past two weeks were slowly restoring his strength. She prepared the potions fresh every other day, her skill at brewing impressing him. He did not remember her being this accomplished in her technique while at school. But perhaps he had never paid enough attention. She had been by far his best student in the fifteen years he had spent as Potions Master.

Her time as his pupil was a prime example. She had taken in everything he ever taught her in the five years she had been under his tutelage and applied it now with a skill he had never expected of a young girl who lived to show off as an insufferable know-it-all. He remembered telling her that he did not always give credit where it was due.

Once more he was in need of reassessing his opinion of the young witch.

~S~

Severus woke again, not knowing how long he had slept this time. Bright sunlight was filtering in to the room through the closed curtains. He guessed it had to be noon, or close to it. The door opened quietly and he turned his head toward the sound. Miss Granger walked in carrying a small tray with two cups of potion as well as some food.

"Good morning," her tone was not overly cheerful, but it wasn't cold either. Cautious perhaps?

"Is it still morning?"

"For the next eight minutes it is." She set the tray down on the end table and picked up both cups of potion. She waited until he sat up and made himself comfortable before handing him first one cup and then the other. Blood-replenishing and pain potions.

Once he drank them she sat down on the side of the bed and inspected the bandages around his throat, probing gently, as she always did, with the tips of her fingers. He tipped his chin up, trying to be cooperative. Her familiar scent was in the air. Lemon, mint and lavender.

"I'll have to change these after you eat. I would rather you get some food in you and give the potions a chance to work before I remove these."

He didn't respond.

She offered him a small smile and got up, placed the tray on the bed for him and left without another word. Severus took his time with the toast she had brought him and sipped the pumpkin juice. It was a light option, but he was grateful for it. His stomach turned as his mind wandered back to the memories it had conjured the night before.

He felt his hand slide to his throat once more and the back of his head throbbed a little. He couldn't finish the small meal Miss Granger had brought him and pushed the tray to the side, awaiting her return.

She came back with a large bowl in her arms full of clean bandages, a tea towel, wound-cleaning potion, and a jar of paste. It was not the most relaxing experience he had had in his life, but at least she didn't try and fill the silence with unnecessary talk as she worked. She remained focus on the job at hand. Once the soiled bandages were removed, she placed them in the bowl and began cleaning the wounds with the purple solution. It smoked and stung as she applied it. He was sure the pain would have been more significant if she had not given him the potion earlier in order to dull it now.

After cleaning the wounds, she applied a thin layer of the paste to each puncture mark. He tried to count as she moved from one to the next. There were eight altogether. That meant Nagini had bitten him in four different places, but as to the number of times she actually sank her fangs into him…

Severus shuttered at the memory and Miss Granger immediately pulled her hands back looking worried. "It's not you." He reassured her. He glanced to where she held her hands in front of her, seeing the traces of blood on them from treating his injuries.

"Are you sure I didn't hurt you?" She asked, reaching back up.

"You did not. Please continue."

She resumed her care and pulled her hands back once more a minute or so later. "Done," He watched her wipe her hands on the towel she had brought and toss it into the bowl with the used bandages.

"Thank you, Miss Granger." He said quietly as she got up from the bed.

A smile pulled at her lips as she gathered her supplies into the bowl. "I'm not your student anymore. You can call me by my first name. I wouldn't consider it inappropriate."

He contemplated this for a moment. True, he had always used formality as a shield, avoiding names when he could to keep people at a distance. But he remembered what she had said to him in the hospital. How she had been miserable during the early years of her life until she finally started to let people in and accept their friendship.

Perhaps a friend was not such a bad idea. It would make their time together more bearable at the very least.

"Then you may also use mine." He conceded, and was rewarded with a small smile that reached her eyes, making them shine.

~S~

Hermione returned to the kitchen after cleaning Snape's wounds and changing the bandages on his throat. She tossed the used solution and old bandages into the small fire she had lit in the hearth and watched them burn. The flames crackled merrily for a moment, growing with the addition of fuel in the form of the bandages, and then dwindled to their previous size.

She gathered some potatoes and beets, a tub of cold water, and her wand. She turned a chair toward the fire and began peeling the vegetables with long swipes of her wand, casting the peels into the flames as she went and dropped each clean tuber into the cold water at her feet. She enjoyed mundane tasks such as these from time to time. It gave her mind space to think. To go over things that had happened, replay them and come up with different outcomes.

She wished her last conversation with Ron had ended better. But he was so full of bitterness right now. There was venom in his system of a different kind than what she was currently treating with Snape. It seemed the more she removed from him, the more toxic Ron became. She was keeping her distance from her former professor as much as she could. Rather, as much as could be allowed when they lived in close quarters and she had to frequently invade his personal space.

But she could tell he was beginning to come around. It had only been a couple weeks so far but she saw an improvement in more than just his health. He smiled, albeit small smiles, more easily and laughed quietly. In all the years she had known him she had never once seen such emotion from him, and at first it caught her off guard, but she was growing to enjoy this version of Severus Snape. Getting a new lease on life improved one's personality she supposed.

Hermione dropped the last peeled vegetable into the cold water with a sigh. She got up from the chair and levitated the now loaded tub over to the sink. She washed the purple dye from the beets off her fingers and then levitated out the potatoes and set them on the table.

A little less than an hour later she had the potatoes cut up and boiling in a large pot that she suspended over the flames in the fireplace to go with dinner throughout the week. She then set to work juicing the beets with a simple spell and stored the product in an air-tight glass jar that she placed a cooling spell over to keep the juice preserved for later use in her potion brewing.

Hermione measured another dram of blood-replenishing potion and thought about what to make for lunch. She had noticed Snape did not finish the toast the she had brought him for breakfast, and wondered if his lack of appetite had anything to do with his nightmare the previous evening.

She had heard him moaning in his sleep from her room down the hall and had gotten up to check on him. But when she opened the door he was quiet again, fast asleep. She woke again about an hour later to the sound of him tossing in bed, but it was over in a minute. Clearly he had something on his mind that was haunting him. She wished there was something she could do so he could rest, but the only thing she could think of, besides offering him cups of dreamless sleep, was his skill in Occlumency. But she doubted he had the strength for that, and from his time in the hospital she knew he wouldn't take the potion if she offered it to him. He avoided it, and she wondered why.

Snape was sitting up in bed when she brought him the potion, the blanket covering him to his lap. He opened his eyes slowly as she walked in. She felt bad for disturbing him, he had dark circles under his eyes from lack of sleep the night before.

"Is it that time again?" He asked upon seeing her.

"Indeed," She handed him the potion and he drank it down, grimacing a little.

"Foul concoction." He complained quietly, handing her the cup back

"Is there anything I can do to improve the taste?" She asked, eager to know mostly so she could store away the knowledge. But she also wanted to do everything that she could for him. Even if it was something as small as making a potion easier to swallow.

"Several, but there is no need to trouble yourself."

Hermione bit the inside the of her cheek to keep herself from making a snarky retort. Did he not understand that she wanted to help him? She sighed and changed tactics. "Are you hungry?"

Severus turned to her, his expression indifferent. "Not particularly. But I would not say no if you brought something."

"Out of courtesy I suppose."

He nodded. "Did you have something in mind?"

"I was thinking soup." She sat down on the side of the bed near his feet. It felt odd being casual with her former professor in this way, but he didn't seem to mind it. "You weren't too keen on the toast I brought earlier."

"I was feeling a little off when I awoke. But it has passed now. Soup would be fine, Miss Granger."

She smiled at his continuing formality despite her invitation to use her first name. _Stubborn to the last_ , Hermione thought to herself.

"I'll be back then." She got up and walked out, looking over her shoulder at Snape as she shut the door. His eyes were already closed again.


	4. Awake and Alive

Disclaimer: See Chapter 1

 **Note: It may seem in this chapter that Hermione is inflicting harm on herself, but she is NOT. If you think you will be sensitive, please skip this chapter.**

 _It's getting harder to stay awake  
And my strength is fading fast  
You breathe into me at last_

\- Skillet

* * *

Chapter 4

 _He was lying on the floor of the boathouse. The serpent snapped forward at him sinking its fangs into his neck, tearing through fabric and flesh. The force of each attack knocked him backward, cracking his skull on the window behind him. He was powerless, unable to defend himself. A sensation like ice was slithering down his body. It started in his neck and moved into his chest, feeling as though his own heart were freezing. It trickled into his stomach and abdomen, paralyzing him before it moved into his legs. All he could feel now was the searing pain where Nagini latched on to his throat. It retreated when she pulled back, and then sparked again as she bit him elsewhere. His body was limp with weakness, he couldn't move, only wait for it to stop._

 _Somewhere above him he could hear laughter. High, cold laughter as the same voice from before hissed his name. Calling to him, taunting him._

" _This is how it ends, Severus."_

 _Finally, the serpent stopped attacking him. His vision was blurred with pain and tears. His head throbbed from constant impact. Yet he could still hear his name being called from far away._

" _Severus,"_

 _But this was voice different. It wasn't cold or cruel. His eyes began to close._

" _Severus,"_

 _The voice was closer now, reaching out to him. He could feel it beginning to pull him back from the blackness._

" _Severus,"_

 _A hand touched his shoulder, shook him gently, trying to make him regain consciousness. He tried to follow the voice, let it guide him._

" _Severus, wake up. It's just a dream."_

His eyes shot open and he bolted upright in bed, panting heavily. He reached for his wand instinctively, but then remembered it was lost to him. His eyes focused in the dark room around him, coming to rest on the point of light being cast at the end of his bed.

He felt two hands slip from his shoulders and looked up. Miss Granger was pulling her hands back from him, scooting away a little. He finally became aware of their proximity and inched backward as well. She reached for her wand and lay it between them so they could see each other.

"What…what are you doing in here?" He asked, blinking a few times as his eyes adjusted.

"You were caught in a nightmare. You've been having them for the past two weeks or so. Normally you just toss and turn for a few minutes and go back to sleep. But tonight…" She started to reach for him, but thought better of it and pulled her hand back. "Tonight you were shouting."

He was still trying to get his breathing under control. He focused on that for a minute until he could take deep, even breaths and his mind cleared. "Did I say anything?"

"You were pleading for someone to stop. You sounded like you were in pain."

He _had_ been in pain. But it hadn't been real. He didn't realize his hand was touching his throat until he felt Miss Granger pry it away. "May I?" she asked in a calm voice.

He nodded, hoping she could see the movement of his head in the darkness. He watched her pick up her wand and then wave it in a small arc. The room lit around them, but it was muted. He didn't have to blink rapidly to adjust his eye sight this time. Miss Granger moved a little closer to him and examined his neck with the same gentle touch he had come to know in the past few weeks.

"It doesn't seem as though you disturbed the wounds. There is a little leakage from them, but it's not too bad. I can fix them now, or in the morning."

"Morning," He muttered. He didn't want the bandages removed now.

She nodded and pulled her hands back. "Will you be all right to rest again? I can bring you some dreamless sleep potion if it would help."

He shook his head. He avoided taking that potion. It was useless. All it did was lull the drinker into a slumber so deep that dreams were not possible. It did nothing to actually suppress one's mind from conjuring images or memories. He needed Occlumency for that. He would have to spend time honing the skill once he had the strength to do so.

"No, thank you." He answered her question as politely as he could.

"I'll let you rest then." She started to get up, but he reached for her hand, grasping it firmly.

She looked down to where he had grabbed her, her eyes wide in shock. He saw her grip on her wand tighten for a moment. But then she looked him in the eye and her grip slackened. She sat back down on the bed slowly, her eyes never leaving his and, he noticed, not letting go of her wand.

"Please don't go." His voice sounded pleading to him and he hoped it didn't sound that way to her. But he truly did not want to be alone right now.

He watched Miss Granger's eyes widen again, this time in surprise. She probably could not believe he was asking this of her. He couldn't believe it himself. Never had he allowed himself to be so vulnerable in front of someone. Not since Lily. But he knew now that he could trust her. He only hoped that she trusted him in return. At least enough to understand that he was sincere. He wanted her to stay.

Miss Granger nodded. She waved her wand and the room darkened once more. He heard her settle in the chair beside his bed and he laid back down. "I'll stay as long as you need me to." She told him, her voice no more than a whisper. "Try to rest." She prompted. "I'll be right here."

Severus felt his eyes begin to close. And soon he was pulled back under into the blackness of sleep.

When he woke he was not alarmed to find that he was alone. He had requested much from Hermione the previous night. He could not expect her to stay once morning broke. He was sure there were tasks she had to see to.

It dawned on him how he had suddenly used her first name in his thoughts to identify her. Something had changed last night. He had allowed himself to be truly open in front of her, put his trust in her with his emotions. He tested it out again, saying her name in his thoughts. He liked how easy it was for him to think it, and how it took less effort than using his previous formality in addressing her. Even if it was just in his mind for now.

~S~

"You're not healing as well anymore." Hermione said quietly as she changed his bandages later that morning. "The wounds have not gotten any smaller in the last two weeks. Your nightmares are keeping you from obtaining enough sleep in order to heal properly. Are you sure you won't take some dreamless sleep tonight?"

"No." Severus stated firmly. He would manage without it.

"You need to do something, or take something. If this continues it's only go to take longer for you to heal, and thus you'll be here longer. I know that's not what you want."

What he wanted was for her to stop making conjectures about him. He reached up and took Hermione's wrists in his hands and pulled her hands from his neck. "That's enough."

"I'm not done."

"Finish quickly," He asked, hoping he didn't sound too rude. She had done so much for him and he didn't want to appear ungrateful, but at the same time he just wanted to be left alone.

Hermione respected his request and was done a minute later. She gathered the items she had brought into the same bowl she always used and left without another word, closing the door quietly behind her.

When she had gone he laid back down and tried to shut his eyes once more. He felt completely drained and he knew it was from the nightmares, as Hermione had said. He knew she had a point about it taking him longer to heal if something was not done about suppressing his dreams. But other than taking potions there was only one option left open to him.

He laid there in silence and attempted to close his mind. But the effort it took was considerable and he was left feeling even weaker than he had been the previous night. There was nothing for it right now. Occlumency was not going to be an option until he regained more of his strength. But if he continued to have sleepless nights as he had been, it was likely he would not be strong enough to employ the skill until he was completely healed, and he would not be able to heal unless his body could rest properly.

~S~

He awoke once more in the middle of the night drenched in a cold sweat and panting. His nightmare had come back yet again. Severus opened his eyes to find Hermione sitting in the armchair across from the bed watching him. At first he was angry that she had come in uninvited in the middle of the night, and had witnessed his weakness yet again. But then he realized he had pulled himself from his nightmare this time, and it hadn't been as extensive. Something inside his mind had told him he was safe and that it was all right to open his eyes.

"Do you want me to stay again?" Hermione asked quietly.

Severus watched her as she tried to get comfortable in the chair. He nodded but didn't say anything. Hermione extinguished the lamp on the bedside table with her wand and curled up in the chair laying her head on her arms. "I'm right here."

He nodded again and shut his eyes.

Severus woke in the morning surprised at how rested he felt. Like something had been purged from his subconscious, allowing his body to recover more significantly in the past night than it had in the last several weeks. He wondered for a moment if last night had been the first night Hermione had come back and slept in the chair beside his bed. He had still been having nightmares, but last night had been the first time it had woken him in almost two weeks. If she had indeed been sleeping beside him in that time then it meant his mind found her presence soothing enough to allow him proper slumber, even if the nightmares still occurred. He knew subconsciously she was there and would wake him if necessary. But it hadn't been. He had slept through the night recently on several occasions it seemed.

Feeling stronger than he had in weeks, he supposed today was as good a day to try and get up and move around. If Hermione had something to say to him about it, he was certain he could come up with a retort. He had been getting up on a regular basis to use the small adjoining bathroom for its intended purposes when necessary, and pace his room here and there, but he wanted to try and stay on his feet today for as long as possible. How did she expect him to get back any modicum of real strength if he could not use his muscles?

Severus washed off, wishing fervently for a real shower. Normally he used a simple spell for regular facial grooming, but with the lack of a wand he was reduced to doing it the muggle way. It had been difficult at first and he had cut his skin on more than one occasion. But he now had the hang of it and rinsed the lather off at the end, satisfied with the outcome.

He walked back out to the wardrobe, hoping for there to be something inside other than muggle clothing. He would never get used to it, no matter how hard he tried. It just wasn't him. So he was pleasantly surprised upon opening the door to discover several changes of long-sleeved white button shirts and black trousers hanging, neatly pressed and ready for wear. All the way to the left was a black frock coat and a long black cravat draped around the neck of the hanger.

She remembered his taste in clothing.

It was almost with a sense of reverence that he got dressed in the familiar pieces. He buttoned up his coat and started to tie the cravat, but then remembered that Hermione would probably want to change the bandages on his neck at some point this morning. He folded the strip of fabric and placed it into a pocket for now. He then pulled on the dragon hide boots that had been at the bottom of the wardrobe beside several pairs of neatly folded black socks.

He went downstairs, intent on thanking Hermione for her thoughtfulness, but stopped as he reached the bottom landing. He could hear the familiar sound of someone wincing in pain followed by the soft sniffles indicative of crying. When Severus reached the kitchen door he wasn't sure at first what he was seeing. Hermione was sitting at the table. Around her were different potions ingredients in varying states of being prepared for use and storage. But Hermione was not chopping, or storing. She had her left arm extended out on the table turned up so the inside of her forearm was visible. It lay across a piece of cloth she had put down to protect the table surface. Beside her were used bandages covered in blood.

She was waving her wand over a gash in her arm, but instead of healing the wound she appeared to be making it worse. Blood oozed from the opening dripping down onto the cloth beneath. Silent tears ran down her face and she winced each time she passed her wand over her arm.

"Miss Granger?" Severus asked, keeping his voice soft as he alerted her to his presence.

She looked up, shock and embarrassment crossing her face. Her expression changed to one of slight panic and she flipped her arm over quickly, pulling a tray toward her and began shredding the roots on it with a peeler.

Severus watched her as he walked into the kitchen. She was concentrating harder than necessary on the roots, shredding them beyond usefulness. Even though she was completely avoiding his eyes he could still see tears running down her face, dripping on to the tray. Her hands shook as she worked the peeler across the roots over and over in the same place until there was almost nothing left.

He stopped beside her and leaned down placing his hands over hers. The shock of his touch caused her to gasp out loud and drop the peeler to the tray. Her squeezed her left hand gently prompting her to loosen her grip on the destroyed roots.

When she let go he continued to hold on to her left hand and pulled up a chair to sit beside her. "May I?"

"It's nothing," Hermione whispered as she wiped under her eyes with her right hand. She tried to pull her left one free but he held on.

"Let me be the judge of that."

"Really, it's nothing. I was just clumsy."

"That," Severus stated looking around at the implements she was using to prepare ingredients, "is unlikely." The sharpest tool currently on the table was the peeler, and he found it very hard to believe that she had sliced open the inside of her arm with it.

"Hermione, please let me see."

She turned to him, her eyes widening in surprise at his use of her first name. It was the first time he had said it aloud. He used the moment of distraction to turn her arm over. She still tried to pull back and prevent him from seeing the injury but he knew the fight was long gone out of her. The wound must have been causing her enough pain at the moment that she seceded without further objection.

Upon closer inspection it looked as though she had already tried several attempts at healing the wound, but for some reason it was not closing. "This was not caused by clumsiness." Severus stated, looking sideways at her. "This was intentional."

Hermione did not return his gaze. Her eyes were downcast, staring and out of focus. Two tears ran down her cheeks and fell to the table in tiny droplets. She was not going to be forthcoming with details. He couldn't force her to talk about it if she didn't want to. All he could do right now was clean the wound and dress it for her.

Severus set her arm down on the table and got up. She didn't move nor did she shift her gaze. In fact, she didn't even seem to notice he had let go of her. He gathered the ingredients for the wound-cleaning potion and mixed them together watching her out of the corner of his eye. She remained as still as a statue and didn't move until he sat back down beside her. Hermione turned her face to watch as he took her arm again. He held her left hand in his to keep it extended between them. Her eyes looked up to his for a moment, the expression on her face the saddest Severus had ever seen.

"This is going to sting." He forewarned her, dipping a cloth into the purple solution. Hermione only nodded, saying nothing.

The moment he touched the cloth to her wound her left hand gripped his tightly and her right formed a fist. Her eyes screwed shut in pain from the burn of the potion but she made no sound in protest. He held her arm steady and continued to clean the cut. Once most of the blood had been wiped away Severus could tell the injury was not as bad as he had initially thought. There had just been a lot of blood from her failed attempts at healing it.

He placed the now used cloth back into the bowl of solution and looked more closely at her arm. It wasn't a cut at all. It was a string of eight letters carved into her flesh spelling out the word 'mudblood'.

"Who did this to you?" He asked, his voice more demanding than he intended it to be, but he wanted an answer. Hermione shook her head saying nothing. She tried again to pull her arm away but he held her fast. He took a quiet breath to calm himself and asked again. "Tell me, Hermione. Who did this to you?" His voice was much softer this time and it helped to warrant a response.

"Bellatrix Lestrange." She finally answered, her voice so small and quiet he wasn't sure at first if she had actually spoken. Let alone say the name he though he heard.

"That wretched bitch. If she wasn't already dead…" Severus began to growl.

Hermione looked up at him, her mouth hanging open in shock. Clearly she had never heard him swear before. Or perhaps it was his sudden threat, even it if was directed at someone deceased. He had never had any patience for the woman, and he fervently believed that she deserved what she got.

"I assume this occurred the night you, Mr. Potter, and Mr. Weasley escaped from Malfoy Manor?"

Her expression turned puzzled. "How did you know?"

"She reported to me what transpired after the house-elf removed you all from the premises."

Hermione nodded and dropped her gaze. Her eyes fell on her wand and she reached for it trying to pull her left arm from his grasp. She must have been intent on another attempt at healing, he surmised. But he reached her wand first and increased the grip on her arm infinitesimally. Just enough to let her know that she could not go yet, but not so rough as to cause her pain.

Severus turned her arm back up and began to wave her wand over the wound murmuring an incantation under his breath. The cuts began to heal and fade until the letters were only thin scars almost indiscernible from her own flesh. He put her wand down and examined her arm for a moment making sure the cuts were completely closed. There would be no getting rid of the scar entirely. She would have it etched into her skin for the rest of her life. But he had done what he could. Satisfied, he finally let her arm go and fixed the long sleeve of her shirt back over it.

He wondered for a moment why he had never seen the scar on her arm before now. But as he fixed the end of the sleeve around her wrist he realized he had never seen it because she always kept it covered. She had hidden it from him and from the world. The same as he hid his. All of his. Hermione pulled her arm back towards herself folding both on the table in front of her.

Severus rose, gathering the used bowl of solution. "What exactly were you attempting to do?" He asked, turning to the fireplace and tossing the contents of the bowl, including the cloth with her blood on it, into the flames. They hissed and sparked for a moment turning bright red as the potion burned away before resuming their previous yellow and orange glow. He stood facing the blaze, hands clasped behind his back

"Trying to get rid of it." He heard Hermione respond behind him. "I asked the Healers at the hospital about scar removal and they gave me a few spells to try."

"Scar removal can become tricky." Severus stated, still staring into the fire. "If the wound was inflicted with a curse it is harder to remove. And since most scars caused by magic are the result of curses, the process can wind up generating more damage than originally caused."

"I suppose I learned that the hard way."

Severus didn't respond. His eyes were fixed on a spot in the back of the fireplace. He felt his right hand rub at the inside of his left forearm. He was concentrating so hard that he didn't hear Hermione rise from her chair. Her touch on his shoulder took him by surprise, but he didn't let her see it as he turned to look sideways at her.

Her eyes dropped to where he was still holding his arm. "I've wondered about that." She whispered. "If it's gone away or not."

Severus unbuttoned the sleeve of his coat and pulled it back and then unbuttoned the cuff of his shirt and pulled that back as well. He turned to face Hermione and showed her the inside of his left forearm. "We each bear our own scar." He said quietly. Hermione reached out and took hold of his arm so she could see the Dark Mark. It had faded into a light pink scar against his skin. The outline of the skull and snake were still visible, but no longer black.

She let his arm go and Severus pulled his shirt and coat sleeves back into place. Once he finished buttoning them up Hermione took his right hand and squeezed it. "Thank you, Severus."

He raised their joined hands and pressed a kiss to the back of her fingers. "You showed me kindness first, Hermione."

~S~

Hermione didn't know how to react to his show of tenderness. She felt a tremor go through her as his lips brushed the back of her hand. She hoped he didn't feel it. Severus dropped their hands between them and they stood together staring at the fire for several minutes until he broke the silence letting out a long breath.

"Are you hungry?" He asked turning to her.

"A little, not too much. You?"

"Same. How about I make something and you sit?"

"That…that would be…thank you." She was so taken aback by the fact that he wanted to take care of her that she was rendered speechless. Severus let go of her hand and turned to pull out a chair for her at the table.

"Please," He offered her the seat and pushed it back in. "Any preferences?"

"I'm sure whatever you decide will be fine."

After lunch Hermione cleaned his wounds and applied fresh bandages. She was pleased to tell him that the punctures were healing normally again and were smaller than they had been the previous week. If his healing continued at this rate he would most likely be fully recovered in a couple more weeks' time. Severus seemed satisfied to hear this but he didn't comment on it as he tied his cravat in place.

He took over finishing the work she had been doing with the potion ingredients on the table while she sat and watched him, her knitting needles clicking quietly in midair as she worked on a new scarf for herself. Hermione had not put them to use in a very long time, and as she sat there watching the accessory take shape she remembered how therapeutic it had been for her while in school. Severus did not seem to mind the constant clicking either as he prepared unfinished ingredients and placed them in the proper jars.

He put them away according to her alphabetical system, sometimes pausing to switch a few jars, and then put them back to their original position. It was the first time he had been in the kitchen since she brought him to Grimmauld Place a little over five weeks ago. She couldn't believe that such a short amount of time had passed, and that it had been about seven weeks since the night of the battle. It felt like a lifetime ago. Hermione quickly calculated the days in her head from May 2nd. If she was counting correctly that meant today was June 30th. She reached for the morning edition of the _Prophet_ and verified the date.

She looked up to tell Severus this, but found that he moving jars around once more. She felt her eyebrow quirk as he muttered under his breath. Was he critiquing or simply making comments?

"If you don't agree with the way I've organized things, please feel free to make changes." It was a friendly offer. She wasn't trying to be snarky.

"No, what you've done is perfectly adequate. I organized my own storeroom this way. At first I thought it would make more sense to organize ingredients by their use. But there are so many overlapping…manipulations for different parts of plants and creatures. Storing alphabetically made it simpler. Although I do want to write up an inventory of what you have currently and corresponding volumes, so you know what to order and when."

"I would appreciate that, thank you. But, why are you still moving my jars around if you agree with my system?"

Severus paused. "I apologize. Several of your ingredients have other names and derivatives that I used on labels because that was how I learned them. My mind is simply moving them to where they would be if this were my storeroom."

"It can be if you want it. Besides the potions I have been making for you I honestly have no use for these. Now that you feel strong enough to get up I know you are not going to want to be still when you do not have to be. If brewing is something you would like to do while you finish your recovery then please, by all means, make use of all this."

Severus turned to look at her, pausing in the list he was creating. "You would allow me to deplete your stores for my personal use?"

"I would rather they be used by someone who not only knows what he is doing, but also has respect for the ingredients and their proper use."

"Spoken like a Potions Master, Hermione." Severus offered her a small smile and returned to his list.

"Not at all. St. Mungo's provided me with adequate ingredients for the potions I have been giving you, but as they began to run out I realized how difficult it is to acquire some of these items and how expensive they are. I have been as frugal as possible. And your old potions book helps as well."

Severus quirked an eyebrow this time. Hermione levitated her knitting needles to the tabletop then got up and retrieved a relatively new-looking book from a hutch she had turned into a bookcase. She handed it to Severus and watched his eyes widen in wonder as he flipped open the cover. She knew he was aware that Harry could only have learned the slicing curse he had used on Draco Malfoy in sixth year from this book, but seeing it for the first time in what was probably about twenty years still seemed to startle him.

"Where did you get this?" He asked opening the stained cover and beginning to gingerly flip through the pages as though the book would fall apart in his hands.

"From Harry. We made him hide it in the Room of Requirement after what happened to Draco. When we went in there to retrieve Rowena Ravenclaw's diadem, he must have forgotten how he marked the hiding place for it, and it was right there underneath the bust that he placed the horcux on. Almost like at the time he knew the book would lead him to it."

"Harry switched the covers with the new book he purchased from Flourish and Blotts."

"Clever." Severus commented as he continued to turn the pages, running his fingers down the ink both printed and written in his own hand. "But how did Potter get a hold of this?"

"Professor Slughorn gave it to him when he signed up late for N.E.W.T. potions in Sixth year. Until the end of the final term we never knew it was yours. We just knew it was dangerous."

"It is very dangerous." Severus stated seriously.

"But also quite informatory." Hermione admonished. "I'll admit I had trouble deciphering some of your hand writing, but the notes and additions you made have been very helpful in some of the potions I have had to make in the past weeks. So really, in the end, you've helped heal yourself."

"Not as much as you have helped me simply by being here, Hermione." Severus shut the book and turned to look at her.

"Going forward I just want you to be able to be the man you should have always been allowed to be. And live your life the way you want to."

Severus didn't respond. Instead he offered her the sincerest smile she had yet to see on him. Though it was still small, it spoke volumes to her. He was genuinely grateful. And for Hermione, that was enough.


	5. Until the End

Disclaimer: See Chapter 1

 _So clever_  
 _Whatever_  
 _I'm done with these endeavors_  
 _Alone, I walk the winding way_  
 _(Here I stay)_

\- Breaking Benjamin

* * *

Chapter 5

Hermione knew something had shifted between her and Severus the following morning. It wasn't immediately discernible in his outward personality. He was reserved and quiet as he walked into the kitchen, adjusting the knot on his cravat. He barely paid attention to what he was doing, muscle memory taking over. His eyes were somber, looking ahead of him and not at his hands as they tied the length of black fabric around his throat. She noticed that he didn't pull it particularly tight, instead letting the loops sit comfortably around his neck on top of both his shirt collar and the bandages she had just changed only a little while ago.

He glanced in her direction when she greeted him, offering a whisper of a smile to her, which constituted the corner of his mouth lifting up. She knew it was a smile and not a sneer because the tiny motion actually reached his eyes, and she glimpsed a hint of a sparkle there, almost as though he was glad to see her.

She looked back to the cauldron she was working over, hiding a smile of her own as she added chamomile and stirred clockwise slowly. The potion took on the delicate shade of blue she was looking for, shimmering with her gentle agitation.

"You have executed that exceptionally well." Severus commented, coming to stand beside her. She knew he recognized the basic pain relief potion she was brewing and felt herself blush knowingly at his praise.

"I've had a lot of practice lately."

"If you would like, I could demonstrate how to brew differing levels of strength for this potion."

Hermione looked up sideways at him, considering his offer.

"I would like that, thank you." She flicked her wand and killed the flames underneath the cauldron so the potion could cool.

Severus walked away from her without another word, around to the opposite side of the table. He glanced at the morning copy of _The Daily Prophet_ , unfolding it lengthwise to read the headline across the front page, then sat down in a chair to continue reading the main article. He was as quiet as ever as she moved around the kitchen making tea and finding something for breakfast. On a few occasions she swore she caught him watching her out of the corners of his eyes. The thought made her skin flush warm, but she shook it off.

Thankfully Severus was as content with simplicity as she was, taking the toast she offered him without complaint. Hermione sat diagonal from him on the other side of the table corner, a book on hex defense propped open against an empty cauldron in front of her.

"Considering my earlier opinion?"

Hermione looked up from her book, a piece of toast halfway to her mouth. Severus was studying her over the folded edge of the paper, sipping his tea, an expression on his face of complete nonchalance. He quirked an eyebrow at her when she didn't respond.

 _Yes, no change in his personality at all_ , Hermione mused. He still had that way of coming off as a complete ass, even though he was genuinely interested in hearing her answer.

"I'm keeping my options open, yes."

"So you believe becoming an auror would be an adequate avenue of pursuit?"

Of course he would know that that had been her intention. The book was a dead giveaway.

"I'm contemplating it."

Severus returned his eyes to the paper without another word. Hermione shook her head, returning to her reading. She had only progressed a few more paragraphs when the sound of Severus setting the paper down drew her attention back to him. She watched him rise from the table, take his used dishes to the large sink at the back of the kitchen, and then returned to begin looking through the sheets of parchment she had out on the table and the various ingredients all organized in to groups.

He read one side of a sheet, his brows furrowing in confusion, flipped it over and read the other side. He muttered something under his breath that sounded like "…completely inaccurate, no surprise of course…"

Hermione knew the sheets contained different potions recipes she had received only that morning via owl post, sent to her from one of the Head Potioneers at St. Mungo's. After informing the hospital yesterday that the wounds in Severus's neck were closing and that his strength was returning, they concluded that most of the venom had been removed from his body. There was no way of knowing if any toxin still lingered. Only time would tell that and if it would have any lasting effects.

Despite this the Healer-in-Charge considered him to be nearly fully recovered. So, in preparation of her returning to the hospital to complete her apprenticeship she was sent a list of potions and their recipes to practice along with the recipes. Though how long it would actually be until she did return was not up to her. She would only do so once Severus was fully recovered and left to go about his life.

The thought saddened her for some reason.

Hermione shook it off and returned her attention to the former professor. He was reorganizing the group of ingredients for the dreamless sleep potion with his left hand while his right, armed with a quill, moved down the recipe crossing things out and making notations. He appeared to not even be thinking about what was on the page in front of him, his mind analyzing and fixing, editing the recipe in order to render a flawless brew. A true Potions Master.

"It's good to see you like this, Severus."

"How so?" He responded, without looking up from the work in front of him.

Hermione shrugged and answered, "Normal."

Severus finished a note and set the quill down. He stood up crossing his arms over his chest, an amused expression playing across his face. "And what exactly is your perception of normal, Miss. Granger?"

She assessed him. He was dressed in the same impeccable black she had come to admire on him. It suited him. From the old-fashioned cravat to the neat row of buttons down the front of his frock coat. Everything about him was meticulous and precise, measured and intentional. Right down to way he crossed his arms.

"Well," she started, "from years of personal experience, I would have to say your obsessive need for perfection. For one."

She watched both corners of his mouth twitch into a smile this time, but he didn't break their gaze. "I suppose that would be an accurate observation for either one of us to make where the other is concerned."

 _He has a point_ , Hermione admitted mentally to herself. She had never expected anything less than perfection from herself, and so had grown to respect her potions teacher more so than all others. He had pushed them to perform better in every class, even though that particular aspect of his personality had grated on her and been exhausting at times. You could only brew an exploding potion so many times before you ran out of chances to correct your technique. Needless to say, she had honed her skills early on and carried them through all of her years at Hogwarts.

Severus regarded her for a moment longer before returning to his revisions. Hermione returned to her book. He may still be the same Professor Snape on the outside that she had known in her childhood, but underneath the true man was beginning to show.

She glanced up every couple of minutes or so to see if he was still editing the recipes. A smirk formed on her face as she watched him organize ingredients for each one that had been sent over, setting everything up in a line so she could move from one potion to the next. Hermione finally put her book down and folded her arms on the table.

"This is quite amusing." She said, and Severus looked up at her, his brows drawn in confusion.

"What is?" He asked.

"Watching you." Hermione got up and walked over to stand next to him. "It's like you're trying to teach me all over again. It makes me feel nostalgic."

"You actually enjoyed my classes, Miss Granger?" He didn't sound too convinced.

"Hermione," She corrected him gently. "And I did. They weren't as fascinating as Arithmancy or Ancient Runes, but they were certainly more challenging than Transfiguration and Charms."

"I will have to inform your other former professors of your opinion on their classroom dynamics."

"I'm sure they would appreciate the constructive criticism, but please don't."

"Do not worry. I have no intentions of doing so. However," He paused, she supposed, for effect in the deliverance of his words. She recognized it, and the tone of his deep voice. It made her feel even more sentimental for her school days. She had to hide the grin that threatened to form on her face. "I would like to revisit your earlier comment about my trying to teach you again." Severus finished saying, and turned to her. "I have already offered to show you variations on the pain relief potion, but I would also like to extend my assistance in these other concoctions you have been asked to practice."

"You've brewed all of these before?" Hermione asked, indicating the sheets of parchment on the table in front of them.

"Who do you think kept the hospital wing stocked with healing potions?"

Hermione shrugged one shoulder. "I always assumed it was Madame Pomfrey herself doing it all."

"At some times, yes. But throughout the majority of the year I would brew consistently for her when she was otherwise occupied."

Hermione felt her eyebrow quirk. _Then he certainly knows what he's doing_ , she thought to herself. Why not let him assist her? She had already offered him the use of the stores in the kitchen. They could make use of them together.

The last word lingered in her mind for a minute. She entertained the image of working side by side with Severus instead of their former relationship of professor and student. "Yes, all right. So long as you don't make me write an essay if I brew one of these incorrectly."

"That would be an exercise in futility, Hermione." Severus stated in an amused tone. No doubt he was remembering the numerous essays he had assigned to Harry every time he failed in class. "You will never learn your mistakes in potion making from writing lines. Only by attempting further brews."

"Then, once more, I accept." She reached for the nearest piece of parchment and picked it up. "When can we get started?"

Severus chuckled quietly as he set up a cauldron. "Always eager."

Hermione was certain in that moment that something had indeed shifted between them. He no longer regarded her as an inferior. His attitude toward her had changed. They were on an even playing field now. And, Hermione even dared to think, he now respected her as an equal.

~S~

The following afternoon, Severus was cleaning up in the kitchen after showing Hermione the variations of the pain relief potion. They had spent the better part of the morning hovering over three steaming cauldrons as he instructed her on the preparation of the different ingredients and how to properly integrate them in order to achieve the desired potency. The previous morning, they had prepared two of the five potions that had been sent over for her before Hermione grew frustrated with the Pepperup potion, only scalding her mouth and not actually warming her body through.

But today she had performed well, even though her strongest level potion had turned out too thin. She stomped away in a huff, mumbling to herself. Severus had watched her bushy head of hair - crazier than normal thanks to the steaming cauldrons - retreat, and had flinched slightly when he heard her bedroom door slam upstairs. He wondered for a moment if maybe he shouldn't have commented on the final consistency after all.

Hermione Granger was predictable when it came to how high she set the bar for herself. But as far as how she dealt with failure, the young witch was still a complete mystery to him. As she had stalked from the kitchen, he heard her muttering the recipe under her breath and the places where she knew she had made mistakes. What he heard of her self-assessment had been accurate, and it impressed him. She didn't waste time berating herself. Instead, she was correcting in her mind what she knew she had done wrong before even making the decision to try again, thereby reducing the chance that she would make the same mistake next time.

Severus finished cleaning out the final cauldron and set it aside when he heard the front door open and close upstairs. He grabbed Hermione's wand where she had left it on the table and slipped it up his left sleeve before venturing up into the hallway. Potter was just finishing locking the door and casting the wards over it when he turned, clearly becoming startled by the unexpected presence of someone else in the hall.

"Apologies," Severus offered.

"No worries. Didn't she tell you the door was enchanted, though? It has restricted entrance on it." Harry asked as he watched the suspicion fade from his former professor's face.

Severus remembered. But that didn't mean someone else outside of their little circle of friends couldn't break the wards of an eighteen-year-old witch.

"Yes," Potter agreed after Severus voiced his thoughts, "but Hermione's not your average eighteen-year-old witch. Is she?"

"Point taken." Severus muttered.

"Where is she anyway?" Potter asked, glancing around the entryway and up the staircase.

"Grieving over the result of a mediocre brew."

Potter quirked an eyebrow.

"I was instructing her on variations of a basic pain potion. Her final concoction was less than remarkable in her eyes."

"Her eyes, or your eyes?" Harry quipped back.

"Her eyes," Severus repeated firmly. He had merely commented that the consistency was a bit thinner than expected, but her overall first effort had been admirable. He couldn't help that she took his attempt at constructive criticism as just plain criticism.

"Is she upstairs or down?"

"Up," Severus answered slowly, growing marginally frustrated with Potter's questions. Clearly the young man still did not know how to take initiative. It would have been much simpler, and less aggravating, for him to go upstairs or check down here on his own without bothering Severus with the interrogation.

"Is it ok if I go check on her?"

Had he seriously just asked that? Was this not _his_ house now, and Hermione _his_ friend?

"If you deem it necessary. But I will warn you, she may still be … volatile. I would duck before opening the door if I were you, Potter."

"Well, if she doesn't have her wand on her, it's not like she can hex me."

"How naïve you are to assume that a witch considers her wand as her only weapon." Severus turned and re-entered the kitchen. He heard Potter's steps on the stairs as he ascended to the upper floor and listened for the knock on Hermione's door. It was followed by Potter's shout in protest and then the sound of something shattering as it made impact. Glass perhaps.

"Blimey, Hermione! It's just me." Potter shouted, his voice echoing down two flights of stairs. Hermione ranted in return, and Severus could only just make out what was she was saying, her feminine voice muffled by the floors between them. _Quite a sharp tongue_ , Severus thought. _Weapon indeed_.

"You don't need to get your knickers in a twist because a stupid potion didn't work out the way you wanted it to the first time. Get over it. Try again."

Potter had a point, Severus decided. Hermione did need to learn to accept failure with more grace. But then again, he couldn't expect her to do so when even he could get a temper equal in measure for similar reasons.

"Look, I just came by to talk. Get your hormones under control and come down."

Severus heard Potter's footsteps overheard move down the hall and then they were on the stairs. He decided if the two of them were going to have what he assumed was a private conversation he may as well make himself scarce.

"Crazy, hormonal woman." Potter was muttering as he stepped off the landing. "All over a potion. It's not like we're in school anymore and we're being tested."

"Life is a test, Potter." Severus stated as he met the young man in the hallway. "And Miss Granger is consistently aware of that."

"She expects too much of herself. That's her problem." Potter interjected. "She always has. And when she can't maintain her own personal standards, it's like her world has imploded. She needs to give herself a break."

On that, Severus agreed with him.

"Harry, while I appreciate your concern for my well-being, could you not bring my "delicate female sensibilities" into this? The time of the month is irrelevant." Hermione's voice stated as she came down the stairs.

Severus felt his eyebrow quirk in surprise. Hermione stopped when she took notice of him, her cheeks pinking in embarrassment. "Sorry. You didn't need to hear that." She apologized. "Just pretend I never mentioned it."

Potter was shaking with laughter, his head bowed, obviously hiding an amused smile.

" _You_ ," Hermione rounded on him, "in the kitchen."

Severus could hear the young man continue to chuckle as they disappeared down the stairs. Hermione stuck her head back out a minute later, a look of suspicion on her face.

"Where's my wand?"

He held her stare until she narrowed her eyes at him. Severus sighed, then removed her wand from his left sleeve and placed it in her waiting hand.

Perhaps, he thought as she shut the door and descended the stairs once more, he should stay out here. Just in case the need arose to separate those two in the possible event of a hex battle. Not that it would be much of a one. He was willing to put good money on who he knew would be the victor. There were times, he decided, when eavesdropping was warranted. He took the few steps to the door quietly and listened through the crack.

"What did you want to talk about?" Hermione asked, her voice followed by the sound of a chair being pulled out and then moved back in slightly.

"I just came by to check on things. You, the house. I also wanted to talk about Ron."

Hermione sighed and Severus could just imagine the young witch rolling her eyes in exasperation. "I've tried writing to him, but he won't answer any of my letters."

"He's not keen on coming here. Not while Snape is still around. He doesn't trust him."

"He made that abundantly clear the last time he and I talked. And I told him that he needed to grow up and move on. Although, not precisely in those words. That would have been harsh. I know that he's still grieving for Fred, and I understand that. But Severus had nothing to do with Fred's death."

"He's guilty by association in Ron's mind." Potter said, and then heard the young man suppress a laugh.

"What?" Hermione questioned.

"On first name terms with him now, are you?"

"Your point?"

"It's just interesting. That's all. Does he call you by your first name when it's the twp of you, or is he still formal in his address?"

"He calls me 'Hermione'. Is there something wrong with that?"

Severus smirked to himself as he heard the defensive tone slip into her voice. He knew she didn't like having her judgment questioned.

"No, just interesting. Like I said."

Hermione huffed. "Moving on. I'm more than willing to talk to him, to try and smooth things over since our last conversation did not end well."

"How many vases did you throw at _him_?"

"None. I didn't get the opportunity. He called me a bleeding heart and showed himself out. I haven't seen or spoken to him since." Hermione let out a long breath and then added, "It's been five weeks." Her tone was sad, and a little depressed.

They were both silent for a moment and Severus heard the sound of a glass being set down on the table.

"I'm sorry he's not answering you, Hermione. I know what that feels like, and it hurts. It sits deep in your chest and all you can do is wonder." Potter waited for a moment before continuing. "Has anything else changed with him? Snape, I mean."

Hermione hesitated and Severus recognized the pause. She was gathering her thoughts and formulating a careful response.

"He's still the same man we knew as children. Sometimes terrifying, sometimes awe-inspiring. But there's more." She paused, her voice taking on a tone of diffidence. "He's free from all of the deceit that he dealt in for years. I've witnessed a kinder, compassionate side of him that I never knew existed. And I know it's an example of the man he should have been allowed to be all these years. All of the time he spent as a spy hardened his heart and gave him an impenetrable exterior. He didn't trust anyone. But that's no longer part of his life, and he's slowly been opening up more. Coming to terms with the fact that we forgive him and we're willing to look past his bad choices and help him."

Severus was stunned. Never had someone understood him so clearly. He obviously did not give Hermione a fraction of the credit she deserved. She had perceived more about him in the last few weeks than most people could that he had known his whole life.

"He was tormented by my mother's death." Potter stated next. Severus felt his chest grow tight. Not a day went by that he still didn't think of Lily Evans. At the time it occurred, her death had been the end of his world. He knew he would never be able to love again the way he had loved her.

"She was the only person he ever truly cared for." Potter continued now. "He did everything in his power to protect her, as well as me and my dad. He gave up his freedom in order to save my mother's life. All of our lives … and she died anyway. That kind of agony doesn't fade easily."

Severus felt his temper flare at the young man's words. Potter knew nothing of the pain caused by such a loss in one's life. He was half tempted to move from where he stood and storm into the kitchen to tell the boy off. But that would mean admitting that he had been listening all along. And this was clearly a conversation that Hermione and Potter were having under the presumption that he was not within earshot.

"I think he's beginning to let some of that pain go. Let his heart open up again." Hermione stated, her voice hopeful.

"Hermione, has anything between the two of _you_ changed at all?" Potter's tone was inquisitive, bordering on nosy.

"No, why? I mean, we may be developing some level of civil friendship, but nothing more."

Potter was clearly not convinced by her response when he heard the careful tone of the young man's voice.

"I'm not so sure, Hermione."

She made a sound of dismissal. "Rubbish. You sound like Ron. Getting back to him … What am I supposed to do if he won't answer my letters or come by to talk to me face to face?"

"He'll come around eventually, Hermione. You don't owe him any explanations. He has a habit of holding grudges, and he needs to learn to let things go."

"Could you try and talk to him?"

"No, you two need to work this out." Potter said firmly. "Remember Fourth year when Ron and I had a falling out over my name coming out of the Goblet of Fire? You accused me of treating you like an owl. Well, now I'm going to tell you not to treat me like one. I don't want to get stuck in the middle of this between you two."

Hermione sighed. "You're right. Of course. We both need to be adults about this."

"I would be willing, however, to ask Ron if he would come by with me before the end of the week. He's staying with Percy right now, trying to find a temporary job at the Ministry. Maybe you two could go for a walk somewhere and talk things out on neutral ground?"

"It's worth a try." Hermione agreed.

Severus heard their chairs scrape back across the floor and Potter make his farewells. When the door leading down to the kitchen opened a minute later, he was already at the top of the stairs, hiding in the shadows of the upper landing.

~S~

That night, he had a different nightmare. His mind traveled back farther than just seven weeks. It went back seventeen years to the night Lily had been murdered.

 _He climbed the stairs of the Potter's' destroyed house coming across first the body of James Potter, his eyes still opened wide in death. Severus felt his stomach wrench and his heart pound in his chest with fear._

 _He made his way slowly down the hallway to the room at the end. The door hung from its hinges, and even before he crossed the threshold he knew. But seeing her lying there on the floor, lifeless, her eyes open in a dead stare, hit him in the ribs with a pain he had never before known. His heart shattered into a million pieces as he fell to the floor beside her and gathered her body in his arms, tears falling from his eyes into her hair._

 _He cried her name into the darkness around him for several minutes before laying her body back down. He would have stayed beside her all night, but he could not linger there. He became aware of the sound of more crying behind him, but didn't turn to see who it was, assuming it to be the infant Potter in his crib. But then he felt two hands on his shoulders. They moved to wrap around his body and held him._

" _It's all right. I'm here, Severus."_

Severus's eyes opened and he realized he had been crying in his sleep. He tried to turn and he felt someone let go of him.

Hermione quickly moved away a few inches from him on his bed.

"I'm so sorry, but you were crying out and shaking violently this time."

Severus wiped his face and sat up facing away from her. He rose from the bed and walked across the room, using the light from the tip of Hermione's wand to find the bathroom. Once inside, he ran cold water from the tap and splashed his face a few times.

"I assume you don't want to talk about it?" Hermione asked from the doorway.

"You assume correctly, Miss Granger. I will be fine. Thank you for coming in."

"Of course." She didn't say another word, and he heard the bedroom door click shut a moment later.

As soon as she was gone, he wished he'd asked her to stay. He didn't want to be alone. He didn't want to go back to that night again. He had spent the last seventeen years reliving it over and over whilst awake, and now it haunted him in his sleep. His only reprieve, it seemed, was Hermione's proximity while he slept.

And that rained down confusion on his mind that he didn't even want to begin to understand.


	6. Monster

Disclaimer: See Chapter 1

 **Note: Chapter contains mild violence via curse casting. If sensitive to this or the mention of blood, please skip.**

 _I feel it deep within, it's just beneath the skin_  
 _I must confess that I feel like a monster_  
 _I hate what I've become, the nightmare's just begun_

\- Skillet

* * *

Chapter 6

As forewarned, Potter returned Thursday afternoon with Ronald Weasley in tow. Severus was in the kitchen with Hermione, making a second attempt on the pain relief potion. He had given her a few days to cool down and make the decision on her own to try again.

She was just starting the process of adding the chamomile and stirring the potion to a cerulean blue when the front door opened. It broke her concentration and she agitated the potion in the wrong direction. It immediately hissed and turned turquoise, rendered useless.

"Oh bloody hell," Hermione cursed. "They have such bad timing."

"Another attempt another day then. _Evanesco_." He waved her wand over the cauldron and the contents vanished.

Hermione took her wand from him when he handed it over and slipped it into her jeans pocket. "Maybe you should go upstairs," she stated, then shook her head. "No, you shouldn't have to inconvenience yourself. Please, stay here if you want."

"I do not believe my proximity, or lack of, is going to make any difference considering the way Mr. Weasley feels about my presence here."

Hermione grimaced and said, "You're probably right. I guess do what you want, then."

Severus felt his eyebrow quirk. "That is not entirely wise to offer to someone like me."

Hermione laughed out loud as she exited the kitchen. Severus walked out behind her, smirking to himself, intent on going upstairs so he would be well out of the way. However, when he stepped into the hallway behind Hermione, his plans changed.

Ronald Weasley stood in the hall just inside the door. The expression on his face was one of hatred and disbelief. Potter stood behind him.

"Having a good laugh together, are you?" Ron accused, his eyes on Hermione. "I guess that's what happens when you become friends with the enemy."

"Ron, let's not start again this way." Hermione pleaded. "Let's go for a walk somewhere and talk like civil human beings."

"No, right here is just fine. He can hear everything I have to say," Ron replied with a nod in Severus's direction.

"If you're going to start flinging cruel, unnecessary remarks, then just go. I'm trying to offer you the opportunity for us to talk this out like responsible adults."

"Screw being responsible, Hermione. It is not your _responsibility_ to help him."

Severus watched the young man, keeping his eyes trained on his wand hand. He could see the length of wood sticking out of the side pocket of his jeans. Severus felt his own right hand twitch. Hermione's wand was sticking out of her own rear pocket only a few feet or so in front of him. If need be, he would be able to grab it and pull her out of harm's way.

"Ron, this is not about what you or I are s _upposed_ to do. It's about what we _should_ do. And what we should do right now is go out that door and have this conversation somewhere else."

"Why? Are you afraid I might see something that I'm not supposed to? Like your feelings for him?" Weasley's eyes flashed at Severus. "Don't deny it, Hermione."

"There's nothing to deny. We're friends, yes, but there's nothing more there. You and I-"

"Don't lie to me!" Weasley shouted, interrupting her, finally reaching for his wand. Severus was faster. He grabbed Hermione's wand from her back pocket at the same time he pulled her back and behind him, raising her wand in defense as Weasley raised his.

" _Sectumsempra_!"

Several things happened at once, appearing in slow motion to Severus. The curse barely left Weasley's mouth when Potter reached forward with a shout in protest and grabbed the young man's arm, causing the spell to misdirect as it shot from his wand.

Severus shot a blocking spell from Hermione's wand, but he felt her move out from behind him and push him out of the way with a strength he didn't know she possessed, placing her body in front of his. Severus watched his spell hit a spot on the wall above the boys' heads, but the curse hit Hermione square in her left shoulder.

Weasley, who had never put much force into his spellwork before, had shot the curse with such hatred behind it that it ripped clean through Hermione's shirt and into flesh, cutting a deep gash over her collarbone and across her shoulder. She collapsed backward into Severus's arms, unconscious.

"Imbecile." he hissed at Weasley, already scooping Hermione up behind her knees. He carried her quickly down into the kitchen and laid her supine form out on the table.

Harry rushed in behind him. "Is there any Dittany?" he asked looking around, clearly wanting to help.

"Dittany is useless right now," Severus stated as he ripped the fabric of Hermione's shirt away from the wound. The curse had torn her flesh open, disrupting muscle and other tissues, but it wasn't down to the bone. Blood seeped from the opening, coating Severus's hands. He grabbed Hermione's wand and passed it slowly back and forth over the wound, chanting slowly under his breath.

" _Vulnera sanentur … vulnera sanentur … vulnera sanentur…_ "

The blood flowed back into her body and the torn tissues began to mend and knit back together.

"The Dittany is on the second shelf of the hutch just behind you," he said to Potter. Severus continued to wave Hermione's wand over the wound until it became a superficial gash.

"A few drops at a time." he instructed as Potter returned with the bottle. The former student performed as bid, and Severus continued to wave the wand back and forth over Hermione's shoulder. The dittany smoked and foamed when it touched her skin, and the wound closed up even more, shrinking to a treatable slice.

Finally, Severus put the wand down.

"That's enough." he told Potter, and the young man backed off, stoppering the bottle. "There's a paste on the same shelf as the Dittany. Collect that, the bottle of wound-cleaning potion, and some bandages." he instructed as he wiped his hands on a tea towel that had been lying on the table. While Potter gathered the necessary items, Severus looked over the wound. It would leave a scar, but Hermione would be all right otherwise.

He noticed, for the first time, the scar on her neck. It was small and faint enough that it could go unseen if one did not know it was there. The mark looked to have been caused by a blade, and the one wielding it had pressed the point to her skin, intent on spilling blood should she move. This meant Hermione had been restrained when she was cut. His mind went to Bellatrix Lestrange, and he felt a sudden burst of protectiveness for the witch in front of him.

He took her hand where it lay on her chest and reached out with the other to brush some hair off her face. Her eyes fluttered and she opened them slowly as Severus was running the backs of his fingers down her cheek in a slow caress.

"Are you all right?" he asked quietly.

Hermione nodded, gazing into his eyes. "I am now," was her equally quiet reply, and she reached up to touch his hand as he stroked her cheek again.

~S~

Neither Hermione nor Severus was aware they were being watched. Not just by Harry, who was coming back with the items requested, but also by Ron, who had finally moved into the kitchen doorway from the hall, and was watching the entire scene.

His anger abated the moment he realized he had struck Hermione and not his intended target. He had been frozen in his place for several moments when she collapsed, Harry rushing past to help.

When his feet obeyed his brain again, he walked slowly down the stairs until he reached the kitchen door. Snape was waving Hermione's wand over the gash in her shoulder caused by the curse he had cast. Ron watched the blood that had been trickling down the top of her chest slowly begin to creep back upward into the wound and the damage to her body begin to repair itself.

Harry stood at her head, dropping Dittany onto the wound. It grew even smaller until it was just a slice across her skin. Snape then asked Harry to gather some supplies, and while he did, the older wizard leaned over Hermione. He touched her and stroked her face. Ron watched as her eyes opened a moment later and the look that came into them when she saw Snape above her. She was thankful. Her hand came up to cover his as he stroked her cheek, smiling softly at her. And she returned it.

Ron knew in that moment as he watched the exchange between the girl he cared for and the man he hated, that Hermione's heart did not belong to him any longer. More so, if the look in her eyes as she stared up at Snape was any indication, it had not belonged to him for some time.

~S~

Hermione passed back out only moments after waking briefly in the kitchen. It had been enough time for Severus to see the emotion in her eyes when she took in the fact that he was the one there with her. She was grateful to see him and had reached up to touch his hand in acceptance. Drained from the effect of the curse, she had slipped back into unconsciousness shortly after that. He cleaned the wound on her shoulder and applied a thin layer of paste to it before binding it with the bandages Potter brought him.

He then scooped her back up and carried her from the kitchen, past Weasley, who didn't even seem to notice, and upstairs to her bedroom where he laid her down gently. Severus sat beside her and took her hand, running his thumb across the back of it. He half listened to the exchange between Potter and Weasley downstairs as it went on for several minutes before the front door opened and closed. Potter walked into the room a minute later and took a seat in the chair across from Hermione's bed.

He felt secure enough to leave her under the younger wizard's watch while he went downstairs to get some potions for her to take when she awoke. He thought back to Weasley's accusations and realized he had brought up for the second time his thoughts on Hermione's feelings toward him.

Severus had noticed her increased attention to him, watching him whenever they were together, following his movements. She smiled at him more often and did not shy away from his touch if he accidently grazed against her, or if their fingers touched when reaching for the same ingredient whilst brewing. He recalled earlier that morning when such an encounter had occurred. Hermione had reached for the Murtlap Essence at the same time he had and their hands brushed momentarily.

It was not the first time they had touched this way, but it was the first time he had felt a jolt go through him. Hermione must have felt it, too, if the blush that crept into her cheeks was an indication when he chanced a look at her afterward.

Severus finished measuring out a cup of both pain and blood-replenishing potions and returned upstairs. Potter was still sitting in the chair watching Hermione, elbows on his knees. He regarded Severus as he walked in, but his eyes flicked back to where his friend still lay unconscious on the bed. Severus set the potions down on the bedside table and sat down beside Hermione, taking her hand again.

"I'm sorry about Ron." Potter apologized to him.

"It's not I that the apology is owed to." Severus responded quietly, his eyes still on Hermione.

"Actually it is. This happened because Ron can't seem to get over his hatred of you."

"It's not that he 'can't seem to'. He refuses to." Severus paused and took a breath and reached out to push a strand of hair from Hermione's forehead. "And I do not believe it is hatred strictly of me, but more so the group of people I was once associated with. The same individuals that were responsible for the death of his brother. And I cannot fault him for that."

"Yes," Potter stated, "but you weren't directly responsible for that. That was Rookwood. You weren't even there when it happened."

"It doesn't matter, Potter. Mr. Weasley still relates me with those wretched people. They have destroyed so many lives over the years. His brother is simply among the most recent. And I do not say that to sound cruel. It is merely fact."

"I know," Potter sighed heavily, "but hanging on to all of this is only poisoning his mind. He doesn't see how much it's hurting those around him. He doesn't even see how much he's hurting himself. He only knows anger right now. It's how he deals with grief. He lashes out."

"It is an unhealthy habit. One that has caused distinct repercussions." Severus glanced to Potter and the young man met his gaze. Severus felt an unspoken truce pass between them. For now they had found some common ground in the witch that lay on the bed before them. Potter was concerned with her emotional well-being as she worked through this tenuous relationship with Ronald Weasley. He didn't want to see their friendship suffer because one of them refused to accept change.

However, Severus was concerned for Hermione and how this entire ordeal was going to affect her as a person. Would it harden her heart, thereby disallowing herself to let anyone else in? Or would she turn inwards and shy away from the strong, confident young woman he had come to know? He didn't want either to come to fruition. Therefore, he swore to himself right then that he would be there for her in any way she needed. So long as he was a part of her life. It was the least he could offer her after all the support she had given him as he struggled through his own tribulations in the past weeks.

Severus finally broke eye contact with Potter and they returned to look at Hermione as she began to stir.

~S~

She was lying down when she woke up. The dim room swam into focus and she attempted to push herself up into a sitting position. But she had barely put any weight on her hands when pain seared across her left shoulder, blinding her.

She laid back down, rather someone pushed her back down. A strong hand touched her uninjured side, pressing her back against a pillow. The last thing she remembered was standing in the hall with Severus in front of her. Her wand was in his hand raised in defense as he pointed it at Ron.

Ron had pulled his own wand out and muttered the curse she had seen performed less than half a dozen times. She knew the damage it could inflict and so she had pushed Severus out of the way, taking the blow herself. The rest after that was blackness.

When the pain receded, she opened her eyes again. A familiar pair of obsidian ones stared back at her. He looked relieved to see her conscious again and pulled his hand from her shoulder. Severus reached over to the nightstand beside her bed to retrieve two small cups. He helped her to sit up so she did not put weight on her left side and handed her first one, then the other.

"You own pain and blood-replenishing potions," he explained. Hermione tipped both back, surprised they didn't taste as bitter as he had always complained about when she gave them to him. "I added some honeysuckle to both to balance the flavor." Severus stated, obviously noting her expression. "I'm going to mix up a mild sleeping potion for you so you can rest without discomfort."

"Thank you." she responded quietly, handing him the cups back. She could already feel the residual pain in her shoulder numbing out.

"I'll leave you two to talk." Severus then rose from her bed and walked out, shutting the door halfway behind him. Hermione looked past where he had been sitting and noticed for the first time that Harry was sitting in a chair in the corner, leaning forward with his elbows on his knees as he watched her, his face grave.

"Where's Ron?" she asked, fixing the blanket across her lap.

"He left after Snape brought you up here. How are you?"

"Considering that Ron nearly took my left arm off… All right, I suppose. The potion helps."

Harry smiled, but it didn't reach his eyes. Instead he rose from the chair and came over to sit on the side of the bed next to her.

"He feels terrible, but he wasn't aiming for you."

Hermione gave her a friend a dour look. "I know exactly who he was aiming for. That's why I jumped in front of him. Severus still isn't strong enough to take a hit like that."

"And you are?"

"I'm certainly in better condition to do so."

Harry sighed. "Hermione, do you care about him?"

"Not so much now that he nearly cursed a hole through my shoulder." she replied indignantly.

"You know I'm not talking about Ron."

Hermione was silent. She stared at Harry and he stared back. His hand reached out and covered hers where it lay on the blanket. "Hermione, do you have feelings for him?" he asked again, a little more forcefully.

She didn't know what to say. This was not the first time that particular query had been put to her. She did have feelings for Severus, she supposed. He had been in her care for weeks, and they had grown accustomed to each other, gotten to know one another. A companionship had formed. Surely that was what Harry meant.

"Feelings other than 'civil friendship', as you put it?"

Then again, perhaps not.

Hermione shook her head. "No, of course not. Why do you and Ron keep asking me this?"

"Because we both saw what happened in the kitchen."

Hermione felt her brows furrow in confusion. "What are you talking about?"

"Don't you remember?"

"I remember being hit with a curse in my shoulder and then I blacked out."

"You woke up for a minute or so. Snape had just finished closing your wound."

Hermione suddenly recalled the gentle stroke of a caress on her face. She reached her own fingers up to touch her cheek, feeling it warm from the memory. It hadn't been a dream.

But she dropped her hand almost immediately and fixed her features so her expression gave nothing away. Harry was studying their hands when she chanced a look at him. He picked his head back up. "Nothing?"

"Nothing." she affirmed.

They sat in silence for a few minutes, Harry stroking her hand absentmindedly while she picked lint from the edge of the blanket with her free one.

"Do you still have feelings for Ron?"

She wished he hadn't asked this. She had no real answer. Only paltry excuses for why Ron's behavior made her so miserable and hence why she didn't want to be around him. They had barely revealed their true feelings for each other when they had had to go separate ways. In the time between now and then they hadn't had the opportunity to really explore what they meant to each other.

Yes, there had been a brief moment of time in their Sixth year when Hermione had felt her heart break as she watched Ron carry on with Lavender Brown. Even if all they had been doing was snogging each other's lips off for three months as far as she knew. It had still been a terrible three months for her. Had that been love she felt and the overall cause of her heartache?

Even now, going back and musing over it all, she couldn't be sure. Perhaps it had just been jealousy or annoyance that Ron had found another girl to spend so much time with who didn't understand him the same way she did. Maybe it _had_ been love. But life had also been so much simpler then.

Things were different now. The world around them had shifted, and she had shifted with it. Taking on a new level of maturity in order to meet the tasks in front of her.

Ron refused to grow accustomed to these changes. And while that was not her problem, it hurt her to see him question his faith in her. Why did he perceive what she was doing - helping Severus recover from his wounds - as a threat? As something so wrong in his eyes? She just couldn't wrap her head around it. She still considered Ron her friend. She would always consider Ron her friend. But did those feelings go deeper than that anymore?

Hermione shook her head at Harry. "Not in the way I thought I did. Not anymore."

Harry's face fell. She could tell he had been secretly hoping she would say she still loved Ron Weasley. That she wanted to give him another chance for them to be together. Sadly, it just wasn't the case.

Her heart had moved on.

But had it moved on to another?

Hermione let her thoughts drift to the man downstairs. Immediately following the attack when she and Ron had first brought Snape to the hospital he had been collateral damage in her eyes. Guilty of terrible crimes, but still not deserving of death. She had swallowed her pride and stuck around to do everything she could to help him survive that first night.

After learning of the secret he had kept for so many years, her perception of him changed. He was still the man who killed Dumbledore, still the Death Eater who had cast the spell on George and cursed off his left ear. The very same spell Ron had attempted to inflict on him today. But he was human, and therefore to her, deserving of a second chance.

Showing him benevolence had only been the beginning. She grew to trust him as he opened up to her, providing her with glimpses of the soul she had seen that night in the boathouse when she thought she was watching him die. It was a soul tormented by years of pain and loss. But as the first two weeks at Grimmauld Place went by he began to return her trust. He didn't look at her with as much disdain when she came in to check on him, bring his potions, and change the bandages around his neck.

She assumed it was a vulnerable spot for him now. A point of weakness he did not like to show. It explained the high collar and cravat he had worn for so many years, that he was still wearing. But he began to cooperate with her, allowing her to touch him without protest. It was a show of his faith in her abilities

When he found her in the kitchen earlier in the week making those feeble attempts at eliminating the scar on her arm he had been patient and gentle. Even though she had been unwilling to talk about the events of the night Bellatrix cut up her arm, her trust in his ability to help her had warranted a return in confidence. He had shown her his own mark, or what was left of it now, thus providing her with another glimpse into the truly private man that he was. It moved her. Afterward, they had stood in front of the fire together in companionable silence. She knew then that that had been the turning point in their relationship.

She remembered the feel of his lips as they had brushed across the back of her hand. His touch had been brief, but no less meaningful. His voice - that low, deep timbre she had come to associate with a sense of security - had washed over her, telling her she had showed him kindness first. He was only returning her compassion.

Hermione knew there was more to him than that, though. He felt empathy for her. He knew of the sacrifices she had made, and he felt her pain. In that moment, standing there with her hand clasped in his, she had felt something bloom inside her. Something she had been doing her damnedest to ignore over the last few days. Something that, if she allowed it to grow, could consequently come back to hurt her more than everything else she had been through in her life thus far.

But it was too late. She had already opened her heart to him more than she should have ever allowed herself to. And she knew Harry saw it on her face when she finally looked up at him again. There was no hiding it anymore.

She was falling in love with Severus Snape.

~S~

"Hermione?" Harry asked.

"I'm sorry," she said with a shake of her head. "What did you say?"

"Do you have feelings for him?"

He knew before he even asked it a second time what her answer was. It was clear on her face. Harry didn't want to believe it was possible, but there was nothing to be done about it. He couldn't tell Hermione she was wrong. You can't exactly choose who you fall in love with and when.

"Just...be careful." He offered, hoping he didn't sound too much like a mother hen. He was more worried about her getting hurt emotionally than anything else. After today he felt confident that Snape would never hurt her physically. But he knew the man was still in love with his mother. There was no telling right now how those lingering feelings would affect a future relationship between him and Hermione. His worst fear was that she would have her heart broken by the older wizard, and without him ever knowing how she felt.

Hermione simply nodded and laid back down. He helped her get comfortable and fixed the blanket over her. "Send me an owl if you need anything." She nodded again in response to his offer. He left after that, thankfully not running into Snape as he exited Grimmauld Place.

Harry apparated to the Burrow and walked across the front lawn toward the teetering house. Ginny was in the front garden gathering herbs and trying to chase away a few gnomes with stinging hexes. "That will never work." He told her as he approached.

"I don't really feel like doing it properly right now. It's not why I came out here." She retorted. "How's Hermione? Ron told me what happened when he got back."

"She's all right." Harry stated as he sat down on the front steps. Ginny sat beside him, fiddling with the bouquet of rosemary and sage in her hands. Harry tipped his face back to let the afternoon sun warm him for a moment and felt Ginny slip her arm through his.

"I hate to see them both hurting." She said quietly.

"I do, too. But what can we do right now? He won't listen to her and she won't tell Snape to leave. At least not if he has nowhere else to go. She's grown attached to him."

"Hermione?" Ginny asked, her tone incredulous. "Attached to Snape? _Professor_ Snape?"

"Yes." Harry started, and then looked around for a moment to make sure they were alone.

"Don't worry, the boys are up at the orchard and mum and dad went into town for a bit. It's just you and me here right now." Ginny assured him, picking up on his hesitancy.

A few ideas flashed across Harry's mind about what he and Ginny could do inside an empty house for once, but he would entertain those in a little while. For now, he needed to talk. He needed to hear Ginny's opinion on the matter at hand.

"She's…falling in love with him. I know, I can't believe it either." Harry said as he watched his girlfriend take in this news.

"No, I believe it. It's Hermione, and she couldn't think bad of someone if she tried. It's very Hufflepuff of her. I just…I thought she and Ron…"

"Wait. How can you believe it?" Harry questioned, turning to face Ginny now. "I'm sorry, I don't mean to interrupt, Gin, but…Hermione and Snape? That makes sense to you?"

"A little." Ginny shrugged. "I mean, if you look at it from a blood status perspective, not that that matters. But he's a half-blood and she's muggle born. His own father was a muggle that his mother chose to marry and have a child with. So, a certain acceptance of muggle blood must be in his heart somewhere. He loved _your_ mother despite her blood status." "

"I never said he was falling in love with Hermione in return."

"Let me finish." Ginny poked him in the ribs to make him shut up. He yelped quietly, but closed his mouth so she could continue. "You asked me if Snape and Hermione together makes sense. I'm trying to explain my view to you. So, let's say for argument sake that he does fall in love with her. They're actually well matched. They're both intelligent, exceedingly so. They're both determined, patient…"

"Snape is not patient."

"Harry, if what you saw in the Penseive was true, then he would have to have the patience of a saint to endure what he did for all those years."

Harry considered this. She had a point. He nodded to let her know she could go on. "As I was saying, they're both determined, patient, brave, understanding, and caring. I could see a relationship working out between them. But it would take a bloody long time for Snape."

"He's still in love with my mum."

"That's part of it. I don't think he'll ever stop being in love with your mum."

"Me either, and that's what I'm most afraid of for Hermione. That he's going to break her heart in the end and not even realize it. Do you know what that would do to her?"

Ginny nodded. "I do actually. While I was too young at the time to truly understand my own feelings, I assume it would be something similar to how I felt when you first started noticing Cho Chang and not me."

Harry felt a pang in his chest. He thought he had fallen in love with the girl a year ahead of him, but as Ginny put it, he must have been too young at the time to understand that what he was actually feeling was lust. To him Cho had been merely pretty, but Ginny was beautiful.

"How did that feel?"

"Terrible. Not quite as bad as a Dementor makes you feel, but at times it did seem as though I would never be happy again unless you looked at me."

"I'm looking at you now."

Ginny giggled and kissed his cheek. "You are, and you had better stop looking at me that way. We aren't done with this conversation yet. Or are we?"

Harry sighed. "I suppose so. At least for now. I can't really do anything to stop her. It's not like I'm there every day. And how pitiful would it sound for me to tell her _not_ to love Snape?"

"About as pitiful as it was for mom to tell Bill _not_ to love Fleur. It was already done when she opened her mouth the first time. Same for Hermione. If you say she's _falling_ in love with Snape, then she's already _in_ love with Snape. She just won't admit it to herself yet."

Harry looked at his girlfriend again, knowing there was worry etched on his face. "Do you think there's anything we can do?"

"Be there to catch her if she falls." Ginny said seriously. "It's all we can do. That and hope for the best for them both."

Harry nodded. He hoped it wouldn't come to the former. He would hate to see Hermione go through that. But only time would tell right now.

"What about Ron?" He asked. He had been avoiding talking to Ginny about her brother. He didn't know where her loyalties would land and he was afraid of causing a fissure between them, especially since they had only just gotten back together.

"I'm annoyed that he won't hear Hermione out without jumping to conclusions. But I get where he's coming from. Fred was my brother too. But I know that Snape wasn't responsible for his death. I believe Ron is lashing out at him directly because he's the closest target associated with the cause of Fred's death. I can't speak for his own personal feelings, but I'm sure deep down he believes everything you've told him, Harry. He just hasn't gotten over the shock of it all yet. The battle I mean, and the ten months you all spent away from everyone. He's not used to being away from his family for that long. And then to come back and lose a part of it. And not just Fred, but Remus and Tonks, too."

"That's the first explanation anyone has had that makes any sense." Harry told her. He wrapped an arm around her shoulders and hugged her to his side. "I hope he comes to his senses soon."

"So do I. I miss my brother. And right now I feel like I can't reach him."

Harry leaned over and kissed her forehead. "I feel the same way, Ginny. I want my friend back."

Ginny sighed happily and gazed out across the front lawn. She then sat upright trying not to look guilty. Harry was confused for a moment but then followed Ginny's eyes to where her parents were waving from the front gate, obviously just having apparated back to the Burrow. Harry sighed heavily to himself. His fantasies from before would just have to wait now.


	7. One Day Too Late

Disclaimer: See Chapter 1

 **Note: Original character of my own is introduced below. Prudence Bowery. All references to HP concerning character belong to JKR, I only came up with the name and how to incorporate her.**

 _Tick tock hear my life pass by_  
 _I can't erase and I can't rewind_  
 _Of all the things I regret the most I do_  
 _Wish I'd spent more time with you_

\- Skillet

* * *

Chapter 7

Hermione lay in her bed alone, Harry having left only minutes before. She had been so lost in her thoughts about Severus that she had not heard his question when he asked her and requested that he repeat it. Hermione knew when she looked up at him that he saw the truth in her eyes. She didn't need to say anything. Harry had let out a breath and leaned in to kiss her forehead. "Just … be careful," he warned her, not patronizingly, but as a friend.

Hermione had nodded and proceeded to lay back down, curling up against one of her pillows. She turned away from the door lying on her wounded shoulder. It ached with suppressed pain but her mind, chaotic with the emotions of her recent epiphany, blocked it out. She lay there and let her thoughts run rampant inside her head.

What the bloody hell was she thinking?

How could she possibly love him?

When had she even allowed her mind to entertain the idea?

There was no way things could ever work out between them. Severus was almost fully recovered and then he would be free to leave and go about his life. Why would he ever want to stay here with her? What could she possibly offer him that he couldn't find somewhere else? The thought of him going off into the world and living his life the way he wanted made her happy. He deserved that freedom. Then she imagined him finding someone he wanted to share his life with … and it wasn't her.

The contentment that had bloomed inside her suddenly turned dark and she felt hot tears roll down her face. She berated herself for feeling this way. There was no reason to dread his eventual departure. She doubted he even felt the same way about her. The thought hit her in the chest like a stinging hex and her heart clenched as more tears fell to her pillow.

Lost in her own mind, Hermione didn't hear the door open. Nor was she aware of Severus's presence until his arms were around her holding her against his body. Hermione tensed at first wanting to pull away from his touch, but he must have felt the flight instinct and held her tighter. She covered her face with her hand so he couldn't see her cry. It was degrading enough that he had to hear it and she refused to let him see her this weak. To admit that he had turned her world upside down.

Hermione let her tears flow freely, her body convulsing with sobs. She cried as though she were purging something from within. Never in her life had she allowed herself to break down so completely, let alone in the presence of someone else. The last person to see her cry in any way similar to this had been Harry. At the time it had been over her epiphany about Ron when she first realized that seeing him with another girl made her heart ache in the same way that it did now.

The memory brought on a fresh wave of tears and she clutched her pillow tightly to her chest feeling Severus's arms grow a little tighter around her. Hermione turned her face deeper into her pillow in order to muffle her sobs. She cried until there were no tears left and she was dragging long, harsh breaths into her lungs. When her body decided that it had finally had enough she lay there in silence letting Severus run his fingers through her hair. She committed the feeling to memory knowing it may be the only time he touched her this way. He moved his hand down her arm until he reached her own and linked their fingers, squeezing gently. Hermione closed her eyes and allowed herself to absorb the moment. She may never have it again.

She let out a breath as she opened her eyes and felt Severus's hand on her waist attempting to roll her over. She discreetly wiped her eyes on a corner of the pillowcase then allowed him to shift her. Once she was facing him he took her hand once more and held it between them. They didn't say anything at first, both of them opting to lay there in silence. Hermione couldn't look him in the eye. She knew her face must be a mess. But more than that, she was embarrassed.

She didn't want Severus to feel the need to cater to her emotions and felt guilty he had found it necessary to stay when he discovered her crying. Hermione wished he had left her in peace. At the same time she was profoundly grateful that he had remained. The conflicting emotions left her confused about how she truly felt about him. She had already admitted to herself that she was falling in love with him, but she also couldn't bear the thought of it. It was impossible. Something that should never have happened.

Hermione felt her chin being lifted and then she was looking into his eyes. Even in the dim light she could see the worry etched on Severus's face. She felt even worse for being the cause of it.

"I'm sorry. You shouldn't have to witness this. Or deal with it."

"You have nothing to apologize for. You can not change the minds of others that do not want to be changed. Mr. Weasley has made his choice and you have made yours."

"What choice have I made? Other than to turn into a stupid, blubbering, silly little girl?" She felt fresh tears prickle in her eyes knowing it was what her former professor would have called her years ago had she ever broken down like this in one of his classes.

Severus reached up and wiped away her tears. "You are not a silly girl, Hermione. You have endured much in your life. Not all of it good. Constancies that you have known for many years have shifted, and your life will never return to the way it once was. Your mind is attempting to cope with changes it does not want to realize. You are bound to feel emotional. There is no fault in that."

"But what choice have I made?" she asked again. In the back of her mind a tiny fear flickered that he may have realized how she truly felt about him now. She did not know if she was ready for him to be aware of this.

"To be fair, impartial, and benevolent."

He was speaking of the time she had spent healing him. She had looked past everything he had done and focused only on what he needed. And what he had needed was compassion, understanding, and friendship. And she had given him those things.

Now he was returning them.

"Thank you, Severus."

He did not respond, only held her tighter. Then he leaned in and kissed her forehead, his lips as soft as they had been the other night when he kissed the back of her hand. Hermione tried to not let his touch consume her. She failed miserably. Voldemort could have returned in that very moment and destroyed the world around them, and she would have never noticed.

~S~

Severus woke first in the morning, a feeling of restfulness coming over him. He had not slept so soundly in weeks. Not after the night Hermione had last stayed with him. When he opened his eyes he was not surprised to see the reason for his exceptional reprieve was the same. Hermione Granger lay beside him. His arm was still draped over her. The same tranquil expression was on her face now that had been there when she slept at his bedside in the hospital. He had felt guilty then and he felt even worse now when he remembered the events of the previous day. She had been tormented by what had happened with Ronald Weasley.

Even if it had not affected her so, one did not take a hit from that curse like she had and not feel broken by it in one way or another. It was unfair. Fresh guilt washed over him for ever having invented the spell in the first place. It had caused much damage in recent years. And before Potter had attacked Draco Malfoy with it he had not given it a thought since his own school days.

Severus pulled his arm back from around her waist and reached out to brush some hair from Hermione's forehead. His let his fingers reach out and cup her jaw his thumb slowly stroking across her cheek. Her eyes blinked open and she greeted him wordlessly with a soft smile. He returned it, forgoing any words himself. Hermione shifted a little beside him, but he continued to stroke her cheek. She closed her eyes and turned her head into his hand sighing contently.

The sound echoed in his chest and he felt his heart swell slightly. She enjoyed his touch. Seemed to crave it even. When had this changed and why hadn't he noticed it before? He moved his hand up to stroke through her hair and brush it behind her ear. Hermione shifted again making herself comfortable, but made no move to push him off. She settled against him, her mind serene in his presence.

Her manner took him aback giving him something to think about. But not right now. He would save those thoughts for later.

"How are you feeling?" he asked.

"Better. I'm sorry you had to see that yesterday. You didn't have to stay with me."

"You've stayed with me when I needed it. Even when I couldn't ask for it, you just knew."

"Perhaps I have some skill in Legilimency."

Snape smiled inwardly to himself. The young witch may very well be capable of the skill, and that of Occlumency, if properly trained. But as to her employing the former on him recently, he doubted that was the case.

"I do not think so. At least in that respect. You are merely very empathetic to the needs of others, and there is nothing wrong with that. Do you want to talk about yesterday?" he asked.

"What is there to talk about? Ron showed up, though I have to admit I wasn't expecting him to. He spouted his normal nonsense. And then…"

"Cursed you," Severus stated bluntly for her.

Hermione narrowed her eyes. "He wasn't aiming for me, Severus."

"I know. Why did you jump in front of me while I was blocking him?"

"Like I told Harry yesterday, you're still not strong enough to take a hit like that."

"And you don't think I'm capable of protecting myself?"

"I … of course you are."

"Then why not let me block the curse as I intended to?"

Hermione huffed quietly in annoyance and rolled over away from him. She sat up and swung her legs over the side of the bed. "I'm sorry I bothered."

Severus sat up as well. The conversation had gone from a friendly query to a spat in a matter of moments. He had been happy to wake up beside her this morning, but now he just felt uncomfortable being in the same room with her. He got up from the bed thinking it best to give her more space.

"I don't mean to sound ungrateful, Hermione. I was merely curious as to your motives."

He watched her take a deep breath and let it out slowly. Very slowly. "I did it because…" she started, and then turned sideways to look at him, "I did it because that's what friends do. They protect each other."

"You consider me your friend?" His mind wasn't so sure about the idea. He had considered this before, weeks ago, but had not given it any more thought since then. To him she was more of a companion.

"I do, Severus. Do you consider me to be a friend?"

He let his mind linger over the word for a few moments, not wanting to take too long before answering lest she deem it a reason to break down in tears again. _That_ he would consider silly. But as to regarding her as a friend… Perhaps not so silly.

"I suppose so, Hermione."

She offered him a small, triumphant smile.

 _Well, there's one wall she's successfully broken down_ , his mind told him. And he knew that if he was going to move forward with his life he needed some of those walls to come down. He just didn't know how he felt about Hermione Granger being the one to find the cracks.

~S~

Hermione returned to St. Mungo's the following afternoon to resume her apprenticeship leaving Severus alone at Grimmauled Place for the first time. It had been almost eight weeks since his near death and he felt more alive now than ever before in his life. That morning before she had left Hermione removed the bandages from his neck and was very pleased to tell him the wounds were finally closed, and sooner than she had expected. There were going to be several scars but he didn't care about that. Scars were nothing new for him. He was glad because she was glad, and also that he would not have to endure the bandages any longer.

Over the following weeks he began to put some thought into his intentions now that he would be free to go about his life. He wasn't overly eager to leave right away. Severus had grown comfortable staying at Grimmauld Place with Hermione and it would not be much of a stretch for him to continue on in the same fashion. He enjoyed her company and found her presence soothing whenever his mind became troubled or agitated. She had a calming aura about her, even when she was agitated herself. It amused him to watch her grow flustered over an uncooperative potion she was practicing and begin cursing at it like it would change the outcome.

There had been a point early on in his career as Potions Master at Hogwarts when he had felt the same way about his students. However, he had learned after the first year of wasting unnecessary energy that you could only swear at a group of immature teenagers for so long. And it still wasn't going to earn their respect. So he had begun a campaign of intimidation. From the first day of term to the last his students remained in line and regarded him with deference.

Was that what he really wanted to go back to, though? And even if he did he would not be returning to the post of Potions Master. Horace Slughorn had agreed to remain on for at least another year in order for things to settle before returning to his quiet retirement. So Severus would have to resume his previous position as Defense Professor because he certainly did not want to take over as Headmaster again. That position had merely been for show. He had never truly wanted it. Minerva McGonagall was a much better candidate and would serve in the post as well as, if not better than, Dumbledore.

There had been times when the late Headmaster had allowed too many things to get in the way of his job, putting others at risk unnecessarily. He had allowed his head to rule his heart, and while in the end all of his intentions had been for the good of the wizarding world, too many souls had been lost because of his sometimes poor judgment.

Minerva would never allow for such a thing. She cared too much for the school and for its students to ever put any of them in danger who did not want to willingly face it. She had too much respect for the position to ever abuse it in the same way that Albus had. While Severus hated to think of his late friend that way there was no denying that in the last few years of his life, Albus Dumbledore had made some of the worst decisions to ever cross his brilliant mind.

But Severus put that all aside now. It was in the past and there was no changing it. Dumbledore had chosen to die by Severus's wand. Even if he hadn't asked it of Severus, he would have died eventually from the curse sustained in destroying the Horcrux rendered from the Gaunt family ring.

Severus looked over the half dozen letters he had received from Hogwarts throughout the course of the month thus far. Three of them alone were from Minerva, who had been appointed as Headmistress at the beginning of July four weeks ago. The others were from some of his fellow professors, people he had not necessarily been close to but had gotten along with well enough. They were eager to see him come back, hoping he chose to return. Hogwarts needed a professor like him.

Severus snorted as he read over the last letter from Minerva. She once more expressed her sympathies for what had happened to him and was glad to know he had made a full recovery. She continued to extend the post of Professor of Defense to him and wanted him to know she did not hold him responsible for the events which occurred on the night of May 2nd. She did not, however, apologize for her emotional attack on him in the Great Hall after Potter had stepped out and revealed to all present that Severus had been the one to kill Dumbledore. Given that Potter had not yet discovered the truth behind that terrible night on the astronomy tower, his rage, and by extension Minerva's, had been well deserved. He would not have expected an apology for her actions that night. Nor, he thought, did she believe she actually owed him one.

He returned to the letter, reading on that she hoped he would consider the offer and advised that she needed to hear back on his decision no later than the first week of August in order to give her ample time to find a suitable replacement should he decline. Severus glanced to the day's edition of the _Prophet_ lying open on the table where Hermione left it after breakfast. According to the date it was July 31st. Something stirred in his memory when he thought about the date, but he could not pinpoint what it was. Putting it aside, he determined he still had a few days to make a final decision. But he knew in his heart that he was going to have to disappoint Minerva.

At least for this year.

Maybe after some time had passed he would feel comfortable enough to return. But after everything that had happened, returning to the castle which held so many memories for him-both wonderful and painful-he knew now was not the time. Severus gathered all the letters into a bundle and walked over to the fire tossing them in. He would write to Minerva later this evening with his unfortunate decline. She would not be pleased, and he knew it would cause her undo pressure, but he just couldn't go back there.

Not yet.

~S~

Hermione stepped back into her apprenticeship as though no time had passed. After six weeks of caring for Severus she was pleased that the wounds on his neck had finally healed. Though whether there was still venom lingering in his blood, they would not know unless he had a reaction to it.

When she had first started Hermione was given tasks appropriate to her position. However, in her time at Grimmauld Place, three Healers and a Head Potioneer had resigned. All had learned of losses in their families and departed in order to be with them. This left the current staff stretched very thin and Hermione was given new tasks and responsibilities she had not performed before.

She didn't mind the new work at all as she always preferred to be busy rather than stagnant. But as her first few weeks back went by she began to realize Severus had been right. The work was interesting and she learnt many new skills, but it was repetitive and she often wished for more.

In her fourth week back Hermione found herself sitting in the basement staff room on her break. She had brought along a book on advanced defensive spellwork and was eagerly consuming it as she sipped her tea. The sound of approaching footsteps made her look up momentarily as the Healer-in-Charge and Head Potioneer for the second floor ward that night walked in.

"There's just not enough coverage, Prudence. Four wards cannot be managed by two Head Potioneers and a dozen Healers," Hippocrates Smethwyck was saying. He sat down at one of the small tables in the corner with Madame Bowery and conjured a pot of tea with two cups.

"You're absolutely right. We need more help. You can bring in new Healers easily, though. We have at least four ready for certification now and two more trainees coming in next week." Hermione watched Madame Bowery sip her tea out of the corner of her eye.

Smethwyck cradled his forehead in his hand. "Yes. I am not so much concerned with bringing in Healers. What worries me now is finding individuals out there with the qualifications to be a Head Potioneer. There should be one for each ward overseeing two Junior Potioneers and the one apprentice we have right now. And you rotate every week."

Madame Bowery nodded, pouring herself another cup. Hermione saw her glance up and quickly returned her eyes to her book. "Hermione, come sit with us a moment." She invited.

Slightly taken aback, Hermione shut her book and vanished her teapot and cup before crossing the room. Smethwyck conjured her a new cup as she sat down, and she thanked him quietly as he poured for her.

"How is Severus faring?" Madame Bowery asked her.

"Very well. He's been making good use of the potions stores I built up, and I know he's had letters from Hogwarts. Though, I get the feeling he will not be returning there."

"Has he considered St. Mungo's?" Smethwyck asked.

Hermione shrugged. "I honestly don't know. But I could ask him. I'm sure he would be interested at the very least."

"We could certainly use his skills," Madame Bowery stated.

Hermione sipped her tea thoughtfully. "I'll mention it."

She returned to her shift, thinking deeply about the conversation she had had and played out some likely conversations in her mind of how Severus would take the suggestion of coming to work for St. Mungo's. She knew from personal experience just how accomplished he was, and if Madame Bowery considered him skilled then she certainly considered him capable of the position.

~S~

Harry was finishing up clearing his desk for the night when a tap on his cubicle made him look up. Ron was standing there waiting to go. They were stopping by the Leaky Cauldron for a drink before Harry headed over to Grimmauld Place. Today was his eighteenth birthday and Hermione had invited him to dinner. She had extended the invitation to Ron as well, but he had turned it down upon learning Snape was still staying at the house.

"I would be more than happy to go, but not with that git there. I don't even understand why he's still hanging around. He's better, right? He can leave." Ron moaned as they left the auror office and took the lift down to the Atrium.

"You're right, he can. But he chooses not to."

"So why doesn't Hermione just tell him to go?"

"Because he has nowhere else _to_ go. And it's not like anything is going on between them. She goes to her apprenticeship all day, and he holes up in the kitchen doing … whatever it is he's doing. Research, I think." Harry paused to exit the lift, "And you know Hermione wouldn't throw him out."

Ron muttered something behind him as he walked past the grate that sounded like, "Bloody bleeding heart of a woman," but Harry ignored it.

"I would like to try and have a nice evening." He said to his friend as they crossed the Atrium.

The previous Magic is Might monument that had stood at the far end was gone. In its place now stood a memorial to the Second Wizarding War, commemorating all of the lives that had been lost in the last few years as well as May 2nd. Harry stopped to look at it as he always did, remembering just how many souls had been claimed. Many of them were his own friends. Hundreds of names had been magically etched into the dark stone. Harry had taken the time to walk around the new monument and read every single one of them. He knew where Sirius, Fred, Remus, and Tonks were located without having to search for them anymore. Because they had been married at the time of their death, Remus and Nymphadora were listed side by side. Dumbledore's name was at the very top with his dates of birth and death.

Ron paused beside him and reached out to run his hand over his brother's name.

"Sorry, mate," he muttered to Harry. "You're right." He pulled his hand away and they began walking toward the gilded fireplaces. They queued behind a line of witches and wizards on the left waiting to depart. "I just don't understand."

"Then go talk to her, Ron." Harry pushed, growing frustrated with his friend's continued excuses and unwillingness to communicate with Hermione. "Put aside your differences and go talk to her. She's offered more than once to go with you somewhere so you wouldn't have to be at Grimmauld Place."

"I know." Ron murmured and sighed heavily, shoulders hunched in defeat.

"So you can only blame yourself if things never work out between you two again." Harry knew it sounded harsh, but it was the truth.

Despite saying it, however, he knew the two would never be as close as they once were. Friends maybe, but never closer than that again. It broke his heart a little to admit the reality of it. But Hermione had fallen in love with Snape, though he knew she had never intended for it to happen. Based on what he had seen in recent weeks when he stopped by, Snape clearly had feelings for her as well.

Harry knew some kind of relationship was bound to form between them. They had spent months living in close quarters. Mutual respect was the least that could have transpired on the positive side, utter loathing the worst. But Harry had never anticipated love. Hermione's feelings, he knew, were assured, but did Snape actually love her in return? If he didn't, and he broke Hermione's heart, Harry would have no qualms about cursing his former professor. But he had the feeling Snape did love Hermione. Or at the very least right now felt a deep affection for her.

Harry doubted that either had admitted the way they truly felt to the other. They were both too proud. Or too scared.

Ron didn't respond to his comment, only walked past him into the fireplace and disappeared among the green flames. Harry followed and walked out of the grate at the Leaky Cauldron a few moments later. Ron was waiting for him and they took seats at the bar. Ron ordered his usual firewhiskey, and Harry got a butterbeer.

"So let's say I write her back and she agrees to meet with me and talk," Ron started, sipping his drink then setting it down, "What do I do if she doesn't want to get back together?"

Harry winced a little at the question, but managed to cover it with a cough. "Considering how your last couple of conversations have gone, I would just take it slow with Hermione right now. She may not be too keen on jumping back into a relationship."

"That's the thing, though. We never really started a relationship. It ended before it began." Ron sipped his drink again, put the glass down once more, and rubbed his forehead for a moment. "You really believe nothing is going on between them?" he asked, looking sideways at Harry. "I mean, that's what Hermione has said in all of her letters that I've gotten. Or if there is, she avoids talking about it."

Harry turned in his seat to face his friend. "If you can't trust what she puts in a letter, how is a conversation going to go between the two of you? You'll go into it believing she's lying about everything she says."

Ron sighed heavily and tossed back the rest of his drink. "But how do I know she's not? You saw the two of them that day. The look on both their faces. She has feelings for him. You know she does."

Harry set his empty bottle down and tossed a few coins onto the bar. "Ron, if you're not willing to give her the benefit of the doubt right now and at least hear what she has to say, I don't know how any kind of relationship is ever going to work out between you two again."

"So this is all my fault, is it?" Ron snapped suddenly. "When you're the one who made her stay with him at St. Mungo's."

"I asked her to stay. I didn't force her to, Ron. She made the decision on her own. She has compassion. It had nothing to do with how she felt for Snape at the time."

"But you still asked her. Why did you have to ask her in the first place?"

Harry rubbed his own forehead now. "Ron, we've been through this so many times. I'm not doing it again. If you can't accept what Snape has done over the years to protect us and choose only to see his faults, then I can't help you. You need to let it go. I'm sorry Fred died. I'm sorry for what your family is going through right now. But as I've said in the past, carrying around all of this anger, this hate, is never going to help you heal."

"So I should just forget everything that happened that night. Forget everyone that died because of people like that bastard."

"No," Harry said firmly, fighting the urge to get up and just walk out. He didn't have patience for this anymore. Yes, it had only been about three months since the night of the battle, and it was going to take years to repair the damage that had been done, both physical and emotional. But Ron had not even begun to try. He wouldn't take that first step toward acceptance because he was stuck in the past, waiting for things to be as they were. But he needed to realize the world they knew was never going to come back.

"What then?" Ron argued.

"Look, just forget it. I need to go. I'll see you tomorrow. Be ready for testing on your hex defense." Harry gave his friend the last bit of advice because he knew Kingsley would be putting all of the new recruits through a battery tomorrow to test everyone's aptitude thus far.

Ron had been falling behind and Harry was afraid that his heart wasn't in it, that it never had been. He wanted his friend to succeed. Failing at something now would only harden him further, making it near impossible for him to overcome his grief if he didn't find a way to occupy his mind with something worthwhile.

He clapped his friend on the shoulder and walked off toward the door onto Charing Cross Road.


	8. Keep Holding On

Disclaimer: See Chapter 1

 _You're not alone_  
 _Together we stand_  
 _I'll be by your side_  
 _You know I'll take your hand_

\- Avril Lavigne

* * *

Chapter 8

Hermione returned from her day at St. Mungo's around the dinner hour, and she was not alone. She had brought Potter with her. Severus heard the two of them laughing in the hall as the front door opened and closed, and he felt his spirit lighten at the sound of her voice.

After sending his letter of decline off with the owl that delivered the Evening _Prophet_ , he had decided to try his hand at the potion Hermione had administered for the removal of venom from his blood. He had been experimenting recently with the list of potions she had been sent weeks ago to practice before she returned to her apprenticeship. Now having gone through them all at least four times over, he was ready to move on to something more stimulating.

Hermione's theory that inferior toxin could be forced from one's system by the introduction of a more potent one had been remarkable, and it had gotten him thinking. He wondered if different potions could be brewed for differing strengths of venom and their removal. Not all serpent bites were the same, nor would all react the same to known antidotes. Physical removal of toxin would depend on the severity of the bite, the potency of the venom, and how powerful the creature was magically.

Hermione and Potter walked into the kitchen as he was finishing his first attempt at the potion, a copy of the recipe in front of him marked up with his own notations and corrections. He had adjusted the overall brewing time, the number and direction of agitations following the addition of certain ingredients, and the quantity and volume of those ingredients. His only problem was that he did not have a test subject. He considered taking the potion himself for the sake of the research, but he wasn't entirely sure, should the potion be effective, how any remaining venom would purge itself from his body.

This was an inquest better left for another day.

Hermione entered the kitchen first as he was bottling up a sample of the potion and cleaning out the cauldron. Potter walked in just behind her and greeted him with a nod. Severus returned it and walked across the kitchen to store the potion in the hutch with the others he and Hermione had prepared together.

"I invited Harry over for dinner tonight to celebrate his birthday. I hope that's all right. I should have asked first."

Of course. No wonder the date on the _Prophet_ had struck a chord in his memory.

"Not at all. I have no right to deny you time with your friends." he stated to Hermione, and then turned to Harry. "And seeing as this is your house, you have every right to come by when you wish without invitation."

"Thank you for the confirmation." Harry replied, taking a seat. Hermione made a sound of laughter in her throat as she grabbed two butterbeers and handed one to Harry She clinked hers cheerfully against his and wished him a happy birthday.

"So, what's everyone in the mood for?" she asked as she sipped her drink.

"You're cooking?" Harry asked, looking horrified. Severus felt his brow furrow. Hermione's cooking was not all that bad.

"I have mastered several new spells for recipes that I found in magazines. I don't have to rely on twigs and mushrooms anymore."

"Thank Merlin for that," Potter said quietly, shuddering as he sipped his butterbeer.

Severus was thoroughly confused now. "Clearly I am missing the joke."

"Last year when we were hunting Horcruxes and living out of a tent, well technically a beaded handbag, Hermione attempted to feed us all with bits of twigs, leaves, and…other questionable foliage." Harry explained.

Severus quirked a brow. "I take it those attempts were…unsuccessful."

"Very," Hermione and Potter responded together.

"But I have improved. Severus will tell you. It's not so bad, is it?" Hermione turned to him, looking eager.

"I'm not sure my answer will provide any validation."

Hermione rolled her eyes. "Fine, you two fend for yourselves then."

Potter threw him a fearful look and then turned back to Hermione. "No, it's fine. You go ahead and cook. I won't object."

Hermione grinned brightly. "Excellent. Bouillabaisse?"

Hermione was successful in her endeavor, Severus decided, as she placed the large tureen down on the table. Steam rose from its surface in inviting, curling tendrils, filling the air with a warm and slightly peppery aroma. She ladled out bowls of the seafood stew first to Harry, then himself, and finally for her. She had also made a loaf of bread, and he tore off a sizable chunk before passing it.

Potter decided to make a show of sniffing the stew suspiciously before gingerly placing a spoonful in his mouth. Hermione reached over and punched his upper arm, causing the young man to choke and sputter.

"You deserve to gag on it for that." she chided him.

Severus sipped his first spoonful tentatively, only because it was hot and he was not keen on burning his mouth. He closed his eyes for a moment, savoring the broth and the little bit of shellfish he had scooped up.

"Is it actually terrible?" Hermione asked nervously, misreading his expression as one of distaste.

"No, dear," he answered quietly. And then he realized what he had said. Both Hermione and Potter were looking at him. Potter's expression was one of concern. Hermione's was confused, but her eyes shone with delight at his use of the endearment. "No," he corrected himself, clearing his throat. "It's fine."

Her face fell a little, but she offered him a small smile and they all ate in silence for a minute while the food was hot. Severus turned his initial response to her question over in his mind. Why had he responded that way? He had never used such terms before.

"Have you decided what it is you want to do, where you want to go?" Hermione asked, breaking him from his meditative trance. "Now that you can leave, I mean." She paused on the word 'leave', her voice hesitant and anxious. Was she worried he would go whenever he decided without so much as a 'goodbye' or 'thank you'?

Severus glanced at Potter seated across from him. The younger wizard was regarding him. He glanced out of the corner of his eye at Hermione, looking uneasy. Severus followed his gaze. Hermione was looking down into her bowl of stew, swirling the contents but no longer eating.

He cleared his throat again, attracting her attention. "I have thought about it." he stated.

"Will you return to Hogwarts?" Potter asked, his tone curious.

"That I will not be doing. The time is not right."

Potter nodded, understanding the meaning, Severus assumed.

"Have you ever considered applying for a position as Head Potioneer for St. Mungo's? They could certainly use someone with your skills," Hermione offered. "They don't have nearly as much staff as they need. There's normally supposed to be four Head Potioneers, and right now, there are only two. You would have the space and supplies you need to continue any kind of research you wanted to embark on, and you wouldn't even have to be there every day. Also, the pay is considerable and would be sufficient for you to go out and find a place of your own. If that's want you want to do, that is. You wouldn't need to stay here with me." She said all of this in a bit of a rush. Clearly she had put a little research into the position for him and wanted to present the finer details of the job.

But Severus heard the edge of pain in her voice at the end when she mentioned the possibility of him leaving Grimmauld Place once more. This was clearly something she had been thinking about for some time and had been avoiding discussing with him. He supposed having Potter there was like some kind of buffer for her. Someone else to take the reins in the conversation if words failed her.

Severus waved a hand in the air dismissively. "Money is not a concern for me. I have a well-endowed vault at Gringotts. Also, I have been putting some thought into my living arrangements, and if you are amenable to it I would like to stay here for the time being." He was speaking honestly. Severus had nowhere else to go, except back to his childhood home on Spinner's End in Cokeworth, and he would damn himself before he ever went back there.

Hermione beamed at him and her smile touched his heart, making it beat just a little bit faster. He had made her happy, profoundly happy. Simply by telling her that he wanted to stay right where he was. Why did that feel so good to him? And why was it so monumentally confusing?

"Have you decided whether or not you are going to stay at St. Mungo's?" he returned the question of intentions back to her, sipping another spoonful of stew.

Hermione shook her head. "I'm not. Normally an apprenticeship is supposed to last at least six months, and I have only been participating for twelve weeks. Granted, half of that time has been here. You were right. While I may possess several of the skills and morals that make a good Healer, I would never be happy with it as a career."

"What is your alternative?"

"Auror," she and Potter stated together. Obviously they had had at least one conversation about this already.

"I've spoken to Kingsley Shacklebolt, and he's agreed to come by next week and sit with Hermione to discuss the different levels of training and qualifications in order to become an Auror." Potter added.

"I'll have to sit my N.E.W.T.s and score at least five E's." Hermione dipped her bread into the remains of her broth and took a delicate bite, chewing and swallowing.

"Like that will be difficult for you." Potter teased, giving Hermione a playful shove with his elbow. She blushed prettily at his unspoken compliment and dropped her eyes to her bowl. Severus wished she hadn't since he enjoyed the warm color in her cheeks.

"But I can't go back to Hogwarts right now, it's just too painful," Hermione admitted.

Potter nodded. "Kingsley mentioned something about being able to take the exams at the Ministry if necessary so you're not waiting an entire year at school to sit them. You could probably take them with just a couple weeks of studying. You know more than any other student in our year."

Severus agreed with the young man internally. He turned back to Hermione. "An Auror is a good choice for you, Hermione," he stated, agreeing with her career decision, "I think you will be well challenged. Not in the sense that you would have any difficulty in handling the position, but rather that the work would be exciting and you will most likely never be bored."

"Definitely not." Potter agreed. "I just started hex training, and after that is training on the Memory charm, poisons and antidotes, and magical jurisprudence. And that's just the first year."

"You scored an E on your potions N.E.W.T.?" Severus asked, sounding less than convinced.

"I didn't take my N.E.W.T.s. Kingsley was willing to accept my O.W.L scores, which is satisfactory for entry into the training program."

"How very generous of him."

"I'm not returning to Hogwarts for another year just to take exams. And the office needs to replenish the number of Aurors now, so he's accepting everyone that applies. So long as he thinks they have the aptitude, that is. Kingsley will take on anyone that fought at Hogwarts and didn't change sides."

Severus exchanged a look with Hermione that said he may have to have words with Kingsley Shacklebolt when he came by.

~S~

Taking Hermione's advice, after putting a week's thought into it, Severus sent an application as well as a letter of interest into St. Mungo's for the position of a Head Potioneer. He knew in the past it normally took months for a response to come back, the hospital having a constant pool of candidates to choose from. And St. Mungo's only accepted the best. But as Hermione had told him they were considerably short-staffed, and so he was not as surprised as he ought to have been when an owl came back after another week had gone by with a return letter and invitation to come in and sit for an interview.

He thought the entire process to be redundant and a waste of time. He knew he had the skills and adequate years of experience. He knew of no one else currently that could successfully brew the Wolfsbane potion to have the desired effect on the afflicted drinker. Also, before becoming Potions Master at Hogwarts he had spent his teen years during the summer holidays working as an apprentice in the apothecary shop in Diagon Alley. He would have sent an owl asking for a letter of recommendation, but thought it unnecessary. He had put that information on the application and if they needed to reach out for further clarification on his proficiencies, they would.

He spent the intervening time working on his research into the potion for venom removal and writing up drafts of modifications that could serve to treat bites from varying species of serpents. As he delved further into his exploration, he realized that the theory itself of magical removal of toxin from one's blood could be applied to more than just serpent bites. Any injury resulting from the injection of toxin could potentially be treated in this way. It opened up a whole new door in his mind, and he threw himself into the work determined to produce results.

Hermione sat with him often, typically in silence as she studied for her upcoming N.E.W.T.s. She had left her apprenticeship at St. Mungo's to devote the required time she would need to prepare adequately. She attacked her studies now as she had always done in all her years at Hogwarts: with unabashed zeal. They would remain awake for hours together in the kitchen, half of which had been converted into a makeshift potions laboratory, huddled at different sides of the table while going about their separate work. When they finished for the evening, Hermione would make tea and they would discuss theory and postulations well past midnight.

Severus had not enjoyed such tête-à-têtes as this since his time as a professor, when he would sit in the teachers' lounge and be able to have debates with his fellow colleagues. He was not at all surprised that Hermione could keep up with the pace of their conversations, often contributing bits of information and conjectures that impressed him. Her breadth of magical knowledge and understanding of complex spellwork was astounding. She was as accomplished at her age, if not more so, as he had been.

One evening, the conversation turned to his skills in both Occlumency and Legilimency, and Hermione asked if he was still suffering from nightmares. He had been working on honing his skill once more in the former, and as a result, he suffered less from his nightmares, though they still occurred on occasion.

"I don't mean to bring up a topic I know you're uncomfortable with, but I ask because I've noticed in the past several weeks that you don't toss and turn as much at night," Hermione explained, sipping her tea. They sat on the same side of the table, chairs pulled sideways so they could face each other, only a few feet between them. Hermione sat comfortably, leaning back with one leg crossed over the other, her hands resting in her lap when they were not engaged with her cup.

"The frequency is lessening. But I will admit they do still occur occasionally and are no less potent in their content."

"Have you regained your former skill in Occulmency?"

"Not entirely. Not where I would like it to be. It will take some time to return. Although, I must admit, it will be nice to not have to exercise it on a constant basis. It became … exhausting at times, having to conceal my mind at all hours."

Hermione leaned one elbow onto the table, cradling her head in her hand. "I can imagine. No wonder you were always so grumpy."

Severus sipped his tea and smiled at her over the rim of the cup. "Am I not still?"

Hermione regarded him for a moment, her eyes narrowing in mock assessment. "From time to time I suppose. I find it amusing when you start grumbling at whatever cauldron in which you're concocting, as though the vessel itself is personally responsible for the failed brew inside."

"It is responsible," Severus replied dryly.

"Of course, because in this world, there is no chance that you, Severus Snape, Potions Master, could ever make the mistake of stirring in the wrong direction or adding the wrong amount of a certain ingredient. No matter how infinitesimal it may have been."

She was teasing him now. Openly, in fact. And he found that he enjoyed it. She had quite the cutting tongue when she wanted to. But for now she was merely being cheeky.

"And there is no chance that you, Miss. Granger, could ever mispronounce a spell or execute an incorrect wand movement?" he quipped back with the quirk of an eyebrow.

"Of course there is, but I don't go around accusing inanimate objects of being responsible for my faults."

Severus laughed quietly to himself and finished the last of his tea. He felt pleasantly tired, ready for a night's reprieve. Hermione yawned as she sat up and began to organize her work into neat piles. Her exams were scheduled for the following morning at the Ministry, and she would be gone until early in the afternoon. Kingsley had arranged for her exams to be graded as quickly as possible in order for her to start training right away. Within twenty-four hours if it could be done.

Severus had intended on visiting Diagon Alley tomorrow in order to finally replace his wand. If he was offered the position of Head Potioneer by St. Mungo's, he was going to need one. Hermione would require hers for Auror training. There was not a doubt in his mind that she would be accepted into the program.

He stood up first and fixed his chair so that it was pushed in against the table properly. He turned to face Hermione and found her still tidying up her books. There were light circles under her eyes, and she appeared to be moving as though each book she stacked was done with tremendous effort. He reached over and placed the last book onto her pile and then offered her his hand.

Hermione smiled up at him sheepishly, taking it and thanking him. She was clearly exhausted from having spent the last two weeks preparing late into the night and surviving off little sleep. He held her hand until she was steady on her feet, then fixed her chair against the table as well. But what surprised him was that after that they left the kitchen together, their hands still clasped.

They remained that way as he and Hermione climbed the stairs together. Once in the upstairs hallway, they paused outside his door and she leaned up on her toes to kiss his cheek, then wished him a good night. She let go first and walked down to her door. He stood at his, watching her and returned the wave she gave him before she disappeared. Severus stood there outside his door for several minutes, staring at hers, his hand touching his cheek where she had kissed him and wondering why it burned so pleasantly.

~S~

The following afternoon, Severus followed Hermione through the fireplace in the kitchen to the Leaky Cauldron, appearing in a burst of flame out of the grate in the corner of the pub. He watched a few heads turn to see who had arrived, eyes widening as people recognized him. Or perhaps it was shock at seeing him arrive with Hermione Granger, or vice versa. Not that he cared either way.

Hermione took his hand and led him through the pub. He would have been lying to himself if he thought her touch didn't affect him. It sent a jolt through his body that he couldn't ignore. He would have to process that reaction later. As soon as they were outside Hermione let go of his hand. Severus found that he mourned the loss, which surprised him. When had he begun to enjoy her touch as she enjoyed his?

Hermione pulled her wand out and tapped the bricks on the wall in front of them in the specific pattern to open the gateway into Diagon Alley, which they then stepped through.

"Where to?" she asked, looking around and taking in the familiar sight of the bustle around them. It was the end of August now, and Hogwarts students were beginning to frequent most of the shops to purchase text books and stock up on supplies for the school year that would start in just a week's time. Hermione smiled brightly as she looked around, clearly having missed this place. He couldn't help but smile to himself as he watched her.

"Gringotts. There is something I would like to take care of first."

They walked along toward the snow white building at the end of the alley, side by side, and made conversation as they commented on the wares being offered in the windows of each shop they passed. Severus made a mental note to visit the potions supply shop as well as the apothecary.

Once inside Gringotts, Severus walked up to the first free goblin he spotted.

"So what do you have to take care of besides withdrawing some gold?" Hermione asked.

"I would like to add you as an authorized individual on my vault. That way we can both withdraw whenever necessary for supplies or whatever else may be needed."

Hermione stopped midstride beside him, clearly taken aback. "Oh. Um … thank you, Severus." She began walking next to him again and stopped when they reached the counter.

"I thought it might be helpful seeing as we are living together at the present time, and I do not make as much of a contribution as I wish to."

"You do plenty, Severus. But thank you again. This will certainly make things easier."

"I'm glad you accept. I thought it would take more force on my part to persuade you."

"You would never force me." Hermione teased.

But he looked at her seriously and watched as her expression changed to one of wary. "Never," he swore. Hermione's face relaxed. "Not for anything or any reason." She offered him a small smile in gratitude, and he felt her fingers slip into his momentarily and squeeze before letting go.

Forty minutes or so later, they were walking back out of the gold and silver doors and into the bright sunlight of late summer. They stopped first at Ollivander's. Severus was secretly looking forward to this visit. He had not been inside this shop since he was eleven and purchased his first wand that he had had for the next twenty-seven years. It had served him well, and he missed it like a lost friend. But all good things must end, and it was now time for him to choose a new wand. Or rather, for a new wand to choose him.

The bell above the door tinkled merrily as he and Hermione walked in. She looked around for a moment, then wandered off to explore a collection of wands on display in the front corner of the shop, which were being advertised for their strength in defensive spellwork.

Severus turned when he heard footsteps on the creaky stairs that led to the upper level of the shop. Garrick Ollivander came down at a slow pace, obviously weakened from the time he had spent imprisoned by Voldemort. He had cut his hair to its former short length, and his eyes twinkled as he took in the customers before him.

"Severus, I thought I would never see you in my shop again," he stated in his dry, wearied voice. "To what do I owe this pleasure?" Ollivander greeted him warmly, shaking his hand.

"I must replace an old friend, Garrick," Severus answered. "The previous has been lost."

"Of course. Come with me and we'll get you sorted." Ollivander turned and took notice of Hermione examining a wand and giving it a small flourish as she muttered, " _Expecto Patronum_." Wisps of blue light emitted from the wand, followed by an otter that bounced and swam happily in the air in front of her. Clearly the wand enjoyed her touch.

"Eleven and three-quarter inches, made of yew and unicorn hair, Miss. Granger. But as I recall, you are already in possession of a very fine wand. Ten and three-quarter inches, vine and dragon heartstring."

Hermione's patronus disappeared as her concentration was broken. "Indeed. But I have been thinking of purchasing a secondary wand. I plan on going into Auror training."

Ollivander nodded, giving her a knowing smile. "You have chosen wisely." Whether he was referring to the wand in Hermione's hand, or her choice of career, Severus did not know. Ollivander may have even been speaking to the wand itself, as his eyes returned to the instrument in Hermione's hand.

He cast one last look at her, then led Severus around the counter to the back of the shop. The front was still visible so he could see Hermione continuing to examine other wands, flicking her wrist to cast different spells, testing reactions to her magic. She looked up and noticed him watching her. She gave him a small smile and continued on with the current wand in her hand.

"She is exceptionally gifted for a witch so young," Ollivander commented as he began pulling down long, thin boxes from some of the shelves.

"The brightest witch of her age," Severus responded in agreement.

"And quite taken with one of the cleverest wizards I have had the honor of selling a wand to." Ollivander approached him, holding out a box. "Walnut and unicorn hair, twelve inches."

Severus eyed the older gentleman, still stuck on his comment about the clever wizard Hermione was taken with. Surely the wand-maker was not referring to him. He picked up the wand and gave it a wave. The lamp in the far corner went out with a _pop,_ and the glass cover exploded.

"Clearly not." Severus placed the wand back in its box.

"Oak and phoenix tail feather, ten and a half inches," Ollivander offered him next.

Severus picked it up and gave a casual flick. The small table Ollivander had arranged his selections on was knocked to its side, and the boxes spilled across the floor, wands skittering in all directions. Ollivander pulled out his own wand and waved it in the air, cleaning up the mess and returning the wands to their proper boxes.

"Cherry and dragon heartstring, eleven and a half inches."

This, too, was a failure for Severus. And so were the next dozen as Ollivander continued to hand him wand after wand. Severus was growing frustrated as a full thirty minutes had passed now, and he was nowhere closer to a new wand than he had been when he first walked in the door to the shop.

"What about this?" Hermione's voice asked from the doorway. "I'm sorry, I don't mean to interrupt, but it was on display and for some reason when I saw it, it just reminded me of you." She looked at him, open box in her hand. Inside, nestled amongst the delicate folds of fabric, was a black wand similar to the previous one he had owned. The handle was carved with a beautiful and delicate feathering pattern.

"Cypress and phoenix tail feather, thirteen inches," Ollivander stated, identifying his work.

Severus walked over to Hermione, holding her gaze. He reached for the wand, his left hand covering her right where she held the box out to him, and he picked up the wand in his dominant hand. He knew the moment he touched it that this was the one. It warmed in his palm, and a brilliant orange and purple light flowed from the tip engulfing him and Hermione in its glow.

"Wonderful!" Ollivander exclaimed, clapping his hands together. "Come back to the front and I'll wrap it for you." He walked past the two of them and out of the back room.

Severus stood there holding Hermione's eyes with his own, his hand still covering hers where she held the wand box. "Thank you," he murmured, then leaned down and kissed her cheek, not missing the way she trembled lightly under his touch. It thrilled him that she was affected this way, but also confused him. He pulled back to see that she had closed her eyes, and was now opening them slowly, almost as though she were inebriated.

"Of … of course," she whispered. Hermione seemed to come to her senses after that and handed him the box. "Here, you'll need this."

"I'd rather keep it on my person from here on out." Severus slipped the wand up his left sleeve to test the feel of it. It was familiar and comfortable and he felt himself relax now that he was armed. He hadn't realized the tension he had been carrying for weeks until it physically left his body in that moment.

Ten minutes later, he and Hermione left the shop. She had wound up purchasing the yew and unicorn hair wand and was looking forward to getting back to Grimmauld Place to test it out thoroughly and take it through some paces. They stopped at the potion supply shop and apothecary to stock up on ingredients and some new instruments Severus needed. Hermione decided to head across the alley to _Flourish and Blotts_ while he placed orders for owl delivery the following week.

Severus left the apothecary, tucking the folded receipt for his purchases into a front pocket of his frock coat and glanced to the bookstore to see if Hermione was waiting for him. Knowing her she had probably found a book to interest her and had made herself comfortable somewhere in the shop to sit down and read. The image made him smile. However, it was broken a moment later by the sound of raised voices just up the alley.

He turned and saw Ronald Weasley and Hermione outside of Quality Quidditch Supplies. He had his hand around her wrist, and by the looks of it, she was trying to pull herself free, clearly not wanting to be handled in such an aggressive way. Severus swooped down on them so quickly that he was surprised he hadn't flown to her side. He pulled Hermione behind him and raised his new wand in defense against Ron Weasley.

"Do not ever touch her in that way again, or you will be very sorry indeed," He threatened, keeping his voice low so as not to draw too much attention.

"What is this, Hermione?" Weasley shouted, clearly not caring if they attracted an audience.

Potter came rushing out of the store then, and Severus watched him out of the corner of his eye. The young man's right hand was hovering over where his wand stuck out of his pocket. Weasley took a step forward, but Severus pointed his wand at the man firmly. He was not taking any chances this time. Then he felt Hermione's hand on his arm, squeezing gently.

"Severus, don't." she said quietly to him. He looked down at her, into the desperate plea in her eyes. He lowered his wand slowly, holding her gaze, surprise and confusion washing over him that she managed to get him to do so. He slipped it back inside his sleeve and turned to face Weasley.

The young wizard was clearly seething and looked ready to explode. Severus felt Hermione turn beside him to face her friend as well.

"You're sleeping with him aren't you?" Weasley accused, his eyes on Hermione. Severus felt his ire rise at the insinuation and felt his right hand twitch. "Go on, admit it. You lied to me when you said nothing was going on."

"There is nothing going on, Ron. We're friends."

"Lies! You're a fucking bitch, Hermione. A bitch and a traitor."

Hermione gasped audibly in shock. That was it for Severus. He moved in front of Hermione in order to shield her from any more of Weasley's vile words, but she wouldn't stay behind him. She moved to his side and looked up at him as she slipped her fingers into his, her decision made.

Severus watched Weasley process the scene. He looked to their twined hands and back up at Hermione, shock and disgust on his face. "Don't tell me you fucking love him."

"Ron, that's enough."Harry tried to step in now. "You're making a scene. Let's just go."

"No! I've had it with him." Weasley pointed at Severus. "He's controlling her."

Hermione squeezed Severus's hand. He could feel her shaking. He squeezed her hand back for support. She turned to Weasley, her face set in a resolved expression. "I've made my choice, Ron. And I'm not sorry for it."

"He's got you under the _Imperius Curse_ , Hermione. You're not thinking clearly."

"No, you're not thinking clearly! This behavior is childish and needs to stop. You need to face reality. I've moved on, and you need to accept that."

Severus watched as the fight suddenly went out of the young man. He fixed Hermione with an expression that was both devastated and livid. Then the young man turned a hateful stare on him. Weasley disapparated a moment later and was gone.

"I think I have a pretty good idea where's he gone." Potter stated. He walked over to Hermione and took her other hand for a moment. "I'm sorry about this. I'll let you know what happens."

Hermione nodded at his words, but didn't respond beyond that. Potter stepped back and disapparated, leaving the two alone. In the silence that followed Severus became aware of the whispers starting to circulate around them. He squeezed Hermione's hand and Apparated them both back to Grimmauld Place.

Once inside the house, Hermione remained silent. She let go of his hand and wandered toward the kitchen. He watched her go, placing the package containing her new wand down on the hutch in the hallway, and then disappear downstairs into the kitchen. Severus followed her, keeping a little distance. She stood at the sink trying to fill a kettle with water, presumably for tea, but her hands were shaking so violently that she couldn't hold it still long enough for sufficient water to make its way in.

He walked over to her and pried her hands off the kettle, setting it down in the sink and turned the tap off. Hermione began to cry and covered her face with her hands. He was sure she did not want him to see her break down again as she had the last time she and Weasley fought. He reached up and held her shoulders, but it was only momentary as Hermione turned at his touch and threw her arms around him, burying her face in his chest.

Her abrupt contact made him stiffen for a moment. Then he felt as his arms wound around her, one hand cradling her head as she cried, the other around her waist in support. He was not accustomed to providing comfort, even to his students when he had been a professor and Head of Slytherin House, but it felt natural to hold her this way. When everything else was going wrong, this was right. He didn't move and he didn't speak.

Severus realized she had let go of someone that had been dear to her, and the loss of it was breaking her heart. He knew there was nothing else he could do now except to be there for her in the only way he was capable of, so he held her.

Eventually her tears subsided, and he felt her turn her face sideways, resting her cheek against the front of his coat. She looked up at him, her eyes red and still shining.

"I'm sorry. For all of that. But thank you."

Severus didn't respond. He kissed the top of her head and heard Hermione suck in a breath. Her grip on his coat tightened as he pressed his lips to her hair, then lessened when he pulled away.

"Take all the time you need," he told her. In all honesty, he did not want to let her go. He liked the way she fit into his arms. He was touched that she trusted him enough to find comfort with him after what had just transpired.

And he was happy to give it to her.

~S~

 _Hermione,_

 _I'm sorry I haven't written to you. I just have nothing to say. You and Harry could explain a million times over to me how you feel about him, but it's not going to change how_ I _feel. Snape may not have been directly responsible for Fred, but a lot of what happened is his fault. If he had truly been on our side all these years he would have done more to stop it all from happening. Just because Harry saw things from his memories doesn't make them true. He could have changed them, hidden other details. He's a powerful, dark wizard. He's capable of anything._

 _I don't trust him being alone there with you, Hermione. Being too weak to cast any spells is one thing. You helped heal him, fine. I get that. But now he's recovered. He can go. Or he can stay there, and you come to the Burrow. Harry told me you're not doing your apprenticeship anymore and that you're going to be taking your N.E.W.T.s for entry into the Auror Program. You don't need to be in London anymore._

 _Please, Hermione, come stay with me. I miss you, I really do. And I know you miss me, too, or you wouldn't keep sending letters all the time. If you want to talk first, I understand. Harry and I are going to Diagon Alley next week to look at Quidditch supplies. We want to convert that old field behind the house into a real pitch. Maybe you could help with casting some Muggle repelling charms?_

 _Owl me a response and we'll figure out a time._

 _Ron_

Hermione set the letter down that she had received a little over a week ago. She had immediately responded with an acceptance and let Ron know what time she would be there. At the time, she didn't know that Severus had plans on visiting Diagon Alley the same day, and had worried when they first arrived that Ron may show up early and the day would only end in another fight.

Well, it had, but not for the reason she had first envisioned. She might have been able to have a decent conversation with him if he hadn't grabbed her. It had started out well enough. She had told Severus she was going across the street to the book store, and she had, so it hadn't been an outright lie. She just didn't want him seeing her going into the Quidditch store because it would have only made him follow her, and she wanted the opportunity to talk to Ron somewhere he felt comfortable.

But that hadn't happened either. She had waited a good five minutes inside _Flourish and Blotts_ and then walked up the alley. Ron was just inside looking at Chudley Cannons robes when he spotted her coming in and walked out to meet her.

"Hey." He looked nervous, maybe even a little ashamed. It had been weeks since they had last seen each other. His hair was in desperate need of trimming and he had circles under his eyes.

"Hey," Hermione had responded. "Do you want to go back inside and talk?"

"No, it's too noisy in there. Right here is fine." Ron gestured to the small alcove that the shop and the one adjoining it created with their shared wall. "So," he said as they stepped into the relative privacy of the corner.

"He's still at Grimmauld Place with me." Hermione stated, getting it out of the way early.

"And you can't just leave him there?"

"It's not my house. Harry would have to make that call on allowing Severus to stay there on his own."

"So ask him. He's inside."

Hermione held up her hand. "That's not what this conversation is about, Ron."

"Yes, it is, Hermione. That's exactly what this conversation is about. You've done your part for him, now move on."

"He's really not as dangerous as you think, Ron."

"Like hell he isn't," Ron hissed quietly at her. "He's a bloody Death Eater, Hermione."

"No, he's not. And he hasn't been for seventeen years."

"He has the Dark Mark, Hermione."

Hermione shifted the wrapped package holding her new wand under her right arm and drew up the sleeve on her left. "And because I have this, does that make it true about me?" she asked, sticking her arm out so Ron could see the faded scar spelling 'mudblood' across her skin.

"That's different. You didn't ask for that. He _chose_ his scar."

Hermione pushed her sleeve back down. "That's not the point I'm trying to make, Ron."

"No, you and Harry are trying to make me believe that everything he's done can be forgiven just because of a couple memories. They don't change the fact that he's committed murder or cursed people. You may think he's good now. That he's safe. But what happens when there's a misunderstanding or he loses his temper and he hurts you, Hermione?"

 _Severus wouldn't hurt me_ , Hermione thought. And she went back to when she first brought him to Grimmauld Place and questioned the very same thing. At the time, she wasn't sure if her judgment was right. But now, after weeks together, she knew it was. Severus would never hurt her. Physically at least. She wasn't so sure about emotionally.

"No answer," Ron said, breaking her from her thoughts then. "You see my point."

Hermione closed her eyes for a moment, trying to see the situation through Ron's perspective. As her friend, his concern was rightly placed. But they had never made anything exclusive between them. He was beginning to go over the line in his protectiveness. At least to her. She knew he still thought of her as his girlfriend even though they had spent almost no time together in the last three months. But Hermione had moved on, weeks ago in fact.

Her heart clenched with guilt, and she knew then that maybe she was better off being alone. She was too independent and valued the control she had over her life. Ron deserved better.

"Yes, you make a fair point. But I don't want to discuss Severus with you anymore, Ron. I wanted to talk about us."

"And what kind of conversation were you expecting to have, Hermione? Because right now, I don't know how you and I can agree on anything when you're too blind to see what I see."

Hermione huffed in frustration. "And what exactly do you see, Ronald? Other than the fact that you don't trust me to be able to take care of myself?"

"Ok, I get it." Ron held up his hands in a placating manner, but his tone said otherwise. It was short and irritated. He didn't get it at all. He just wanted Hermione to see his way, and if he had to feign agreement to get her to concede, then this whole conversation was a waste of time for them both. He wasn't going to budge on his stance. And until Ron was willing to actually listen to her, neither would she.

"No, you don't," she said, taking a step back from him. "I hear everything you're saying, Ron. And I understand your concern. No, I do." Hermione held a hand up to stop him interrupting her as he opened his mouth to protest. "But what you fail to realize is that I don't have Severus up on a pedestal in my mind, and neither does Harry. We have both admitted that he's done terrible things in the past. Some by choice, some not. And one night is not going to make up for years of bad decisions. It's not going to suddenly turn him into a good person, and I know that. But that doesn't mean it has stop me from seeing the good _in_ him."

"There is no good in him, Hermione."

"Then we're at an impasse, Ron. I don't see what effect any more arguing is going to have for us." As she turned to go, he grabbed her wrist.

Severus had shown up not a moment later, his wand drawn, proving Ron's point about his unpredictability. But Hermione knew it was only a precaution. He was acting out of a protective instinct from the last time he had been present when she and Ron fought. He wasn't going to take the chance of Ron getting out another curse.

But when she touched his arm and looked at him, asking him with her eyes to stop, he had lowered his wand by choice. Severus then put it away, leaving himself open to attack. Right then, she knew she was right putting her trust in him. He turned and faced Ron unarmed. In that moment, Hermione made her choice. It was going to break Ron's heart, but he had already broken hers.

She stepped up to Severus's side and took his hand.

Hermione let the rest of the memory wash over her, and a few stray tears slid down her face. She crumpled up Ron's letter and tossed it into the kitchen fire. She watched the corners curl and blacken as the flames ate away at the missive until there was nothing left. There was no going back now to what had been. She had destroyed the last chance there had been at the two of them ever being together. Even as friends.

She may love Severus, but she knew deep down a relationship between them would never work. They were both too independent, too controlling. Never mind that they worked well together, or lived well together for that matter. Romance was just not an option. And so no matter how much pain it caused her to be near him all the time, she would take it. Because she had hurt Ron in a way that was never intended, but had done it anyway by choice. Because she cared enough for Severus that she would stand at his side as a friend and advocate.

Because she knew she would never be anything more to him than that.


	9. Falling Inside the Black

Disclaimer: See Chapter 1

 _Falling in the black  
Slipping through the cracks  
Falling to the depths can I ever go back  
Dreaming of the way it used to be  
Can you hear me?_

\- Skillet

* * *

Chapter 9

Severus sat in the library watching the fire later that evening. His mind was still going over the events from that afternoon. When he thought back on it, Hermione had seemed anxious as they had walked back up the alley from Ollivander's, and she had checked her watch more than once when they had been in both the potion supply shop and Apothecary. Then she had stated she wanted to go across to the bookstore while he had been placing an order.

Although he had not watched her go, he assumed that was where she actually went. But then not fifteen minutes later when he walked out she was in the middle of another heated argument with Ronald Weasley. Perhaps she _had_ gone to _Flourish and Blotts_ as she had told him, but then she had not lingered there very long. She had had plans of meeting Weasley today. And not told him. Not that it was his business what went on between those two, but considering what had happened the last time they fought, he couldn't help the defensive instinct that took over upon seeing Weasley's hand closed around Hermione's wrist.

It brought back too many painful memories from his own childhood, and he would be damned if he was going to let Weasley get away with such actions. No woman deserved to be treated that way.

He didn't know why it bothered him so much that Hermione had omitted her plans for meeting Weasley to him, but it did. He didn't want to think about what could have happened had he not walked out of the Apothecary at that moment and witnessed them. But that only made him realize that he didn't trust Hermione to be able to defend herself. He knew that she could, and he had to believe that just because she didn't have her own wand drawn didn't mean she wouldn't have gone for it if necessary.

But knowing Hermione and her Gryffindor tendencies, she most likely wouldn't have. She would have stupidly stood there unarmed in front of an irate wizard. An easy target. Then again, when Ron Weasley cast that curse weeks ago in the hallway downstairs, he had not even been aiming at Hermione. She had stepped in front of Severus and taken the hit for him. _He_ had been Weasley's intended target. However, when Weasley had first drawn his wand, Hermione was the one he was reacting to.

But Severus never left anything to chance, and so he had charged in wand drawn in defense. Unlike Hermione, he was _not_ a trusting person. He was not even a good man, and his first instinct was to always go for his wand. He had learned that the moment Ollivander had placed the first one in his palm. He grew up knowing the only defense he had against the world was his magic. If he didn't use it first, someone else would.

"You're still up?" Hermione's voice asked from the doorway. Severus broke from his reverie and looked up at her.

"I'm not in need of rest at this time. You, however, look as though you could use the reprieve."

Hermione sighed and walked in, taking the seat next to him on the couch. "I suppose. It was a trying afternoon."

"Indeed." Severus turned from the fire to face her now. "Why didn't you tell me about your plans?"

"I didn't want you to worry. And besides that, I can take care of myself."

"Clearly." His tone was intentionally sarcastic.

"Severus, there really was no need for you to jump in like that. I had the conversation under control. I don't always need my wand to defend myself."

"I realize that, Hermione. And you're right, I should not have jumped in. But the scene reminded me of ... similar moments between my own parents." He had never revealed his childhood to her, and he didn't intend on starting now. But he felt the need to justify his actions from that afternoon to her. Why exactly, he didn't know. He didn't really care what she thought of him drawing his wand against Weasley, who had not even pulled his out.

"He has concerns."

"Completely unwarranted, I'm sure."

"You think so?" Hermione snapped. "You don't even know what you saw and yet you rushed in with your wand drawn. If Ron hadn't let me go, would you have cursed him?"

"No. You stopped me before I could do anything."

"So you would have?"

"I would not have cursed him, Hermione. Hexed him, yes. But not cursed him. And I would have only done so _if_ he had not let go of you. As it turns out, he did, and so the need did not arise for me to cast."

"But you thought about it?"

Severus sighed. "If you had come across a similar situation involving a friend in trouble, would you have not done the same thing? And do not try and be logical about it. I am asking about instinct."

Hermione sat in silence for several minutes. He hoped she was putting consideration into her answer and not over thinking it, but her hesitation was answer enough. She would stall, analyzing the situation before moving forward with a response to it.

"Did you hesitate during the battle?" he asked next.

"That was different."

"Were you not defending your friends?"

She paused again. "I see your point," she finally conceded.

"Do you? Do you understand what I am trying to say to you, Hermione?" He didn't know that she did. "I am trying to tell you that no matter the person, protectiveness is something I am used to feeling. Ever since I watched my own mother being beaten by my father." And there it was. He had let it slip. In his effort to conceal the information from her, he had told her anyway, desperate to make a point.

And now that it was out, there was no taking it back. He only hoped the admission did not give Hermione the wrong idea about him. He still did not consider himself a good man. However, he had been Head of Slytherin House for sixteen years and responsible for the safety of hundreds of students under his care. While that may not entirely prove the point he was trying to make, it would certainly give her something to think about.

"Like saving Harry from Quirrell's curse?"

"Yes. Although you know there was more behind my actions than simply wanting to protect him."

"If you had not made that bargain with Dumbledore and came to teach at Hogwarts anyway, would you still have tried to protect him in the same manner?"

"Yes."

"Then you have better instincts than I do, Severus."

"You were placed in Gryffindor for a reason, Hermione."

"I've never considered myself to be very brave. It surprised me that the Sorting Hat placed me in Gryffindor. I imagine I would have been quite happy in Ravenclaw."

Severus smirked to himself as a thought crossed his mind. "And what about Slytherin?"

"You know as well as I do that I would have never been sorted into Slytherin."

"Your blood status does not matter to the hat." Severus fixed her with a keen look. He felt his eyebrows draw together as she stared back at him. _Had_ the Sorting Hat considered Slytherin for her?

"I'm not ambitious. Or cunning."

Severus smirked at her. "Ah, that is where you are wrong, Miss Granger." Her eyebrow quirked at his sudden use of formality in addressing her. "I think you would have faired very well in Slytherin."

"Would that have changed your opinion of me as a student?"

"Probably not. You would have still been a know-it-all, I am sure."

"But would you have found a sense of pride in me, had I been in your House?"

Severus considered her question for a moment. "I suppose that depends."

"On?"

"On how you would have used your knowledge as a Slytherin and not as a Gryffindor. I suspect I would have been … tolerant of you."

Hermione smirked at him now, narrowing her eyes as she leaned back into the couch and crossed her arms over her chest. "How very Hufflepuff of you."

~S~

The following morning, Severus was not so forthcoming with his opinion. At least not right away. She could tell something was bothering him as soon as she walked into the kitchen and began to make breakfast for herself. He was sitting at the table already reading the morning edition of the _Daily Prophet_ and drinking tea. He eyed her as she walked in, no doubt taking in the fact that she was fully clothed and her wand was sticking out of her pocket.

"I would advise against," he said quietly.

She pulled her wand out and waved it silently over her bowl of dry porridge. Hot water filled the bowl and she stirred it until it became thick. Hermione added some sugar to the top and ate the first spoonful without responding.

She walked over to the table and sat down, eating silently for a minute before summoning a teacup from the china hutch and pouring herself a measure from Severus's pot.

"I still don't think it's a good idea, Hermione," Severus stated for the second time after another few minutes of silence had passed between them.

Hermione ignored him yet again and continued with her porridge. She was going in today to start her Auror training whether he liked it or not. After the scene in Diagon Alley the previous afternoon she was determined to put Ron as far from her mind as possible. Harry had sent her an owl late last night to let her know that Ron had gone home and that he was all right physically, but refusing to talk. He also let her know that Ron was training to be an Auror as well, but that he would not be in again until Tuesday.

Hermione had expected the news about her friend entering the Auror program. The last time she and Harry had spoken, he had let her know that Ron hadn't had any luck finding any temporary work and instead applied to the program. He was hoping eventually to join George in running the joke shop together, but George had left the country for an extended time, looking into expansion options on the main continent, but mostly just to get away. He hadn't indicated when he would return, so Ron needed something to occupy his time. He had initially wanted to work with Percy, not start a job he would later feel bad about leaving. He hadn't thought he was good enough to be an Auror, but Kingsley took his application and accepted his O.W.L. scores for entry.

Hermione finished her tea and got up, turning from the table and faced the fireplace.

"Your head is not in the right place, Hermione," Severus commented quietly. She heard him set his teacup down on the saucer and turned back to him.

"Kingsley said my scores will be back tomorrow. He wants me to come in today for an orientation."

"I think you should wait another day. You're distracted."

Hermione sighed and rolled her eyes. "How so?"

"You put your shirt on backwards." He picked up his teacup once more and sipped from it, giving her a look over the rim.

"While you may prefer all of your buttons in the front, these," she turned to show him the back of her blouse, "are supposed to be in the back."

"Odd place if you ask me."

"Well, I didn't." Hermione grabbed her beaded handbag off the table and pulled on her denim jumper, sticking her vine wand into an inside pocket. "Look, I'll be ok, Severus. Really." She walked over to him and touched his shoulder. "I'll be back in a few hours."

She returned to the fireplace, feeling his dark eyes on her back the entire time. She took a little bit of Floo powder from the bowl on the mantle and stepped into the empty grate. Severus was still watching her when green flames enveloped her a moment later and then she was spinning. As quickly as the rotations had begun, they stopped and she was walking out of one of the gilt fireplaces on the right hand side of the Atrium in the Ministry of Magic. Hermione moved into the throng of witches and wizards as they walked forward toward another day of work. Ahead of her was the memorial for the Second Wizarding War, commemorating all who had been lost. She would have to stop on her way out later to have a proper look at it.

She made her way over to the reception area to register her wand for the day and obtain a badge. She then took the lift to Level 2 to the Department of Magical Law Enforcement and the Auror Office. Upon entering, she faced a large open area filled with cubicles, ten in all, separated in half on opposite sides of the room. She could see Kingsley's distinctive purple robes where he sat at his desk facing outward. Harry stood leaning on one side of the cubicle, his back to her. They appeared to be deep in conversation about something.

Hermione started to walk over and saw Kingsley look up at her. He indicated to Harry to turn around and then her friend was flashing her a brilliant smile. He met her halfway across the room and wrapped her up in a tight hug, her toes leaving the floor for a moment.

"That's quite a welcome," she laughed as he put her down.

"I'm so glad you're here. I think this is going to be really great for you."

"As do I," Kingsley stated in his deep, exotic accent as he walked over. He offered Hermione a hug as well, although not as enthusiastically as Harry had. "Let me show you where you'll be sitting."

He walked Harry and Hermione over to the cubicles on the left side across from his and indicated an empty one that was already labeled H. Granger, Trainee. Hermione noticed she was next to Harry, and down one more to the right was a cubicle labeled R. Weasley, Trainee. She felt her stomach flip uncomfortably as she recalled the previous day. Harry must have noticed her discomfort because he reached for her hand and squeezed.

"So today I just want to do an assessment of your defense skills," Kingsley explained as he began to walk the two down a hallway. "While I have no doubt in them, Hermione, I just need to know what level you are at in order to plan your training adequately. I have the current trainees in two different classes based on skill. I'm expecting you will be training with Mr. Potter here and Mr. Longbottom."

Hermione turned to Harry feeling a grin form on her face. "When did Neville apply?"

"About three weeks ago. He's doing great," Harry affirmed. Hermione was pleased to hear this. Neville was definitely someone she could picture as an excellent Auror.

Kingsley stopped outside a door and opened it. "This is our training room. It's a little outdated, but we do not exactly have the funds right now to be worrying about this particular upgrade. There will be time for that later." He showed the two inside and waved his wand to light the small room they had walked into. Through a glass window in front of her, Hermione could see into a much larger room beyond the one in which she stood. It was pitch black except a for a light shining down in the middle and light in each of the four corners.

"Through that door, Miss Granger," Kingsley indicated. "Inside you will be dueling against a series of dummies that have been enchanted to resemble real wizards. They move in real time and will be casting both verbally and non-verbally. The point of this exercise is to get as authentic a response as possible from you to test your aptitude and reaction time. Are you ready?"

Hermione nodded. She removed her denim jumper and pulled her wand from the left pocket of her corduroy trousers. She headed through the door and walked to the middle of the room to stand under the beam of light. She raised her wand in a defense position and waited. The first dummy charged at her from the far right corner and she deflected the hex cast at her with a crack and flash of light from her wand. Hermione dueled against the first dummy for several minutes until it retreated, feeling confident thus far.

It was barely back into the corner it originated from when the second dummy appeared to the left. Hermione easily deflected the attacks launched at her, turning at one point to meet a second dummy as it approached from a different corner. She managed the two dummies together, deflecting, blocking, and casting hexes and jinxes of her own until they retreated as well.

Two dummies came out at once from opposite corners, and she dueled them together, with a little difficulty, until a third dummy joined in. Hermione took on the addition easily, casting over her shoulder and behind her back. A fourth dummy came out of another corner. She timed her footwork, casting a binding jinx behind herself as she heard it approach.

One of the dummies then verbally cast ' _Stupefy'_ and she froze momentarily. Her mind was taken back to the Room of Requirement in Fifth year when she had squared off against Ron during a class for the D.A. She had put him flat on his back before he could even get a chance to speak the incantation. While it had been a humorous moment then, it brought tears to her eyes now and she stumbled, losing her focus. She dodged the hex just in time as it flew past her and out of sight.

Hermione attempted another binding jinx, but her hesitation cost her and she took a stinging hex to her back. She cried out in surprise and turned to defend herself only to get hit from behind again. This time she fell to her knees as they buckled, and hexes rained down on her. She didn't know how long she lay there on the floor, but it felt like hours. Suddenly it all stopped and she was being pulled to her feet by Kingsley.

He walked her from the room and through the door into the anteroom. She could hear Harry talking over her, asking if she was ok, but she was in so much pain that she couldn't formulate a verbal response. One of them was asking her about healing, but Hermione felt herself shaking her head. She just wanted to go back to Grimmauld Place.

"I'll take her." Harry offered, his voice muffled to her.

She felt her jumper being wrapped around her shoulders and Harry's arm about her waist as he walked her out of the room.

~S~

Severus sat at the long table in the dining room looking over the letter he had just received from St. Mungo's. They were offering him a position of Head Potioneer, requesting that he start immediately if at all possible. He set the letter down and thought about how Hermione would react to the news when she got back. Perhaps he could take her out as a celebration. But where would they go?

His musings were interrupted when he heard the fireplace roar to life down in the kitchen. Then Potter's voice followed, calling for him. Severus leapt up and rushed to the stairs leading down to the kitchen. Potter was just coming up them, Hermione cradled into his side, clearly in pain.

"Help me." Potter panted, trying to get his friend up the narrow stairway without causing her more discomfort.

Severus reached his hand out to her and helped Hermione up the rest of the stairs, then scooped her into his arms. He asked Potter to gather some things from the kitchen and come upstairs. Severus carried Hermione up to her bedroom where he sat her down on the side of her bed.

"What happened?" he asked, helping her remove her jumper. Then he saw the back of her shirt. It was ripped in several places and he could see cuts and hex burns through the thin material. "Lie down." He instructed. He helped her to get comfortable on her stomach and then slowly undid the buttons of her blouse.

"May I?" he asked, his hand hovering over the middle of her back. He saw Hermione nod, and as gently as he could he unhooked her bra and then let the straps fall to her sides. Hermione gasped and winced in pain as he ran his hand over the marks across her back. He suspected she was suffering more right now from deep muscle pain than from any of the superficial wounds. He waved his wand over her hair and it braided itself into a bun so that it was out of the way.

Potter came in then with the Murtlap, balm, and cloths he had requested. He handed them over and then stood off to the side out of the way. Severus poured some of the Murtlap onto one of the cloths and took hold of her Hermione's waist to hold her down.

"Ready?" he asked quietly, and she nodded. At the first touch of the cloth, she flinched and cried out quietly. He knew it didn't sting as much as the wound-cleaning potion did, but the tingle of it had taken her by surprise, he was sure.

Harry dropped into a crouch at the side of the bed and took her hand. He started talking to her in a soft, calm tone, distracting her. Severus was grateful as he continued to apply the Murtlap to her wounds.

"What happened?" Potter asked, his voice still low.

"When that last dummy verbally cast 'stupefy,' it reminded me of…of Ron," Hermione whispered. Potter nodded, obviously remembering something he had witnessed between his friends. "I lost my focus- Ow." Hermione winced again and sucked in a breath as Severus began applying the balm to some of the nastier burns on her back.

He squeezed her waist gently to keep her still. "Easy, I'm almost done." He whispered to her, trying his best to use a soothing tone. Hermione gasped quietly underneath him and he wondered if it had to do with the contact between them at the moment. He _was_ touching the bare skin of her waist, an intimate place to have his hand.

"Finished." He stated a minute later and set the jar of balm down. Already her back appeared better, but she was going to be in pain for a day or so. He would check her back later this evening and treat it again with the Murtlap, if necessary, before applying more balm.

He fixed Hermione's clothes as best he could and helped her to sit up, taking her chin in his hand and tipping it to each side, checking for further wounds. Satisfied that there were none, he dropped his hand and simply gazed at her for a moment. Hermione gazed back and he felt her hand cover his where it lay on the bed.

"Thank you," she whispered.

"Would you like something more comfortable to wear?"

Hermione nodded. "Yes, please. That would be appreciated."

He got up and retrieved her softest robe from the wardrobe. "Will you help her while I go downstairs and make a calming draught for her?" he asked Potter as he handed the young man the article of clothing.

"Of course." Potter took the robe and helped Hermione move to sit on the edge of her bed. She kept herself covered as he wrapped the robe around her. Severus turned to go, watching as Potter faced away from the bed as Hermione attempted to remove her clothes underneath the robe without unveiling her upper body.

About thirty minutes later, he had the draught finished and measured out a cup of the thin, yellow brew to take back upstairs. Potter was just coming down and met him on the landing.

"Do you realize how she feels about you?"

Severus was taken aback for a moment by Potter's bluntness (an unfortunate Gryffindor trait) but he didn't let his surprise show.

"I know that she cares for me. And I for her. She has done much to help me, and it has endeared her to me."

"She loves you," Potter stated, continuing with his candidness. "And she made a choice yesterday to let Ron go because she wants to be with you."

Severus was stunned, but kept his expression impassive. After years of playing both sides of the war he was a master at hiding his emotions. He couldn't deny, though, that he had had an inkling for some time of Hermione's deeper feelings for him. But he never considered that it could be love. A deep admiration, or gratitude, but not love.

"Do you really care for her?" Potter asked now. "Because if you do, you need to tell her. And sooner rather than later."

Severus prickled a little at the younger wizard's tone. He didn't appreciate being spoken to this way by someone much younger than him with hardly any life experience in this particular field. But he knew deep down that Potter was right. He left a moment later, leaving Severus on the landing. When his mind cleared, he walked over to the door and cast the wards over it, securing it. He then returned upstairs with the potion for Hermione.

Upon reaching her bedroom, he stopped in the doorway. Hermione was passed out on her bed facing him. She lay on her stomach, curled around one of her pillows, obviously trying to keep pressure off of her back. Her brows drew together in sleep and she looked frightened for a moment, but then her face relaxed and she murmured his name so quietly that he thought at first he heard wrong. But she said his name again and curled into the pillow more, as though he was lying there with her and holding her.

Severus didn't know what to think, but he felt himself setting the cup of potion down on the end table, and then he removed his boots. As gently as possible he pulled the pillow from underneath Hermione and got up on the bed sitting against the headboard to cradle her body against his. She sighed and her hand came up to clutch at his coat. Her eyes remained closed, but she pulled herself closer as if desperate to be as near to him as she could be.

She whispered his name again, saying it almost like a plea as she settled her head against his chest. Severus was struck by the sound of her voice, thinking back to what Potter had said to him. Hermione was in love with him and had willingly let Ron Weasley go because she wanted to be with him. As he had told Potter, he did indeed care for her as well. But would he call it love?

Could he even feel love again like he had for Lily? Could he open his heart to the possibility of sharing it with someone else, even with the potential for pain to walk hand-in-hand with it? Right now all he could think about was how Hermione felt in his arms and the fact that she seemed to feel safe and secure with him. He dropped a kiss to the top of her head and wrapped an arm around her.

Hermione whined softly in her sleep and opened her eyes, tipping her head back slightly to meet his gaze. Severus reached out, cupped the side of her face and drew her up towards him as he leaned down and pressed his lips gently to hers. He didn't know what made him do it. It almost felt like instinct. But he knew it was right. He kissed her softly, pleased that she responded to him. The pressure of her mouth against his was delicate but firm. He wanted to deepen the kiss, to taste her and know how she would answer him. Would she kiss him back the same way? Or would she be frightened and pull out of his embrace?

Severus decided now was not the time. Perhaps there would be another opportunity for such exploration. If Hermione was amenable to it, that is. He placed his hand over hers and pried it gently from his clothing as he parted from her. Her eyes were partly closed, heavy-lidded, and she felt limp in his arms now.

"Try and rest." He whispered to her, then kissed her forehead and wrapped his arm back around her waist, cradling her once more against his body.

Hermione sighed and snuggled into his hold. She was asleep in moments. And so was he.

~S~

Hermione woke up, blinking a few times as her eyes adjusted to the dim room the following morning. She picked her head up, finding that she had used Severus's chest as a pillow and that his arm was still around her waist. She had her own arm draped across his torso, and they had shifted during the night so that they were lying down on her bed now. Hermione couldn't remember the last time she had slept so well and tried to remember if she had had any dreams the night before, but her memory could not conjure any. She sat up a little and watched Severus sleep. This was something she always enjoyed, even when he had been at St. Mungo's. He looked at least ten years younger when he slumbered.

She couldn't help herself and leaned down to kiss him, pressing her lips very lightly against his. She was still reeling from the fact that Severus had initiated their kiss the previous evening. It had sparked so much hope inside her. Hermione pulled back and swept some hair off his forehead, then leaned down and kissed the tip of his nose, then his lips once more.

After a moment, Severus began kissing her back, making her gasp. He deepened the kiss between them, tasting her with his tongue as his hand cupped the nape of her neck. He began to turn them, pushing Hermione to her back as he hovered over her. She let him settle between her legs, shocking herself with how easy it felt to allow him to do so. A gasp escaped her again as he rocked against her. She whimpered at the contact, wanting more.

But Severus pulled back from her, just as she was feeling brave enough to run her tongue along his lower lip. He looked down at her, hesitant and scared. He was panting slightly, his hands on either side of her head supporting himself on his arms.

"I'm sorry," he began, but Hermione reached up and placed a finger over his mouth.

She leaned up and kissed him tentatively a few times, going slow. On the third kiss, Severus began to respond to her, lowering himself down to rest the full weight of his body against hers. He tangled his legs with hers and rocked his hips forward again. Hermione broke away from him with a soft cry, one hand clutching his back, the other tangled in his hair.

She let her head fall back and felt Severus move his lips to her neck where he sucked gently, one hand running up and down her side. She was still in the robe he had given her the night before, and the only thing she had on underneath was her underwear. Her back had been too sore for her to sleep in her bra, and she had been uncomfortable at first when she tried to lay down with her pants on. She remembered this as she felt Severus slip his hand into the part in her robe and graze against the skin of her stomach. He let it fall to her side to clutch her waist, pressing his hips into hers.

"Severus," she gasped his name out loud, unable to help herself.

It seemed to snap him out of his amorous haze, and he pulled away from her again.

"We can't do this," he said between breaths. Severus got up and sat down at the end of the bed, his face buried in his hands. Hermione followed him, making sure her robe was shut and tied securely. She sat on her knees behind him, one hand on his shoulder.

"I just can't, Hermione," Severus mumbled.

It didn't escape her notice that he had switched from 'we' to 'I' in a matter of seconds, which meant his reluctance wasn't stemming from anything she had done. It was something inside him that he was allowing to hold him back. And then it dawned on her.

"Because of Lily?" Hermione asked quietly. Severus nodded. She then asked the question that she knew was going to break her heart but had to hear. "Because you still love her?"

"Yes," Severus whispered, his voice pained.

Hermione nodded, already feeling her eyes beginning to sting with tears. "I understand. Of course." She moved away from him and started to get off the bed, but stopped when she felt Severus's hand close around her wrist. She turned to face him, seeing the same agony on his face that she was sure was etched on her own.

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be. You loved her very much. I wouldn't expect you to be able to move on from something as deep as that so easily." She tried to give him a reassuring smile, but all she could feel was her lower lip trembling, and the first couple of tears leaked from her eyes.

Severus stood up suddenly and cupped her face in both his hands. "Don't cry, please. I should have never done what I just did. But that doesn't mean I regret it. It was wonderful. I haven't felt that way in almost twenty years. And it was you that brought it out in me."

"But you won't do it again?" Hermione asked, already knowing the answer. She felt her heart crack just a little more as she watched Severus nod in confirmation. She reached up and took hold of his wrists, pulling his hands from her face. His expression turned to one of confusion. "Please go." she whispered, fighting back more tears. "I want to take a shower." It was the first excuse she could come up with for asking him to leave.

"You shouldn't. Not yet at least. Your back-"

"Feels much better, thank you," she interrupted him. "But I would really like to take a shower."

"Will you let me look at it when you're finished?"

Hermione shook her head. "That won't be necessary, Severus. You did enough yesterday."

"I should really-"

"No," Hermione stated firmly. She closed her eyes to stem her tears. She needed just a few more moments to get away and then she could lock herself in her bathroom and cry all she wanted. "No," she said again, softer than before. "Just go."

Severus appeared hurt by her request, but he nodded once and brushed past her without another word. She waited until she heard the door click shut before she let herself crumple to the floor.

How could she be so stupid? Of course he still loved Lily Evans. His relationship with her had been a pivotal part of his youth. He had cared for her more than anything, anyone else in the world. He still cared for her. No, he still _loved_ her. And he always would. Which meant one thing to her.

"He'll never love me." Hermione whispered to herself. She choked out a sob and covered her mouth with her hand as her tears flowed freely now, then collapsed against the bed frame, unable to hold herself up any longer.

~S~

Hermione woke up in a tight ball on her floor sometime later. Her back was screaming in pain, but not from any of the wounds she had taken yesterday. This pain was deeper and outmatched only by the pain in her chest. She tried to sit up, but the muscles in her back refused to support her, so she managed to pull herself up using the end of the bed for leverage. She made it to her bathroom, using the sink for support as she turned her shower on.

Wincing, Hermione untied her robe and let it fall off her bare shoulders. Her knickers followed, creating a small pile on the floor. Hermione stepped into the shower, faced the spray and let it run down her face for a minute before she turned. The hot water hit her exposed back and she let out a shriek, feeling her knees buckle from the shock of the pain that moved like lightning through her body.

She fell to the floor of the shower and curled up into a tight ball, trying to keep her back as far from the water as possible. But curling in on herself hurt even more. No matter what she did, it hurt. Hurt all over. The ache wasn't just in her chest now. She could feel it in her fingers and toes.

And then the water stopped cascading down on her. She felt something soft wrap around her, and then the sensation of being lifted and carried. Hermione felt herself being laid stomach down on her bed and whatever had covered her was being pulled down her back, leaving it exposed.

Severus's voice cursed quietly from behind her, and she felt the weight of his body leave the bed. "Lie still, I'll return in a moment."

She didn't want him to return. She didn't want his help. She just wanted to be left alone. Hermione sniffed a few times, letting a few tears escape to roll down her face and dampen the pillow beneath her. She closed her eyes, keeping them closed even when she felt Severus settle on the bed beside her once more.

"Try not move." he said quietly, his silky baritone voice washing over her, and she couldn't help the tremble that rolled through her, emphasized by his touch when his hand came up to hold her waist again.

This time when he treated her skin with the Murtlap she felt soothed. He moved the cloth over her back in even strokes, making sure not to linger too long on any one cut or burn.

"Thank you," Hermione heard herself whisper.

"Of course. Your skin was irritated from the hot water, but it may have been that way from rubbing against your robe all night as well. Do you want me to apply some balm to it?"

Hermione nodded. A moment later she felt Severus rubbing the thin paste over her wounds, still using as gentle a touch as possible. Letting out a breath, she closed her eyes and tried not to enjoy the sensation of his hands on her. She thought back to just that morning and the way he had felt pressed along the length of her body. She trembled again and felt a blanket covering her.

"Rest. I'll be back in a little bit." Severus's voice bid her. When Hermione opened her eyes again, he was gone.


	10. Say You Will

Disclaimer: See Chapter 1

 _It's taking you too long to decide_  
 _And I don't want to be the one_  
 _Crying over wasted time_

 _If you think you're strong enough to let me in_  
 _Then come on, stand up and be honest_

\- Evanescence

* * *

Chapter 10

Severus stood outside Hermione's door after she had asked him to leave. He listened for a few minutes, feeling his chest constrict and his stomach twist with nausea when he heard a sob on the other side of the door and the sound of Hermione slumping to the floor. He grabbed the doorknob and started to twist it. But what good would going back in there right now achieve? He had already told her how he felt. Already admitted his continuing love for Lily Evans. Severus let go of the doorknob and backed away. If he went in there now Hermione would only tell him to leave again. He didn't need to be told twice.

Severus returned downstairs to the kitchen intent on distracting himself. He began a fresh brew of pain relief potion, assuming Hermione would want to take it at some point. He began adding ingredients and stirring from memory, allowing his mind to become sidetracked with the events of the last twelve hours. _He_ had initiated the kiss last night. At the time it had felt so right to him. Holding Hermione in his arms, feeling her mouth against his. But then _she_ had kissed _him_ this morning, and something else had taken over inside him.

All he could think about was the pressure of her lips, the response of her body to the movements of his. Where had all of that even come from? Twenty years of suppressed gratification had exploded out of him. And Hermione had been willing. She let him touch her, let him rock against her as he tried to find relief from the ache in his groin.

But then she had sighed his name. Her voice was light and delicate. It sounded the same as another voice he had known, one he had not heard in almost twenty years. The last time someone had said his name like that, they had been children and she was laughing at a joke he had made. Hermione had sounded just like Lily. And it sobered him more than a fast-acting detoxification potion. He had pulled back from her, realizing just how physically close they had become.

He had felt ashamed. Ashamed for treating Hermione as he had. Ashamed for betraying Lily.

But he was most ashamed with himself. He didn't deserve to feel that way again, not after everything he'd done. He had accepted Hermione's and Potter's forgiveness for all that had happened, but that didn't mean he forgave himself. He struggled every day with his past. He was grateful to be given a second chance, but he didn't believe he actually deserved it. Severus realized for the first time that in the past few weeks, he had only been going through the motions because he didn't know what else to do with himself.

He had no family, no friends, and nowhere to go. Walking out meant he would literally be on his own. And while he remained by choice, partly because of that former reasoning, he remained because of Hermione. Because she wanted him _here_. With her. And being a glutton for punishment, he stayed. But when she asked him if he still loved Lily, he would have given anything to be anywhere else. It made his heart ache to tell her truth.

Severus suddenly cursed out loud and pulled his hand back from the cauldron. A bubble of liquid had popped and sprayed his hand with the scalding brew. He realized the potion was boiling over and quickly killed the flames beneath it with a flick of his wand and vanished the contents. It was useless now. He grabbed the Murtlap and removed the stopper, applying a few drops to his burn. It tingled for a moment but then the pain eased.

He collapsed into a chair and covered his face with both of his hands. He knew he had hurt Hermione and had probably ruined the relationship they did have, but he couldn't lie to himself. He let his mind wander down a path that it had traveled before over the years. He tried to imagine how his life could have been had circumstances been different between him and Lily, if he'd never broken her heart. But all his mind could conjure were images of Hermione.

Did he love her? If he did, Severus supposed, it was a different kind of love than what he had felt, still felt, for Lily. Maybe it would be best if he left and found some place of his own. Leave Hermione in peace to move on with her life. Be with someone who would treat her well. Love her in the way that she deserved.

 _Not Weasley_ , Severus thought, feeling his anger flare as he remembered the young man's verbal attack. No, Ronald Weasley would never treat Hermione with respect. He was too insecure and, at least to some extent Severus thought, self-loathing. He could understand that. Too many failures in his own life had left a deeply rooted seed of bitterness in his soul. His own shortcomings in his youth had only spurred him on as he got older and was one of the biggest factors in his decision to join the Death Eaters. He had longed for that feeling of belonging. Craved it.

No, Weasley was not the man Hermione needed. He could not match her at mental chess. She needed someone that would stimulate her mind. Severus could not see her being the happy housewife of a dunderhead. Hermione was not the kind of young woman that wanted to get married at this point in her life and start producing children once a year. She wanted to be out in the world and do her part to fix it, or at the very least make a difference in it.

 _I_ _could give her what she needs. What she deserves_. The thought drifted across his mind before Severus could stop it. He was suddenly overcome with visions of his life shared with the young witch who had saved it. She could be, _would be_ , happy with him. He already knew that. But he had screwed that up royally. As fast as they had come, the visions were gone from his mind. They were replaced by ones of Lily, and his heart twisted with guilt. Would she really want him feeling this way? She had been his best friend and been there for him when no one else was. But he had said terrible things to her, chasing her away in the end.

Decades later he still felt the void her absence left in his heart. Could Hermione fill that void inside him? Could he let her? He knew from the months they had already been together that he enjoyed her company enough and that he felt affection for her. But could he let that affection go deeper, evolve even?

Could he actually love her back?

Severus looked up suddenly toward the ceiling when he heard a shout, followed by the sound of a body collapsing. He jumped up from the chair he had been sitting in so fast that it toppled over and he raced up the stairs to the third floor landing, bursting through Hermione's door. He could hear the shower running in her bathroom and went in. She was nude and curled up on the floor of the shower, trying to keep herself as far from the spray as possible.

Severus cursed when he saw her back. Quickly shutting the water off, he grabbed a towel and placed it over her before scooping the young woman into his arms. He kept her wrapped in the towel the best he could to preserve her modesty as he carried her to her bed and laid her down on her stomach. It took a little maneuvering, but he managed it without exposing her.

When he pulled the towel down to look at her back, she flinched as the material rubbed against her irritated skin. She shook beneath him, whether from the pain or from the sensation of cold air against her skin he didn't know. But he had to treat her back before the cuts and burns got worse. Severus asked her to lie still and returned downstairs to gather what he needed and came back up. He could have just as easily summoned the things he needed, but he wanted to give Hermione a moment of space to herself. She was still in the same prone position he had left her in, but was facing away from him when he returned.

"Thank you," she whispered to him as he applied the Murtlap to her skin.

"Of course," he responded quietly. "Your skin was irritated from the hot water, but it may have been that way from rubbing against your robe all night as well. Do you want me to apply some balm to it?"

He watched Hermione nod and began rubbing the balm in gently to the hex burns that were still in bad shape. Her body relaxed significantly under his ministrations, and he swore he heard her sigh at one point. When he finished, Severus pulled the blanket up to her shoulder and told her to rest, assuring her that he would return in a bit to check on her.

He went down the hall to his own room and left the door open. Severus knew he wouldn't be able to hear Hermione very well down here, but it eased his mind knowing he was close should she need him. This was what he couldn't understand. His heart didn't want to let Lily go. Refused to let her go. Yet his mind was completely open to letting someone else in that he clearly cared for. That he had feelings for. He sat there on his bed for what must have been at least an hour. It was getting close to midday and neither he nor Hermione had eaten anything yet. He wasn't feeling particularly hungry, but Hermione may have been.

Severus cracked the door to her room and peered in. She was still lying on her stomach, but facing the door now, her features at rest as she slept. He shut the door quietly and returned downstairs. The least he could do was have something ready for Hermione when she woke. He would check on her again in another hour and see if she needed anything. For now, all he could do was sit and let his mind whirl with confusion and disbelief.

~S~

Hermione wasn't sure what to think when she rolled over a few hours later. Even after what he had told her, Severus still came to her and took care of her when she needed help. It made her head spin too much to dwell on it. She sat up slowly, holding the blanket up to her chest when she remembered she was naked. Severus had scooped her up from the shower and carried her out to her bed where he had applied more solutions to her back to soothe the cuts and burns from the hexes she had taken the day before at the Ministry.

He had said he would return, and she had no doubt that he had. If she had learned nothing else in the years she had known Severus Snape, she knew he was always true to his word. Hermione grabbed her wand from where it lay on her bedside table and summoned some clothes from her wardrobe. After getting dressed, she settled herself by the window and looked down at the street below. Muggles wandered by completely blind to Number Twelve Grimmauld Place as they walked past it and went about their day.

She wondered for a moment what her life would be like if she had never received a letter from Hogwarts telling her she was unique. That she could do magic. She would have grown up knowing no different from the previous eleven years she had spent as a normal girl. She would have most likely gone through the next seven years of her life the same. Bookish and shy, but determined to know everything. Hermione had no doubts she would have applied and been accepted to University. From there she would have most likely gone on to be a professor.

But love would have eluded her.

She would have lived out her days alone, never knowing there could be someone out there to make her happy. To fill in that missing piece of the puzzle that was her life.

But she wasn't in that life. She was a part of the wizarding world. And she knew love, both the best parts and the worst. She loved Severus Snape. And the worst part about it was that she knew he had feelings for her in return. He had already acted on them. And then he had pulled away, both physically and emotionally.

Hermione didn't want to think that his feelings were lost to her forever now, but her mind went back to when she had first realized she was falling in love with him. She had berated herself for ever allowing it to happen in the first place because a relationship between them was not possible. She had thrown all caution to the wind and dove in anyway. At the time she hadn't truly understood why.

But in the last few weeks she had come to realize that she allowed her feelings for Severus to grow because she saw in him a kindred spirit. He was someone she could happily spend the rest of her life with. She and Severus thought the same way. They could argue over facts and theories for hours and arrive at the same conclusion. He matched her in every single way. Every way that Ron could not.

No matter how hard Hermione tried, she could not see herself living out the rest of her days with Ronald Weasley. He would never be as understanding, thoughtful, or trusting of her in the way that Severus was. Severus had let her see him vulnerable, and even trusted her with his fear. That was something Ron would never do. If something was bothering him, he would lie to her and say nothing was wrong. Ron would let it build up inside him until it exploded. She had been witness to his anger on several occasions over the years, including most recently.

Even if they were to start over, Ron would never trust her in the same way again. Nor would she trust him. It would not be a good foundation for a relationship.

But none of this mattered.

Hermione had deluded herself into believing in a future that would never happen, and now she was left with her own fallout.

She turned when she heard footsteps approaching her door. She rose from her place by the window and got back into bed facing away from it. It opened a moment later and she pretended to be asleep. She couldn't face Severus right now. It hurt too much to look at him. To know that no matter what she felt, or how deeply she felt it, he would never look at her the same way. Never gaze upon her with the same affection that she experienced whenever she saw him.

Hermione waited until the she heard the door close again before she let tears begin to fall.

~S~

She didn't return to the Ministry the next day to resume Auror training, nor did she return in the next two days following. Hermione remained in bed lying awake most hours of the day, letting her mind wander. Sometimes wishing she had never allowed her heart to get so close to Severus. Yet she wouldn't trade the love she felt for him for anything. Yes, it pained her, but she didn't care. To give him up would be like asking Hermione to give up her wand and live as a muggle.

She really ought to have returned to the Ministry. The training would keep her mind off thinking about Severus, but she couldn't bring herself to get up other than to use the loo, shower briefly, and put on clean clothes before returning to bed. She warded the door after the first time he came back to check on her, locking him out. Hermione had felt him testing her magic, but her wards remained intact and he walked away, leaving her alone without a word through the door.

Her back felt better after the second day, and a brief glimpse in her bathroom mirror told her it was healed. She slept on and off, not particularly tired but feeling exhausted all the same, as though she had no energy. Her chest ached constantly and her eyes were red from crying. She had never cried so much over one person in all her life. It was out of character for her. Then again, falling in love with her former teacher, someone who had been considered morally repugnant by her own peers, was out of character for her.

But Severus wasn't just someone. He was the one professor she had sought validation from more than the others, solely because he was her only professor that continuously ignored her. Until sixth year. He finally acknowledged her in DADA, only to demean her once she had given her correct response to his question. It was an answer that should have earned her at least five points for Gryffindor, even if she had quoted directly from the textbook, and was what any normal professor would have granted her. Of course, Snape had not been a normal professor. He held his students to a higher standard and expected them to grasp the deeper meaning of whatever it was he was teaching and form their own opinions and answers based on experience and experimentation. Theory only got you so far in his class, be it Defense or Potions. Practical application was where you truly learned.

But having no textbook to teach her on the theory of love and dealing with a broken heart, Hermione didn't know how to feel. Her experience in this field was limited at best. She had never gotten beyond friendship with Viktor Krum, even if they had shared one very brief kiss. And Ron had been a mere blip on the radar as far as romance went. Hermione had spent more time over the years being angry at him than pining over him.

She felt conflicted over her true feelings for Severus. Did she truly love him the way she thought she did? Or was it merely a deeper compassion now that she understood the similarities between them? It certainly was not idolization of him, at least from a personality stand point. Hermione was angry at herself for being so open with him in the first place when he had healed her arm and should have never let her true emotions show. Maybe she should have kept the scar to herself altogether. She honestly had not been expecting him to come downstairs that morning and find her.

She was guilty for thinking that he could just let go of Lily. That he would simply cast his love for her aside in favor of someone living. But as the thought crossed her mind, she found it cruel, and it only reinforced her guilt.

Above all, Hermione felt lost. She didn't know what was right or wrong in her own mind. What was good or bad about her predicament. She just wanted enough time to pass so she could move on.

~S~

Hermione awoke suddenly some time on Friday to the sound of raised voices downstairs. One of them was Harry's. The other was Severus. Harry sounded concerned and angry. Severus sounded calm for now, but she could pick up on the edge in his voice. Counting in her head the days since Monday, Hermione determined it was her fourth day of not returning to the Ministry. Of course Harry would come around to check on her. He would be concerned that she hadn't come back to continue training.

She appreciated her friend looking out for her, but she couldn't find it in herself to care right now. Hermione turned away from the door hoping that the change in position would block out some of the noise, but she had no such luck. Harry was now shouting at Severus and, to her surprise, he was not shouting back. In fact, the only voice she could hear was her friend's, and he was starting to sound livid.

Curiosity got the better of her and Hermione got out of bed. She grabbed her wand and cast a concealment charm over herself so she could listen from the top of the stairs and not be seen. She removed the wards, then opened her door quietly and crept to the banister to look down into the hall below. Severus stood at one end while Harry was pacing back and forth at the other.

"And you thought that was the best way to handle it?" Harry asked, sounding skeptical.

"I do not want, nor do I require, your opinion on this, Potter. It is none of your concern."

"None of my concern," Harry questioned back, facing Severus. "She's my best friend. Of course it's my concern. How could you tell her that?"

"I do not lie," Severus stated firmly. Hermione knew now they were discussing the conversation that had occurred on Tuesday morning between herself and Severus. She felt her chest constrict a little, but remained where she was.

"You didn't have to answer her."

"Even if I had not, she would have known my answer from my silence. You should give her more credit than that, Potter. She _is_ able to read more than just books with that sharp mind."

Harry stopped pacing again and stood in the hallway, hands clasped behind his back. Hermione was sure this was so he would not be tempted to reach for his wand.

"Say certain … things were to happen between you two. Even if Hermione were to tell you she loves you, and you know she means it, you would never return her sentiment? And you would still only think of my mother?"

Hermione held her breath. Her heart thudded against her rib cage in anticipation. She watched Severus where he stood, waiting for his answer. But none came.

 _His silence was the answer_.

So it wouldn't have mattered if she had asked him or not. At some point, even if things had progressed between them, he would still always love Lily Evans. Hermione had a vision for a moment of the two of them together, and in the heat of the moment Severus didn't cry out her name. He cried out for Lily.

Hermione couldn't hear anymore. She turned from the banister and returned to her room, slamming the door behind her.

Harry looked up in shock when he heard the door upstairs. Then he turned his eyes on Snape. To his surprise the older wizard looked ashamed. Ashamed and guilty and … was that _regret_ on his face?

"I hope you're satisfied." Harry said to him.

"Do not dare speak to me in that way about things you do not understand, Potter," Snape spat at him.

"Then explain it to me so that I _can_ understand. And then I can explain it to Hermione. And maybe, _maybe_ she can come out of this in one piece."

"It is not your place to explain anything to her. It is mine," Snape practically growled at him.

Harry gestured to the stairs. "Then by all means, go up there."

"Not until I have said this. Please," Snape motioned for Harry to follow him down into the kitchen. Once there, he poured himself a half glass of firewhiskey and downed it all in one swallow. Harry watched the man contemplate pouring another drink, but he set the bottle down instead. He was obviously warring with something in his mind. Something he clearly didn't want to talk about. Snape let out a huge breath, and Harry watched as some of the tension left his shoulders. Whatever it was he needed to say, it was something he had been wanting to get off his chest for some time. Something he had been putting a great deal of thought into. Something, perhaps, that he had been searching for an answer to that he had found in just the last few days.

"I loved your mother from the first day I met her. I love her still. But the tenor of that love has changed over the years. It started out as a childhood crush. We were two children from very different families and very different upbringings. Yet we were both outcasts. She befriended me, and I accepted her friendship." He paused, closing his eyes, and Harry imagined he was remembering Lily from their childhood.

"I should have never opened myself up to feel as I did for her. I latched on to the gift she gave me and I refused to let it go. That refusal only led to more heartache in later years. It killed me the day I lashed out and called her a mudblood. I knew I had broken her heart. I tried to find her afterward to apologize, but she refused to see me.

"I was selfish and cowardly. I cared more in that moment about belonging to a group of people I barely knew than continuing to find acceptance with the one person I cared for most. In her eyes our friendship was over that day, and she went running into your father's waiting arms only a few years later. But I never forgot about Lily. I still thought of her every day. The absence of her in my life at that time only strengthened my love for her. It was increased ten-fold the day she was murdered.

"I thought at the time that I would never love again the way I loved your mother, Potter. But having been so close to death has made me see that love in a different light. I can still honor her memory, but I know she would not have wanted me to waste this second chance I have been given. And I would not even have it had it not been for Miss Granger … for Hermione.

"Lily would have wanted me to live my life with love in it. That was who your mother was. She would never wish ill will on anyone, no matter the transgression. It has taken me almost twenty years to finally come to peace with that."

Harry stood watching his former professor as he stopped his speech and poured another measure of firewhiskey. He sipped it slowly this time, unable to meet Harry's eyes. Snape sat down and cradled his forehead in his hand. This was the most vulnerable he had never seen the man, and it was making him uncomfortable. He had just revealed one the deepest, most secretive parts of himself. Harry couldn't exactly just walk out after that. Even though his instincts told him to run.

"So you're saying," he started, taking a seat a few feet from the older wizard, "that even though you will always have feelings for my mother, that you are willing to let someone else in?"

Snape nodded.

"And you're willing to let that person be Hermione?"

Snape nodded again.

"Do you love _her_?" Harry asked finally. He watched for a moment. Snape still wouldn't meet his eyes. He simply finished off the whiskey in his glass, saying nothing.

Harry left shortly after their conversation ended. He made it clear that if Severus wasn't going to tell Hermione the truth he was better leaving Grimmauld Place altogether, and Harry would find other arrangements for Hermione so she wouldn't be alone right away.

But Severus didn't want that. He wanted to be here with Hermione. First, he had to fix what he had broken. It wasn't going to be easy, and he had no idea what to say to her. More so, he had to find a way to actually _see_ her. She had warded her door against entry, and while he knew the first time he felt it that he could have broken them, he respected her wish to be left alone and did not seek to disturb her.

His biggest concern the last few days was whether or not she was eating. He knew her to be capable of summoning food if necessary, but was she actually doing it? And how long did he let this go on for before he intentionally broke her wards and barged into her room? It would be purely out of concern, but at what point did he do it? Should he give her another day? A week?

He was dealing with the emotions of an eighteen-year-old witch in love for the first time. With _him_. Nothing he had experienced in his life could have prepared him mentally for this. It would have been easier, preferable even, if she was grieving over Weasley. But the thought of her yearning for the young redheaded wizard made his jealousy rise, and he had a confusing moment of gratitude that her heart wasn't aching over him.

But it was aching.

He felt a fresh wave of guilt wash over him for finding a moment of joy in her pain, and he leaned forward in the chair to bury his face in his hands once more. He didn't know how to handle this. He couldn't even begin to consider what a first step would be. She was twenty years his junior. It was enough to be a generational gap. Severus had barely dealt with the emotions of girls when he himself had been eighteen. Granted there weren't that many, and any girls he had been with were fine with his unspoken rule of no attachment. At the time his heart had belonged to someone else, but that didn't mean he couldn't enjoy the other aspects of being young and male. Most girls had been looking for a quick moment of fun, and he was happy to indulge, if only to take his mind off of his own pain.

Hermione was not like that. He had no idea what her level of experience was or if she even had any. For a moment that didn't matter to him. Then he considered the latter. If she was inexperienced, oh the things he could explore with her. He had learned enough in his youth, then more in later years during his time as a Death Eater. Not that those were memories he wished to draw upon for any means, but he had been exposed to some forms of revelry among the ranks he had found acceptable that did not employ the use of violence or harm. They had merely been exotic, and he was an avid learner.

Undecided for the time being, Severus rose from his seat. The only thing he could do was try to check on her. He didn't know if it would work since it would not be a physical being seeking entry, but he cast his Patronus and sent it upstairs. Severus followed it and stood in the hall watching as the doe sniffed around the knob then turned back to him. All was quiet inside.

He lowered his wand and the spirit vanished. With a last look at Hermione's door he returned downstairs. There was no more for him to do here right now.

~S~

Three weeks passed and Severus barely saw Hermione, save for a flash of her wild hair as she apparated from the downstairs hall to her room or vice versa if she was leaving. She had come out of her room the Monday following Potter's unexpected visit, and he only knew she had come out because he heard the distinctive _pop_ in the hallway. She avoided the kitchen, instead going through the front door, hindered only by the wards over it. If they were not in place Severus was sure he would not see her at all. She would have simply apparated from her room to wherever and back again without having to risk being in his presence.

It caused him no short amount of guilt. And pain, for that matter. She intentionally stayed away from him. If they did happen to cross paths it was never for more than a moment, and then she was gone. But a moment was long enough for him to see the dark circles under her eyes and the weight that she had lost. Not that there had been a lot for her to lose in the first place, but she was painfully thin now. His fear that she was not eating began to creep into his mind once more.

Hermione could not continue on this way, he knew. It would destroy her. Then she would truly be lost to him forever.

He had been trying to learn her schedule, but it changed every couple of days. He assumed she was doing it just to throw him off and keep him from finding a way to corner her, which was wise but also aggravating. There were things he needed to say to her. He only wished for a few moments to get them out. No amount of time would ever truly prepare him to admit what he needed to.

What he _had_ to.

It was a driving force inside him, making his heart want to open up and let her in. He was nowhere near ready, but it was time.

Severus finally found his opportunity when Hermione apparated back on a Friday afternoon at the end of September. He heard the front door open when she arrived, but the distinctive _pop_ did not follow right away. Instead there was silence, and that worried him. He rushed upstairs and looked around, finding her sitting on the landing of the steps with her knees drawn up to her chest.

The moment she saw him she got up and jogged up the stairs out of sight. He followed, only to be met with a locked door. He reached out with his own magic but didn't feel any wards. She had not put them in place.

" _Alohomora_ ," he whispered, pointing his wand at the lock. It clicked softly. He opened the door to find Hermione standing at her window. Her left hand was pressed against the glass, her right gripped her wand. He shut the door quietly behind him and stopped just inside the room.

"Get out," she ordered without turning. "Go away, Severus. Just leave me alone."

"No, I will not. Not anymore, Hermione." He started to walk towards her, his steps slow. "Please, this has to end. You're going to do yourself real harm."

"Like you care. Just go!" Hermione shouted as she looked up, but not at him.

"I do care."

Hermione shook her head. "You don't. I know you don't." She paused and drew in a shuddering breath, then whispered, "You never will."

It was a like a knife in his heart. Her disbelief was completely warranted, and he was truly sorry for that.

"Hermione, please…"

"Don't 'Hermione, please' me, Severus. You made yourself clear. Now just go! Let me be!" She turned and raised her wand. For a moment he feared she was pointing it at him, but she flicked it at her door. He assumed she meant to open it, thus indicating for him to leave. But it didn't budge. It was unresponsive to her nonverbal spell and remained shut.

It suddenly dawned on Severus why he had not heard her Apparate upstairs as soon as she had returned earlier and why there had been no wards on her door. Her magical core was severely weakened. In her current state she was not strong enough to cast even simple spells. He wondered for a moment how she had managed to even Apparate back to Grimmauld place. No matter how she had done it, he was relieved she returned in once piece.

She looked up at him, her eyes shiny with tears. Her wand fell from her hand, and he was not sure she even knew she had dropped it.

"Please, Severus." Her voice was small and defeated. She refused to look up at him. "Please tell me this is just a bad dream. That I'll wake up and none of this will have ever happened."

He felt himself flinch. Was that what she truly wanted? To just forget?

"I can't live like this," she admitted, finally lifting her eyes to meet his.

He closed the distance between them in just a few steps and reached out to her, placing one hand on her shoulder and the other on the side of her neck. "You don't have to. That's what I'm trying to say."

She moved as though to shrug him off, but didn't put much effort in to it. "I know you're never going to feel the same way about me that I do about you."

"That's where you're wrong, Hermione." He moved his hands to cup her jaw now.

He watched her eyes widen slightly as she took in what he said. Her anger had died away with her failed magic, and she just looked exhausted. She needed to be taken care of. She needed help.

"Let me," he offered.

"Let you what?" she asked, her voice thick as tears dropped down her cheeks again.

"Let me be here for you."

"Severus … I need more than that. More than you're willing to give. And I know you won't-"

He silenced her as he leaned down and pressed his lips against hers. At first, Hermione didn't respond. Due to shock, he was sure. But after a few moments she began to return his kiss. Her hands reached out to grasp his waist, he gasped at the contact, but didn't break away otherwise. He kissed her until air became necessary and then finally parted from her.

"Have I made my point?" he asked.

"Not quite." Hermione smiled shyly at him, "But it's a start."

He wrapped his arms around her this time, cradling her head to his chest. It was going to take them both time to heal. But she was right. It was a start.


	11. Comatose

Disclaimer: See Chapter 1

 _I hate living without you  
Dead wrong to ever doubt you  
But my demons lay in waiting  
Tempting me away_

\- Skillet

* * *

Chapter 11

Hermione stood there, hardly able to believe what he had just told her. She didn't bother to stop the stray tears that streaked down her face. They were tears of joy and she reveled in the cool touch of them on her skin. She sniffed and pulled back. Severus reached up and wiped the moisture from her cheeks. He looked a little unsure and she was not certain if his insecurity was stemming from what he had just admitted to her, or because he was faced with a crying woman yet again.

"What do we do now?"She asked.

"Well, I think some restorative potions are in order for you, and then a long night's rest."

Hermione nodded, suppressing a knowing smile. Of course that was what he jumped to. His protective instinct was taking over. "And perhaps some food." He added.

"Are you my Healer now?" She asked, backing out of his arms in order to retrieve her wand from the floor.

"Only if you wish me to be. Otherwise I can leave you to your own devices. However," He paused and glanced around her room, his eyes settling on the most recent plate and empty teapot on her nightstand. She had been summoning tea and toast for herself as sustenance when she could stomach it. "It would seem," He started again in his silky voice, "if I did so I would only be doing the bread supply a significant favor."

Hermione felt her cheeks pink in embarrassment that he had to see the evidence of her laziness from just that morning. She had been in such a haste to leave that she had not bothered to vanish her dishes as she normally did.

"Yes, food does sound…practical."

Severus quirked an eyebrow at her. "Practicality is hardly trivial at this junction. Would you not agree?"

Hermione twirled her wand in her hand thoughtfully. "I suppose so. It seems hardly _practical_ for you to want to offer me your aid if you did not care for me."

"Even if I did not, and as I have already explained to you, my dear, that I do, I would still offer you my aid. It being the least form of repayment that I can give after everything you have done for me."

Hermione felt a real smile try and make an appearance, but she tamped it down and fixed her expression so as to keep her emotions in check. It brought her no small amount of joy to hear the endearment from him once more.

"I never acted in any other way than I saw necessary, Severus."

"And I shall endeavor to do the same, Hermione. Please," He offered her his hand. She started to reach out for it, but drew her hand back, hesitating. Then she reached for him again, closing her eyes as her fingers slipped into his. It felt familiar and natural.

He led her from the room and together they descended the stairs into the basement kitchen. He made her sit and sip fresh, hot tea as he prepared the potions for her. She watched in silence for the longest time, amazed with the fluidity of his movements. Not once did he have to look up an ingredient or direction. He brewed from memory. It saddened her to think that he had wasted so many years of his life in service to two men who wished him to merely collect and manipulate information. He had concocted potions when necessary, such as for Dumbledore after sustaining the curse to his hand, or preparing the Wolfsbane potion for Remus in third year. But he had been denied the opportunity to truly explore his gifts as a Potioneer.

Although Hermione could not recall Severus ever referring to himself as such, it was clear that he was. He could revolutionize the field in a matter of years given the time and chance. He was already deep into his research in the potion she had assisted in creating for the removal of venom from his blood, and who knew what he would achieve in the end with it.

She was truly in awe of him.

"Fair warning," He told her as he handed over a smoking cup, "It is…unpleasant."

Hermione took the cup and inspected the still-bubbling potion within. It had an unappetizing burnt orange color and was slightly viscous. "Can't be any worse than Polyjuice. That's the foulest potion I've ever taken."

"And how many times exactly _have_ you taken that particular concoction?"

"Four. Each worse than the last. Even when I changed to Harry. Just because I knew the shift was going to occur didn't make it any less uncomfortable."

Severus nodded to the cup in her hand. "Comfort is not a worry with this. But rather taste."

Hermione grimaced a little. He made it sound as though the potion in her hand was going to be worse than Polyjuice. She took a breath and tipped the cup back.

"Oh Gods, that is foul." She stated as she coughed and gagged. "But I suppose anything that tastes that bad works the best."

"Indeed," Severus took the cup back and handed her another. This potion was a deep purple, almost navy blue in color. She swallowed it down a little easier. It was not as repulsive, but still distasteful. "Last one." Severus handed her a third cup and she drank it quickly, recognizing the Pepperup potion right away by the effect it had on her body.

"How often do I have to take these?" She asked as she handed him back the last cup.

"Each meal."

"And for how long?"

"Until I say otherwise."

Hermione sighed and gave him a look. "And if I refuse?"

"That is your choice, Hermione. But I would assume if you wish to return to the Ministry on Monday and continue with your training you will want to have the ability to actually cast spells." Severus bottled up the three potions as he spoke and put them aside for use later. He had not made that much, enough for tomorrow only by the looks of it. So, he intended to brew fresh for her until she no longer required the potions. It was what she had done for him while he had been in recovery. The fresher the potion the better it worked. It was a sign that he did indeed care for her. He was willing to take the time each day to do this for her instead of making huge batches in advance and leaving them to sit.

Hermione rose from her seat and walked over to stand beside him. She waited until he finished cleaning out the last cauldron before reaching down to take his hand. She squeezed it gently to get his attention, then gazed up at him when he turned to face her.

"Thank you, Severus. Now it's your turn to help me recover."

"I believe I still have some recovery of my own to accomplish. And while it is not in the form of any physical wound, it is no less significant or painful."

"It's time to stop grieving and learn to live again." Hermione stated, for both their benefit.

"It is. I must let go of a part of myself that I have allowed to dictate the tenor of my relationships. But having lived thus for the last twenty years it will be difficult to part with."

"I can be patient, Severus. I know you need time to process the things that have been said. I need the time to accept that what you still feel for Lily is not the same as what you feel for me."

Hermione flinched when he squeezed her hand this time, his grip tight. His hand shook slightly in hers but then it passed, along with the pressure. He let her hand go and reached up cupping her face in his palms. She wrapped her hands around his waist tipping her head back as he leaned down and kissed her.

It was slow and gentle. He didn't try to rush her or push her boundaries. He took his time as he glided his lips across hers with a soft pressure. It was almost as though he was frightened of a repeat of that morning three weeks ago when she had initiated the kiss between them and he had lost control for a few minutes giving in to his baser instincts.

Hermione wasn't going to lie to herself and say she wasn't intrigued by his reaction, because she had been. In the heat of the moment she hadn't been afraid of letting things go too far between them. But now that they slowed down Hermione knew that a fast pace was not for them. Not yet at least.

Despite that she had never felt anything like that before - and Gods did she long to feel it again - Hermione did not want to rush into the physical part of a relationship. For one reason, she had hardly any experience to go on. And for another, she did not believe Severus was eager to explore that particular aspect this early on. Even if his body did argue otherwise.

They broke apart suddenly, Severus dropping his hands to her hips to maintain contact, and turned to face the door together at the sound of someone coughing. Harry stood there looking dumbfounded, his mouth hanging open in shock. "Um…sorry. I wasn't expecting…Shall I wait upstairs?"

Hermione exchanged a look with Severus and he turned back to her friend. "Not necessary. I believe we're done for the time being." He stated.

"Only if you promise more later." She requested quietly.

Severus looked down at her, offering a small indulgent smile. "We'll see."

They stepped away from each other then and Hermione walked around the table to greet her friend. He hugged her back but it felt a little awkward.

"Sorry," She whispered to him.

"Don't be. I should have floo'd you first to let you know I was coming by. I wanted to make sure you got back all right. You've had me worried the last few days since your defensive spellwork has been getting weaker."

Hermione opened her mouth to respond. However, Severus beat her to it.

"Her magical core is depleted, but I'm already working to rectify that. She'll be in good form by Monday." He stated from where he stood in front of another cauldron, beginning to mix ingredients for what Hermione recognized as the venom extrusion potion.

She threw him a sharp look. She was capable of explaining the situation herself. But then she realized that she would most likely have answered Harry's comment by making her weak spells seem trivial. He would have never believed her and probably have looked to Severus for the truth.

"I figured as much. How many short Apparations did you have to do to get back?"

"Four," Hermione answered. "And it's a good thing it was only that many. If I had had to Apparate one more time I would have probably splinched myself."

"I was curious to know how you managed to Apparate back here and then not be able to perform magic at all." Severus looked up briefly from his cauldron to her. "I am grateful you returned in one piece." He told her sincerely.

"As am I. I knew when I woke up this morning that my magic was running on its last reserve. That's why I left the Ministry early today." Hermione turned back to Harry, "I needed all that I had left to get back here."

"Next time, ask me for side-along Apparation."

"There will not be a next time, Potter." Severus stated, eyes back on the cauldron as he began stirring. His tone sounded a bit patronizing to her. As though Harry should have not bothered to make the comment because Hermione would not be feeling the need to cause her body the same amount of stress she had been putting it through the past few weeks.

"All right, change of subject, please?" Hermione asked. "Dinner?"

"Are you eating?" Harry asked seriously.

"Now that is a fair inquiry, Potter."

"Hush," Hermione turned to Severus with a glare. She looked back to her friend. "Of course I am. Anything in particular you feel like having?"

"Whatever you decide, Hermione."

Severus sighed to himself at Potter's response. It was typical Gryffindor chivalry, letting the woman decide. He flicked his wand and cast a stasis charm over the cauldron then set his quill down and glanced over his notes. He was continuing to make some progress, but without individuals suffering from venom inflicted injuries he was at an impasse in his research. He picked the quill back up and corrected a notation then set it back down again. He felt Hermione brush against him as she walked past to go to the stove and turned in time to catch her hand. She looked back at him and smiled shyly before letting go.

"What are you working on?" Harry asked, trying to make conversation as he sat in a chair on Severus's other side. Severus wasn't above accepting it, but he _was_ trying to think.

"I am attempting to modify and produce variations on the potion that Miss Granger assisted in creating to remove the venom from my blood."

"Is this for St. Mungo's, or your own personal interest?"

"Both. Right now, I am pursuing my own interest, as you say, but I hope to be able to apply it as a magical remedy in the future."

Potter nodded. Severus could tell the young man still had something else on his mind, but was reluctant to continue.

"What else is going on in that head yours, Potter?"

"Just thinking."

"How remarkable." Severus commented dryly.

"About Hermione…and you."

Severus set his quill down once more, letting out a quiet sigh. He pinched the bridge of his nose for a moment and then pulled a chair out and sat down a little distance from the younger wizard. He supposed this conversation had to happen eventually, and since Hermione was engrossed at the other end of the kitchen, there was a very low chance she would overhear.

"Whatever you need to say, please do not hesitate." Severus stated, opening the discussion between them.

"I really am happy for you both. I just want to make sure that this is what you want. You and Hermione. I don't mean to doubt your feelings for her, I'm just unsure of your intentions. She's seen enough tragedy, felt enough pain in her life. I just don't want to see her hurt anymore."

"Your concern for her is admirable, but let me speak plainly. I have no intention of causing her any more pain. To do so would only bring me the greatest agony. I only wish to be with her. In every way that she will let me. I will protect her until the day I die." Severus vowed, hardly believing the words were coming out of his mouth, let alone that he was saying them to the most unlikely person he thought possible.

"That's good enough for me." Potter stated. "And I wish you both the best in this. You deserve it."

Severus was taken aback by the young man's acceptance, but he nodded his thanks and picked up his quill again. He obviously saw something in his and Hermione's relationship that was beneficial, and Potter wanted that for them.

"Thank you," He said quietly, not looking up from his notes.

~S~

The next few weeks passed quickly and the end of October approached, bringing the beginnings of winter cold even though the seasonal change was months away. Severus found Hermione escaping to the library more often in the evening when she settled down to read, taking advantage of the huge fireplace that the room offered. She would curl up on the couch with her book and let the heat from the flames wash over her. After a week on the restorative potions, her magic returned to its full strength and she was able to cast an _Incendio_ charm that filled the entire hearth at first before the flames reduced to a normal height.

He joined her on occasion, choosing books that focused on venomous creatures, toxin poisoning, and advanced potion brewing. Many of the recipes he came across were intended for Dark Arts practicing, which did not surprise him considering the house they were living in. Hermione seemed inclined to read anything that struck her fancy. This did nothing to shock him. She had a constant thirst for knowledge that matched his own. He often watched her over the top of his own book. She would sit curled into one side of couch closest to the fire, her legs drawn up and tucked under her, her book magically suspended so she would not have to hold it and try to turn pages at the same time.

She took up such a posture tonight as she settled onto the couch opposite his arm chair, her elbow propped up on the armrest of the couch so she could rest her chin in her palm. It was a thoughtful pose, one she adopted often when she was engrossed in something she found particularly interesting.

"I take it the subject matter is intriguing." Severus commented, after thirty minutes or so of companionable silence had passed between them.

"Quite," Hermione offered not looking up as she turned a page.

Severus had not made much progress in his own text, having been too consumed with watching the young witch as her eyes scanned across each page before moving on to the next. He enjoyed the way her eyebrows rose when she came across a surprising, or perhaps thought-provoking passage. He set his own book down on the small circular end table and leaned back in his chair. Hermione didn't notice the shift and continued reading.

Watching the young witch read always seemed to spark a feeling of warmth in his own chest. It was the way she allowed herself to become so absorbed by the material. Everything else around her fell away, and all that mattered was the written word in front of her. He wondered how far back this passion went. He knew that she had always been a studious young woman, but had she been the same in her years before Hogwarts? He had not used Legilimency on her before, considering it an invasion of her privacy to delve into the depths of her mind without telling her. But if he did it subtly she may not notice.

Severus reached out with his mind, feeling along the edges of Hermione's. He probed gently seeking entrance. He focused on her most recent memory of the book she was reading. A study on defense against dark spells and wizards who had successfully employed the practice in battle. She had come across an example of wand wielding that she had not known about before when casting a defensive spell.

He followed that feeling of excitement towards another memory. This time it was about him when he revealed a few weeks ago that he truly cared for her. The emotion in the memory changed to that of pleasure, making him curious. He forgot about his initial interest and followed this new path instead.

The memory focused around their kiss, shifting to the one she initiated between them the morning after she was injured at the Ministry. The feeling of pleasure intensified, becoming that of desperate desire. He watched the two of them writhe together on her bed. He couldn't fight the burst of arousal in his body as he watched himself from her mind's eye rock above her and felt the jolt that went through her when he had pushed his erection into her core.

Severus pulled back and did his best to appear unaffected by what he had just seen and felt. He took a deep breath in and let it out slowly before opening his eyes. Hermione was staring at him, regarding him.

"Is something wrong?" She asked, her expression registering concern for a moment.

"No, not at all." Severus responded quickly. He got up from the chair and made sure his coat was straight before crossing the space between them. "I am a bit tired, though. I think I'll turn in for the evening." He leaned down and kissed the top of her head. "Sleep well, my dear." He wished her.

"And you," Hermione bade him in return. He turned to go, feeling her eyes on his back the entire way to the door.

Once Severus was in his room he sat down on the side of the bed and thought back to the morning he had recently seen in Hermione's head. He replayed the memory from his own perspective, trying to recall the sensation of her under him as they moved together. It filled his entire body with an ache he couldn't ignore, and he knew then that he craved the young witch in a way he had not anticipated happening again this soon after confessing his feelings to her. It had been unexpected when it had happened before, and he had given himself over to the thrill of her touch. It had been so long since he felt that way, and he had reveled in it.

But where did that leave him now? Was this something he was ready to explore with Hermione? Not that he hadn't slept with other witches in the past, he had. Once again he debated the level of Hermione's experience. Clearly it was something she wanted with him. He considered his recent foray into her mind. There had been little to no resistance from her and he wondered if she had offered up those particular memories on purpose because she knew he was there.

That would mean she deliberately showed them to him. She wanted to excite him. Severus felt his eyebrows quirk at this thought. He wondered if this was something she thought about on a regular basis.

But he couldn't put much more deliberation into it this evening. He felt unusually tired now. Rising, he began to unbutton his frock coat, letting his mind wander down a safer path.

~S~

Hermione watched Severus leave the library, her eyes on the back of his head as he walked out. She hadn't said anything when she felt him infiltrate her mind a few minutes ago, curious to know what he had been searching for. At first she felt him poking gently around at her most recent memory of the new information she had come across in her book. He followed that feeling of excitement back to a memory from a few weeks prior when he finally admitted how much he truly cared for her. Hermione valued her privacy, and she would speak to him later about this unauthorized invasion of her mind, but not before she gave something to look at. He lingered on the memory of his admission, and then she pushed the next one on him, building on the feeling of excitement. It was the morning after she had been injured at the Ministry. She played out the scene for him from her perspective letting him get a dose of the desire she had felt for him in that moment when he rocked against her.

Severus had pulled back from her mind so quickly she thought she had frightened him away. She kept an impassive expression and asked him if he was all right. He had made up the excuse of being tired and left.

Now that he was gone Hermione thought that maybe she shouldn't have gone so far with her memory. But it had been three weeks since he had confessed his feelings to her, and they had barely moved beyond a tender kiss here or there. They hadn't even had a good snog since that eventful morning. Not that she was desperate, but she knew he wanted it as much as she did. There had to be a point where he was comfortable enough in their budding romance to move to the next step with her.

She was curious. And she wanted to know what it was like.

~S~

Hermione was surprised by how easily a routine had developed between her and Severus over the course of the month. They fit together as easily as two adjoining puzzle pieces. Even their bad tempers and occasional moodiness coexisted pleasantly side by side. They couldn't remain angry at each other for long, both too highly logical for excuses. That and one of them always figured out a solution as to why they were bickering in the first place and it almost always made sense.

"You have to go, Severus. It's an Order of Merlin." Hermione nagged at him from across the kitchen table, rereading the letter that had arrived just that morning from the Ministry.

"I do not want it, nor do I deserve it, Hermione. So therefore, I will not be attending."

"You don't want an Order of Merlin First Class that you actually deserve, but back in third year you let slip that Remus was a werewolf because you lost out on the one Fudge promised you for capturing Sirius?"

"Are you saying I behaved in a childish manner?" Severus questioned. Hermione quirked her eyebrow at him, giving him a knowing look. He sighed in response. "Perhaps I did act a little…irrationally."

"Back to the point." Hermione glanced at the letter again. "You're being awarded for years of bravery, for all of the time you spent as a spy on our side. You need to go."

"I'm not a hero, Hermione. Did Potter happen to mention why I turned sides in the first place? Because I was the one that overheard the prophecy Sibyll made and reported it back to Voldemort. I'm the reason Lily and her family were marked for death. That's why I defected from the Death Eaters. Albus wanted me to serve as spy for him in repayment for what he did to try and protect the Potters."

"But you didn't have to do that, Severus. You chose to switch sides out of love."

"Blast it, Hermione! I'm not a good man! I've committed atrocious crimes, tortured innocent people. You're in love with a fantasy." He snapped suddenly.

Hermione was completely taken aback, staring at him, her mouth hanging open in shock. "I…" She started, but stopped herself. "Is that what you truly believe?"

Severus dropped his gaze to the table. He couldn't look her in the eye for several moments, but then let out a long breath. "No, I'm not sure what I believe anymore." He admitted quietly.

Hermione pushed her chair back and walked around the table to sit in the one beside him. She set the letter down between them. "Do you believe me?"

"Of course I believe you."

"Then why don't you believe anything I say?"

Severus sighed, "Because I know myself better than that."

"I don't believe that man exists anymore in the capacity that he once did, Severus." Hermione reached out placing her hand over his. "You've changed. You do see that, don't you?"

"I feel it." He admitted, looking at her and holding her gaze with his own. "But I still see the same man in the mirror every morning."

"And I still see a bookish, know-it-all, Severus. But I'm not the same girl that I was seven years ago."

"No, you're wiser, braver, and much stronger."

Hermione offered him a small smile in gratitude, but she shook her head at the same time. "This isn't about me. I want to know if you believe that you've changed over the years."

Severus reached out and cupped the side of her face. She sighed and leaned in to his touch. She always loved it when he did this. "I like you like this." She stated.

"How so?"

"Gentle, agreeable. You're still listening to me, so I know you've been considering everything that I say." She watched him for a moment, and took his silence as a response to continue. "I see a changed man, Severus. Or at the very least, the man you were meant to be, as I've always said. And not anyone's puppet forced to wear a mask."

"Yes," he admitted finally. "You're right. However, that doesn't mean I won't repeat old habits."

"I never said you were perfect." Hermione smiled coyly at him, "But don't try and change the subject yet. We aren't done discussing the letter."

"Yes we are." He said it with a touch of finality in his voice. The topic would remain open between them, but all discussion at the moment was to desist. He motioned for her to get up, and then pulled her down into his lap. "We'll come back to it later." He granted. Then leaned in and pressed his lips against hers before she had a chance to protest further.

~S~

By the end of October Hermione had settled into her new career as an auror and felt that she was progressing at an acceptable pace. She, Harry, and Neville had moved on to practicing the Memory Charm on each other with Kingsley overseeing.

They would converse for about five to ten minutes about anything and then attempt to wipe the memory of that conversation from each other's minds. Kingsley would then ask details about the conversation to see how effectively the charm had been executed. Hermione had no trouble. She had performed the charm before, and had effectively wiped her parents' minds of her existence. Years of memories gone.

It had been over twelve months and she missed them fiercely. But they were half a world away and safe. That was what mattered most to her. She longed to send them a letter, maybe find a way of introducing herself back into their lives. Every time the idea crossed her mind, though, she thought of the Death Eaters still out there knowing they would be capable of tracing letters even across continents.

She saw Ron on occasion and attempted to engage him in conversation. He would only grunt at her and offer a quick 'hello' then continue on his way. They had had no real contact with each other for a month now. Even though they had gone longer than that without speaking, this time it was different. This time she wasn't trying to get him to talk so they could work things out between them as a couple. She had moved on to be with Severus. She only wanted to talk to Ron to let him know she was still his friend, still wanted to be involved in his life. However, it appeared he didn't want anyone involved in his life right now. Not even Harry, as her friend had told her.

At the end of another week, Kingsley assembled them all together to announce that he was going to be combining the two classes now that they were at the same level. They were all proficient in dueling, and they were all progressing well with the Memory charm. All six trainees would now come in each day for eight hours, but half of that time Harry would be in charge. Kingsley's new role as Minister for Magic was beginning to take up more of his time and as such he would not be able to devote as much to his trainees as he wanted. He let them all leave early as he had other business to attend to, but come Monday all six would be required to show up and he promised to have weekly plans set for Harry to follow.

"I'm going to drop by St. Mungo's and see how late Severus will be tonight." Hermione said to Harry as she gathered her things from her cubicle. "Maybe we can get together for a drink in a bit?"

Harry looked over to Ron's cubicle to pass the invitation along, but he was already gone. He turned back to Hermione. "Yeah, all right. Is he coming to the ceremony on Sunday night?"

"Yes, I managed to convince him. He'll accept the medal, though he still doesn't believe he's earned it."

"Kingsley is awarding one to Remus and to Professor McGonagall as well."

"I heard," Hermione said sadly. "I wish he and Tonks were still here. How is Teddy doing?"

"Flourishing. Driving Andromeda crazier each day the more mobile he becomes."

"I bet." Hermione draped her beaded bag over her shoulder and turned back to her friend. "So, maybe I'll see you in a little bit."

"All right, I'll be at the Burrow."

"Then take this." Hermione dug around in her bag until she pulled out one of the two coins from the D.A. that she charmed to communicate only with each other. "We can each modify the message back and forth. I'll let you know in a bit."

Harry took the coin and stuffed it in his pocket. "Will it still get warm?"

"Yes, I didn't remove that part of the spell, only improved on the communication."

"Brilliant. Well, if you see him tell Snape I said 'hello'."

"I'll see him, and I'll pass your message along."

They walked out together and Hermione took one of the fireplaces to an approved Apparition point outside the Ministry, then Disapparated a moment later and reappeared outside the hidden entrance to St. Mungo's. She walked inside and waved to the witch at the reception desk.

"He's in the laboratory." She told Hermione with a knowing smile.

"Thanks, Roberta." Hermione smiled back and headed for the basement.

Hermione stopped in the doorway to the potions laboratory watching Severus as he stood beside the apprentice potioneer instructing the young man on the proper procedure of adding an antidote to a detoxification potion drop by drop until the brew took on the correct consistency and color. He sounded a little irritated, but he was trying to not let it show. He stepped back and returned to his personal workstation, his back to her.

"As a Gryffindor your robes appeal to me." Hermione stated, and Severus turned in surprise, but not displeased to see her, "But I do have to say that red is _not_ your color."

He smirked at her and glanced at the junior potioneers and the apprentice as chuckles broke out behind him.

"I'm inclined to agree with you." He stated tensely, and turned back to his work. Hermione felt herself frown and walked over to him placing her hand between his shoulder blades, rubbing softly.

"What's wrong?" She asked quietly, wanting to keep the conversation between them.

"Nothing, my apologies. Just a bit tired." Severus pinched the bridge of his nose.

"You've been saying that a lot the last few weeks."

He turned to her and offered her a small smile. "Tell me, what is my color?" He asked in an attempt to put her at ease as he tried to change the subject. Hermione let him, for now. But something was bothering him.

"Black," she said, watching his smile widen infinitesimally. "But I suppose because that's the only color I've ever seen you wear, it's hard to imagine you in anything else."

They stood in silence for a moment as she watched him take notes on the potion he was working with. It was the venom extrusion potion that she had helped create with her theory of basilisk venom being used to counteract the venom from Nagini. He was still working to improve it and expand its use for other venomous creatures.

Hermione reached out and placed her hand over his when he set his quill down on the table. "Will you tell me what's troubling you? This isn't a lack of sleep."

Severus sighed, "I'm just feeling a little off. That's all."

Clearly he wasn't in a divulgatory mood. "All right," Hermione leaned up and kissed his cheek. His skin was a little clammy and warmer than usual. She pulled back giving him a look.

"Severus, you're running a fever."

"It's warm in here."

Hermione noticed then that his hand she was still holding on the table was trembling. She reached up pressing the back of it to his forehead.

"Severus, you need to go upstairs."

He shook his head. "No, I'm fine." But his eyes screwed shut as if he were in pain and his hand gripped the edge of the table. He stumbled to the side but caught himself.

"Severus," Hermione grabbed his arm to steady him then turned over her shoulder. "Get a Healer." She demanded to the junior potioneers behind her. They and the apprentice scrambled out. Hermione turned back to Severus taking both of his arms to hold him. His eyes, normally bright and piercing, were out of focus now and he couldn't seem to get his balance.

Hermione pulled him down slowly so that he was on his knees and she knelt in front of him. Then she watched in horror as his eyes rolled to the back of his head and he collapsed onto his side.


	12. Erase This

Disclaimer: See Chapter 1

 _It's too late to change your mind  
Even though this fragile world  
Is tearing apart at the seams  
We can't wash these sins away  
This sinking feeling everyday  
I'm waking up in someone else's life_

\- Evanescence

* * *

Chapter 12

"Severus!" Hermione crouched beside him and quickly undid the top buttons of his coat, untied his cravat, and opened the collar of his shirt so she could press her hand to his neck. His pulse beat rapidly beneath her fingers. "Severus," She touched his face, but realized he was unconscious and would not respond to her.

Hermione moved to kneel behind his head and cradled it in her lap keeping her hand on his neck to monitor his pulse. The junior potioneers returned a moment later followed by Smethwyck. He conjured a stretcher and levitated Severus on to it. Hermione got up and followed him out as he moved the stretcher upstairs

"What happened?" Smethwyck asked.

"I'm not exactly sure. I came by to see him and was about to leave when I noticed he had a fever and was shaking."

"And then he just collapsed?" Smethwyck glanced at her, his eyes on the stairs as he levitated the stretcher up them and down the hall to the first floor ward.

"Yes. Could this be a reaction to any latent venom still lingering in his blood?"

"It's possible. We'll know in a few minutes. Let's get him to a bed first." Smethwyck stopped the stretcher in a private room and levitated Severus's still unconscious form on to the bed. "Do you mind removing his robes and I will return in a moment?"

Hermione nodded and vanished the burgundy Potioneer robes then finished unbuttoning his coat and shirt underneath. She stepped out for a minute as two Healers came in and finished changing him into hospital pajamas. When she returned inside Smethwyck was casting a diagnosis spell over Severus.

"He is definitely running a temperature and his pulse is a bit too fast. Other than that I cannot determine anything wrong." He turned to Hermione, "The only way we will know if there is still venom in his blood would be to give him the antidote and see how he reacts to it."

She nodded and took a seat in the chair beside the bed. Smethwyck directed one of the Healers for the ward to get the antidote and to let the Head Potioneer on duty know that the venom extrusion potion may be needed and to get started on it.

"Wait, before she does that," Hermione cut in, knowing the other Head Potioneers were both female, "Severus has been working on improving it. His notes may be downstairs."

"Would you mind checking?" Smethwyck asked her.

"Not at all. And if they're at Grimmauld Place I can pop over there and grab them." Hermione stated as she rose. She followed the Healer down to the basement and into the Potions laboratory where she began to search through Severus's notes on his workstation. Luckily he had a copy of his most recent research with him and she let out a little noise of victory.

"I assume you found his notes." Madame Bowery said behind her as she walked in.

"Yes, may I assist? I've been observing him when he works on this."

"Please, I would appreciate the help. His handwriting is sometimes very difficult to decipher."

They worked together for the next few hours preparing ingredients and brewing the potion while Severus was given the antidote to start. By the time Hermione and Madame Bowery had the potion underway, his condition had not improved, and he seemed to be getting worse. It still needed a little more time to mature, so all they could do was wait.

Hermione returned upstairs to sit beside him until Madame Bowery came up with the potion. When it was ready she made a cut on the inside of his right arm to give the potion entrance and venom exit and set the cauldron to levitate over a small table next to the bed. She placed a stasis charm over the cut so that it would not bleed and then took a seat on the other side of the bed. Hermione was thankful when she remained until they were sure the potion would work. After thirty minutes had passed drops of venom finally began to flow out of the wound and Madame Bowery cast the same charm from before to direct them to the small bowl beside the cauldron.

"We'll let it work overnight and see how much comes out. His research has increased the strength of this potion, but it may still not remove all of the venom."

"I understand. We can only do what we can." Hermione watched the even rise and fall of Severus's chest, grateful that he was alive, but fearful for him all the same. What would happen in another few months if all of the venom was not removed? What if it couldn't be? Would this relapse happen on a cycle for the rest of his life?

"Try and get some rest, dear. It's going to be a long night. I'll be downstairs making more of this potion if anything happens. Smethwyck is also on duty all night as well."

"Thank you,"

Hermione curled up in the chair next to Severus's bed wishing she could lay beside him instead.

~S~

When consciousness returned to him the first thing Severus saw was the backs of his eyelids. He opened first one eye and then the other and was greeted with Hermione's softly smiling face.

"Welcome back." she said quietly to him and leaned over to kiss his forehead.

"What happened?" he asked as Hermione sat back in her chair. She scooted it a little closer and took his hand holding it between both of hers.

"You had a reaction to the venom that was still in your blood." She explained. "Madame Bowery and I brewed your latest version of the potion and let it work for forty-eight hours to get the remaining toxin out."

He felt an eyebrow quirk at the mention of his 'latest version' of the potion, but then remembered that that was what he had been working on in the laboratory before losing consciousness. "I'm glad to know that it works effectively."

"Very effectively. It only took so long because the venom was so deeply rooted inside you."

"How much?"

"Not as much as we thought there would be, but apparently enough to have the effect that it did. You've been out for almost three days."

"Three days?" He thought for a moment. "That would make today…"

"Monday, lunchtime actually."

"Have you been here the entire time?"

"I only left your side once in order to help brew the potion."

He tried to smile at her, but he was still feeling too drained. "Thank you, Hermione."

She leaned over and kissed him on his lips this time. He kissed her back with the little energy that he had, glad that she was there with him.

~S~

"How long exactly am I going to have to remain in bed this time?" He asked as Hermione got him settled after they had returned from St. Mungo's the following afternoon.

"Only a few days. Kingsley will be stopping by tomorrow to present you with your Order of Merlin since you missed the ceremony on Sunday. Don't give me that look, you're not getting out of it. Just be grateful you no longer have to accept it front of a crowd."

"Was there an announcement in the _Prophet_ about it?"

"Yesterday morning." Hermione stated. She sat down on the side of bed. "Basically it said you were unable to attend having suffered a relapse from injuries sustained on May 2nd during the battle. There wasn't much detail. The article covered more about Remus and how he was the first werewolf to be awarded, even though it was posthumously. It was very moving. I saved it if you want to read it later."

"I would, yes."

"I'll bring it up in a bit. Try and rest a little. I'll be downstairs." She leaned in and kissed his forehead and then was gone.

Severus didn't know how long he slept for, but when he awoke Hermione was in her customary armchair beside his bed. Her knitting needles clicked quietly in midair as she read the book in her lap. He started to sit up a little straighter and his movement made her glance at him.

"Nice nap?" She asked, setting her book aside and casting her knitting needles down.

"I suppose."

Hermione drew her legs up into the chair and tucked them beneath herself, a serious expression on her face. "How long were you feeling unwell for?"

"A couple of weeks." Severus admitted hesitantly. "I did not know if the cause was from any remaining venom, so I said nothing. I didn't want to worry you."

Hermione let out a breath and rose from her chair. She got up on the bed beside him and curled into his side. He wrapped an arm around her to draw her nearer and kissed the top of her head.

"Next time, Severus, let me know if you need me." She told him as she looked up at him. "I was frightened half to death when you collapsed." Her voice was a whisper as she said this and he could hear the fear in her tone.

"I'm sorry I put you through that, Hermione. I promise next time I will tell you when I need you."

He felt her smile against his chest. "You better."

~S~

Ron sat at his desk the following Monday evening finishing a brief analysis of his own use of the Memory charm before leaving for the day. All of the trainees were to write self-assessments of how they thought they were progressing thus far, and then Kingsley and Harry would both offer feedback. This was something new Kingsley had decided to try in order to reinforce the importance of well-executed spellwork. Becoming an auror was not something done on a whim. You had to have nerves of steel and not be afraid to put yourself in danger at a moment's notice. A well-cast shield charm could be the difference between life and death.

Ron heard the scratch of Hermione's quill two cubicles down and imagined her bent over her piece of parchment scribbling away in her tiny scrawl. She was probably not only assessing her skills, but offering facts and other testimonial about improvement.

It made him smile to think of her that way. Always the academic over-achiever. But it was how her mind worked, how it had always worked. She analyzed and presented conjecture on everything. Maybe he would ask Hermione to take a look at his assessment and see if she agreed with it. It had been a while since they had spoken beyond a daily greeting and farewell. He was still sore over what had happened in Diagon Alley, but she hadn't mentioned Snape once since then.

He wanted to think nothing was going on between them. But the image of her taking Snape's hand and saying she had moved on was burned into his memory. He would never forget it, nor the heartache that followed. She had not named Snape as the one she had moved on to, but Ron knew deep down that was the truth. She had been in love with him for weeks, maybe even months before that.

He set his quill down and began to roll up his assessment, ready to leave, when he remembered that he wanted to ask Hermione's opinion on it. It made him feel oddly nostalgic for their Hogwarts days when he would ask her to look over his homework. He picked up the parchment and took a breath before heading down to her cubicle.

Hermione was still scrawling away. He watched as she completed a couple more inches, the parchment neatly rolling itself up at the top as she went. It lengthened as she reached the end, giving her more space to write. "Neat little charm." Ron commented quietly to get her attention. She turned over her shoulder with a surprised look.

"Oh, Ron. I thought you'd left. Um…how are you?"

"Ok. I…uh…just wanted to ask your opinion about my…this." He waved his rolled up assessment.

"Of course," Hermione held her hand out and he gave it to her. She waved her wand and a chair appeared for him to sit beside her. she unrolled the parchment and began reading. He took the seat as he considered how much more advanced her spellwork had become in the last few months. She had always been the brightest student in their class, but he hadn't known she was capable now of summoning objects from otherwise unknown places.

"You're getting really…um…good with your spells, 'Mione."

"Thanks. I…"She started to say, and glanced sideways at him, and shook her head. "I've just been practicing a lot." She went back to reading his assessment.

Ron looked around her small cubicle. She had added a few personal touches. She had a Gryffindor pennant pinned up, as well a few pictures of the three of them, her, Ron, and Harry, spanning their Hogwarts years. They laughed and smiled at each other happily in the pictures, waving to whomever had taken them. Ron suspected Hagrid, or maybe Ginny. She had clipped the article that had appeared in the _Prophet_ covering the ceremony Kingsley had given to award McGonagall, Lupin, and Snape with Orders of Merlin First Class. Ron had attended to hear the speech Kingsley gave for Remus, and had been surprised when Snape didn't show up. He would have thought the greasy git would be first in line after the stink he had made in third year following Sirius's escape from Hogwarts.

The article had mentioned him being in St. Mungo's that night, suffering from a reaction to the wounds he got during the battle. He glanced at Hermione, remembering that she hadn't been there that night either. Had she been with Snape in St. Mungo's?

"Hermione?" He asked, getting her attention again.

"Hm," She didn't look up from the parchment.

"Do you know why Snape wasn't there for the Order of Merlin ceremony?"

"He had a relapse from the venom in his blood. But we removed it all." She folded the parchment up a bit to get to the bottom and kept reading.

" _We_ "? Ron asked, confused.

"Myself and Madame Bowery. I helped her brew the potion to remove the venom. Severus has been working on improving it."

"So you two are…friends then?" Ron asked next, obviously meaning Snape.

Hermione finally finished reading and set the parchment down. "Is that why you really came over here, Ronald?" Her tone was sharp, and a little short. He winced internally. He didn't want Hermione to think he was simply trying to use her. But he wanted information, more specifically he wanted the truth. Even though he knew it would hurt him.

"No, I honestly wanted you to read that. I was just looking around and saw the article. Um…what do you think?"

Hermione sighed and looked to his self-assessment. "I think you're selling yourself short. You're capable of a lot more than you give yourself credit for, Ron. Both Kingsley and Harry know that." She handed him back the parchment. "I would think more on it before handing it in."

Ron took it and rolled it back up. "Right, thanks." He rose and the chair vanished as he got to his feet. "And thanks for reading it."

"Any time." She offered him a small smile.

Ron stood there for a moment, thinking it over in his mind. He missed her, he knew he did. But certain things had been said between them, actions made that he couldn't forget. But that didn't mean she was no longer his friend. Right?

"What's on your mind, Ron?" Hermione asked, clearly seeing the thought process on his face.

"I…I want to talk. About…well, everything really."

Both of her eyebrows raised in surprise. Whatever she had been expecting him to say, it wasn't that. "Really?" She sounded as though she couldn't believe he had actually said it.

Ron nodded. "Yeah. I just want to…you know, clear the air between us. It's weird seeing you every day and not talking to you like we used to. I just want to…to understand where things went wrong. And if…maybe…"

"Ron, things will never be as they were between us." Hermione stated bluntly. "And I'm not saying that to be mean. It's the truth. I know you'll never trust me in the same way you once did. And honestly I don't know if I can trust you the same way either. I mean, that day at Grimmauld Place when you cast that curse, I know you weren't casting it at me, but _I_ was the one you were initially pulling your wand out against."

Ron still thought about that afternoon often. He knew he never should have reached for his wand. But it had been instinct. He was beyond angry. His hand had closed around it before he could even think about what he was doing. He felt threatened in that moment for a reason he couldn't understand. His mind immediately went into survival mode, mostly because of the "former" Death Eater standing in the hallway with them. He had watched Snape eye Hermione's wand for a good minute before he reached for it.

In the end his actions had been in defense, and Ron had been the one to commit the offense. Hermione was the collateral damage. He would have never hurt Hermione, but the moment Snape grabbed her wand and stepped in front of her he reacted. He cast the first thing that came to mind upon seeing the older wizard. He chose the curse that hurt his brother. He wanted to make Snape hurt as much he did in that moment. When he cast _Sectumsempra_ all Ron felt was hate, and he put that behind the curse. He wanted to watch the older man bleed.

He just hadn't anticipated Hermione jumping in front of their former professor in order to take the hit.

"I never should have done that, Hermione, and I'm sorry I reacted that way. I was just so…angry. And then Snape had to jump in…"

"Stop," Hermione held up a hand. "Stop, Ron." She took a breath and he watched her gather her thoughts for a moment. "I understand why you were angry. Your grieving for Fred was still very fresh at the time. And I know you blame Severus for certain things. I'm not going to try and defend him to you. You need to come to those conclusions yourself. I know you don't trust him. He can be unpredictable. So can you, and so can I. But I do consider him my friend."

"Is he anything more than a friend to you?"

Hermione paused. She looked to her hands in her lap for a moment before raising her eyes to him. "Do you really want me to answer that?"

Ron knew it. He had seen it that day in Diagon Alley. Hell, he had seen it the day he accidently cursed her. And he knew Snape felt the same way. It was obvious. But maybe it wasn't obvious to the older wizard. Maybe he had yet to admit anything to Hermione. She had always been the one to suffer in silence.

"No." Ron answered. "No, I don't think I'm ready to hear it. Just…" He let out a breath and took in another one. "I'm here for you, 'Mione."

She got up from her chair and hugged him. "I'm really sorry about everything that's happened, Ron. I am."

Ron stiffened at first from the contact, but he hugged her back a moment later. It felt good to hold her again, and he experienced a moment of possessiveness. She should be _his_ to hold like this whenever he wanted. But she wasn't.

"I'm sorry, too, Hermione."

They hugged a moment longer and as they parted a ball of blue light dropped through the ceiling and landed in between the cubicles. It took the shape of a doe and Snape's voice emanated from it as though he were standing there beside them.

" _I have returned. I assume if you are not here that you have not yet left the Ministry. I hope to see you soon, my dear_."

Ron watched the Patronus disappear and looked at Hermione. Her face had turned a light shade of pink.

"I guess that answers my question after all." He said quietly. "Thanks again. See you on Monday." He turned and left her standing there, doing his best to fight back the surge of anger that rose in him. All he could think of as he stalked out of the Auror Office was hearing Snape's voice address Hermione in such a tender way. It was unfair.

He didn't want to give up on trying to repair his friendship with her. But he knew it would be impossible to look at her now without imagining her with Snape every night. A rush of thoughts flew through his head and he tried to block them out, listening to the disembodied female voice in the lift as it stopped at the Atrium and announced the arrival.

He chose the nearest gilded fireplace and called out the address of Percy's flat, his tone dreary. Luckily his brother wasn't home when he arrived a few moments later. Ron dumped his bag by the fireplace and went into the kitchen to retrieve the bottle of firewhiskey that he knew Percy kept. He poured out a small amount and stood by the kitchen window looking out over the London streets that he could see, lamps flickering on as the sun set in the west.

Grimmauld Place wasn't far, and he knew he could just floo over there if he wanted to and talk to Hermione whenever he fancied. Or he could be like Harry and always use the front door. His friend thought it appropriate and it gave anyone in the house a few moments warning, letting them know someone had come by. That, and he was raised by Muggles. Entering through the front door was just a normal thing for Harry.

Ron's mind wandered back to Hermione. She might be back at Grimmauld Place by now. With Snape. What were they doing? Talking, have supper together? He remembered accusing her of sleeping with the older wizard. But right now he got the impression that had not happened between them. At least not yet. Ron almost felt sick as the thought crossed his mind and he choked on his firewhiskey a little.

They were together, that was obvious. He hadn't wanted to know, but he wasn't really given a choice when Snape's Patronus made an unexpected appearance. Now he wasn't sure if he wanted to know exactly how involved Snape and Hermione were.

Whatever they weren't engaging in together now, they were bound to be doing it sooner or later.

Ron debated if he had possibly let Hermione down in some way. And he supposed he had. Right from the beginning of all of this. Perhaps if he had just been a little more accepting she would have never felt the need to distance herself from him.

He knew there was no changing that now. She had made her choice and had made it clear where her heart truly lay.

~S~

Hermione watched Ron go, her heart sinking with each step his retreating form took. They had finally started speaking again, after weeks of getting by on simple courtesy. And then the tiny amount of progress they had made had been destroyed. The look on Ron's face as Severus's voice called her 'my dear' had been one that she would never forget. It was as devastated as the look that had come over him in Diagon Alley when she stepped up beside Severus and took his hand.

She knew she shouldn't feel guilty, they had both shown their true colors to each other that day, and Hermione didn't regret her choice. But that didn't mean she didn't feel bad about it. Ron was her friend, and she hated that she caused him this pain.

She couldn't blame Severus. He had no idea Ron was still at the Ministry at the same time she was. He had simply sent his Patronus because she had told him this morning she would be back at Grimmauld Place before dinner.

Hermione packed her things and left the Auror Office. She didn't even realize she was in the Atrium until the disembodied voice inside the lift announced the arrival. There was only one other witch in the lift with her and she walked out first, making Hermione realize she needed to exit as well. She walked to the fireplaces and called out the address for Grimmauld Place on auto pilot.

When she stepped out of the flames into the basement kitchen, her mind was still whirling as fast as she had been only moments before. She draped her beaded handbag over the back of a chair and grabbed a small glass and Severus's bottle of firewhiskey from the nearby china hutch and poured a generous amount.

She took a sip, wincing from the burn as it went down.

"I must say, I am surprised. I don't believe I've ever seen you drink anything stronger than butterbeer."

Hermione didn't turn at the sound of Severus's voice behind her in the doorway. "Yes, well…the occasion calls for it." Her tone was sullen and a bit sarcastic.

"What's wrong?" Severus asked. She heard him walk into the kitchen and then he was standing behind her, his hands on her shoulders.

Hermione took another gulp of the firewhiskey and let out a breath. "Ron and I started talking again this evening. He asked me to look at his self-assessment of how he has been progressing thus far and after I was done we apologized to each other. He wanted to take the time to get everything out, and I would have sent my Patronus along to let you know I was going to be late…but yours arrived first."

"Ah. And I take it Mr. Weasley did not react well to my endearment for you?"

"No, not at all." Hermione confirmed as she took another sip of her drink.

"He didn't hurt you in any way?"

"Not physically. Emotionally however…we're both a wreck on the inside." She finished off the last of the firewhiskey and set the glass down. "I know it's not your fault, Severus, and I don't blame you. I blame myself."

He squeezed her shoulders gently. "You shouldn't, Hermione."

She turned to face him, his hands still on her shoulders. She reached behind herself to brace her hands on the table, her eyes downcast as she spoke.

"Shouldn't I? I've hurt him so much because of the choices I've made. And I'm not saying he hasn't hurt me in an equal way. We've both been through so much together, and I thought after sixth year we would finally get the chance to explore what we mean to each other." She looked up at Severus now, "But we never really got that opportunity. Life blew up in our faces, quite literally."

"And then after the battle…" Severus started.

"Yes, and then after." Hermione dropped her eyes to the floor again. She felt a finger under her chin tipping her head up.

"Do you regret the choices you've made?"

"No." She answered almost instantly. "I can't. Even though I feel bad about some of them, I don't regret them." She pulled he bottom lip between her teeth for a moment then let it go. "I just wish I knew what to do."

"Everything that is meant to be, Hermione, will work out in its own time."

"That's a surprising statement coming from someone who doesn't believe in destiny or fate."

"It is. But despite my personal feelings on those subjects, it is something I believe in." Severus dropped his hands to her waist.

Hermione closed her eyes and let the sensation of his warm touch wash over her. She could feel the alcohol finally taking affect. Her brain became a little fuzzy as she relaxed into his hold. He felt too good. She had been battling with this need for weeks. She had no idea if he felt the same way. All she knew was that she wanted it, to know what it felt like to be desired.

But she knew that if she brought the topic up now, Severus would turn her down. Because she had been drinking, and because her mind was not in the right place. Right now she would agree with him. It would be an emotional reaction. No matter how much she wanted to take that next step, it had to be something she was truly ready for.

And at this moment in time she wasn't.

"Will you stay with me tonight?" She asked, once her brain came back to reality.

"Or you could stay with me?" Severus offered.

"I'll take either option. I just don't want to be alone tonight."

"Nor I, my dear." He whispered as he leaned in and kissed her forehead. Hermione sighed and let herself be wrapped up in his arms.


	13. I Caught Fire

Disclaimer: See Chapter 1

 **Note: Mild sexual content in this chapter**

 _I'm melting  
In your eyes  
Like my first time  
That I caught fire  
Just stay with me  
Lay with me now_

\- The Used

* * *

Chapter 13

Hermione woke up the next morning feeling as though she were lying against a furnace. When she tried to roll over, she found that she could not move. Severus was spooned up behind her with his arms around her. It comforted her knowing he was there, and it made her smile as she realized the way he was holding her. But it was very warm underneath the blanket, bordering on uncomfortable. And she desperately needed the loo. She tried to shift again, and her backside brushed against the solid bulge of his morning erection.

Hermione stopped moving, feeling her cheeks pink in embarrassment. She tried to scoot away, but Severus only tightened his arms around her, pulling her back to his chest. Letting out a breath, she lay still for a minute while contemplating a different approach. She needed him to let go but didn't want to wake him. She started to loosen the arm around her waist and lifted it just enough to scoot out from under him. Hermione sat up slowly so she wouldn't disturb him and set her feet on the floor.

She made her way quietly to the bathroom and shut the door with a soft click. When she was done, Hermione returned to Severus's bed, not surprised that he had not moved in her absence. Having climbed up into the bed, she sat on her knees to watch him. She would never tire of seeing him so peaceful. She laid back down on her side and reached out to run her fingers through his hair, yawning quietly, still a little tired. There was no way to know how early it was since there was no sunlight coming in through the window yet. Hermione could seek a pinking along the horizon when she glanced out the window, meaning it was just before dawn. A few more hours' sleep wouldn't hurt.

When she awoke again, it was to the feel of a hand running up and down her side. She opened her eyes slowly, taking in Severus's sleepy expression beside her. "You moved." he accused her.

"I needed the loo." Hermione retorted, rolling to her back and stretching.

"Did you sleep well?"

She rolled back to face him again. "Very. Thank you for letting me stay with you."

"I will always be here when you need me, Hermione," he said seriously. "Also, I seem to sleep better as well when you are near."

"Perhaps we should make this a more permanent arrangement?" she asked hesitantly, her eyes on the bed. Severus tipped her chin up so she was forced to look at him.

"Is that what you would like?"

"I think it would benefit us both."

"Agreed. Although, I have never shared a bed with anyone. I do not know how good I will be at sharing the blanket."

Hermione smiled, suppressing a laugh. "I've never shared with anyone either. Except you on the few occasions we've slept beside each other."

"The most restful nights I've ever had."

"Same."

They lay in silence for a few minutes, sunlight now beginning to creep into the room. It slanted across the bed, landing on them both. Hermione watched as the light bathed her arm where it lay between them. Severus reached for her hand and twined their fingers together, then leaned in and kissed her softly.

He let go of her hand and wrapped his arm around her waist, pulling her almost flush against him. Hermione felt the same bulge from earlier that morning, except now it was pressed against her thigh. She gasped quietly. She was curious, but didn't want to proceed and make Severus uncomfortable. Although, she imagined he was already a bit uncomfortable to begin with.

Perhaps if she feigned innocence—not that she would have to try very hard not having any real sexual experience—maybe he would let her explore a little. She had read enough books and seen enough diagrams to know where everything was down there and knew enough from her years in Muggle schools about male biology. They were all basically wired the same, but she had picked up snippets of conversations around the Gryffindor common room over the years to know that some men liked a firmer pressure, and others simply liked to be stroked and petted.

She was curious to know Severus's preferences.

She could imagine him as the kind of man who would not mind a rougher touch, depending on his mood. But she would want to start off slow, learn all his ticks and what he liked best. Then she would want to get into the dirty details, so to speak, and learn to drive him wild.

Of course, Hermione told herself as Severus ran his hand up and down her side in a slow back and forth stroke, that this was just her hormones talking. But she knew deep down that she was sexually attracted to her former professor. She had never considered him as unattractive in previous years, despite what her other classmates said. But that may have been because she had a different level of respect for the man growing up. She regarded him as he was, her professor, and thus treated him as such with the proper level of recognition and deference expected from a student.

Her impression of Severus Snape in that first ever potions lesson had been one of awe, to start, and then annoyance later when he outright ignored her and called her a "silly girl". Perhaps she had been trying too hard, but she had been eager to prove herself then. She looked up to her Potions Master, maybe even idolized him a little bit in those first few years at Hogwarts. She would not say she grew disenchanted as time went on, but she began to see him not as Professor Snape her superior, but as Snape the human being. Her view of him shifted, and she began to notice the changes in him during her sixth year.

Looking at him now, she saw a man who had survived two wars, though not without scars. She saw a man still lost, but fighting to find his way. She had the light and needed to help him embrace it. Hermione knew there was so much more she could do for Severus. The question was, would he allow her? Would he allow himself?

"What are you thinking about underneath all of that bushy hair?" Severus asked, a teasing smile in place.

"You," she answered honestly.

"Nothing indecent I hope."

Hermione quirked an eyebrow at him. Could he tell? Was he using Legilimency on her again? She had had stern words with him the last time. He had apologized and promised not to delve into her mind again unannounced.

"Or perhaps you are thinking badly of me," he offered when she didn't answer.

"Only when you upset me."

Severus's brow furrowed as he regarded her. "Seeing as you have so many easily pushed buttons, please define 'upset'."

"You're not one to talk about an annoying number of buttons." Hermione smiled to herself.

He had certainly learned her pet peeves in the five months they had been living together at Grimmauld Place. She stopped for a moment in her musings. Had it truly been six months already since the night of the battle? She couldn't believe so much time had passed.

"That's not an answer to my question, Miss Granger."

 _Now he wants me to answer a direct question. Well, it's only taken him seven years._

"Whenever you irritate me."

"You'll have to be more specific than that, I'm afraid. There are times when I cannot determine if I am indeed the one "irritating" you, or if I am simply coming in behind a previous annoyance."

Hermione sighed. _This_ right here was irritating her.

"You're doing it right now."

"I see."

Hermione narrowed her eyes at him. "Do you?"

Severus let a smile stretch his mouth infinitesimally. If she had not grown to know him so well, she would have mistaken it for a sneer.

"I see the gears turning in your mind, Hermione. Tell me what you were thinking about just before."

She blushed as images came back to her, and Severus's smile grew a little wider. "Now I'm curious."

"I was thinking about you, like I said."

"What, specifically, about me?"

As curious as she was herself, Hermione was embarrassed to admit that she had been thinking about getting him naked. Though why the thought mortified her she did not know. Only weeks ago, she was desperate to unclothe him when she woke him up with a gentle kiss that turned into an impassioned snog. They had not engaged thus since.

At first, Hermione thought it was because he was still uncomfortable with the idea of showing any kind of adoration to someone other than Lily. But she knew now, _felt_ now, that he had no qualms with allowing his body to express itself. She doubted very much that he was unaware of his current condition, and he was merely ignoring it. Though how he was able to she could not begin to guess. More so, he was reacting to _her_. The thought made her feel powerful for a moment, almost enough to take control of the situation between them. But her inexperience made her stop. She had no idea where to start.

"Hermione?" Severus asked her. She blinked up at him when she felt his hand on her cheek. "Are you still with me?"

"Yes, I'm sorry."

"Now I'm confused _and_ curious. Not always a good combination. What _is_ going on in that head of yours?" He sounded amused.

"I want to touch you…" she blurted out and reached her hand down slowly, trying not give away her intended destination.

 _Where is your Gryffindor bravery, Hermione? Just go for it._

"…here," and she pressed the palm of her hand against the front of his sleep pants.

Severus sucked in a sharp breath and he closed his eyes. "Hermione," he whispered her name almost reverently. "We … shouldn't. Not yet."

"No, we shouldn't. At least not that." She pulled her hand away and he moaned quietly. "But I want to explore other things. Do you?"

 _That is by far the worst question she has ever asked me_ , Severus thought to himself. Of course he did. How many times had he imagined a moment like this? Envisioned them together? _Too many_ , he admitted to himself. _Far too many_.

"Indeed," Severus confessed. Hermione smiled shyly, reaching her hand back down again. This time she did not hesitate as she cupped the front of his sleep pants. He suppressed another moan but failed in keeping his hips still, and he flexed into her palm proving just how much he wanted it. It was humiliating, but he could not deny the way it made him feel.

The same fire he had felt the last time ignited under his skin, and he felt his blood rush south leaving him lightheaded.

"Will you show me how you like to be touched?" Hermione asked quietly.

Severus had enough clarity in his mind to wonder if she truly had no experience in this arena, or she did, but was merely asking because she wanted to know what he was fond of. Both thoughts pleased him. He was not going to settle on either. It mattered not what she knew or did not know, or even what she had done in the past with others. Her sole focus now was him. That was most important.

"Severus?" Hermione asked. He blinked and gazed at her. "Will you show me?" she asked again.

His answer was to lean in and kiss her. He rolled Hermione to her back, nudging her knees apart so he could rest between them. She willingly made room for him and he allowed himself the satisfaction of rocking into her, his erection grazing her core. He grinned against her mouth at the whimper she made then pulled back.

"Undress me first," he requested.

Severus had no qualms about being naked in front of her. She had already seen most of his scars and he was not ashamed of any of them. He sat up a little to help Hermione tug his t-shirt over his head, then he settled back down, supporting himself on one arm as he took her hand and placed it on the waistband of his sleep pants. He lifted his hips to help get them down his legs, sighing in relief at the freedom of no longer being restrained. Cotton may be softer than wool, but it still chaffed.

Without even thinking, he grabbed her hand again and guided it down to press against his rigid shaft. His eyes rolled back and he let out a quiet moan as her fingers wrapped around his length. He could feel Hermione tremble beneath him. Whether it was in nervousness or anticipation, he did not know. In that moment, he did not care. He just didn't want her to let go. It had been so long since he had indulged in human touch of this kind. His mind may have forgotten the sensation, but his body did not.

Keeping his hand over hers, Severus showed her the tempo he liked, sliding up and down at a steady pace. He let go once she seemed comfortable even though he could still feel her shaking.

"That's good," he encouraged, his voice rough. "You can squeeze a little, it doesn't hurt."

Hermione did as requested and he let out another moan, throwing his head back. "Yes," he hissed the word, his eyes closing again of their own volition. "Keep going." He hovered over her, supporting himself on his arms. When he opened his eyes, he saw Hermione watching her own hand as she worked him over.

"Enjoying the view?" he rasped out.

Hermione nodded but said nothing. He reached down and placed his hand over hers once more. "A little faster," he told her, moving her hand more swiftly along his aching length. "That's it. Just like that."

It thrilled him to watch her eyes widen as she gazed down the length of their bodies. Severus could feel himself swell in her hand as she moved it faster up and down. She squeezed him again, harder than before and he nearly shouted, unable to stop the movement of his hips as he bucked forward.

"Gods, yes. Keep going," he begged. He felt his control slip a little more as his orgasm barreled down on him. He didn't try to hold back. He let the rush flow through his body and snapped his hips forward as he reached his climax. Severus cried out as he came, spilling into Hermione's hand.

"Stop, stop," he gasped, his voice scratchy again. He brushed her hand away as he caught his breath.

"I'm sorry, did I hurt you?" She sounded terrified.

"No, no. Sensitive," he panted. "That was … perfect."

"I've always been a fast learner." Hermione blushed beneath him.

"Indeed. Have you done that before with another man?"

She shook her head. "No. Viktor and I never saw each other that way, and Ron and I never got that far. I don't have any experience."

Severus watched her blush creep down her neck and wondered if it reached her chest. He had a sudden desire to undress the witch beneath him, see how comfortable she was with her own nakedness in the presence of someone else.

He let out a breath. His heart had finally slowed to a normal resting rate, but sped up once more with her admission. He settled onto his side next to her and took her hand, laying it across his waist. He wanted her to feel comfortable touching him.

"If things were to progress between us, I would be your first in all that we do?"

"Yes."

He paused, considering. "I assume this is something you want?" Severus asked. He knew she did, but he needed to hear it from her. Hear the certainty in her voice.

"Yes." Hermione answered immediately, "Please, Severus."

"Would you be opposed, then, to reciprocation on my part?"

Hermione flushed at his offer, gazing up at him from under her lashes. "Not opposed, I think. But … hesitant."

"It's all right to be nervous. If you are uncomfortable, we don't have to proceed."

"No, I want to, Severus. It's just…" She closed her eyes, her sentence hanging between them.

"Have you ever touched yourself before, Hermione?" he asked, making her eyes snap open.

"Yes," she whispered, and her face pinked once more.

"Did you make yourself come?"

"Yes, I...I think so."

Severus smiled at her indulgently. "What did it feel like?"

"A rush of heat across my entire body."

That seemed fairly accurate. He leaned in as though to kiss her but nipped her ear lobe instead. Hermione moaned this time, getting louder as he moved his lips to her neck and bit the skin just above her pulse before running his tongue over the same place. Her pulse beat wildly under his ministrations and she felt her skin flush.

"Something like that?" he asked as he pulled back.

"No."

He cocked an eyebrow in disbelief.

"That was better."

"And I haven't even touched you." He was delighted with the shiver his words invoked. "Would you like to continue?"

"Yes." Her tone was desperate now.

"May I undress you?"

"I … I don't know."

"How about I start and you let me know if anything feels uncomfortable?"

Hermione nodded. "All right."

He leaned in and kissed her, rolling her to her back. She immediately made room for him once more, threading her fingers through his hair as he began to slide her sleep shirt up past her ribs. Hermione hesitated as he tried to lift it over her head, but she pulled away from him and sat up so he could remove the garment. She was naked underneath. He watched the blush from her cheeks creep down her neck and onto her chest as he stared at her.

"Ok so far?" He kept his eyes on her as he asked the question. She nodded in response. Severus reached down and began to push her sleep pants and knickers off together. Hermione tensed underneath him, and he paused, resting his hand on her hip. "Relax. You have nothing to be nervous or ashamed about. You're stunning."

Her blush deepened and Hermione tried to suppress a smile but failed. Severus leaned down and kissed her, pushing his tongue into her mouth to taste her. He attempted to get her to the same point she had been at the last time they snogged like this. He rubbed up and down her side with one hand, the other pushed her pants and knickers the rest of the way off her legs.

When he finally pulled back from her, she was panting, her body almost completely limp. He pulled one of her legs up to his hip, opening her up more underneath him. Hermione gasped, but did not try to pull away when he trailed his hand up her leg and brushed lightly against her sex. She threw her head back, the fingers in his hair tightening and pulling.

Severus growled quietly in response, not minding the little bit of pain that accompanied her rough touch. Hermione let out a raspy moan as his hand made a slow pass over her left breast, his palm grazing her nipple turning it to a hard peak. He reached up for her hand and pulled it over her head so she was stretched. Her fingers closed around a carved portion of the headboard, her knuckles turning white with force of her grip.

"Still ok?"

"Yes," Hermione hissed the word, her eyes closed. She arched under him as his hand slid back down her stomach and he reached between them to lightly brush his fingers over her sex once more, but this time he pressed the pad of his thumb to her clit making her gasp and buck her hips toward him.

Severus smiled at the response. He leaned down and kissed her deeply, twirling his tongue around hers. He slipped his fingers lower, gathering moisture and stroked the outside of her opening before sliding one finger inside.

"Severus…" Hermione moaned his name and arched into him more. He added a second finger and curled them against her front wall. She cried his name louder and reached up to hold onto the headboard with her other hand, throwing her head back.

"I take it you're enjoying this?"

Hermione nodded her head fiercely. "Please, don't stop," she begged as she let out a breath of air.

"I had no intentions of doing so," Severus promised her. He trailed kisses down her jaw and neck, sucking on her pulse before moving to run his tongue along the scar over her left collarbone.

Hermione moaned even louder beneath him. He sealed his lips over hers, swallowing the sound. His fingers stroked in and out of her at a faster pace, rubbing both inside and out as his thumb grazed over her clit. She whined and bucked beneath him, seeking more friction.

"Severus, please!" she cried, flexing her fingers around the headboard.

"What do you need?"

"More, please."

He smiled against her mouth and added a third finger, pushing them all in at once. He held still for a moment letting her grow accustomed to the difference, then pulled out and began pumping his fingers at the same fast pace he had been using just before.

From the way her inner muscles squeezed him, Severus could tell Hermione was getting close. She fluttered around him. There was also no mistaking her frantic heart rate. The muscle was beating so fast underneath her skin, he was surprised it did not break the rib bones surrounding it.

"How do feel?" he whispered, nuzzling his nose by her ear.

"Like my body is being ripped in two," Hermione panted.

Severus chuckled. "Like you're going to explode."

"Yes."

He pressed his thumb to her clit again and this time she did explode around him. Her muscles clamped down on his fingers and her back arched completely off the bed. He sucked at a spot on her neck lightly as she cried out his name, her mouth right by his ear.

Severus withdrew from her and wiped his fingers on the sheet. He rolled to the side and watched as Hermione slowly came down from her high. Her eyes shut as her body relaxed back onto the bed and within minutes, her breathing evened out to a point where she was taking shallow, quiet breaths.

"Hermione?" He reached out, turning her to her side so she was facing him. When he saw her face, he smiled. It was peaceful with sleep, deep sleep. She had passed out completely. "I am glad you enjoyed it, my dear," he whispered and leaned in to kiss her forehead, wrapping an arm around her waist to draw her closer. He fell asleep beside her, listening to the sound of her breathing.

~S~

It was afternoon when Hermione opened her eyes again. The bed beside her was empty. She sat up looking around for Severus and realized she was still completely starkers. She grabbed the sheet and pulled it up to her chest. She could not hear any water running in the bathroom or the sound of his footsteps on the stairs.

 _He must be somewhere in the house_ , Hermione thought as she slumped back down on the bed. She could not believe what had happened this morning. She could still feel the after effects. Her muscles were loose and she felt wonderfully relaxed. But at the same time, she was mortified that she had passed out right after. Although she knew she couldn't help it, her climax had drained her. That did not mean, though, that she was without embarrassment over it. She had wanted to thank Severus, and instead she fell asleep.

There was nothing she could do about it now, and she was almost certain he did not mind. In fact, she thought she could remember the sound of him chuckling beside her. Hermione had no idea how long she lay there staring at the ceiling, but she eventually dragged herself from Severus's bed and, with the sheet wrapped around her like a toga, traipsed down the hall to her room. She showered quickly and changed into warm pants and a pullover with long sleeves.

"Finally awake," Severus greeted her as she entered the kitchen. He was working over yet another steaming cauldron. But from the looks of the ingredients spread out before him, it was not his research.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to pass out like that," she apologized, although unsure about why.

Severus shook his head at her, a small smile in place. "No need, my dear. I thought it was amusing. I wish I could have been there with you when you awoke, but I needed to get this potion started for St. Mungo's."

"I understand." Hermione sat down in a chair and helped herself to the fresh pot of tea. There was a small plate of sandwiches on the table as well. Ham and cheddar by the looks of them. She took one and bit into it gratefully.

"Hungry?" Severus asked as he watched her.

"Starving," she confirmed around a mouthful.

"Eat as much as you like, I can always make more."

"Did you eat already?" Hermione asked, taking a sip of tea.

"I did, so please indulge if you want."

She seriously considered taking him up on the offer with the way she was feeling. Hermione popped the last bite of the sandwich into her mouth and felt no shame as she reached for a second.

~S~

By the middle of November, the first frost began to appear on the windows and grass outside. They made sure to have a fire going in every room in the house they used, and it was not uncommon for Hermione to walk around sometimes wrapped in a blanket while also wearing a scarf, boots, and mittens. She had never been very good at retaining heat and was tempted sometimes to cast a warming spell over her sheets at night, but instead she found herself tip toeing down the hall to Severus's room and climbing into bed beside him. He was so much warmer than a charm any night.

As far as intimacy went between them, they engaged in more touching and the exploration of each other's bodies. Hermione was still growing accustomed to the feel of his hands on her naked flesh. She let him bring her to orgasm several more times and found she was growing addicted to the feeling, the same way she was growing addicted to watching Severus lose control because of the way she touched him.

She loved to watch him as she ran her hand up and down his shaft, feeling his hips shift against her as he pushed into her palm repeatedly until he finally came, grunting her name. It was simultaneously the sexiest and most beautiful thing she had ever seen.

They were engaged thus one night, Hermione pinned beneath him as he panted in her ear, catching his breath as he came down from his climax. He shifted his hips forward and his semi hard erection just barely brushed her sex, the flared head rubbing against her opening. Hermione gasped audibly, but not in fear.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to do that." Severus apologized, picking his head up to look at her.

"Keep going," Hermione whispered, shocking herself with the request. She was curious, desperate, and finally ready for it.

Severus propped himself up on his arms. "Are you sure?" he asked, giving her a very serious look. "I cannot guarantee that I will be able to stop once we start. I won't do this if you're not sure."

Hermione paused for a moment and she felt him brushing against her mind, feeling out her emotions for himself. She did not mind the intrusion in this instance. He could the see the truth for himself without her having to say a word.

"Please, Severus." She raked her fingers through his hair and leaned up to kiss him. He accepted it, pushing his tongue into her mouth to twirl with hers gently before pulling back.

He whispered one word to her that made her smile and her skin break out in gooseflesh. "Ok."


	14. What I Believe

Disclaimer: See Chapter 1

 **Note: Sexual content**

 _Believe in your love  
Believe in your life  
Believe that You can put me back  
Together on the inside_

\- Skillet

* * *

Chapter 14

Hermione lay back against the pillows as Severus positioned himself over her on his hands and knees. She reached up and looped her arms around his neck, and he cupped her face with one hand stroking her cheek with his thumb. Hermione closed her eyes and sighed. Even though she appeared content, he could feel her tremble beneath him. It excited him, but it did not mean he would be any less tender with her.

Severus trailed his fingers down her throat, across the thin scar on her collarbone up to her shoulder, and then back across her chest. He ran his hand between her breasts but did not touch her, and then skimmed his fingers down her flat stomach, finally coming to stop at her waist. He squeezed gently to reassure her.

"You're sure?" he asked again, giving her a final opportunity to back out.

Hermione brushed some hair out of his eyes, gazing up at him with a soft, resolute expression. "Yes."

He leaned down and kissed her, at the same time wrapping both his arms around her and drew her up as he sat back on his knees. He took a minute to straighten his legs and get comfortable. Hermione adjusted herself in his lap, her thighs around his hips. She kept her arms around his neck for support as he took her waist again, lifting her up. She stayed on her knees for a moment as he aligned himself with her body, and then slowly began to ease her down.

At the first hint of intrusion she tensed up, her body preparing for the inevitable pain she knew was coming. Severus held her, one hand stroking up and down her back in what he hoped was a soothing caress. The other held her waist, keeping her steady. He could feel his heart beating a rapid staccato beneath his ribs. He was barely inside her and he knew she would be tight. The anticipation of it was killing him.

"Look at me," he requested, trying to keep the tone of his voice comforting. She drew in quick little breaths, her eyes screwed shut. "Look at me, Hermione," he requested again. She opened her eyes this time, and they grew wide with whatever she saw on his face. "Keep your eyes on mine," he instructed, his voice lower now. "Breathe in." He watched her take in a deep breath, her body barely shifting. "Breathe out," he whispered, and when she did he brought her down the rest of the way.

Hermione made a noise in protest and clutched at his back as he pushed past her virginity, bringing her hips flush with his. Her body tensed up again, muscles clenching around him, and she panted in his ear. He held her, giving her body time to stretch and accommodate to his size. It was taking all the will power he had not to simply start moving inside her. It was the most exquisite torture.

She pulled back a little when her breathing was under control and her body had acclimated to his. He lifted her up, pulling out just a little and brought her back down, flexing his hips upward. Hermione let her head fall back and she moaned quietly. He reached out to hold the back of her neck to support her as she straightened up. He lifted her again, pulling out a little more this time, and pushed back in. Her muscles tightened and relaxed around him in a delicious rhythm as he began to move more freely with her.

She quickly learned the tempo he set, pushing her hips down into his as he flexed upward to meet her. All he wanted to do was bury himself in her body and get lost inside, but they moved slowly. And even though the way they moved together was agonizing in its pace it did not make the moment any less beautiful. This extraordinary young woman was giving him a gift so precious. He felt it in his very soul. It was too much for him. _She_ was too much.

Severus flexed his hips and pushed into her a little harder than he intended. Hermione hissed in his ear, arms locked around his neck. It took him a moment to realize that she was stuttering over his name. He cradled the back of her neck and pulled her from his shoulder so that she was looking at him. Brown eyes met his obsidian ones. He pushed into her again a little harder than before. He wanted her to say his name, he needed to hear it.

"Severus!" Her body trembled around his as a wave of release washed over her and she cried out his name quietly. Her muscles clenched in another round of rhythmic spams, milking him. He pushed into her roughly and then stilled, holding her tight as he released deep inside her. Hermione collapsed into his chest, her body limp and pliant in his arms. He could feel the thundering beat of her heart against his skin, matching his own.

He stroked her back again as she came down from the high. Her fingers echoed the same motion on him. When she pulled back to look at him her face showed no sign of regret. She leaned up and he met her halfway in a soft, searing kiss. He pushed her gently until her back made contact with the bed once more and they stretched out, his body atop hers. Her hands moved from his back to tangle in his hair, and Hermione tugged gently making him gasp. This time she deepened the kiss, tasting him.

They did not break the embrace even as they began to shift and untangle their bodies. Severus maintained the final connection between them for as long as possible. He was not yet ready to leave the confines of her body. Coupling with her had healed him in a way that no amount of magical medicine ever could. Years of guilt lifted from him and his heart opened to her, allowing her entrance into his soul. He let her settle there and take hold.

When they finally broke apart he reached down and placed a hand on her waist to keep her steady, and then pulled himself free. Although freedom was the last word he would use to describe the lack of warmth around his body. He felt cold and lost without it. But Hermione's touch on his cheek drew him back to her. She flinched slightly as his body left hers and he felt a stab of guilt in his chest. He apologized for causing her the discomfort.

She stroked some hair off his forehead, smiling serenely at him. "There's no need to apologize. Some pain is to be expected."

"Yes, but you've endured enough pain in your life, Hermione."

"So have you. But I don't mind this form. I would gladly accept it over and over again if it meant I could be with you." Hermione leaned up as though to kiss his cheek, but instead whispered the words he knew were coming.

"I love you, Severus."

A new wave of emotions washed over him at hearing her say it aloud for the first time. His mind tried to deny that he felt the same way, that he was not ready. But his heart overruled it. He could hear himself speaking the words back to her before he could even comprehend them.

And he knew, with every fiber of his being, that they were true.

~S~

Hermione blinked awake, taking in the scene that greeted her. She was lying on her side, naked, but covered up to her waist by the blanket on the bed. Severus lay facing her, maybe a foot of space between them. Close enough that his arm was draped comfortably across her body, but not so close that they were nose to nose. She smiled to herself as she watched him sleep. Hermione had not seen him this peaceful in weeks. There was temptation to reach out and push some of his raven locks from his eyes, but she did not want to risk waking him from what was probably the deepest sleep he had had in some time.

Instead, she just lay there, basking in his presence beside her. Her mind turned over everything from the previous night. She still could not believe what had happened. She was glad it had been Severus. She could not imagine Ron being as gentle or patient with her. He would have gotten too caught up in the moment, been in too much of a rush.

Hermione tried to stretch experimentally just a bit. Delicious little aches flashed all over her body and she sighed happily to herself.

She looked back to Severus as her eyes opened again and gasped, startled. He was watching her, his eyes sleepy, clearly having just woken up. He apologized for surprising her and removed his arm from her waist so he could cup her face. She let him pull her in for a kiss, responding enthusiastically, tangling her fingers in his hair. He took hold of her waist again and rolled to his back, taking her with him.

Severus held her steady as she moved up to her knees, her thighs framing his hips. He said nothing as he lifted her, and this time Hermione reached down between them to help align their bodies. He threw his head back at her touch, exposing his neck to her. She saw the scars across his skin and wondered how he would react if she were to reach out to touch one.

But those thoughts were chased from her mind as Severus came back to her and lowered her down, sliding into her with ease. It was still painful, but not nearly as sharp as it had been last night. It was more of a dull ache this morning and she relished in it. She allowed Severus to set the pace again until she got the hang of it. He guided her over him, squeezing her waist encouragingly when she moved in a particular way he enjoyed.

No words were exchanged between them. They were not needed right now. It was simply about the moment and the pleasure they could bring each other. Hermione rode him until she crested a wave of ecstasy and let it wash over and consume her. She had barely come down from it when she felt Severus grip her waist and release deep inside her, a low moan escaping his lips.

She folded forward, laying her head on his chest to listen to the rhythm of his heart beneath his ribs. Severus wrapped his arms around her and pressed a kiss to the top of her head. They lay like that until both caught their breath, and Hermione rolled off so they could lie facing each other again.

She curled up close to him this time, wanting to maintain the proximity of their bodies. She ran her fingers through his hair as he trailed his own up and down her back in soft circles. They exchanged brief kisses, letting the last one grow a little heated before they both pulled away smiling sheepishly at each other. Hermione wanted nothing more than to stay right there, savoring the moment.

However, even after the wondrous night she had just shared with Severus and what had been said between them, she could not help the thoughts that crept into her mind. Nor the feeling of uncertainty they left her with.

"What's wrong?" Severus asked, clearly reading the insecurity on her face.

"Nothing," Hermione answered him, although she knew he would not be convinced.

Severus leaned in and kissed her briefly once more. Her body relaxed further against his and she sighed as he pulled away. "Hermione, please tell me what's troubling you. Are you having regrets?"

She shook her head resolutely. "Not at all. It's … no, I don't want to upset you."

Severus tipped her chin up so she was forced to look at him. "Whatever it is you have to say, I promise not to be upset by it. Please, tell me."

She reached out, cupping the side of his face in the same way he so often touched hers. Severus covered her hand with his own and brought it down to lie between them. He was not going to allow himself to be distracted.

"I don't want to compete with a ghost, Severus."

He lay there in silence for a minute or so, studying her face. The he leaned in and kissed her, kissed her in a way that she felt all the way down to her toes. Her body flushed warm from the heat of it, and when he pulled back she was panting lightly.

"You won't have to compete, Hermione." he told her soundly.

"But you said that you still love her." Even though that had been weeks ago, it still echoed in her mind.

"I will always harbor feelings for Lily, much in the same way that you will always harbor feelings for Ronald Weasley. They were both a part of our lives for a long time. And we each loved one, even though in the end things did not work out as we had hoped."

"Yes, but Ron and I may still be friends. Lily is gone forever."

"Her body may no longer be here, but I still keep her memory alive. She was dear to me growing up. And I made mistakes, said things I should have never said to her. And that still haunts me from time to time. It makes me wonder what could have happened had I not made some of the choices that I did in my youth."

Hermione considered this. There was a definite age difference between her and Severus, but to her age was just a number. She had been through enough, seen enough, in her brief nineteen years that her mind had matured at a rate capable of coping with the changes around her as they occurred. Severus had been through similar, as well as exceedingly different, trials but they had experienced this last Wizarding War together. And they had both come out of it alive. Drastically changed, but alive.

"And now?" Hermione asked. She was still not entirely convinced.

"Now," Severus began. "Now I have _you_. And while there may be many similarities between you and Lily, you are not her." He said this firmly, enunciating each word, intent on getting his point across. "I know this, and I promise that I will never compare you to her. There are differences that make you who you are, Hermione Granger." He reached out and stroked her cheek. She did not realize she had been crying silently until she felt Severus brush the moisture from her face. "Do you trust me?" he asked in a whisper.

"Intimately," she responded before she could stop herself.

"I love you for you, Hermione. Not because you remind me of someone else. Believe me."

She did, and because she felt the need to strengthen this bond of trust between them, she pushed her body as close to his as she could. He took the invitation and rolled her to her back, moving between her legs.

"Do you believe me?" Severus asked. He reached for her hands and drew them up beside her head threading their fingers together and pinned her down with his body. He slid into her until his hips rested against hers and she tightened her legs around his waist, allowing him to sink even deeper into her body.

Hermione let out a soft cry, unaccustomed to the sheer depth of him within her. "With all my heart," she swore, whispering it to him as he began to move.

~S~

It was after noon when they finally extricated themselves from his bed. Hermione knew they would have both been content to stay there all day if it were a possibility. Her stomach had other plans, however, and made them known. Severus rose first, explaining that he had something to start in the kitchen for her, but he wanted her to take her time upstairs. Wash up, get dressed, and then come down.

Hermione hated it when he left the bed finally, but she watched him for as long as she could before he exited the room, now dressed in his customary black. She said nothing upon seeing the multitude of scars on his back. The quantity surprised her, and she felt a wave of sympathy for him wondering what he had endured and for how many years. There were more scars on his front, fewer and fainter than those on his back, but still a testament to the torture he had no doubt suffered at Voldemort's hands.

Hermione tried not to think about it and did as Severus had requested, dressing in something comfortable after a brief shower, and then went down to join him. A warm fragrance reached her before she entered the kitchen, and she stopped in the doorway to take in the scene. Severus was currently at work over a cauldron, a potion book open in front of him. She was surprised that he was not brewing from memory, but perhaps it was a formula that he had not prepared often in the past.

She stood in the doorway watching him as he muttered to himself, his fingers running down the page over the instructions. "New recipe?" she asked as she walked in.

"Old, but unfamiliar," Severus responded, not looking up. Hermione stood beside him watching as he stirred the lilac colored brew. He added rose hips and the potion turned a light shade of pink. With a flick of his wand, Severus reduced the flames beneath the cauldron to allow the potion time to simmer.

He turned and greeted her, taking her face between his hands to kiss her sweetly. Hermione clutched his waist, loving the feel of his body beneath her hands. They broke apart and Severus wrapped his arms around her, cradling her head against his chest. She returned the embrace, smiling as she felt his lips press against the top of her head. She craned her neck back and accepted the second kiss he gave her without protest. She had never imagined him capable of the tenderness he had shown her in the last twelve hours, but was quickly growing to enjoy it.

They broke apart suddenly to the sound of someone clearing his throat in the kitchen doorway. Harry stood there shifting from foot to foot, looking uncomfortable at catching his best friend and former professor in such an intimate position. Hermione smiled shyly and let go of Severus, then apologized to Harry.

Her friend merely shook his head and continued into the kitchen, dropping a small stack of owl post on the table along with the morning edition of _The Daily Prophet_. Hermione greeted him with a hug, apologizing once more.

"Stop, I don't care. It's not like it's the first time I've walked in on it," Harry stated. "However, is it something I should grow accustomed to seeing?" Hermione watched him glance to Severus, who was checking the temperature of the potion he had been brewing when she first came down.

"I should think so."

"Then I'm happy for you."

"Thank you. Although…"

Harry waved his hand, dismissing her thought process. "Don't worry about Ron right now."

"I just … I don't want to hurt him any more than I already have."

"He'll have to deal with it," her friend stated simply.

"That doesn't sound like the Harry Potter I grew up with."

"Times change, and so do people. Ron is still stuck in the past. He can't get over the fact that we've moved on, and he hasn't." Harry paused for a moment then added, "We haven't spoken much in the last few weeks. If his attitude doesn't improve, I'm thinking of telling him to move on from Auror training. He can't concentrate and that's going to affect his performance."

Hermione sighed, glancing over her shoulder at Severus. He was now ladling out a small cup of the pink potion. He walked over to her and Harry and handed it to her. "Best to drink while it's fresh."

"What is it?"

She watched Severus glance at Harry, who was looking at the potion with familiarity. She felt her brows draw together in confusion. "What is this?" she asked again more firmly.

"A contraceptive potion," Harry stated, his cheeks pinking a little. "Ginny takes it."

Realization struck her and she fixed Harry with a dumbfounded look. "When … no never mind. I don't want to know."

"Neither do I," Harry stated, sounding uncomfortable.

Hermione drank the potion down and handed Severus back the cup. "How often?"

"Within twenty-four hours either before or after each encounter. It's best to take every day regardless."

"When is it most effective?" she asked, hoping for him to narrow the time frame down a little more to give her a better understanding of how the potion actually worked.

"When you take it." Severus answered simply. Hermione narrowed her eyes at him, but he only stared back at her for a moment before walking away again.

"He still has that way," Harry muttered to her.

"Don't remind me. But I must admit I do enjoy his sarcasm. I never really appreciated it until now." Her eyes followed Severus for several moments as he moved around the kitchen, bottling up the remainder of the potion to put away and cleaning out the cauldron. He moved gracefully, each action performed with effortless ease. "So, what brings you by today?"

"Just a check-in." Harry shrugged.

"Would you like to stay for lunch?" Hermione offered.

"Sure," Harry accepted. "Can I help at all?"

"No, you sit. I'll cook."

Hermione watched Harry reluctantly take a seat at the table, but sit he did and she went about gathering ingredients for his favorite steak and kidney pie.

~S~

"Harry, he does have a point. It really is none of your business," Hermione stated as she and her friend got off the lift on Monday morning and headed for the Auror office.

Harry had questioned Severus on Saturday about his plans for himself and Hermione while she had been making lunch for everyone. She heard Severus tell her friend, in no uncertain way, that his and Hermione's relationship was none of Harry's business. While at the time Hermione had thought the exchange between her friend and lover to be amusing, after thinking about it over the remainder of the weekend, she discovered that she agreed with Severus.

"I'm just looking out for you, Hermione. I wasn't trying to be nosy."

"I know, but honestly." She turned to him as they walked past the doors and over to their cubicles. "Do you really want to know what Severus and I are doing behind closed doors?"

"No. But when I asked the question originally, I was looking for more of a long-term answer."

Hermione shrugged and removed her beaded handbag and long sweater, leaving them hanging over the back of her chair. "We've been together less than seventy hours, Harry. Well, physically together. I don't know any other to put it. We haven't made any long-term decisions."

"I know. I was just curious."

"Curb it for now," Hermione said, hoping he caught her tone of finality.

"Yeah, all right," Harry conceded. They walked down the hall together to the training room. Kingsley was already inside.

"Ready to practice?" he asked them both. Harry went first, lasting a full ten minutes against a barrage of dummies all casting nonverbally before he was hit by a leg-locker curse.

Hermione went in and performed the counter curse so Harry could leave and took out her yew and unicorn hair wand. She had not gotten much time in with it yet, but she felt confident wielding it in a controlled environment where she knew the attacks would stop if she could no longer handle it. She took up a defense position in the middle of the room and waited.

She got as far as taking on four dummies for just over five minutes before she finally got hit in her side with a stinging hex. She yelped in surprise and turned to strike back, but Kingsley had already ended the exercise.

"Well done, Hermione. You certainly have come a long way since September. Harry seems to be doing a fine job of moving you all along."

Hermione beamed at his praise and looked to Harry, noticing that Ron had come in while she had been dueling. "Good morning, Ron," she said pleasantly. There were deep circles under his eyes and he looked as though he had not slept well in days. He grunted at her in return and dropped his gaze.

"What happened to your other wand?" he asked, taking in the yew wand in her hand.

Hermione glanced at it. "Nothing. I bought this one when Severus and I went to Diagon Alley the weekend he replaced his old wand." She intentionally didn't bring up the fight, not wanting to think about it. Instead, her mind drifted for a moment back to when they had been in Ollivander's shop after the cypress wand had chosen Severus and he had leaned down to kiss her cheek.

Ron muttered something under his breath that sounded like a swear and stormed out of the room slamming the door behind him.

"What did I do?" Hermione asked looking between Harry and Kingsley.

"I'm pretty sure you didn't mean it, but when you mentioned Snape your face went all dreamy and your eyes sparkled for a second," Harry explained.

"Oh," Hermione murmured and felt the exhilaration from a minute before deflate inside her. "No, I didn't mean to do it. I should go say something to Ron." She started to walk out, but Harry grabbed her arm and stopped her.

"Let him go for now, Hermione. Even if you were to go say something to him, it's not going to make things better right now."

Hermione sighed and nodded. Harry was right. Ron was still too full of bitterness from everything that had happened since May 2nd. Even if she went out there with a heartfelt apology, Ron would not hear it.

"Why don't we all head over to my desk, and I will go over the training schedule for December with you both?" Kingsley offered, breaking the awkward silence that had fallen. He walked out first, leaving Harry and Hermione to follow.

"I want you both to practice these spells and start reading up on poisons and antidotes. Don't worry, Harry," Kingsley added quickly. "I will give these schedules to the other trainees when I see them later today."

"Can I come over for some of this?" Harry asked Hermione as they walked out a few hours later from an approved Apparition point into the chilly November afternoon. Kingsley had kept them for a bit to go over assessments. Then Neville had come in, did his practice, and they spent the next few hours dueling one-on-one.

"Absolutely. Maybe I can get Severus to show us some of these poison antidotes. We never did them because we missed our seventh year."

"There were more important things to take care of."

"Yes," Hermione folded her parchment and stuck it inside her beaded handbag. "I'm freezing." She wrapped both her arms around her body trying to keep warm. "Want to head over to the Leaky Cauldron for a butterbeer?"

"That sounds good. I have to go to Gringotts anyway."

Hermione let Harry wrap an arm around her shoulders and pull her in for a hug. She sighed, glad that she had him still as her friend.

She returned to Grimmauld Place through the floo network a little while later to find the kitchen dark. She lit the lights around the room and removed her bag and sweater once more, leaving them at the end of the table. She cast a revealing charm to see if Severus was around but there was not reaction. She was alone. He must have still been at St. Mungo's. Hermione decided to get dinner started so it would be ready when he returned.

After finishing the beef and vegetable stew, along with a fresh loaf of bread, she left the food under a warming charm on top of the range and went upstairs to shower and change into something comfortable. Just as she was returning downstairs now dressed in her pajamas, long pants and a long-sleeved shirt with slippers, she heard the fireplace roar in the kitchen with an arrival. Severus was just stepping from the grate as she walked through the door.

"How was your day?" Hermione asked, going over to the range to get dinner for them.

"Long, but interesting. We don't happen to have anything stronger than butterbeer do we?"

"Firewhiskey. But I can check the wine cellar. I don't think Harry would mind."

"I'll check, since I'm the one intending to imbibe."

"I'll have a glass if you are."

Hermione watched his eyebrow quirk in surprise, but he kept his expression impassive. He walked out of the kitchen toward the basement and returned a few minutes later with two bottles. Hermione watched him put one away in the dry pantry and collect two goblets from a nearby china hutch. "Have you ever had Elf-made wine?"

"No, just Firewhiskey and butterbeer," Hermione admitted as Severus popped open the bottle and poured some of its contents into the goblets. He handed one to her and she took it, observing the blood-red color before swirling it in the glass and sniffing it, enjoying the deep, fruity aroma. She sipped it slowly, and then a little more deeply as the rich flavor washed over her tongue and warmed her throat as she swallowed. "It's nice." Hermione smiled sheepishly, already feeling her cheeks warm from the alcohol.

"Best to take it slow, my love. At least the first time." Severus gave her a knowing smirk and sat back down, sipping from his own goblet.

"I thought we were past that." Hermione quipped back. She sipped the wine again and felt another flush in her cheeks. Perhaps he was right to tell her to take it slow. Or maybe she was a lightweight. There was only one way to find out, but tonight was not the night for that. Maybe he would be open to the idea of spending a night drinking with her when neither had to be up earlier for other responsibilities in the morning.


	15. Whisper

Disclaimer: See Chapter 1

 _I'm frightened by what I see  
But somehow I know  
That there's much more to come  
_

\- Evanescence

* * *

Chapter 15

"We received an interesting piece of mail of today," Hermione stated one evening at the end of November as she set the small shepherd's pie she had prepared for dinner on the table.

Severus looked up at her as he poured out two glasses of wine. "Interesting how, apart from the 'we'?"

"It's from the Malfoys." She pulled the envelope from her back pocket and handed it across the table. Severus set the wine bottle down and took it. She had already broken the seal on the back, and when he turned it over he saw that it was addressed to them both by name. He had a feeling he knew what was inside.

Upon pulling out the folded, silver parchment, he discovered he was correct. It was an invitation to a Christmas Ball being held on December 24th at Malfoy Manor in Wiltshire. Once again, he and Hermione were addressed by name. He read the details of the time and that proper dress was mandatory. A return acceptance was required no later than December 17th if they decided to attend.

"Would you like to go?" he asked as he stuck the invitation back into the envelope.

Hermione sat down silently and began to cut the pie. "I don't know," she said finally as she plated two servings and handed one to him. "I don't know how I would feel being back in that place after what happened the last time I was there."

Severus took the proffered plate from her, then set it down quickly and took her hand before she could pull away. She finally noticed as he held it how much her hand was shaking. "You know I would never allow anyone or anything to harm you."

Hermione nodded. "I do."

"Bellatrix is gone. I know that does nothing right now to comfort you, but you are safe with me."

"I know, Severus. I … I'll think about it."

"We don't have to accept if you don't want to go."

"I understand that. But I'm sure you want to go and see Lucius and Draco. See how they and Narcissa are faring."

Severus waved his free hand in the air dismissively. "I can live without. I have been in contact with both Lucius and Draco for several months now. We do not need to see each other to exchange pleasantries."

Hermione was not surprised by the admission. She had seen the envelopes addressed to Severus with the wax seal on the back. And she had seen enough of them in the past months to know if the letter was from Lucius or Draco. Lucius's contained two intertwined snakes, while Draco's only contained one. She had a feeling it matched the silver ring he always wore in school.

"We have a couple weeks before a response is required," Severus continued. "Take your time and think about it." He let her hand go and reached for his wine. "I won't force you into anything you are not comfortable with. Unless you ask me of course." He gave her a slightly wicked smile.

"Yes, lets change the subject." Hermione sat back in her chair, grabbing her own goblet and drinking deeply from it.

She took the remainder of the week to consider the ball, and after five days of hard thought on the subject—and a little delving into her own fears—she told Severus she wanted to attend. What happened the night she was a captive at Malfoy Manor was a memory she would never be rid of, but the physical fear was something she could at least try to conquer. And she was curious about Draco. Ever since Harry had told her about the night Severus murdered Dumbledore on top of the Astronomy tower, that Draco had not been capable of committing the crime, she knew he was not truly cruel at heart.

He knew the difference between right and wrong, and he was capable of showing it. Instead of killing Dumbledore outright, he disarmed the old wizard. He may have had his wand pointing at the late Headmaster, but he was no longer able to cast another spell against him. Despite being terrified for his own life, he could not take another's just to save his own. His benevolent actions that night in no way made up for the years he spent as a prat flinging cruel insults at them, but it earned him her respect as a human being.

On the night of the ball, Hermione took her time getting ready. She had gone to Diagon Alley the day after Severus sent their acceptance and had herself fitted for a gown. She kept it a secret from him, wanting to surprise him with it. When she was finally ready, she walked down the stairs slowly, not wanting to trip in the heels. Severus was waiting in the hall for her. He had not chosen anything more formal than his usual white shirt, black wool trousers and frock coat.

"I thought proper dress was required," Hermione teased as she descended the stairs.

Severus turned at the sound of her voice, and she was pleased with the expression on his face as he took in her dress. It was gone in an instant, but she cherished his reaction all the same.

He cleared his throat, watching as she stepped onto the landing. "Lucius and Narcissa know me well enough to understand that I will never choose dress robes if I can avoid them. And that was a reminder more so to the ladies being invited. It is Narcissa's way of giving you all an excuse to go out and purchase a new gown."

"How very kind of her."

"Indeed," Severus reached out and ran a hand down one of her long sleeves. "I have something for you. Call it your Christmas gift." He motioned for her to turn and face away from him.

"I thought we weren't exchanging gifts," Hermione stated.

"Yes, but I thought of this after we discussed the ball and your apprehensions. It took some time to craft and imbue with the proper magic and may seem clichéd coming from me, but I promise you it serves a higher purpose."

Hermione felt his arms come around her, and then he slid a necklace around her throat and fastened the catch at her nape. She looked down and saw a single emerald dangling from the silver chain. Beside it was a silver charm in the shape of a snake. Upon closer inspection, she realized that in place of the usual diamond pattern of skin were several runes etched into the metal. Protective runes.

She turned back to Severus not knowing what to say. In lieu of words, she reached up to wrap her arms around his neck and kissed him deeply. He returned it, holding her body against his.

"Thank you," she whispered when they parted.

"I made you a promise and I intend to keep it, Hermione." He leaned in and kissed her forehead. "Are you ready?"

She nodded and he took her wrap where she had draped it over the railing. After replacing the wards over the door once they stepped outside, she took his arm and together they Disapparated from the front step. She knew Severus was capable of unsupported flight and wondered why he chose not to use it. Hermione was curious as to how it felt despite not being a fan of flying herself.

They appeared on the grounds of Malfoy Manor a few moments later, and the large front gates swung open as they approached. Hermione felt a shiver run down her spine that had nothing to do with the cold as they neared the main house. Severus simply tucked her arm tighter into his and patted her hand. She pressed herself closer to his body, needing to feel him against her.

"You're safe," he whispered to her as they walked in the front door.

Those two words did more for her in that moment than anything else he had done or said all evening. A fraction of her fear melted as they moved into the warmth of the house. Hermione paused in the entrance hall, taking in the stark difference from when she had last seen it. Instead of dark and shadows, it was now brilliantly lit, almost golden. A massive Christmas tree that reached the second story of the hall stood at the far end, decorated with silver ornaments.

She turned away from it when she heard the first whispers behind her. It sounded like her name and Severus's spoken in a disapproving tone. She felt his hand on the nape of her neck, and he turned her gently away, guiding her further into the house.

The elaborate holiday décor continued, all green and silver in every room they walked through. Hermione tried to enjoy it, but sideways looks and murmurs followed them. "Ignore it," Severus spoke quietly in her ear. "It means nothing."

"It means something," Hermione whispered back.

" _They_ mean nothing. You do not know them, and they do not know you. For all you know, they may be admiring your gown."

"I want to believe you, but I don't think that's the case." They stopped in the entrance to the ball room. Dozens of tables big enough to seat four, draped in silver, had been arranged around the dance floor. Hermione watched as couples who were already waltzing move in a colorful haze in front of her. She wanted to feel as carefree as they appeared, but another tremor ran through her, knowing that beyond the ballroom was the sitting room.

And that was where she had been tortured.

The memory of the pain from Bellatrix's Cruciatus curse came upon her so quickly that she stumbled a little as Severus started to walk them forward again. He caught her around the waist before she could trip and moved her quickly into a private alcove nearby.

"I can't do this. I never should have come tonight," she panted, her eyes screwed shut.

"Breathe, my dear." He cupped her face in his hands, then moved them down her neck to hold her shoulders.

Hermione focused on his touch, the warmth of his skin against hers. She felt her hand holding on to the charm around her neck. She squeezed it gently and tried to control her breathing. Severus whispered words of encouragement to her as her mind cleared and she came back to the present.

When she could finally take in normal breaths again—she did not know if they had been standing there for moments or minutes—she opened her eyes to see Severus's obsidian ones regarding her with concern.

"Are you all right?"

Hermione let go of the hold on the snake charm he had given her and reached up to rub her temples with the tips of her fingers.

"Yes, I think so."

"Do you wish to stay?"

Hermione nodded. "I … I think I'll be ok. Just don't leave me."

"Never." He then leaned down and kissed her softly. When he pulled back, he offered her his arm once more and they rejoined the festivities.

Severus walked them around from room to room for the next hour, engaging in short conversation here and there with other witches and wizards who knew him. He introduced Hermione each time, never letting go of her arm. She participated as much as possible in each conversation when the topic did not center around a shared story from years past. The more they moved around, the more relaxed she became. She suspected that had been Severus's point in walking around for so long, to keep her moving and not thinking.

When it was time to sit for the brief dinner, Hermione was never so grateful to get off her feet. She had barely sat down in her chair and was discreetly trying to toe off her heels beneath the long tablecloth when a familiar, drawling voice speaking her name behind her made her turn.

"I know what you're doing, Granger."

Draco stood behind her with a very pretty brunette on his arm. Hermione forgot about her shoes and stood up. Draco let go of his date for a moment and reached for Hermione's hand kissing the back of it. She felt Severus come to her side and an arm snake around her waist. Draco's eyes glanced up at him, and he pulled back from her.

"Is that really wise?" Hermione asked, eyeing the brunette inconspicuously. She ignored Severus for the moment, but was glad he kept his promise of staying beside her.

"It's proper," Draco explained, taking his date's arm once more and tucking it back into his own. "Hermione, this is Astoria Greengrass." She watched his eyes shift to the girl beside him, and then back to where his former professor had materialized next to her. They fell to where his hand rested on her waist and he flashed her a knowing smile, making her cheeks pink. Hermione turned her attention quickly to his date

"It's a pleasure to finally meet you." Astoria said as she offered her hand. Hermione shook it. She appeared to be a few years younger than Draco, two at the least, which meant she was still at Hogwarts.

Hermione had always thought Draco would wind up with Pansy Parkinson. The two of them together always made sense to her. But seeing him side by side with Astoria, he looked happy, exceedingly happy with her, and she had to wonder when the two had met and how long they had been seeing each other.

"You as well," Hermione responded.

"Do I get an introduction?" Severus asked.

"I didn't think you needed one," Draco quipped back.

Hermione watched Severus eye the young man and then reach for Astoria's hand to kiss the back of it as Draco had done with her own. "A pleasure, Astoria. How is your year progressing thus far?"

"Much better than last, thank you, sir," she answered pleasantly.

"What year are you in?" Hermione asked, unable to reign in her curiosity any longer.

"I'm in my sixth year now. I just took my O.W.L.s before the holiday break. They were postponed after everything that happened at the end of last year."

Hermione started to ask another question, but all guests were requested just then to take their seats due to the meal being served shortly. Draco and Astoria took the two remaining seats at the small table with them, he and Severus quickly falling into a conversation.

"So what are you focusing on this year and next?" Hermione asked Astoria once they were settled. She tried again to toe off her shoes but gave up after several moments when they refused to slip off.

"Potions, Charms, Transfiguration, the typical classes. I have no idea what kind of career I want. I doubt I will even be able to start one. Draco's mother is pressuring him for us to marry as soon as I finish school. I know it sounds antiquated, but I feel excited about it."

"I don't necessarily agree with it, but if it's what makes you happy then you shouldn't deny yourself. I hope she's not also pressuring you about children. That would be taking it a little too far right now."

Astoria blushed prettily. "Not yet, but I know once that ring is on my finger and the binding spells have been cast it will be the only thing I hear from Narcissa. She's already planning the wedding."

"That doesn't surprise me. She seems the type."

"I believe she is excited for her son. It all stems from motherly love. I know Draco often feels suffocated by it, but I understand. I know I will love my children just as much."

Hermione wished she could feel as enthusiastic about the young woman's future as she did. But marriage seemed to her like nothing more than a formal agreement on parchment between a witch and wizard that outlined what they would and would not do with each other for the rest of their lives.

Maybe in a few years she would change her mind. For right now, she did not need anything making her relationship with Severus more official than they felt necessary.

After the last of the dessert dishes vanished from the table, a string ensemble set up in the corner of the ballroom began to play a series of waltzes. Draco stood up, and after stopping to whisper something in Astoria's ear to which she smiled and nodded, he walked around the table and offered Hermione his hand.

She looked up at him, confused for a moment, then glanced to Severus who gave her a small smile and a brief nod. She did not want to leave his side, but something told her she could trust Draco. She took his hand and let him guide her to the dance floor. He held her at a proper distance, one hand on her waist, the other holding hers slightly aloft, and began to move her across the dance floor.

"I like Astoria. She seems very levelheaded."

Draco nodded. "We suit each other well."

"I do feel bad for her. With everything your mother expects."

Draco shrugged, a typical gesture for the blonde. "Don't feel too bad for her. I'm not against marrying young. But I don't want babies right away. If Astoria wants to start a career I won't stop her. Why should I?"

Hermione smiled at him. "You've changed. I like that, too." He seemed more mature, more comfortable with himself since May.

"I never got the chance to thank Potter for coming back for me. He didn't have to do that."

"That's who Harry is. At that moment in time, it didn't matter that you had been his enemy and tormentor growing up. You were in need."

"Sounds a little bit like Snape. He'll protect anyone, friend or foe, no matter the cost. It's ingrained in him. Speaking of Snape…"

"Don't go there, Draco," Hermione requested. She did not want to discuss her relationship with Severus with someone that close to him right now.

"Hear me out, Granger, before you make any assumptions. I'm just curious. How long have you two been together?"

"That's really none of your business." She tried to make it sound like she wanted him to back off, but he was making no lewd comments or trying to be smart with her about it. Draco spun her out slowly and pulled her back. "Since October," Hermione admitted as his hand took her waist again.

"I never imagined him finding anyone. He never mentioned anything in any of the letters we've exchanged. But I'm glad. If anyone can beat him at mental chess it's you, Hermione." She felt her cheeks flush from the compliment. "You're good for each other," Draco continued, and he spun her out again. "You make him happy, I can tell. Also, I want to thank you for everything you did to save him. As my godfather, he's considered family."

Hermione was not as shocked to learn this as she thought she would be. She always figured Severus was close to the Malfoys, she just did not know in what capacity. Godfather to Draco made sense.

"I think that was part of the reason my mother asked him to make the Unbreakable Vow with her. She trusted Snape to look after me. And he did a fairly decent job. Except for-"

"Harry," Hermione cut in.

"Yes. The Vow was broken then, but he still did his part … in the end."

Hermione nodded sympathetically. "I know, Draco. You don't have to say it."

"Thank you."

"Tell me about you and Astoria. How did you meet?"

Draco smiled to himself and Hermione had to admit that he grown into a very attractive young man. Astoria was very lucky.

"We've been friends for years. Her sister Daphne was in our year. I don't know if you knew her in passing or not. But I used to tutor Astoria in Potions when she needed it. She's a very accomplished brewer now. She'd never admit this to her parents, or to anyone except me, but she actually wants to work for St. Mungo's."

"That's impressive."

"And if sometime in the future it's something she wishes to pursue, I won't stop her. But back to how we met." Draco paused to spin her a few times and pulled her back in. "During the battle, I Apparated into the castle. I know, Granger, it's impossible, but I did it. I went back primarily to get my wand from Potter. But my mother asked me to also check on the Greengrass girls and make sure they were safe. Their own parents had not had any letters from them in weeks and our mothers are very close."

"What happened to them that night?"

"Daphne and Astoria got separated at some point. I found Astoria first and made sure she found her way out. I never found Daphne, but I heard later that she had made it out as well. She didn't stay behind to fight. She needed to make sure her sister was safe."

"And is that when…" Hermione started to ask, going back to Astoria.

Draco actually blushed a little. "Well, she kissed me right before leaving through one of the secret passages and told me that she had always had a crush on me. I promised to take her out if I made it out of there that night."

"And did you?"

"Not right away. We exchanged letters back and forth for a few weeks before she brought it up. I took her for ice cream in Diagon Alley."

"That's actually really nice, Draco."

"She had a good time. And then we went out again, and again, and here we are."

"She seems really happy. And so do you."

"I am," Draco confirmed. He began to slow as the music ended. He kissed the back of her hand once more and thanked her for the dance. "Maybe again in a little bit?"

"If you insist," Hermione said with a laugh. She watched him walk over to Astoria and offer his hand to her.

Hermione did not see Severus sitting at the table any longer and glanced around, trying to find him among the other witches and wizards. She finally spotted him standing off to the side and flashed him a smile. She began to walk over to him when another young wizard came up to her and asked her to dance with him. Raised by her own parents to be polite, Hermione accepted.

After that, she danced with a few other young men before Draco came back to her. "You looked like you needed rescuing."

"My feet need rescuing," Hermione admitted.

"I can help with that." He pulled his wand out from an inside pocket of his jacket and pointed it at her shoes, casting a nonverbal spell. "Better?" he asked as he put his wand away.

Hermione tested her shoes. He had placed a cushioning charm on them so it now felt like she was walking on pillows. She swore she thought she heard her feet sigh in relief.

"Wonderful, thank you."

"I'm surprised you didn't think of it yourself," Draco teased as he took her hand once more and placed the other on her waist.

"I wasn't expecting to be dancing this much," Hermione admitted as she let Draco move her around the dance floor once more. He was by far the most accomplished of her partners that evening and enjoyed being in his company. It was almost like being with Severus, accept that Draco was her age and blonde.

He joked with her more this time around, making her laugh out loud as he spun her out and in. She grew more confident with her own dancing abilities. The last time she had had to use them was during the Yule Ball in her fourth year with Viktor. She had never gotten the chance to dance at Bill and Fleur's wedding. Draco seemed so much more at ease and it pleased her. Like it pleased her to see Severus at ease after everything that he had been through.

She looked over Draco's shoulder at the man in question and caught his eye for a moment. He was talking with Draco's father, both wearing intense expressions. Whatever they were discussing, it was serious. But Hermione did not have the opportunity to see any more as Draco spun her and whisked her across the dance floor away from Severus and Lucius.

~S~

Severus stood off to the side of the dance floor, sipping his wine and enjoying the sight of Hermione as she moved from partner to partner. She had chosen an off-the-shoulder, long-sleeved, emerald gown that went with the spirit of the holiday and a silver clip keeping her hair up in an elegant knot. The dress was accented with silver filigree at the hem, neckline, waist, and the cuffs of her sleeves. She was astonishingly beautiful in it and had chosen the specific colors for him as she had explained during the brief dinner when Draco complimented the gown.

"Good evening, Severus. It's very good to see you." Lucius Malfoy sidled up next to him, offering his hand.

Severus took it and shook it well-manneredly, turning to the blonde gentleman. "You as well. It has been a lovely evening."

"Thank you. Narcissa will be very pleased to hear that. She has been fine tuning this night to perfection for weeks." He sipped his wine, turning his attention to the dance floor. "I see Miss Granger decided to attend."

"I was allowed to bring a guest, was I not?" Severus asked, not understanding the man's meaning.

"Of course. We addressed the invitation to you both, but we were unsure whether or not she would accept."

Severus thought about this for a moment. He knew if the invitation for this evening had been addressed only to him, he would have invited Hermione regardless. But as to Lucius's comment, he supposed there could have been the possibility that Hermione may have declined to attend, considering the events that transpired the last time she was in this house.

"Green suits her well," Lucius commented as he watched Hermione.

"It does indeed," Severus agreed, feeling a smile tug at his lips.

"Have you considered marriage?"

Severus turned sharply to his long-time friend, taken aback by the inquiry. He gave the man a hard stare for a moment, attempting to determine whether the question had been in jest. However, Lucius appeared completely serious. Severus admitted to himself that the thought had crossed his mind once or twice, but the possibility of it occurring did not seem like a reality to him. Hermione was not the marrying type, and nor was he for that matter.

"I am twice her age, Lucius. Surely that would be considered inappropriate."

"Age does not seem to have stopped you two thus far." Severus glared at the man now, making him laugh quietly. "Do not be offended. I have seen the way you've watched her all evening, trading glances and knowing smiles."

Severus looked down at the goblet in his hand, speaking more to it than to Lucius. "She is dear to me."

"And therefore dear to us. Muggle-born though she may be, she is an exceptionally powerful witch."

"She is a stunning and remarkably gifted young woman." While powerful she may be, that was not what was important to Severus about Hermione. Hermione the person and who she had grown up to be was what attracted him to her, not Hermione the witch.

Lucius placed his hand on Severus's shoulder. "And I am happy for you both. I'm glad to see that you have found someone to share your life with at last. She completes you, Severus, and you should not shy away from that."

Severus sipped his wine, forgoing response. He knew all of this already. He had told Hermione as such on several occasions and never failed to let a day go by and not tell her how much she meant to him.

"I do want to discuss something of a more serious note with you, my friend," Lucius said quietly, moving slightly closer to Severus.

"Would it have anything to do with certain communications you have received?"

"Indeed. You have received them as well?"

Severus sipped his wine, unperturbed. "I have, and I am less than amused by them. What do they think they can achieve now without the Dark Lord? They are empty threats, Lucius. Pay them no mind."

"You may feel that way, Severus, but I am thinking about the safety of my family. Narcissa took the risk of lying to the Dark Lord about Potter's death. While that may have saved us all from time in Azkaban, if those out there who were not present in the Dark Forest and are still loyal to him discover the truth, it could be the end of my family. I am not willing to take that risk."

"You imply that there is no one for whom I care for more than myself to protect?" Severus asked, and he turned to the dance floor, his eyes fixed on Hermione.

"If you truly love her, Severus, you should do something. You are even more vulnerable than I with the press you have received regarding your actions and loyalties in recent years."

"Yes, Potter did a wonderful job of informing the Ministry of my true motives all this time," Severus responded sarcastically. He could not blame the young wizard for wanting to make sure Severus's name was cleared and that he, too, was spared time in Azkaban. But it had indeed left him vulnerable, a sensation that Severus detested.

"What do you plan to do?" Lucius asked, now sounding anxious.

"Nothing unless the need arises. I am more than capable of defending myself, Lucius. I am not afraid." He spoke the last sentence slowly, staring his friend in the eye. He did not mean to criticize, but ever since the end of the war Lucius had become more and more paranoid. These recent communications they had both received from various Death Eaters still alive who had been within Voldemort's inner circle only made him worse.

They both looked back to the dance floor. Hermione was now partnering Draco once more, laughing at whatever comment he was making. Her eyes sparkled brilliantly and she looked over the young man's shoulder at him, catching Severus's stare. She winked at him and returned her attention to her current partner as he spun her.

"She is the belle of the ball tonight." Lucius commented, motioning to Hermione with his goblet. His tone once more became conversational, although it still shook slightly.

"She has had an exceptional number of partners this evening," Severus agreed, though why the thought made him jealous, he did not know.

Lucius turned back to him once more. "And yet you have not been among them." Severus knew his friend meant the barb as a joke, but in all honesty, he did not dance, and therefore his brief moment of envy was not warranted. Lucius turned and placed his now empty goblet on a table behind them. "If you don't object, I would like to cut in for my son now. I think he has enjoyed Miss Granger's company long enough. And I know that if he does not dance with her at least once this evening, Narcissa will be quite miffed."

"Please," Severus offered, allowing the man permission. Their previous conversation was over for now. He watched him cross the floor as the current music ended and a new dance began. Lucius directed his son over to where his mother was waiting and stepped into position with Hermione. He held her at a respectable distance, one hand on her waist and the other holding hers aloft as they began to waltz. Hermione looked a little uncertain, but moved gracefully as Lucius led her around the floor.

He leaned down and kissed her cheek, lingering to whisper something in her ear, or so Severus assumed. He knew he was correct when Lucius pulled back and Hermione was blushing prettily, a demure smile on her face now. Lucius Malfoy was a man capable of exuding an exorbitant amount of charm. A talent that had served him well over the years. He also enjoyed flirting whenever he could get away with it, but Severus knew him to be wholly dedicated to Narcissa. There was no doubt in his mind that his friend was simply trying to enjoy himself.

When the music ended, he stepped back from Hermione, taking her hand in both of his and kissed the back of it thanking her for the dance. Severus placed his goblet down and walked over before another man could have the chance to step in.

"May I cut in now?" he asked Lucius.

"By all means." Lucius placed Hermione's hand in his own and walked off to partner his wife for the next waltz, but not before trading a dark look with Severus.

"I didn't think you would ever make it out here," Hermione teased as they moved into position. Where Lucius and Draco had danced holding her at an appropriate distance, Severus brought her in against his body, his arm around her back and held their clasped hands close.

He leaned down and kissed her briefly, whispering as he pulled away, "I thought it due time to dance with the woman I care for most in this world."

They had barely begun to move when Severus heard the first screams. They came from outside on the veranda. He reacted instinctually, pulling out his wand from his left sleeve. Hermione pulled hers out as well from a secret pocket on the front of her gown. He took a moment to admire her ingenuity, giving her an approving smile as she armed herself.

Several guests rushed back in, clearly panicked. He heard the words 'Dark Mark' as a few moved past him and Hermione towards the door out of the ballroom. He did not want to leave her, but he wanted to go outside to see what had happened. People were now moving past them in waves as they ran out. Hermione stood with her back to his, moving as he moved, never separating herself from him. He could hear her short breaths and feel the pounding of her heart in her pulse where his free hand gripped hers.

Draco rushed over with Astoria, both with their wands drawn. "The Dark Mark has been cast over the house." he panted.

"Where's Lucius?" Severus hissed, praying the man hadn't fled. Severus would have strong words for him if he had.

"Checking rooms. My mother is trying to get as many people out as she can through the kitchen fireplace."

"You don't think anyone has actually been killed do you?" Astoria asked, her face flushed. "Isn't that why the Mark is cast in the first place? Murder?"

Severus watched Draco grab Astoria's hand and pull her next to him, all while he ignored her question. He imagined Draco did not want to think about the possibility. But watching the young wizard for a moment, Severus realized that he seemed much braver now, ready to jump in and fight if necessary because there was someone on the line he truly cared for other than his family.

The four of them stood in a tight group, watching the rest of the guests exit the ballroom. Hermione and Draco kept their wands raised, ready. Her hand shook in his and Severus squeezed back in reassurance. He remained calm, his wand down for the moment.

Lucius rushed in, wand out. It was still lit from the _Lumos_ charm he had obviously been using. He was followed by two other men whom Severus recognized as other former Death Eaters that had been acquitted. Both had obviously been in attendance tonight, dressed for the evening in formal robes.

"There is no one here," Lucius confirmed. By "no one" Severus assumed he meant other Death Eaters.

"You've checked every room?" he asked.

"Between the three of us, yes. Revealing charms presented no one. Either they Disapparated once the Mark was cast, or…"

"They were among the guests this evening," Hermione finished.

Lucius nodded. "I do not know which is worse. That we unknowingly invited them in, or that they got through the wards on the house."

"Neither is good," Severus stated. "But there is nothing more we can do." He turned to Hermione. "Do you mind if we remain so that I can help Lucius cast new wards?"

"No, do what you have to."

"I'll help as well," Draco offered.

"Stay with Astoria." Severus instructed Hermione. She nodded, understanding even though her eyes pleaded with him to remain with her. He squeezed her hand once more and went off with Lucius and Draco to strengthen the wards over the manor.

Once they finished about thirty minutes later, he returned inside to find Hermione in the kitchen with Astoria and Narcissa. The older witch had Hermione in a chair by the fireplace sipping a large goblet of what appeared to be Superior Red. He was not surprised by the choice of drink, but more so that Hermione was nearly finished with it.

The alcohol seemed to have calmed her significantly, as well as the warmth from the fire. Astoria sat beside her, a cup of hot chocolate in her hand.

"Thank you, Narcissa," he said quietly. She smiled at him and nodded once.

"Thank you for being here, Severus. I know I can count on and trust you with the protection of my family."

"I will endeavor to do my best, as I always have."

"You are a good man."

"I am not, Narcissa. You and your husband both know this."

She reached and touched his shoulder. "You are, for her." She nodded to Hermione. "She trusts you. She believes in you. You should believe in yourself, Severus."

He glanced at Draco's mother with what he thought was barely concealed amusement at her comment. She merely smiled demurely at him. "She will make an honest man of you yet."

Narcissa moved away from him as Draco and Lucius walked into the kitchen. Severus watched her embrace first her son and then her husband. He had never known what loyalty to one's family felt like. He had only ever known fear at the hands of his own father. Once he was finally able to defend his mother for the brief period of time he could, Severus knew what it felt like to protect, to be dedicated in that sense. He had not wanted to see her in pain anymore, but he felt no obligation towards her. Rather, he was fueled by his hatred for her abusive husband.

The only individuals he had ever experienced loyalty for were the Dark Lord and Albus Dumbledore. But both men were gone from this world, never to return. At least not in any corporeal form in Dumbledore's case.

He walked over to where Hermione and Astoria sat in front of the fire. He stood behind Hermione and placed both of his hands on her shoulders to let her know he was there. She sighed in relief at his touch and reached up with one hand to hold his where it touched her skin.

"Thank you," she whispered without looking at him. She trusted him to stay there until she was ready. And he would.

Severus realized in that moment that Hermione was his family now. That he was wholly loyal to her above anyone else. He had already declared his love to her and that he swore to protect her. He would keep those promises for the rest of his life.


	16. Anywhere

Disclaimer: See Chapter 1

 **Note: Sexual content**

 _Forget this life  
Come with me  
Don't look back you're safe now  
Unlock your heart  
Drop your guard  
No one's left to stop you now_

\- Evanescence

* * *

Chapter 16

They returned to Grimmauld Place later that evening exhausted, but by no means ready for sleep. They had left Malfoy Manor shortly after Hermione finished the goblet of wine Narcissa had given her to calm her nerves, opting to Floo back instead of Apparating. Severus followed Hermione upstairs and checked the wards on the front door before going into the drawing room behind her. They rarely spent any time in here, except when a change of scenery was needed for the thought process. When they did frequent this room, they sat on the couch together reading separate books by firelight. It was a way of relaxing both the mind and body, and Severus wondered for a moment why they didn't engage in the activity more often.

He flicked his wand at the empty grate and a brilliant fire roared to life, immediately lighting and warming the room. Hermione dropped her shawl on one of the couches then stood staring at the fire. He watched her for a moment. She seemed undecided about what to do now that they were back. She toed her heeled shoes off and then sat down on one of the couches to rub her feet. Severus grabbed two tumblers from the small bar in the far corner and poured them both a measure of Firewhiskey.

He handed one to Hermione and sat beside her sipping his drink slowly, letting the evening wash away in the burn of alcohol running down his throat. The ball had not been as unbearable as he had imagined. Dancing with Hermione had been the highlight of the evening for him. And then it had all gone to hell after the Dark Mark was cast over the Manor. If there had been any Death Eaters present, they had Disapparated quickly. Or they had been in attendance among the guests and slipped out unnoticed during the ensuing chaos.

Once the Manor was confirmed safe, Severus helped to replace and strengthen the wards over the house and then returned to find Hermione sitting in the kitchen with Narcissa and Astoria. She had been nursing a large goblet of wine, and even though she finished it, her nerves still seemed frayed.

Her hand shook slightly as she sipped the whiskey he had given her. She got up from the couch and walked over to the fire, letting the light cover her feet. He heard her sigh as the warmth began to seep in to them. She set her glass down on the mantle and removed the clip from her hair shaking out the tendrils until they fell in their usual messy cascade down her back. She set it on the mantle then picked up her drink and sipped it once more. Severus watched her in profile, how her throat worked as she swallowed the liquid. He didn't know if she realized just how enticing she was to him.

He was shaken by the night's events as well. But right now he was thankful that they were back at Grimmauld Place, safe and whole. He was proud of Hermione and the strength she had shown in the face of what must have near debilitating fear for her. He could tell she needed a little bit of space, but she also needed him.

He finished off his drink and set the glass down on the table between the couches soundlessly. He toed off his shoes and socks and then padded across the carpeted floor to stand behind her, hands on her slender hips. Hermione sighed as he brushed her hair over one shoulder and leaned down to kiss her exposed one. She let her head fall back against his chest, baring more of her neck to him and he took her up on the offer. He trailed his mouth across her skin to the column of her throat, brushing his lips against her pulse point and smiled at the fluttering he felt. His fingers stroked the curves of her body through the thin silk of her gown and he longed to divest her of it.

"You were radiant tonight." He whispered in her ear, his hands moving to stroke her abdomen now. "The most beautiful witch in attendance."

"Flattery will get you everywhere." Hermione sighed in response. He didn't know if she was talking through an alcohol-induced haze, or if she was genuinely relaxed now.

"I certainly hope so." He ran his hands up the sides of her body, skimming the slight outer swell of her breasts making her gasp. He pulled back and began to undo the row of buttons down the back of her gown. "I think I understand now your annoyance with my clothes." He stated as he slipped the last button free. Hermione set her glass back down on the mantle and turned to face him. She pulled her wand from the hidden pocket of her gown and set it on the table between the couches. Severus followed suit with his own, wanting to know that it would be within reach if he needed it.

"Yes, but it is my second favorite part in undressing you."

"And what is the first?" Severus asked, watching as she began slipping the buttons of his frock coat free. Her hands shook slightly, slowing the process, but she got there after a minute or so.

"The end result." She pushed his coat from his shoulders and he tossed it on to the couch. He let her untie the cravat at his throat and undo the buttons of his shirt next. They joined his coat, creating a pile. She divested him of his trousers last, leaving him bare.

"I seem to be at a disadvantage now." Severus commented, indicating his nakedness while she was still fully clothed.

"Then rectify it." Hermione turned so that her back was to him again and he slipped her gown down her arms. It pooled into an emerald puddle at her feet, which she stepped out of and it joined his already discarded clothing. She turned back to him, left only in a single barrier of the thinnest lace he had ever seen. It was almost too pretty to remove. But remove it he did, and then grabbed a blanket from one of the couches and spread it out in front of the fire.

He laid Hermione on her back, watching with appreciation at the way the light danced over her skin. It warmed him significantly, but it was by no means as hot as he was about to feel wrapped up in her body. He moved between her knees, pulling her legs around his waist as he settled against her. She trembled underneath him, whether from the sudden cold at being exposed, or lingering nerves, he didn't know. But he was about to drive that all away. Severus raised himself up on his arms above her, watching her stretch her hands above her head. She sighed as she reached for him, wrapping her arms around his neck.

He leaned down crushing his mouth to hers and pushed inside her in a single stroke. Hermione made a soft sound of protest against his lips, but she was not rejecting him, merely taken off guard by his over enthusiastic approach. Severus tipped his head back allowing himself a loud moan in satisfaction, then lowered himself down to his elbows and let his head fall to Hermione's shoulder as he began to move at a steady pace. She tangled her fingers in his hair holding him to her, meeting him thrust for thrust. He angled his hips down and she pushed up at the same time, driving him deeper with each stroke.

The only sound in the room was the crackling fire and that of their eager lovemaking. Breathy moans and muffled grunts filled the air as their pace intensified. Severus had not felt this impassioned with her before. He wanted to maintain a level of control over himself so that he wouldn't hurt Hermione. But she picked up on his hesitancy and whispered to him, "I'm not made of glass, Severus. You can be rough with me. Please, I need it. I need to feel you."

That was all the confirmation he needed to let go. He fucked her into the floor until her orgasm triggered his own. It shot down his spine and he cried out her name, releasing deep inside her. They lay together panting for several minutes, covered in a thin sheen of sweat from both their exertions and the heat of the fire beside them. Severus pulled out slowly and lay down beside her. Hermione curled into his side, making a pillow out of his chest and he covered their naked forms with the oversized blanket.

"Thank you," She whispered, her voice already growing thick with exhaustion.

He wrapped his arms around her drawing her closer and pressed a kiss to her forehead. "I'll always be here when you need me, Hermione."

He remained awake, listening to the pattern of her breathing as it grew deeper and steadier. He didn't allow himself to drift off until he was sure she was asleep. And then at last, he let himself dream.

~S~

Severus awoke to the feel of Hermione shifting beside him. He felt her turn and then her lips were on his, her hand beginning a descent down his body. Her fingers wrapped around his semi-hard cock and he was instantly alert. He opened his eyes as Hermione pulled back from him.

"Good morning," She smiled, her fingers stroking him firmly.

"Good…uuhh that feels wonderful…"

"Hmm," She sighed and laid her head back down on his chest, continuing to move her hand up and down on his hardening shaft. They lay like that for several minutes, the room around them growing lighter. Severus finally could not help it anymore and flexed his hips into her hand.

"Not that I don't appreciate it, my love, but will there be more to this wakeup call than just your hand?"

"If you want there to be." She was being intentionally coy.

"I would prefer it."

Hermione propped herself up on her elbow and stroked him more firmly than she had been, pulling a little harder and twisting her hand around the head of his erection. He let his head fall back and a moan escape him. He reached for her, taking her waist and pulled her across his hips.

"Ride me,"

Hermione didn't hesitate. She lifted just enough to reach between them and align his body with hers and then sank back down until they were flush against each other. She approached this coupling with the same abandon as he had last night. He squeezed her waist when he wanted her to move faster or harder, and loosened his grip when he wanted her to go easy. They drew out the time together for as long as possible, holding each other's gaze.

When her muscles first started to quake and clench around him he drove up into her pushing her to the edge, and then sat up abruptly. Hermione looped her arms around his neck to steady herself, but he kept going until her back was to the floor and he hovered over her. He drew her knees around his waist and set a hard and fast rhythm. She responded enthusiastically, spurring him on with her gasps of pleasure as he touched every sensitive spot inside her.

His climax barreled down on him before he was ready for it and pushed in deep then held still as he released into her, groaning in relief. But just as Hermione came undone beneath him, a surprised shout from the doorway made him collapse on her.

"Oh Gods, I am _so_ sorry."

He didn't recognize the feminine voice right away, but he wasn't worried about that. Severus grabbed the blanket and quickly covered his own nakedness as best he could.

"Yeah…um…sorry, we'll let you two…yeah." Footsteps moved out of the room and down the hall before descending into the kitchen.

The second voice belonged to Potter. Which meant the female with him could only be Ginny Weasley. Severus felt properly ashamed, although he was sure it was nothing the young witch had not already seen with six older brothers and a boyfriend of her own.

"Happy Christmas," Hermione giggled beneath him.

"Happy indeed. I'm sorry, did I hurt you?"

"No, just taken by surprise."

"Yes, quite."

They gazed at each other for several moments before he leaned down closing the space between them. Hermione tangled her fingers in his hair, kissing him back passionately.

"We should get dressed." He stated when they broke apart. "Would you like me to summon some clothes for you?"

"Please."

"Any preferences?"

"Opaque."

Ten minutes later Severus walked out of the drawing room with Hermione hand in hand. He was back in his familiar black attire and she was dressed comfortably in jeans and the cream-colored sweater he had summoned from her wardrobe. They entered the kitchen to find Mister Potter and Miss Weasley making breakfast together. Hermione rushed in and hugged them both fiercely.

"I'm so sorry you had to see that. We had no idea you would be stopping by."

"It's…um…fine, Hermione." Harry cleared his throat and continued whisking eggs.

"Don't act like you and Ginny haven't been walked in on before."

"Only once," the young redhead confirmed. "And it was by Percy. So, you can imagine the awkwardness."

Hermione shuttered visibly. "I can, eek."

Severus moved around the kitchen and began clearing up a few things to make room for the impromptu meal they were apparently going to be having.

"Apologies," He muttered to Harry.

"None needed. Although, I had no idea you two were…"

"Do no comment." Severus stated firmly. He did not wish to relive that moment of exposure just now.

Potter nodded and turned so he could speak to Hermione. Severus continued clearing the table, catching the conversation even though it was not his intention to eavesdrop.

"So you attended the Malfoy's ball last night?" Potter asked, his tone hesitant. "I saw your gown draped over the couch upstairs."

Hermione blushed a deep scarlet, but resumed the task she had assigned herself of slicing bread. "We did. And it was quite enjoyable. Until later in the evening."

"Yes, it was in the _Prophet_ this morning. Along with another, brief article about it." Potter spoke slowly, his tone careful. Something about the article was either unflattering, or was going to make Hermione very agitated.

"What kind of article and how brief?" Hermione asked, her tone suddenly turning defensive. Clearly, she must have already surmised Potter's hesitation in bringing up the article.

Severus watched him hand Hermione a copy of the morning edition and she flipped through it until something she landed on, page six based on where she was in the paper, made her eyes widen in shock.

"That wretched woman! She promised!" Hermione hissed.

"It's not bad." Potter stated, trying to be reassuring. "Just…exposing."

"Yes, it is. That woman swore never to print anything offensive against you or I again, or I would expose _her_ secret to the Ministry."

Severus knew Hermione could only mean one person. Rita Skeeter. He reached his hand out toward her for the paper. Hermione glanced up at him, surprised because it meant he had been listening, but perhaps she didn't realize how loud she had become in her frustration.

She handed Severus the paper and he flipped it open to the main article about the ball. It covered mostly the appearance of the Dark Mark and whether the remaining Death Eaters that had escaped after the battle on May 2nd had found a way for Voldemort to return.

On the next page was the "brief" article Potter had described. Above it was a winking picture of Rita Skeeter herself, looking quite pleased and pompous as always.

She started off by covering a bit about the ball and the Malfoys, and how they had "narrowly" escaped sentences in Azakaban. She listed the names of some of the more prominent in attendance last night, remarking on the fashion and listed some quotes about the splendor. And then he got to the portion that had put Hermione into a tailspin.

 _Among attendees to the Christmas Eve ball at Mafloy Manor in Wiltshire yesterday evening, was former Death Eater and Headmaster of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, Severus Snape. He was recently awarded an Order of Merlin First Class for his years of bravery acting as spy for Albus Dumbledore among You-Know-Who's ranks. We would assume as the right-hand man to You-Know-Who, he was witness to and able to collect most valuable information detrimental to Harry Potter's defeat of He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. Many witches and wizards within the magical community have called in to question exactly how deserving Severus Snape is of this honor and whether our new Minister for Magic, Kingsley Shacklebolt, was right in bestowing it upon him._

 _While this is a topic for more detailed discussion, this humble writer will wait until a further time to delve more deeply into the character of Severus Snape. What was truly fascinating to discover yesterday evening about his attendance was that he was not alone. Miss Hermione Granger, as this writer has before described, walked in on the arm of Severus Snape. According to others present the two appeared, "very close and intimate with each other." They were even reported of stealing away into a private corner for several minutes before reappearing._

 _Miss Granger, as has been pointed out in the past, is an ambitious girl. She has been connected previously to both Harry Potter and Bulgarian Quidditch star Viktor Krum. Her tastes do not seem to have changed over the years, only that her choice is now, apparently, for older wizards. However, one can not blame a young girl, naïve in the ways of love and life, to crave an older man with experience. Though we can only imagine exactly what kind of "experience" she may be having._

Severus threw the paper down with a snort.

"I'm glad you think it's so funny." Hermione snapped at him as she made a fresh pot of tea.

"It's amusing, to say the least. Do not think on it, Hermione. If you would like I will send an owl to the _Daily Prophet_ with a strongly-worded letter of disapproval."

"It won't do any good." Hermione poured a cup and took a sip. She relaxed visibly for a moment, but then glanced to the _Prophet_ still lying open on the table. "At least she didn't include any photographs of us. You know, I don't even remember seeing her last night. Maybe she has an assistant who does the dirty work for her now." Hermione mused. She sipped her tea again and slumped into a chair. "Would you really send a letter?"

"Just tell me when." Severus confirmed for her.

"Tonight."

"Consider it done."

Hermione leaned back in her seat and finished the cup in her hand before pouring another.

"Tell me more about the ball." Ginny requested, sitting herself next to Hermione. Severus was secretly grateful that the young girl slipped in the change of topic. He watched her pepper Hermione with questions as he straightened his remaining notes and piled them safely out of the way of the space they would need to eat.

"You danced with Draco all night?" Ginny sounded stunned as Hermione described her dance partners from the previous evening.

"No, only twice. We had a nice conversation on and off. He's changed."

"He's still a git." Potter interjected.

"Perhaps. But he's matured a lot since May. I think if you took the time now to talk to him you would be surprised by how much he's grown up in the last year." Hermione admonished. "He's not a bad person. Oh, and he has a girlfriend." Hermione went off then describing Astoria and how taken she and Draco were with each other.

The rest of the morning was uneventful in Severus's opinion. Potter and his girlfriend left after Christmas breakfast using the floo. Hermione set about cleaning the kitchen and he returned to the new detoxification potion he was working on with doxy venom. He had the known antidote, and from that he hoped to create a secondary option should a person be incapacitated by more than one doxy and the antidote prove too slow. Granted they were not the most venomous of beasts out there, and truthfully he wanted to focus on more exotic species, but for now he was content working with the knowledge of beasts from England and Scotland. Someday he may be able to travel to the distant lands he wished to see and study within. And he fully intended on bring Hermione along for the ride.

The following week moved much too quickly from Christmas into the new year. At least it did for Severus, Hermione noticed. As his birthday drew nearer he became more and more agitated. He began grumbling at cauldrons again and slamming cabinet doors for no reason. Hermione looked up on the morning of January 9th when he shut one door so firmly she was surprised the wood didn't splinter from the force of his action.

She didn't say anything, not wanting him to know that she knew it was his birthday. It would only upset him more and he would have something to say about not doing anything for him. Or he would tell her to forget about it entirely. She let him go on with his muttering as he moved around the kitchen, gathering potions ingredients and stuffing them into a black satchel that she had placed an undetectable extension charm on like her beaded handbag. He grabbed some flasks and two of his many notebooks, adding them as well.

He stopped long enough to straighten his cravat and kiss her goodbye before throwing a small handful of floor powder into the grate. She watched him step into the fireplace and call out St. Mungo's before he was gone in a flash of green flames. Hermione set the _Prophet_ down on the table and pulled a small piece of parchment from her back pocket. She double checked the list she had written on it and made sure all the items were things she could obtain in Diagon Alley before coming home tonight.

At the end of the day Hermione stacked up the books she had been studying out of and clicked off her small desk lamp. She was anxious to return to Grimmauld Place. Just last week she had managed to wheedle out of Severus what his favorite meal was, hence the list she had made for Diagon Alley this morning. He was turning 39 today, and as she calculated his age in her head she was reminded once more of the difference between them. She had just turned 19 in September. There were enough years between them to constitute a generational gap. He was twenty years her senior, and she didn't care in the slightest.

Her excessive use of the Time Turner in her third year had aged her, but she didn't track it. Physically she was in her twenties now, but it was simpler, and saner, to continue year to year as though she had never accelerated her aging during that brief period in her life.

As she turned to leave, Ron came up to her cubicle, a small smile in place. He had had a much better day today in training. After the Dark Mark had been conjured over the Malfoy's manor on Christmas Eve, Kingsley was not taking any chances with his new recruits. He wanted them to be safe and able to defend themselves.

He had a proclamation passed for those in Auror training to learn and use two of the three Unforgivable Curses. Kingsley made it very clear that he was doing this only as a precautionary measure, and that these spells would be used by the Aurors as a last resort only. Especially the Cruciatus. They would learn to cast it only to incapacitate, not torture. This gained him some public support for the decree, although not amongst all. Several small articles popped up in the _Daily Prophet_ that Kingsley Shacklebolt was heading down the same path as Barty Crouch Sr. had when he gave Aurors license to torture and kill Death Eaters on site.

But Harry and Hermione knew Kingsley better than that. He was trying to promote security not fear.

They started with the Imperius curse immediately after the New Year, learning first how to fight it in the mind. This was more important in Kingsley's opinion than being able to control someone. Ron had been struggling all week, but today he had finally managed to throw off the effect of the spell and not perform the jig that Harry had been attempting to make him dance.

"Are you doing anything tonight? Harry, Neville and I were thinking of going out for a bit."

Hermione felt her heart sink a little. She and Ron had slowly been rebuilding their friendship, and this was the first time he had come to her with an invitation to participate in something outside of Auror training. She wanted to accept. She had not indulged in much social time with her friends all together in months. But Severus floated to the front of her mind.

"I'd love to, Ron…"

"But," He prompted when she hesitated.

She knew if she mentioned Snape it may upset him, and she hated to cause him pain. But if she tried to lie to him she knew Ron would see straight through it. "I can't, Ron. I'm sorry. It's Severus's birthday today. I…I'm surprising him tonight. I need to get back."

As predicted, Ron's face fell and he looked at the floor. "Of course. Wouldn't want to get in the way of your plans with Snape. Guess when you start sleeping with a Death Eater he's becomes more important than your friends."

Hermione's mouth fell open in shock. His remark hit her in the chest almost as sharply as his insult had the day they fought in Diagon Alley. "You are important to me, Ron. You all are."

"But tonight you have other priorities." Ron interjected. "I get it. Enjoy your time with Slytherus."

Ron turned and disappeared into his cubicle. Hermione watched him, swallowing back the tears that threatened to fall. She considered for a moment going to Ron and saying…what exactly? An apology? Even if she did Hermione knew she wouldn't mean it, not completely. She was sorry for hurting him, sorry for making him think that her friends came second in her life. But she couldn't be sorry for how she felt about Severus. She never would be. So, what was there left to say? Hermione could think of nothing. She took one more moment to collect herself, sniffed back her tears, and walked out of the Auror office.

 _Should have known better than to open your stupid mouth, Weasley_ , Ron chided himself as he watched Hermione leave. He looked around for Harry and Neville. They must still be in the training room wrapping up. All he could do right now was wait. He had stuck his head up when he heard Hermione's footsteps moving away from the bank of cubicles. He got up then and moved out of his, taking a few steps as she left the office. He looked around now, guilt starting to settle in his chest for what he had said to her.

He hadn't meant it to be as harsh as it came across, but he had meant it. It wasn't Hermione's fault she said no when he sprang the invitation on her last minute. He hadn't asked her out for some time. He would apologize to her tomorrow. Ron's eyes drifted to Hermione's desk, falling on a new picture that she had framed and put in a place of honor right in the front.

He stepped into the small cubicle and picked it up, wishing instantly that he hadn't. It was a photograph of her and Snape, most likely from the Malfoy's Christmas ball judging by the decorations in the background and color of Hermione's dress. They were holding each other in a traditional waltz position, one of his hands across her back and the other holding hers aloft but close to their bodies.

They moved together slowly in the photograph for a moment before Snape leaned down and kissed her. What made Ron's chest twist with pain was the image before him of Hermione kissing their former Potions teacher back, and the expression that came over both their faces when she pulled away. It was a look of complete adoration. The photograph started over and the two danced together for a moment before embracing once more.

Ron set the picture down and turned to leave her cubicle. Harry and Neville were just coming down the hall from the training room talking animatedly. Ron tried to listen in so he could participate and attempt to focus on something else other than the image of Hermione and Snape now burned into his mind.

"Ready?" Harry asked, snapping Ron from his thoughts.

"Yeah," Ron muttered, "Let's get out of here."

~S~

Much to Hermione's dismay, Severus was already back at Grimmauld Place when she returned with her bags from Diagon Alley. And he was cooking. She stopped as soon as she stepped from the fireplace, feeling her mouth fall open in surprise. She set the bags down on the table and slumped into a chair with a loud sniff.

"What's wrong, love?" Severus asked, settling into the chair beside her.

Hermione sat up and wiped under her eyes, removing the evidence of her disappointment. "I wanted to surprise you."

He looked at her in disbelief. "You knew about today?"

"I asked Draco. I knew if I asked you, you would never tell me."

Severus made a face and a noise in his throat of agreement. "I appreciate the thought, Hermione, but it is not necessary."

"I knew you would say that." She stated as she rose, crossing her arms over her chest as she turned away from the table. Tears suddenly threatened to fall again. She didn't understand why she was being so emotional over this. It's wasn't the biggest deal in the world, but it did upset her. But not so much to make her want to cry like this suddenly. She sniffed again, "Which is why I wanted to do it. I wanted to make today special for you."

"Every day is special so long as you are with me."

 _That_ made the tears fall.

She turned back to him, taking in the sincere expression on his face. Severus rose from the table and closed the space between them cupping her face in his hands. She let her arms loosen and fall so her hands could grasp his waist and hold on to him as he kissed her deeply. Severus backed her into the wall with a quiet thud making her gasp. He thumbed away the tears on her face and began kissing her again, making her moan.

Hermione felt him smile against her mouth and the next moment they were upstairs in the bedroom they now shared together. He pinned her to the closest wall capturing her lips again with his own. "Did you Apparate us?" Hermione whispered when he gave her a chance to catch her breath.

"I thought it the fastest route."

"In a rush are we?"

"Just to have you." He whispered against her mouth and picked her up, carrying her to the bed.

Within minutes clothes decorated the floor and soft grunts filled the air as they moved together at a quick pace. They lay together after wrapped in each other's arms. Severus fell asleep right away, holding her as close to his body as he could manage. Hermione lay awake for some time, staring off into the darkness of the room around them. Her mind went over and over her brief exchange with Ron earlier in the evening. The sting of what he said to her had faded, but the words still played in her head like a broken record.

She must have fallen asleep at some point, her brain finally worn out from all the emotions she had gone through, because the next thing she knew it was light in the room and she felt Severus's lips ghosting over the back of her neck. Hermione smiled to herself and turned in his arms so she was facing him.

"Good morning," He whispered, not bothering to give her any other warning before kissing her senseless.

The soup from last night was still on the stove, stone cold now. Severus put it away under a cooling charm for later that evening and made them both breakfast. Hermione busied herself with the morning edition of the _Daily Prophet_ , throwing sideways glances at Snape as he cooked. She had never seen him as the domestic type, but she figured if he had gone home during Summer breaks he must have cooked for himself.

"Hermione?" She looked up when he spoke her name like a question. He was standing at the cupboard where they kept potions for everyday use, holding an empty, stoppered bottle. There were remnants of a light pink brew at the bottom. "When was the last time you took this?" It was the contraceptive potion.

"Yesterday morning." She answered immediately. She remembered going over to the cupboard to check stock on a few things to see if she would need to pick anything up in Diagon Alley along with her shopping. "Why?"

"It's empty, I was just wondering. I'll have to brew another batch for you today. I'll have it ready tonight."

"Will that be a problem?"

Severus shook his head. "No. You took it yesterday morning, right?"

Hermione nodded. She was almost positive she took it yesterday when she was going through the cabinet. She had the bottle in her hand when Severus came downstairs. She remembered that she needed to remind him to make more, but then he had started banging around and she had put the bottle back and gotten out of his way.

"Then you should be fine until tonight. You took it less than twelve hours before we had sex last night. If you take it by tonight there shouldn't be problem." He appeared to be counting as he spoke. "Your last cycle ended twelve days ago."

"But I'm fertile up to six days in the middle of my cycle. I don't keep track of when I ovulate."

"You've been taking this every day since the middle of November. If you miss one day now it won't hurt."

"Are you sure?" Hermione quirked an eyebrow at him. "You're the one that told me it works best when I take it, and it would be best to take it every day."

"I said that to make _sure_ you take it every day, as a precaution. But every other day is not going to matter. Besides, who is the Potions Master in this house?"

Hermione gave him a small grin and returned to the paper, shaking her head. If Severus believed that missing a day was not going to throw her off, then she believed him. He was the one who brewed the potion after all and knew how it worked. _And_ he was the one who tracked her cycle more closely than she did.

If all was well in his mind, then all was well in hers.


	17. Dear Agony

Disclaimer: See Chapter 1

 **Note: Loss and tragedy in this chapter. If you feel you will be sensitive, please skip.**

 _Suddenly the lights go out  
Let forever drag me down  
I will fight for one last breath  
I will fight until the end_

\- Breaking Benjamin

* * *

Chapter 17

January turned quickly into February, and the first half of the month passed without notice. After weeks of practicing with the Imperius curse, and learning to throw off its effect, Kingsley had the trainees move on to learning the Cruciatus curse. This was the spell Ron had been dreading. He was afraid both of not being able to cast it properly, and casting it too effectively. They practiced on dummies to get the handle of casting mildly. It wouldn't require a lot of effort since they were learning the spell to incapacitate only, not torture. It took far more concentration to use the spell in that way according to Harry, who had no trouble with casting the curse, you had to really mean it in order to hurt someone.

To Ron's surprise, Neville also had very little trouble casting it. As well as Hermione. The other trainees, like Ron, were not as quick to grasp it. One was trying too hard to simply cast the spell and wound up reducing the dummy he was practicing on to dust. Kingsley, who was overseeing the first week of practice, spent more time with him than the other trainees. Harry split his time up between the rest that needed help.

Ron was angry with himself. He didn't want to look like a fool. He knew the other trainees thought the only reason that he and Neville succeeded so much of the time was because they were friends of Harry Potter, defeater of You-Know-Who. So, you would think he, Ron, would be capable of casting any defensive spell (the Cruciatus being an exception). That was not the case.

Ron stood a few feet back from his dummy and brought his wand down in a sharp swish and yelled, " _Crucio_!". A bit of red light erupted from his wand but it wasn't enough to knock the dummy over. It wobbled a little and then became still once more. He looked over at Hermione who was moving her yew wand in an upward arch, as though slicing through the air. He heard her cast the curse and a flash of red appeared, striking her dummy in the chest and it fell over.

She had improved immensely since they had started training just before Valentine's Day. Ron didn't want to think that her skill had anything to do with the fact that she may have been receiving private tutoring from a certain Death Eater, turned Potions Master, turned Death Eater once more. The thought annoyed him and he pushed it away. Turning back to his dummy he attempted the spell again. Remnants of his anger must have still been lingering in his mind because he was able to tip his dummy half way over this time, although still not completely knock it down.

"That was better, Ron."

He turned to see Hermione behind him. "Um, thanks. I'm having a little bit of trouble with this one."

Hermione smiled encouragingly. "It's a difficult curse to cast. I can help you, if you like."

Ron didn't want to admit that he needed help. He wanted to be able to learn this without it, as he had with the Imperius curse. But they had already been at the training for over a week and he had made very little improvement.

"Yeah, all right."

"Let's work on your wand movement first without saying the spell." Hermione pulled her wand out and, after glancing around to make sure they had enough room and were not in any of the other trainees' line of fire, she stood a couple feet apart from Ron.

He glanced around as well to make sure he was a safe distance from the trainee working next to him. Kingsley had set the room up for the six of them with twenty feet between each dummy for safety. But everyone had to maintain sharp attention around them in case a curse rebounded. Just because he gave them adequate room to practice didn't mean the space was safe.

"Very little flourishing is involved. It's easier to cast this spell using a slicing or stabbing motion, as though you were physically attacking the person with a blade." Hermione explained. Ron swooped his wand down in a diagonal cut through the air. "Yes, like that." Hermione made an upward motion with her wand and Ron copied it. "Good. Now try a stab." She jutted her wand out. Ron did the same. "Really good, Ron. Now try casting it."

Ron turned back to his dummy. Hermione stepped back a few feet giving him proper space. He stabbed his wand forward speaking the incantation. Red light burst out if it, but his dummy only tipped to the side.

"I can't do this rubbish." Ron sighed, letting his arms drop in defeat.

"Yes, you can. You just need to concentrate a little harder." Hermione stated, walking over to stand beside him. She held her wand out as though casting. "The way Harry explained it to me was like casting a Patronus. Instead of filling your mind with a happy memory, fill it with hate. I know it's not pleasant to think about, but you need to feel angry. Or at least feel the echo of anger."

"What makes you angry?" Ron asked, curious to know if it was something Snape had ever done or said to her.

"The fact that I had to erase my parents' memory of me and send them half a world away. I'll never see them again. It makes me angrier than most would believe. You would think I would feel sad about it, but I feel anger because one wizard's greed for power forced me to sever myself from the only blood family I have."

Ron hadn't been expecting that. But it made sense. Hermione only had her parents. She was a single child. Now essentially an orphan. All because she was muggle-born.

"How do you deal with that, though?" Ron asked. "On a daily basis?"

Hermione shrugged. "I try not to think about it too often. And I have plenty of other memories to dwell on that make me happy."

An image of Hermione and Snape together came to Ron's mind unbidden. They were dancing together. Embracing each other, an expression of deep love on both their faces. He was suddenly filled with a hatred for the older wizard that he had not felt in a long time. But it must not have showed on his face because Hermione asked him if he was ready to give the spell another shot.

"Do you want to try again?" She asked from where she still stood beside him.

Ron didn't answer her. He turned back to the dummy and raised his wand. With the way he felt right now he had better be able to cast this curse. Both of his hands were shaking and he could hear the pounding of his blood in his ears. He stabbed the wand forward sharply and shouted, " _Crucio_!", forcing as much anger into it as he could.

Red light erupted out of his wand, shooting forward to the dummy. But instead of hitting the target, it flew over the dummy's shoulder and ricocheted off the wall behind it. It happened so fast he barely saw the rebound. Ron heard Hermione cry out in pain from several feet away and turned sharply over his shoulder. The curse had struck her in her stomach judging from where she was holding herself.

"Fuck," Ron cursed out loud and rushed over to her. She had fallen to her knees and was gasping for air, still holding her middle. "Hermione, shit. I'm so sorry."

"It's…all right." She gasped out.

"Hermione! Hermione, are you ok?" Harry asked as he ran over, crouching beside her.

"I'm fine," She stated, her voice a little more even now. "It wasn't that bad. Just…unexpected."

"Are you hurt?" Kingsley asked as he, too, came over. Several of the trainees followed, making a little circle around the trio in the middle.

"No, I don't think so."

Harry started to help her up, but as soon as she got to her feet. Hermione cried out again, grabbing at her stomach once more, her knees buckling in obvious pain. Ron moved forward to help her up again, he and Harry supporting her on each side.

"Oh no, Hermione…" Harry's voice was filled with terror as he looked down. Ron looked down as well, noticing that blood was seeping through her pants down the inside of her thighs.

"Oh Gods." He whispered in horror.

"We need to get her to St. Mungo's." Kingsley said in a rush.

"I'll take her." Harry offered.

"Use the floo in my office, do no Apparate." Kingsley told him. Harry nodded and took all of Hermione's weight, and walked her out of the training room as quickly as he could. Ron shook as he watched them go. What had he done?

~S~

Severus stood bent over a work table taking notes on a new potion that he was distilling when a knock on the laboratory door made him look up. Prudence Bowery stood there with a somber expression. He felt his muscles tense and his nerves fire in response to it.

"Severus, you need to come upstairs." She stated quietly, her tone serious.

 _Is the child not responding to the potion I administered?_ He thought as his mind went back to the little five-year-old who had been brought in after being bitten by a Glumbumble that was inhabiting a bees' nest in the family's garden. It was not a serious wound, and the only effect the potion was countering was melancholy. The child had taken it only twenty minutes ago. Severus had planned on going up soon to check on the boy and send him on his way home with his parents.

"What's wrong?"

"It's Hermoine. Mister Potter just brought her in. Something has happened."

Severus felt his blood turn to ice. He threw his quill down and rushed past Prudence out of the laboratory and up the stairs to the wards. She followed him, telling him that Hermione had been taken to the Fourth Floor Ward. His stomach turned. The fourth floor was for spell damage. Which meant she had taken a hit in training today. A hit from the Cruciatus Curse.

"Severus, wait." Prudence grabbed his hand to stop him as he reached the door for the ward. "I need to tell you what's happened before you go in there."

He looked back at her in disbelief. How could she make him wait? His hand found the knob and he squeezed. She had a reason for stopping him, and it must have been a very good reason or she would not have said anything at all. "Tell me that she's all right."

"Hermione is all right, yes."

Severus felt relief course through him, but he narrowed his eyes. Something in Prudence Bowery's tone was off. She spoke as though Hermione was not the only one hit by the curse. Had more than one trainee been injured?

"What else happened? Who else was struck?"

"No one else was struck, Severus. Hermione was hit by accident by a rebounded curse. She is all right, however…" Prudence trailed off.

Severus closed his hand over the doorknob again. "Tell me, damn it!"

"She's had a miscarriage, Severus." Prudence whispered, tears falling down her cheeks.

Severus felt his eyes widen in shock. Surely, he had heard his fellow Head Potioneer incorrectly. _A miscarriage_?

"No…that's…that's not possible." Severus stated. His heart was beating very fast now and he could feel his breaths coming quicker and quicker as mind tried to process this information. A miscarriage meant Hermione was pregnant. But she couldn't be. They took precautions, tracked her cycle. There was simply no way.

"Severus, please. Calm down. You can't go in there like this. She's in shock as well. Adding yours to it would only cause her more pain."

"How can you ask me to calm down after what you have just told me?" He seethed.

"Please, come sit." Prudence took his arm and directed him over to the small assembly of chairs in the corner of the waiting area outside the ward. Severus let her lead him. Part of what she said made sense, about not adding his hysteria on top what Hermione was feeling right now. He needed to get control of himself first. But it felt impossible when fiber of him was pulling in the other direction, his mind screaming at him that he needed to be on the other side of that door with Hermione. She needed him.

"Where's Potter?"

"Upstairs in the tearoom. He was asked to leave the floor altogether when he refused to exit the ward after bringing Hermione in."

"How long ago?"

"Only ten minutes. She has not been here long. And the Mediwitches are still in there with her. It's going to be some time. You need to relax, and even if you were you would not be allowed in to the ward until told so."

Severus hung his head. He felt completely powerless. There was nothing he could do. Hermione was lying in there alone. He could only imagine what she was feeling. Pain, confusion, disbelief. He felt his heart crack but kept his face blank.

Prudence stayed with him over the next hour before a Mediwitch came out. Severus stood up quickly. She stopped in the doorway to the ward upon seeing him. "You may come in, Severus." She said quietly, both her expression and tone filled with sadness.

He nodded and turned back to Prudence, thanking her. She gave his hand a squeeze and offered him a reassuring smile. He couldn't return it. Severus followed the Mediwitch into the ward and down a hall to a private room. The curtain was drawn on the inside over the small window in the door obscuring Hermione from view from the outside. Severus was grateful for the discretion they had given her.

He paused at the door and turned to the witch beside him. "How is she?"

"Alive. And that's what you need to focus on right now." She told him.

Severus turned the knob and walked in. Hermione was lying in the single bed on her side facing away from the door. She didn't bother to turn over her shoulder and look to see who had come in. She didn't say anything as he approached the bed. He doubted she even heard him.

"Hermione?" He stood at her back and reached out to touch her shoulder.

She turned in surprise. Her face scrunched up when she saw him and tears began rolling down her cheeks. She turned over completely and reached for him. Severus waved his wand over the bed and it expanded to make room for him to sit down next to her. He pulled Hermione into his side and let her cry.

How this could have possibly happened was what tormented him the most. The contraceptive potion was supposed to be completely effective. Six months they had been together and her cycle came like clockwork every four weeks. There hadn't been so much as a fleeting thought recently to suggest anything was different.

So, what had happened?

Prudence told him that Hermione had only been six weeks along. Around the time most witches discover that they're pregnant, since they would only have skipped one cycle. In some cases, she had explained, the cycle still comes on time. Lighter, but still present. Which is probably what had happened with Hermione, and why she didn't suspect anything.

Severus counted back in his mind six weeks ago. The date he came up with suddenly made everything click in to place. His birthday. He remembered asking Hermione the following morning about the contraceptive potion and if she had taken it recently. The bottle was empty and the remnants inside had been dry. The bottle had sat like that for at least two days following the last dose. Which meant she hadn't taken it the morning of January 9th. She had skipped a day.

And she must have been ovulating that exact day. It was the only reason that made sense that he could come up with. No other way would circumstances line up so neatly like muggle dominoes, ready to be tipped over.

But these thoughts would have to go unanswered right now. It was not the time for them. His focus had to be Hermione and what she needed from him. And what she needed right now more than anything was his support.

She remained curled in to his side for what felt like hours. He wrapped an arm around her, pressing her head into his chest as silent tears ran down her face. Severus didn't try to wipe them away. For now, he let her cry. There was nothing more he could do. Nothing that could be done to fix this.

"How do you grieve for someone that you never even knew existed?" Hermione whispered, her tone heavy with defeat.

"I don't know." Severus responded. He hadn't even moved on to grief yet. He was still in shock.

Hermione turned her face deeper in to his chest and cried until she fell asleep in his arms. He must have fallen asleep as well because the next thing he knew he was being woken up by a Mediwitch and asked to step out so she could check Hermione to make sure the bleeding had stopped. He refused to leave her side, and what was more Hermione refused to let him go when she awoke a minute later. She almost grew hysterical when the Mediwitch explained and Hermione clutched at him, begging him to stay. He wouldn't consider leaving her side now even if it meant time in Azkaban.

Ten minutes later Hermione was curled up next to him again, trembling slightly. She had refused food and pain potion, although he wished she would have taken a little bit of the latter. She was clearly in discomfort and needed rest. But he wasn't about to argue with her. He held her until she fell asleep again. When he was sure she was out, he stretched Hermione out on her side first and then curled up behind her. He wrapped one arm around her waist and pulled her back to his chest. He would be here when she awoke again.

~S~

Her bleeding stopped after the first day and the Mediwitch attending her at the time told her if she ever decided in the future that she wanted to try again for children there should be no difficulty in her conceiving as there should be no permanent damage internally.

Severus knew the witch meant well, but her comment only led Hermione into another round of tears. She curled on her side away from him and sobbed. Severus could do nothing but lay there with her. It killed him inside every time, making him wish there was something he could do, or say, to take away her pain. But it was his pain, too. She had been carrying his child. Their child.

The topic of children had only come up once between them. The day after they had sex for the first time. Hermione had waited until Potter left that afternoon to ask him what his thoughts on a family were. Whether or not he wanted children. Severus had told her he had never given children of his own any thought because of the life he had lived. And he had not considered them since that life had ended. It was not the answer Hermione had been looking for and she made sure to tell him that. Severus had humored her at the time and told her if in the future children was something she wanted, then they would discuss it. For now, she was much too young, and neither one of them ready.

When Prudence first told him that Hermione had suffered a miscarriage, his first thought was agony. Over Hermione's pain, over the thought that they had lost something precious. But when he had been sitting in the waiting area outside the ward he allowed himself to imagine a family with Hermione. Of watching her stomach grow rounder and rounder. Chasing a small black-haired boy or girl with brown eyes and Hermione's nose around a yard. The same child standing beside him on a step-stool as he taught him or her how to brew a potion.

The pain that ripped through him was like nothing he had ever experienced before. Worse than the pain from Nagini's bites. He had refused to let Prudence see him cry, and bowed his head often while pinching the bridge of his nose to staunch his tears.

Now he didn't bother. Hermione wept beside him, inconsolable. And he let his first tears fall silently as grief finally took him over.

~S~

Hermione remained in St. Mungo's for the next few days to make sure there would be no lasting effects from the curse. Another Mediwitch came by to cast diagnostic spells and confirm that she was healing properly. After she finished Hermione fell back asleep, exhausted from crying so much, and the Mediwitch asked Severus to step outside with her.

He didn't want to leave Hermione, but he could tell from the witch's tone that whatever she needed to discuss with him she didn't want Hermione to hear. At least not yet.

"The curse was not entirely responsible for Hermione's miscarriage." She told him once they were out in the hall. "It was discovered when she was first brought in that the pregnancy was not viable to begin to with. She was going to miscarry no matter what. The curse only accelerated it."

Severus didn't know what was worse. The fact that they had lost a child before they even knew they had one, or discovering the pregnancy first and then losing it a short time later. He thanked the Mediwitch for her assistance, and returned inside the room saying nothing else.

Hermione awoke a few hours later, and he told her what the Mediwitch had shared with him. He didn't want to wait to tell her, knowing it would only cause more pain. And he knew Hermione was strong enough to take the news, but her response was not what he had been expecting. She remained silent, staring at where he held her hands. After he finished Hermione lay back down on her side.

She refused to eat, stating she had no appetite. Severus believed her at first, but after the first two days he knew it wasn't a lack of appetite. She had no interest. Her mind couldn't process such an everyday task. She was too consumed with heartache to want food. This worried him. If she refused sustenance for too long she ran the risk of depleting her magical core. He didn't want to see that happen to her again.

Severus waited until Hermione was asleep before getting up. He needed to speak to a Healer or a Mediwitch and get some advice. He would be able to take her back to Grimmauld Place in another day or so and he wanted to be prepared to help her in every way that he could.

Severus waved his wand and his doe Patronus came forth. He left it as a guard by the door in case Hermione awoke while he was still speaking to someone. Severus headed down the hall a short distance and stopped at the main entrance to the ward. A Healer was just coming out, writing on a clipboard as she walked.

"Collins, do you have a moment?" Severus asked, getting the young woman's attention. A female would be better to talk to about this than a male, Severus decided, considering the sensitive nature of the topic he wished to discuss.

Collins stopped upon being addressed and looked up. "Of course, is something wrong?"

"Yes and no. I'm concerned about Hermione." He explained that she was not eating much, and only sleeping when she was truly exhausted. He was worried about what was going to happen when they left St. Mungo's. "If this continues once we have returned to Grimmauld Place she runs the risk of committing serious injury to herself. I have no wish to see that."

"Unfortunately there is not much you _can_ do. She must make the decision on her own right now. You can not force her to eat or sleep if she will not do it. All you can do, Severus, is be a support system for her. The more you provide her with that the faster she will come out of this."

"I fear she is slipping into a depression. Can anything be done to prevent this?"

Healer Collins shook her head. "No. Her grief must take its own course. Just as yours must. You heal together, not apart." She reached out and touched his shoulder. "I have faith that she will be all right in the end. And so will you." She smiled reassuringly. "I can provide you with a list of nutritional potions to brew for her if she won't eat regular food. That way she is still getting something."

Severus opened his mouth to thank her, but turned when he felt a pull on his magic. He looked down the hall and saw that another Patronus had joined his doe. A fawn was standing beside it, nuzzling up against its side as though seeking comfort.

Hermione.

Severus walked briskly back down the hall and into the room. She was sitting up in the bed shaking, her knees drawn to her chest with her head buried in them. Her wand hung limply from her right hand where it was wrapped around her knees.

She looked up when Severus walked in, tears streaming down her face. He got on the bed beside her and pulled her into his arms. "I had a bad dream and then I woke up and you weren't here." She whispered, wrapping an arm around his middle as she curled in to his side.

"I'm sorry I wasn't here when you woke up." He kissed the top of her head and felt Hermione relax significantly. "Do you want to tell me about your dream?"

"I can't remember it now. I just remember feeling scared."

Severus reached forward and picked up her wand where she had dropped it on the bed. Hermione followed him with her eyes as he placed it on the small table next to them. "Did I cast something?" She asked as he put the wand down.

"Your Patronus, yes." Severus didn't mention that it had changed form.

"I don't even remember picking up my wand."

"It's ok, Hermione. Try and go back to sleep."

She yawned quietly in his arms, snuggling closer to him. "Don't leave this time." She requested as her eyes began to close.

"I won't." Severus promised.

~S~

Harry sat across from Ron watching his friend process everything he had just told him. They were sitting at the kitchen table at The Burrow. Mr. and Mrs. Weasley had gone into the village and Ginny with them. After hearing what happened to Hermione she had come home for the weekend to be there for her, Ron, and Harry in any way she could.

Ron had not shown up for Auror training for the last week. Harry was afraid his friend had finally decided to call it quits on the program, but he spoke to Ginny after the third day and found out that Ron had locked himself in his room and wouldn't come out for anyone.

He had finally spoken to Ginny through the door today. From what she could make out, Ron's voice had been thick as he cried the whole time, he was wracked with guilt over what had happened to Hermione.

Harry knew then that he needed to talk with Ron face-to-face. He wasn't going to let him drown himself in misery and simply give up. What had happened was an accident. Ron needed to understand that.

So, Harry had come over, and after promising to get the rest of his family out of the house so they could talk, Ron came out. He was a mess from having been in his room the last six days. Harry made him take a shower and then went down to the kitchen to fix him something to eat. Ron came down after almost thirty minutes in clean clothes and his hair still wet, but he looked a little better.

Then Harry had sit him down and made sure he ate everything on his plate before he started talking. That was where they were now. He had told Ron what happened after he took Hermione to St. Mungo's. Until then Ron had not known that the bleeding she experienced from the curse was a miscarriage. A fresh wave of guilt crossed his face and he hung his head.

"She didn't know she was pregnant." Harry explained further. "Physically Hermione is fine. There won't be any permanent damage."

"That doesn't make what happened any better, Harry. I hurt her. I cursed her. _Again_!"

"You didn't mean to curse her, Ron. It rebounded."

"Because my hands were shaking. She was trying to help me, telling me that I had to think of something that made me angry. All I could picture was her with that…with Snape."

Harry decided Ron had had enough of the conversation about Hermione. Anything else he said was only going to make him feel worse. So, he changed topics. "Why do you feel so angry about that, Ron? What about them being together puts you in a rage?"

"Because it's… _him_." Ron forced out. Although before he said it he had looked unsure. Like he had been about to say something else, then settled on Snape because it was easy.

"I don't think so. Not anymore. I think you're angry about something else."

Ron sighed deeply and picked his head back up finally. He looked utterly defeated.

"I think you're angry with yourself, Ron. I don't know why. And I won't make you tell me if you don't want to. But I know you don't hate Snape anymore."

"It's still all my fault." Ron muttered, pushing crumbs around his plate with his finger. "I screwed up long before she fell in love with him. I should have stayed there with her." He looked back up at Harry. "That first night at St. Mungo's. The night of the battle. I should have stayed there with her. Then maybe…maybe now…"

"There's no changing the past, Ron." Harry didn't want to make him feel worse by telling him that, yes, he had made some mistakes that night. But emotions had been high for all of them. Ron had just found out that his brother was dead. They had all watched Voldemort attempt to murder an innocent man. They had watched their friends die around them as they ran through the battle, unable to stop and help them. "Everything happens for a reason."

"What was the reason for this, then?" Ron stated loudly. "To remind me how I'm going to spend the rest of my life? Regretting the fact that I failed my girlfriend only hours after declaring myself to her? That I've done nothing but hurt her since then? Don't say shit like that, Harry, when you don't believe it yourself."

Ron shoved back from the table and stomped upstairs. Harry heard his bedroom door slam a minute later and let out a long breath. Now he felt like _he_ had failed. Failed both of his best friends in so many ways he couldn't count them all. He hated telling Ginny later that evening when they were sitting in front of the fire together that the conversation with her brother had not gone well. She promised to try and talk to him again in the coming days, but made no guarantee. Harry didn't even know if Ron was going to come back to training.

"What am I supposed to do at this point, Gin?' Harry asked. He had stretched out on the couch and laid his head in her lap. She stroked his hair for a moment, silent with thought.

"Just keep being the best friend that you can be. To both of them. There's nothing else that can be done, as far as Ron. He has to come to terms with whatever it is he's fighting with inside. Hermione…all you can do right now is be there for her. I want to go see her, but I don't think the time is right."

"Snape doesn't want anyone coming over to Grimmauld Place right now. Hermione's not up to it. She doesn't want to see anyone. It's going to be weeks before she can come back, if she decides to come back."

Ginny sighed and ran her fingers through his hair again. Harry closed his eyes and let his mind go blank with her touch. It was the only thing that soothed him anymore. And since she was still in school for the next four months, he took it whenever he could get it.

"Thank you for coming back, even if it's only until tomorrow."

"I was shocked that McGonagall agreed at all. I didn't think students were allowed to leave if it wasn't during the holidays."

"McGonagall is very fair. She'll make exceptions in certain situations."

"This being one of them I suppose." Ginny sighed. "I feel terrible for them. Snape and Hermione. They've been through so much together, finally find a little bit of happiness, and then this. It's awful."

"It is. I don't think I'll ever be able to forget Hermione's face when the Mediwitch told her she'd had a miscarriage. They didn't even ask what happened when we arrived. Just took one look at her and knew. They only took her to the fourth floor when I said she was hit by a rebounded curse. But, Gin, her face…I can't think of a word worse than devastated."

"I don't think there is one. I wish there was something I could do."

"Right now, there's nothing either of us can do. We just have to wait."

 _I will fight for one last breath  
I will fight until the end_

January turned quickly into February, and the first half of the month passed without notice. After weeks of practicing with the Imperius curse, and learning to throw off its effect, Kingsley had the trainees move on to learning the Cruciatus curse. This was the spell Ron had been dreading. He was afraid both of not being able to cast it properly, and casting it too effectively. They practiced on dummies to get the handle of casting mildly. It wouldn't require a lot of effort since they were learning the spell to incapacitate only, not torture. It took far more concentration to use the spell in that way according to Harry, who had no trouble with casting the curse, you had to really mean it in order to hurt someone.

To Ron's surprise, Neville also had very little trouble casting it. As well as Hermione. The other trainees, like Ron, were not as quick to grasp it. One was trying too hard to simply cast the spell and wound up reducing the dummy he was practicing on to dust. Kingsley, who was overseeing the first week of practice, spent more time with him than the other trainees. Harry split his time up between the rest that needed help.

Ron was angry with himself. He didn't want to look like a fool. He knew the other trainees thought the only reason that he and Neville succeeded so much of the time was because they were friends of Harry Potter, defeater of You-Know-Who. So, you would think he, Ron, would be capable of casting any defensive spell (the Cruciatus being an exception). That was not the case.

Ron stood a few feet back from his dummy and brought his wand down in a sharp swish and yelled, " _Crucio_!". A bit of red light erupted from his wand but it wasn't enough to knock the dummy over. It wobbled a little and then became still once more. He looked over at Hermione who was moving her yew wand in an upward arch, as though slicing through the air. He heard her cast the curse and a flash of red appeared, striking her dummy in the chest and it fell over.

She had improved immensely since they had started training just before Valentine's Day. Ron didn't want to think that her skill had anything to do with the fact that she may have been receiving private tutoring from a certain Death Eater, turned Potions Master, turned Death Eater once more. The thought annoyed him and he pushed it away. Turning back to his dummy he attempted the spell again. Remnants of his anger must have still been lingering in his mind because he was able to tip his dummy half way over this time, although still not completely knock it down.

"That was better, Ron."

He turned to see Hermione behind him. "Um, thanks. I'm having a little bit of trouble with this one."

Hermione smiled encouragingly. "It's a difficult curse to cast. I can help you, if you like."

Ron didn't want to admit that he needed help. He wanted to be able to learn this without it, as he had with the Imperius curse. But they had already been at the training for over a week and he had made very little improvement.

"Yeah, all right."

"Let's work on your wand movement first without saying the spell." Hermione pulled her wand out and, after glancing around to make sure they had enough room and were not in any of the other trainees' line of fire, she stood a couple feet apart from Ron.

He glanced around as well to make sure he was a safe distance from the trainee working next to him. Kingsley had set the room up for the six of them with twenty feet between each dummy, and a shield charm behind it in case it was missed, for safety. But everyone had to maintain sharp attention around them in case a curse rebounded. Just because he gave them adequate room to practice didn't mean the space was safe.

"Very little flourishing is involved. It's easier to cast this spell using a slicing or stabbing motion, as though you were physically attacking the person with a blade." Hermione explained. Ron swooped his wand down in a diagonal cut through the air. "Yes, like that." Hermione made an upward motion with her wand and Ron copied it. "Good. Now try a stab." She jutted her wand out. Ron did the same. "Really good, Ron. Now try casting it."

Ron turned back to his dummy. Hermione stepped back a few feet giving him proper space. He stabbed his wand forward speaking the incantation. Red light burst out if it, but his dummy only tipped to the side.

"I can't do this rubbish." Ron sighed, letting his arms drop in defeat.

"Yes, you can. You just need to concentrate a little harder." Hermione stated, walking over to stand beside him. She held her wand out as though casting. "The way Harry explained it to me was like casting a Patronus. Instead of filling your mind with a happy memory, fill it with hate. I know it's not pleasant to think about, but you need to feel angry. Or at least feel the echo of anger."

"What makes you angry?" Ron asked, curious to know if it was something Snape had ever done or said to her.

"The fact that I had to erase my parents' memory of me and send them half a world away. I'll never see them again. It makes me angrier than most would believe. You would think I would feel sad about it, but I feel anger because one wizard's greed for power forced me to sever myself from the only blood family I have."

Ron hadn't been expecting that. But it made sense. Hermione only had her parents. She was a single child. Now essentially an orphan. All because she was muggle-born.

"How do you deal with that, though?" Ron asked. "On a daily basis?"

Hermione shrugged. "I try not to think about it too often. And I have plenty of other memories to dwell on that make me happy."

An image of Hermione and Snape together came to Ron's mind unbidden. They were dancing together. Embracing each other, an expression of deep love on both their faces. He was suddenly filled with a hatred for the older wizard that he had not felt in a long time. But it must not have showed on his face because Hermione asked him if he was ready to give the spell another shot.

"Do you want to try again?" She asked from where she still stood beside him.

Ron didn't answer her. He turned back to the dummy and raised his wand. With the way he felt right now he had better be able to cast this curse. Both of his hands were shaking and he could hear the pounding of his blood in his ears. He stabbed the wand forward sharply and shouted, " _Crucio_!", forcing as much anger and hate into it as he could.

Red light erupted out of his wand, shooting forward to the dummy. But instead of hitting the target, it flew over the dummy's shoulder and ricocheted off the shield charm just behind it. It happened so fast he barely saw the rebound. Ron heard Hermione cry out in pain from several feet away and turned sharply over his shoulder. The curse had struck her in her stomach judging from where she was holding herself.

"Fuck," Ron cursed out loud and rushed over to her. She had fallen to her knees and was gasping for air, still holding her middle. "Hermione, shit. I'm so sorry."

"It's…all right." She gasped out.

"Hermione! Hermione, are you ok?" Harry asked as he ran over, crouching beside her.

"I'm fine," She stated, her voice a little more even now. "It wasn't that bad. Just…unexpected."

"Are you hurt?" Kingsley asked as he, too, came over. Several of the trainees followed, making a little circle around the trio in the middle.

"No, I don't think so."

Harry started to help her up, but as soon as she got to her feet. Hermione cried out again, grabbing at her stomach once more, her knees buckling in obvious pain. Ron moved forward to help her up again, he and Harry supporting her on each side.

"Oh no, Hermione…" Harry's voice was filled with terror as he looked down. Ron looked down as well, noticing that blood was seeping through her pants down the inside of her thighs.

"Oh Gods." He whispered in horror.

"We need to get her to St. Mungo's." Kingsley said in a rush.

"I'll take her." Harry offered.

"Use the floo in my office, do no apparate." Kingsley told him. Harry nodded and took all of Hermione's weight, and walked her out of the training room as quickly as he could. Ron shook as he watched them go. What had he done?

Severus stood bent over a work table taking notes on a new potion that he was distilling when a knock on the laboratory door made him look up. Madame Bowery stood there with a somber expression. He felt his muscles tense and his nerves fire in response to it.

"Severus, you need to come upstairs." She stated quietly, her tone serious.

 _Is the child not responding to the potion I administered?_ He thought as his mind went back to the little five-year-old who had been brought in after being bitten by a Glumbumble that was inhabiting a bees' nest in the family's garden. It was not a serious wound, and the only effect the potion was countering was melancholy. The child had taken it only twenty minutes ago. Severus had planned on going up soon to check on the boy and send him on his way home with his parents.

"What's wrong?"

"It's Hermoine. Mr. Potter just brought her in. Something has happened."

Severus felt his blood turn to ice. He threw his quill down and rushed past Madame Bowery out of the laboratory and up the stairs to the wards. She followed him, telling him that Hermione had been taken to the Fourth Floor Ward. His stomach turned. The fourth floor was for spell damage. Which meant she had taken a hit in training today. A hit from the Cruciatus Curse.

"Severus, wait." Madame Bowery grabbed his hand to stop him as he reached the door for the ward. "I need to tell you what's happened before you go in there."

He looked back at her in disbelief. How could she make him wait? His hand found the knob and he squeezed. She had a reason for stopping him, and it must have been a very good reason or she would not have said anything at all. "Tell me that she's all right."

"Hermione is all right, yes."

Severus felt relief course through him, but he narrowed his eyes. Something in Prudence Bowery's tone was off. She spoke as though Hermione was not the only one hit by the curse. Had more than one trainee been injured?

"What else happened? Who else was struck?"

"No one else was struck, Severus. Hermione was hit by accident by a rebounded curse. She is all right, however…" Prudence trailed off.

Severus closed his hand over the doorknob again. "Tell me, damn it!"

"She's had a miscarriage, Severus." Prudence whispered, tears falling down her cheeks.

Severus felt his eyes widen in shock. Surely, he had heard his fellow Head Potioneer incorrectly. _A miscarriage_?

"No…that's…that's not possible." Severus stated. His heart was beating very fast now and he could feel his breaths coming quicker and quicker as mind tried to process this information. A miscarriage meant Hermione was pregnant. But she couldn't be. They took precautions, tracked her cycle. There was simply no way.

"Severus, please. Calm down. You can't go in there like this. She's in shock as well. Adding yours to it would only cause her more pain."

"How can you ask me to calm down after what you have just told me?" He seethed.

"Please, come sit." Prudence took his arm and directed him over to the small assembly of chairs in the corner of the waiting area outside the ward. Severus let her lead him. Part of what she said made sense, about not adding his hysteria on top what Hermione was feeling right now. He needed to get control of himself first. But it felt impossible when fiber of him was pulling in the other direction, his mind screaming at him that he needed to be on the other side of that door with Hermione. She needed him.

"Where's Potter?"

"Upstairs in the tearoom. He was asked to leave the floor altogether when he refused to exit the ward after bringing Hermione in."

"How long ago?"

"Only ten minutes. She has not been here long. And the Mediwitches are still in there with her. It's going to be some time. You need to relax, and even if you were you would not be allowed in to the ward until told so."

Severus hung his head. He felt completely powerless. There was nothing he could do. Hermione was lying in there alone. He could only imagine what she was feeling. Pain, confusion, disbelief. He felt his heart crack but kept his face blank.

Prudence stayed with him over the next hour before a Mediwitch came out. Severus stood up quickly. She stopped in the doorway to the ward upon seeing him. "You may come in, Severus." She said quietly, both her expression and tone filled with sadness.

He nodded and turned back to Prudence, thanking her. She gave his hand a squeeze and offered him a reassuring smile. He couldn't return it. Severus followed the Mediwitch into the ward and down a hall to a private room. The curtain was drawn on the inside over the small window in the door obscuring Hermione from view from the outside. Severus was grateful for the discretion they had given her.

He paused at the door and turned to the witch beside him. "How is she?"

"Alive. And that's what you need to focus on right now." She told him.

Severus turned the knob and walked in. Hermione was lying in the single bed on her side facing away from the door. She didn't bother to turn over her shoulder and look to see who had come in. She didn't say anything as he approached the bed. He doubted she even heard him.

"Hermione?" He stood at her back and reached out to touch her shoulder.

She turned in surprise. Her face scrunched up when she saw him and tears began rolling down her cheeks. She turned over completely and reached for him. Severus waved his wand over the bed and it expanded to make room for him to sit down next to her. He pulled Hermione into his side and let her cry.

How this could have possibly happened was what tormented him the most. The contraceptive potion was supposed to be completely effective. Six months they had been together and her cycle came like clockwork every four weeks. There hadn't been so much as a fleeting thought recently to suggest anything was different.

So, what had happened?

Prudence told him that Hermione had only been six weeks along. Around the time most witches discover that they're pregnant, since they would only have skipped one cycle. In some cases, she had explained, the cycle still comes on time. Lighter, but still present. Which is probably what had happened with Hermione, and why she didn't suspect anything.

Severus counted back in his mind six weeks ago. The date he came up with suddenly made everything click in to place. His birthday. He remembered asking Hermione the following morning about the contraceptive potion and if she had taken it recently. The bottle was empty and the remnants inside had been dry. The bottle had sat like that for at least two days following the last dose. Which meant she hadn't taken it the morning of January 9th. She had skipped a day.

And she must have been ovulating that exact day. It was the only reason that made sense that he could come up with. No other way would circumstances line up so neatly like muggle dominoes, ready to be tipped over.

But these thoughts would have to go unanswered right now. It was not the time for them. His focus had to be Hermione and what she needed from him. And what she needed right now more than anything was his support.

She remained curled in to his side for what felt like hours. He wrapped an arm around her, pressing her head into his chest as silent tears ran down her face. Severus didn't try to wipe them away. For now, he let her cry. There was nothing more he could do. Nothing that could be done to fix this.

"How do you grieve for someone that you never even knew existed?" Hermione whispered, her tone heavy with defeat.

"I don't know." Severus responded. He hadn't even moved on to grief yet. He was still in shock.

Hermione turned her face deeper in to his chest and cried until she fell asleep in his arms. He must have fallen asleep as well because the next thing he knew he was being woken up by a Mediwitch and asked to step out so she could check Hermione to make sure the bleeding had stopped. He refused to leave her side, and what was more Hermione refused to let him go when she awoke a minute later. She almost grew hysterical when the Mediwitch explained and Hermione clutched at him, begging him to stay. He wouldn't consider leaving her side now even if it meant time in Azkaban.

Ten minutes later Hermione was curled up next to him again, trembling slightly. She had refused food and pain potion, although he wished she would have taken a little bit of the latter. She was clearly in discomfort and needed rest. But he wasn't about to argue with her. He held her until she fell asleep again. When he was sure she was out, he stretched Hermione out on her side first and then curled up behind her. He wrapped one arm around her waist and pulled her back to his chest. He would be here when she awoke again.

~S~

Her bleeding stopped after the first day and the Mediwitch attending her at the time told her if she ever decided in the future that she wanted to try again for children there should be no difficulty in her conceiving as thre should be no permament damage internally.

Severus knew the witch meant well, but her comment only led Hermione into another round of tears. She curled on her side away from him and sobbed. Severus could do nothing but lay there with her. It killed him inside every time, making him wish there was something he could do, or say, to take away her pain. But it was his pain, too. She had been carrying his child. Their child.

The topic of children had only come up once between them. The day after they had sex for the first time. Hermione had waited until Potter left that afternoon to ask him what his thoughts on a family were. Whether or not he wanted children. Severus had told her he had never given children of his own any thought because of the life he had lived. And he had not considered them since that life had ended. It was not the answer Hermione had been looking for and she made sure to tell him that. Severus had humored her at the time and told her if in the future children was something she wanted, then they would discuss it. For now, she was much too young, and neither one of them ready.

When Prudence first told him that Hermione had suffered a miscarriage, his first thought was agony. Over Hermione's pain, over the thought that they had lost something precious. But when he had been sitting in the waiting area outside the ward he allowed himself to imagine a family with Hermione. Of watching her stomach grow rounder and rounder. Chasing a small black-haired boy or girl with brown eyes and Hermione's nose around a yard. The same child standing beside him on a step-stool as he taught him or her how to brew a potion.

The pain that ripped through him was like nothing he had ever experienced before. Worse than the pain from Nagini's bites. He had refused to let Prudence see him cry, and bowed his head often while pinching the bridge of his nose to staunch his tears.

Now he didn't bother. Hermione wept beside him, inconsolable. And he let his first tears fall silently as grief finally took him over.

~S~

Hermione remained in St. Mungo's for the next few days to make sure there would be no lasting effects from the curse. Another Mediwitch came by to cast diagnostic spells and confirm that she was healing properly. After she finished Hermione fell back asleep, exhausted from crying so much, and the Mediwitch asked Severus to step outside with her.

He didn't want to leave Hermione, but he could tell from the witch's tone that whatever she needed to discuss with him she didn't want Hermione to hear. At least not yet.

"The curse was not entirely responsible for Hermione's miscarriage." She told him once they were out in the hall. "It was discovered when she was first brought in that the pregnancy was not viable to begin to with. She was going to miscarry no matter what. The curse only accelerated it."

Severus didn't know what was worse. The fact that they had lost a child before they even knew they had one, or discovering the pregnancy first and then losing it a short time later. He thanked the Mediwitch for her assistance, and returned inside the room saying nothing else.

Hermione awoke a few hours later, and he told her what the Mediwitch had shared with him. He didn't want to wait to tell her, knowing it would only cause more pain. And He knew Hermione was strong enough to take the news, but her response was not what he had been expecting. She remained silent, staring at where he held her hands. After he finished Hermione lay back down on her side.

She refused to eat, stating she had no appetite. Severus believed her at first, but after the first two days he knew it wasn't a lack of appetite. She had no interest. Her mind couldn't process such an everyday task. She was too consumed with heartache to want food. This worried him. If she refused sustenance for too long she ran the risk of depleting her magical core. He didn't want to see that happen to her again.

Severus waited until Hermione was asleep before getting up. He needed to speak to a Healer or a Mediwitch and get some advice. He would be able to take her back to Grimmauld Place in another day or so and he wanted to be prepared to help her in every way that he could.

Severus waved his wand and his doe Patronus came forth. He left it as a guard by the door in case Hermione awoke while he was still speaking to someone. Severus headed down the hall a short distance and stopped at the main entrance to the ward. A Healer was just coming out, writing on a clipboard as she walked.

"Collins, do you have a moment?" Severus asked, getting the young woman's attention. A female would be better to talk to about this than a male, Severus decided, considering the sensitive nature of the topic he wished to discuss.

Collins stopped upon being addressed and looked up. "Of course, is something wrong?"

"Yes and no. I'm concerned about Hermione." He explained that she was not eating much, and only sleeping when she was truly exhausted. He was worried about what was going to happen when they left St. Mungo's. "If this continues once we have returned to Grimmauld Place she runs the risk of committing serious injury to herself. I have no wish to see that."

"Unfortunately there is not much you _can_ do. She must make the decision on her own right now. You can not force her to eat or sleep if she will not do it. All you can do, Severus, is be a support system for her. The more you provide her with that the faster she will come out of this."

"I fear she is slipping into a depression. Can anything be done to prevent this?"

Healer Collins shook her head. "No. Her grief must take its own course. Just as yours must. You heal together, not apart." She reached out and touched his shoulder. "I have faith that she will be all right in the end. And so will you." She smiled reassuringly. "I can provide you with a list of nutritional potions to brew for her if she won't eat regular food. That way she is still getting something."

Severus opened his mouth to thank her, but turned when he felt a pull on his magic. He looked down the hall and saw that another Patronus had joined his doe. A fawn was standing beside it, nuzzling up against its side as though seeking comfort.

Hermione.

Severus walked briskly back down the hall and into the room. She was sitting up in the bed shaking, her knees drawn to her chest with her head buried in them. Her wand hung limply from her right hand where it was wrapped around her knees.

She looked up when Severus walked in, tears streaming down her face. He got on the bed beside her and pulled her into his arms. "I had a bad dream and then I woke up and you weren't here." She whispered, wrapping an arm around his middle as she curled in to his side.

"I'm sorry I wasn't here when you woke up." He kissed the top of her head and felt Hermione relax significantly. "Do you want to tell me about your dream?"

"I can't remember it now. I just remember feeling scared."

Severus reached forward and picked up her wand where she had dropped it on the bed. Hermione followed him with her eyes as he placed it on the small table next to them. "Did I cast something?" She asked as he put the wand down.

"Your Patronus, yes." Severus didn't mention that it had changed form.

"I don't even remember picking up my wand."

"It's ok, Hermione. Try and go back to sleep."

She yawned quietly in his arms, snuggling closer to him. "Don't leave this time." She requested as her eyes began to close.

"I won't." Severus promised.

Harry sat across from Ron watching his friend process everything he had just told him. They were sitting at the kitchen table at The Burrow. Mr. and Mrs. Weasley had gone into the village and Ginny with them. After hearing what happened to Hermione she had come home for the weekend to be there for her, Ron, and Harry in any way she could.

Ron had not shown up for Auror training for the last week. Harry was afraid his friend had finally decided to call it quits on the program, but he spoke to Ginny after the third day and found out that Ron had locked himself in his room and wouldn't come out for anyone.

He had finally spoken to Ginny through the door today. From what she could make out, Ron's voice had been thick as he cried the whole time, he was wracked with guilt over what had happened to Hermione.

Harry knew then that he needed to talk with Ron face-to-face. He wasn't going to let him drown himself in misery and simply give up. What had happened was an accident. Ron needed to understand that.

So, Harry had come over, and after promising to get the rest of his family out of the house so they could talk, Ron came out. He was a mess from having been in his room the last six days. Harry made him take a shower and then went down to the kitchen to fix him something to eat. Ron came down after almost thirty minutes in clean clothes and his hair still wet, but he looked a little better.

Then Harry had sit him down and made sure he ate everything on his plate before he started talking. That was where they were now. He had told Ron what happened after he took Hermione to St. Mungo's. Until then Ron had not known that the bleeding she experienced from the curse was a miscarriage. A fresh wave of guilt crossed his face and he hung his head.

"She didn't know she was pregnant." Harry explained further. "Physically Hermione is fine. There won't be any permanent damage."

"That doesn't make what happened any better, Harry. I hurt her. I cursed her. _Again_!"

"You didn't mean to curse her, Ron. It rebounded."

"Because my hands were shaking. She was trying to help me, telling me that I had to think of something that made me angry. All I could picture was her with that…with Snape."

Harry decided Ron had had enough of the conversation about Hermione. Anything else he said was only going to make him feel worse. So, he changed topics. "Why do you feel so angry about that, Ron? What about them being together puts you in a rage?"

"Because it's… _him_." Ron forced out. Although before he said it he had looked unsure. Like he had been about to say something else, then settled on Snape because it was easy.

"I don't think so. Not anymore. I think you're angry about something else."

Ron sighed deeply and picked his head back up finally. He looked utterly defeated.

"I think you're angry with yourself, Ron. I don't know why. And I won't make you tell me if you don't want to. But I know you don't hate Snape anymore."

"It's still all my fault." Ron muttered, pushing crumbs around his plate with his finger. "I screwed up long before she fell in love with him. I should have stayed there with her." He looked back up at Harry. "That first night at St. Mungo's. The night of the battle. I should have stayed there with her. Then maybe…maybe now…"

"There's no changing the past, Ron." Harry didn't want to make him feel worse by telling him that, yes, he had made some mistakes that night. But emotions had been high for all of them. Ron had just found out that his brother was dead. They had all watched Voldemort attempt to murder an innocent man. They had watched their friends die around them as they ran through the battle, unable to stop and help them. "Everything happens for a reason."

"What was the reason for this, then?" Ron stated loudly. "To remind me how I'm going to spend the rest of my life? Regretting the fact that I failed my girlfriend only hours after declaring myself to her? That I've done nothing but hurt her since then? Don't say shit like that, Harry, when you don't believe it yourself."

Ron shoved back from the table and stomped upstairs. Harry heard his bedroom door slam a minute later and let out a long breath. Now he felt like _he_ had failed. Failed both of his best friends in so many ways he couldn't count them all. He hated telling Ginny later that evening when they were sitting in front of the fire together that the conversation with her brother had not gone well. She promised to try and talk to him again in the coming days, but made no guarantee. Harry didn't even know if Ron was going to come back to training.

"What am I supposed to do at this point, Gin?' Harry asked. He had stretched out on the couch and laid his head in her lap. She stroked his hair for a moment, silent with thought.

"Just keep being the best friend that you can be. To both of them. There's nothing else that can be done, as far as Ron. He has to come to terms with whatever it is he's fighting with inside. Hermione…all you can do right now is be there for her. I want to go see her, but I don't think the time is right."

"Snape doesn't want anyone coming over to Grimmauld Place right now. Hermione's not up to it. She doesn't want to see anyone. It's going to be weeks before she can come back, if she decides to come back."

Ginny sighed and ran through her fingers through his hair again. Harry closed his eyes and let his mind go blank with her touch. It was the only thing that soothed him anymore. And since she was still in school for the next four months, he took it whenever he could get it.

"Thank you for coming back, even if it's only until tomorrow."

"I was shocked that McGonagall agreed at all. I didn't think students were allowed to leave if it wasn't during the holidays."

"McGonagall is very fair. She'll make exceptions in certain situations."

"This being one of them I suppose." Ginny sighed. "I feel terrible for them. Snape and Hermione. They've been through so much together, finally find a little bit of happiness, and then this. It's awful."

"It is. I don't think I'll ever be able to forget Hermione's face when the mediwitch told her she'd had a miscarriage. They didn't even ask what happened when we arrived. Just took one look at her and knew. They only took her to the fourth floor when I said she was hit by a rebounded curse. But, Gin, her face…I can't think of a word worse than devastated."

"I don't think there is one. I wish there was something I could do."

"Right now, there's nothing either of us can do. We just have to wait."


	18. Not Gonna Die

Disclaimer: See Chapter 1

 **Note: Discussion of loss. If you feel you will be sensitive please skip this chapter**

 _No, not gonna die tonight  
We've gotta stand and fight forever  
We've gotta fight for us together  
_

\- Skillet _  
_

* * *

Chapter 18

Severus stirred the cauldron in front of him without looking at it. His mind was far from the potion he was brewing for Hermione. He had prepared this particular concoction so many times in the week since they had returned to Grimmauld Place he could do it with just his wand and not stand over the cauldron every moment. But his love for Hermione and the need he felt for her to be healthy and whole again was too strong to consider shortcuts.

She had barely spoken a word to him in the days they had been back. At first she tried eating, but was immediately put off by it and on the second day he had begun brewing from the list of potions that Healer Collins had given him. Hermione drank them without question and he could see that they gave her strength enough to continue healing physically. It was the emotional part of the process that had him worried. When she was not lying awake, which was most hours of the day, she was attempting sleep. Nightmares plagued her every time she shut her eyes and true rest had become nearly impossible.

She was slipping into the depression that Severus feared, knowing that if she allowed the darkness of it to take her he would lose her. Perhaps permanently. It was a thought he tried desperately not to linger on, and an outcome he would give his soul to avoid.

Severus flicked his wand at the burner beneath the cauldron killing the flame and left the potion to sit and cool. He then went about his normal daily tasks. Anything to keep his mind busy.

At the beginning of the second week back, he was sitting at the kitchen table reading when the fireplace erupted into green flames. He looked up, shocked to see Potter's head appear.

"Is it all right if I come by?" He asked, his face full of concern.

"Yes, please." Severus responded. He set his book down and glanced up at the ceiling. Hermione had been asleep the last time he checked on her about thirty minutes ago. He had convinced her finally to take a dram of sleepless dream potion after her fourth night in a row of waking up screaming. Not in order for him to rest, but for her. She could drink all of the nutritional potions day in and out, but if she did not get enough restful sleep she would never heal properly.

Potter stepped through the flames carrying a large tartan bag. He set it down on the table and Severus quirked an eyebrow in response the sound of glass clinking inside. The other eyebrow went up as Potter began unpacking the bag, taking out several covered dishes of food and tins.

"Molly does realize there's only two of us here." He stated as Potter stacked the casserole dishes and tins on the table.

"She's used to cooking for a small army. And according to Ginny, these are all of Hermione's favorite foods and treats."

Severus appreciated the gesture but he doubted Hermione would eat any of it. He watched Potter finish unpacking the bag and settle into a chair. "How is she?"

Severus got up from the table, avoiding the question for a moment. He walked over to the cauldrons he had been brewing in that morning and ladled out one cup of each potion and set them on a small tray. "Not well." He finally answered once he was done with his task. "She is not talking, and barely sleeps. She takes the potions that I've been making for her, but has no appetite for real food."

Severus sat down in the chair closest to his work station feeling utterly defeated. This was the second time he had allowed Potter to witness him in such a state. The first time it had been awkward, when he explained his feelings for the boy's mother and how they compared to his feelings for Hermione at the time. Now he just did not have it in him to care.

"I don't know what I can do to reach her. I'm losing her. I fear that if I can not find a way to help her she will become a shell of the person she used to be. Her brightness, warmth…it will all be gone. I can not bear to see that happen."

Silence fell over them. He didn't expect Potter to have much to say. It was a lot to process and a topic that neither one of them, he was sure, wanted to talk about with the other.

"Ron won't speak to anyone either."

Severus looked up. He had completely forgotten about Ronald Weasley in the days since he had brought Hermione back from St. Mungo's. The curse was not entirely responsible for what had happened. He knew that. Even if Hermione had not been struck she would have lost the pregnancy eventually. As the Mediwitch had explained at St. Mungo's, it was not viable to begin with.

Severus knew this information was a very large part of Hermione's current mental state. He could only imagine what she was feeling.

"He's wracked with guilt over this. I tried to talk to him, but it didn't end well. Ginny managed a brief conversation with him when she was home last weekend, but since then he hasn't spoken a word to anyone, or come out of his room. I don't know what to say or do either. For both of them. All I want in the end is for them…I just want my friends to be happy again. To see Hermione smile and know that she's ok."

Severus pinched the bridge of his nose. He wanted the same for Hermione as well. For her to be healthy and whole once more with him. "Her Patronus changed form." He stated suddenly.

Harry looked up at this, surprise evident on his face. The last time either of them had witnessed a Patronus changing form was with Tonks when it took on the shape of a large wolf in response to her falling in love with Lupin.

"What did it change to?"

"A fawn. The juvenile form complimentary to my doe. Mother and child. More specifically guardian and dependent." Severus paused as he considered his thoughts. "Not that Hermione is dependent on me for protection, we both know that she is more than capable in defending herself, but she is dependent on me for support." Which he was providing unfailingly.

"And who is supporting you?" Harry asked. "Because you know you can't handle this on your own. If Hermione isn't talking to you, then the conversations that you both need to have are not happening, and you're not healing properly either."

Severus knew this was true. And again he went back to feeling defeated. He did not know what to do to help Hermione open up to him. They needed to talk, as Potter said. They needed to get out everything they were both feeling, and do it together. The longer it remained bottled up inside between them the worse it was going to be when they finally did speak again.

"Ronald Weasley was not responsible for what happened. The pregnancy was not viable and Hermione would have lost…it would have terminated on its own in time. Being struck with the curse only caused it to happen sooner than nature intended."

Harry's mouth fell open a little. "Hermione must have been beyond devastated."

"There was no consoling her at the time when the Mediwitch explained it. She has not told me so, but I expect she feels as though she has failed to protect our child."

"And Hermione does not deal with failure well."

"Potter, there is no "dealing with it" in this case. In her mind she has failed not only our child, but me as well. As I said, she has not spoken these thoughts to me."

"You mean you used Legilimency on her? In her current state?" Harry's tone switched from one of concern to angry and defensive.

"Do not think I would take advantage of her right now. Her emotions are all over the place. I am so attuned to her now that it takes hardly any effort to sense her emotions and thoughts."

Harry let out a breath. "I'm sorry. She's my best friend."

"And you feel protective of her, I understand. But do not forget that I feel the same. And I have sworn to protect her. I will not go back on my vows, Potter. I never do."

"Is it pointless to offer talking with her myself?"

Severus shook his head. "It's not pointless. Though right now I doubt she will speak with you either."

"I figured. Just wanted to offer." Harry said as he stood, clearly ready to go.

"And I appreciate it. Let me try with her a little longer."

"I'm here for both of you." Harry stated seriously. "Ginny as well. She'll be home again for the Easter holiday next month. Hopefully…hopefully Hermione…"

"Yes, hopefully." Severus finished for the young man.

After Potter returned to The Burrow, Severus put away anything perishable that he had brought over and stored the tins in the pantry for now. He then took the tray of potions upstairs. Hermione was still asleep when he opened the door. She lay on her side facing him, her features at peace in rest. Part of his heart ached knowing this was so only because she took a potion that allowed her to sleep without nightmares.

He set the tray down and waved his wand so the curtains closed over the window blocking out the light. Severus curled up behind Hermione, one arm around her waist. He pulled her as close to him as possible, burying his nose in her hair. It was enough for him right now to hold her, knowing that while she slept there was only so much support he could offer. Being there when she woke the most important of all.

~S~

The moment the curse struck her Hermione was overcome with the familiar pain she had experienced before. She doubled over holding her abdomen, panting as the shock to her nerves faded. She remembered Harry and Ron asking her if she was all right. She remembered trying to stand, but as soon as she managed to attain an upright position she doubled over again.

This pain was new.

It ripped through her and then seemed to concentrate where she was struck. Her vision blurred and the voices around her became muffled. She could feel someone lifting her, pulling her along. And then she was spinning. Spinning so fast that as soon as it stopped she was sick. Now she was being carried. Multiple voices were talking all around her. One was saying to take her through to the Emergency Ward, the other was saying she had been struck by a rebound spell, she had to go to the Fourth Floor.

Whatever was determined, she was laid down on a soft surface and was being moved. Hermione's mind finally comprehended. She was at St. Mungo's. Her vision cleared a little and she recognized Harry's untidy black hair above her. He was holding her hand and moving alongside the stretcher that she was lying on as it levitated through the halls.

"Hermione, I'm so sorry." He said to her.

"Wh…What happened?"

"Don't worry about that right now, dear. We need to get you upstairs." A female voice on her other side stated.

Hermione turned her head. Prudence Bowery was on her other side. Her vision began to blur again as pain moved across her abdomen once more. She could hear herself whine, but it sounded so far away. Her mind focused in and out for some time. She didn't know how long. She was moved from the stretcher to a bed and more female voices surrounded her.

She was cold for a few moments and then something soft was around her. She was adjusted on the bed and remained like that for a while. The world focused in and out around her and voices buzzed in her ears. She caught words every now and then, spoken in hushed tones. "…lasting damage…internal injury…miscarriage…"

The last one made her blink. Her vision went blurry with tears. She remained still, but her mind was screaming. Begging and pleading to be anywhere except where she was. It was impossible. How could she have had a miscarriage? Hermione's brain refused to process, though one tiny part of it knew the Meditwitches around her were speaking the truth.

Her head lolled to the side and she stared at the far wall. Everything around her faded away until she felt someone adjusting her on the bed. She was covered with a blanket and then there was shift as a body sat down near her.

"Hermione?" A soft, female voice asked.

She blinked in response, but did not look away from the spot on the wall that she had been staring at for who knew how long now.

"Hermione? Do you understand what has happened?"

She blinked again, tears rolling down her cheeks. She managed to nod her head a few times, acknowledging the woman beside her. But she still did not turn.

Her bed shifted as the Mediwitch rose and Hermione heard a door open and close a moment later. When nothing but silence surrounded her, she turned her face into the pillow and cried.

She didn't know if it was moments or minutes later when she finally heard the one voice she had been longing for since Harry muttered 'oh no'.

"Hermione,"

She turned immediately, looking up into Severus's sad, dark eyes. She reached her arms out for him, needing him to hold her. He obliged without hesitating, expanding the bed so he had the room to sit beside her and pull her into his embrace. She cried until she fell asleep.

Time slipped by in a haze. She slept. She cried. She dreamed.

She remembered bits and pieces of conversation as her mind continued to focus in and out. The miscarriage had ultimately occurred because of the curse she was struck with. But if she hadn't been struck, it would have happened eventually regardless. Because the pregnancy had not been viable. Her body was already rejecting the child growing inside her. Severus's child, their child. It was not compatible.

That truth hurt more than anything.

More than the fact that in some way she had failed.

She had not been capable of carrying Severus's child. She couldn't protect it.

Hermione tried not to let these thoughts control her mind. She tried to hold off the darkness that she could feel creeping up on her every time she shut her eyes. She purposely didn't sleep just to avoid the nightmares. But she could only stay awake for so long before exhaustion took her and she slipped back into the void inside her head. Part of her shut down and she welcomed the numbness that it brought. But it only worked for so long before reality crashed down around her once more and she was reminded of what she, they, had lost.

~S~

"How long has she been like this?"

"Three weeks."

"Has she said _anything_?"

"Rarely. She cries out in her sleep, and wakes up begging me to hold her. But nothing more than that."

Hermione opened her eyes slowly, the voices out in the hall having woken her. It was Harry and Severus, going back and forth. She closed her eyes again.

"Is she eating?"

"Some, but not nearly enough. She's healing, but more slowly than anticipated because of it. And the lack of proper rest."

"Have you tried other potions?"

"Only the nutritional ones and the occasional dose of dreamless sleep when she'll take it. She won't even take pain potion, and I know she needs it."

"I don't think me talking with her is going to do much good, if any."

Hermione opened her eyes again as a third voice joined the conversation. A voice, besides Harry's, that she had not heard in weeks. His face swam into view in her mind, blue eyes wide with fear and guilt.

"You have to at least try, Ron. She won't talk to me, or Snape."

"To be fair, Potter, you have not gone in there to try and speak to her."

"No, but according to you she has no interest in speaking to me."

"That does not mean you should not try."

"So…what do I do?"

"Go with your heart, Mister Weasley. Whatever it tells you to say, say it."

Hermione shut her eyes when she heard the door open. It creaked with age, and the noise was followed by soft footsteps. She closed her eyes again, hoping that feigning sleep would be enough. Ron sat down on the edge of the bed closest to her. And he sat there for several minutes, Hermione knew, because she counted the moments as they passed.

"I should have told you that I loved you long before we went down into the Chamber together." Ron started. "I should have told you in that first Charms class how great I thought you were. So many times over the years I had the opportunities. And so many times I wasted them. But you were always there. No matter what we disagreed or fought about. You were steadfast amongst the three of us."

Hermione felt his weight shift as he moved a little closer. "I should have told you so many times over how grateful I am that you're a part of my life, Hermione. Because you are. No one has ever been a better friend than you. And I am so, so sorry for everything. Everything that's gone wrong. Everything that broke between us."

Ron paused, breathing quietly for a minute." I've been angry." He started again, his voice wistful. " _So angry_. For so long. And at first I was angry with the world. After Fred died I focused that anger on those people that took him from my family. I hated them. I didn't care that night that Snape was no longer a Death Eater. I'd just lost my brother and all I saw was a man that we knew to be a traitor. I wanted him to die for the things that he had done. I didn't have your compassion or understanding. And I should have. I should have stayed with you. For you. It's taken me months to make peace with that. The things I should have done that night…should have said to you. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me."

He moved closer again. Hermione felt his hand near her own. "And that's made me realize that for the past few months the focus of my anger has shifted. I don't hate Snape. I'm not angry with him, or at him. I've come to understand that he's not at fault for the battle, or the deaths of everyone that lost their lives that night. I can't be angry with the man who makes you happy and brings joy to your life. I can't hate someone that loves you the way you deserved to be loved."

Hermione felt tears build in her eyes and she sniffed quietly. She turned her face away as discreetly as she could, hoping Ron didn't notice. The pillowcase below her was damp within moments. She nearly drew away when Ron finally took her hand where it lay on the bed. She knew in that instant that he knew she was awake, and that she had been listening the whole time.

"But I can be angry at myself for letting you down." He continued quietly. "For not supporting you when I should have. For not listening when all you were trying to tell me was how much you loved me, too. I never meant to hurt you, in any way, Hermione. I hate that I've caused you pain. I regret every moment that I wasn't there by your side when you needed me. But I'm here now. And I'm not leaving. Because I can't lose you."

A sob finally escaped her, and her body quaked with the force of it.

"Please don't shut us out, Hermione." Ron whispered to her. She covered her face with her other hand. "We love you too much. _I_ love you too much to let this happen. Please." His voice was thicker now. She could hear the pain and tears in it.

"Ron…" She choked on his name. She turned toward him, her face still covered.

Ron shifted again, lying down to face her. She let him pull her into his arms and hold her as she cried, feeling his own tears in her hair as he wept silently with her.

~S~

"I owe you an apology as well." Hermione whispered some time later. She had cried until she had no tears left. It was the long, drawn out, cry that she had needed to have for weeks. But she had kept it bottled up inside, not wanting to let it out in front of Severus.

Ron's words had finally allowed her to break the dam on everything she had been feeling. And it flooded out of her.

He raised an eyebrow at her from where he still lay next to her. "What do you mean?"

"I should have tried harder to understand what you were feeling for all these months. But I've been selfish. Trying to move on with my own life."

"That's not selfish. We all went though so much. And you, Harry, and I processed it all differently."

"I basically shut down my emotions when it all happened. There was no way I was going to make it through that night if I hadn't. Then when it was all over I remained shut down. As a coping mechanism. But I forgot about myself in the process. And then…well…"

"What?" Ron asked.

"Severus got involved. And I started to open up again. Everything flooded in at once. Including him. And he latched on to a part of me. Helped draw me out of my own head. And he's never let go. And I don't want him to."

"I understand. I just wish I had understood sooner. I thought I was putting your feelings first for so long, but really I was focused on my own pain."

Hermione reached out and touched his hand. "It's ok Ron. Like you said, we've all processed the fallout of the last year in our own ways."

"I really am sorry, Hermione."

"Please, don't apologize. I'll never blame you. And neither will Severus."

"I wish one of you would."

"Don't. It wasn't your fault. Don't carry that around with you, Ron. Please. It's not your burden to bear."

Ron nodded. He then leaned in and kissed her forehead. "You should rest." He started to get up, but stopped when Hermione grabbed his hand.

"Will you come back?"

He smiled at her. "As long as you want me to."

"Tomorrow."

"I'll be here."

~S~

Ron came back the next afternoon. He brought a tin of Hermione's favorite ginger cookies, baked fresh, and his Wizard chess set. Hermione was sitting up in bed when he knocked on the door. She looked up from the book she had been reading feeling a small smile form.

Ron glanced at the bottle of nausea relief potion on the nightstand and the half-eaten bowl of porridge beside it.

"My stomach is off." Hermione explained as she watched him take in everything. "Getting used to food again."

"I suppose these are a bad idea." Ron handed her the tin of cookies.

"For now," Hermione excepted them, setting the tin to the side. "But I'll see how I feel in a bit."

"I brought this as well. Chess always helped me to think."

"You know I'm terrible at this."

"It's logic. How could you be bad at that?"

Hermione managed another small smile. She grabbed her wand and levitated the teapot on the nightstand, tipping it so a fresh amount of peppermint tea poured into the waiting cup beneath, then levitated the cup over to her.

"Would you like any?" She asked.

"I hate mint, but thanks for offering."

They sat there for the next hour or so, Ron explaining the rules and different moves. Hermione had played chess before, but even the muggle version had been confusing. It was much too visual for her. She liked her books and written theories. Practical application she enjoyed, but only after she had read everything on the topic that she could and understood it fully in order to execute a task.

So, it was no surprise that by the end of the second hour Ron had beaten her twice over. Hermione cracked yet another smile when she glanced at the much larger pile of broken pieces on his side of the board.

"Make sense?" Ron asked as he began packing away the game.

"Not really, but I still had fun."

"That's all that counts."

Hermione was helping him put the last few pieces away when Severus walked in with a tray loaded with three small cups and a steaming bowl.

"Want to try eating again?" He asked, leaving it to levitate beside him as he picked up her bowl from that morning.

"What is it?"

"Minestrone. And some more potions for you."

"I'll try." Hermione responded honestly.

Severus bent down and kissed the top of her head. "That's all that I ask." He whispered to her. Then kissed her very briefly before leaving the room with the discarded dishes.

Hermione glanced at Ron, who had gone a little pink around the ears. "Sorry."

"Don't be. He has every right."

"Tomorrow?"

"I can't. George is back. We're having a welcome home slash engagement party for him."

Hermione felt her eyes widen in shock. "What? When? Who?"

Ron chuckled. "He's been back a couple weeks and staying in London at the joke shop getting it going again. I'm going to be joining him as co-owner. I'm not going back to Auror training. It's not for me."

Hermione was thrilled to hear that George had finally returned. But she still wanted to know who he was now betrothed to. "When was all of this decided? And who did he propose to?"

"Do you want me to answer those in order?"

"No,"

"Angelina Johnson. He was in contact with her after May 2nd, and when he first left back in June they corresponded by owl for weeks. She turned up in France in August after he told her how much he missed her and wished she was there. So she surprised him, and they spent the rest of his time away together. He proposed when they got back. So it's only been the couple of weeks. As far as the joke shop, we started talking about that last week and mum fully supports it."

"Was George's return what finally brought you out?" Hermione asked. Ron had explained while they played chess that after what happened in training he shut himself in his room for two weeks.

"Yes. He'd been home only a few days at the time when he heard what happened. He sat outside my door and talked to me through it for almost three hours before I finally came out. A lot of what he said made sense, and made me realize that I had to pull myself together and be here for you."

Hermione reached for his hand. She wouldn't ask the exact details of their conversation. That was private and should remain between brothers. Just as she knew Harry and Severus would never ask her what had been said between her and Ron yesterday.

"When is the wedding?"

"Christmas. Mum is in a state. She thinks it's too soon. But Bill and Fleur weren't engaged that long before they married. And now they're expecting their first child in May." Hermione felt a pull on her heart and watched as Ron's face dropped. "Hermione, I'm sorry. I didn't think."

"No, it's all right. Thank you for sharing that. I'm…I'm really happy for them." She wiped at the corner of her eye and sniffed. "I'm ok, I promise."

"I'll come by on Friday and tell you about the party."

"You, Harry, and Ginny. She's home for the Easter holiday, right?"

"Oh, right. She is." Ron looked sheepish. "So you want us all here?"

"I do. I miss my friends."

Ron smiled brightly at her. "Then we'll be here."

un brewing from the list of potions that Healer Collins had given him. Hermione drank them without question and he could see that they gave her strength enough to continue healing physically. It was the emotional part of the process that had him worried. When she was not lying awake, which was most hours of the day, she was attempting sleep. Nightmares plagued her every time she shut her eyes and true rest had become nearly impossible.

She was slipping into the depression that Severus feared, knowing that if she allowed the darkness of it to take her he would lose her. Perhaps permanently. It was a thought he tried desperately not to linger on, and an outcome he would give his soul to avoid.

Severus flicked his wand at the burner beneath the cauldron killing the flame and left the potion to sit and cool. He then went about his normal daily tasks. Anything to keep his mind busy.

At the beginning of the second week back, he was sitting at the kitchen table reading when the fireplace erupted into green flames. He looked up, shocked to see Potter's head appear.

"Is it all right if I come by?" He asked, his face full of concern.

"Yes, please." Severus responded. He set his book down and glanced up at the ceiling. Hermione had been asleep the last time he checked on her about thirty minutes ago. He had convinced her finally to take a dram of sleepless dream potion after her fourth night in a row of waking up screaming. Not in order for him to rest, but for her. She could drink all of the nutritional potions day in and out, but if she did not get enough restful sleep she would never heal properly.

Potter stepped through the flames carrying a large tartan bag. He set it down on the table and Severus quirked an eyebrow in response the sound of glass clinking inside. The other eyebrow went up as Potter began unpacking the bag, taking out several covered dishes of food and tins.

"Molly does realize there's only two of us here." He stated as Potter stacked the casserole dishes and tins on the table.

"She's used to cooking for a small army. And according to Ginny, these are all of Hermione's favorite foods and treats."

Severus appreciated the gesture but he doubted Hermione would eat any of it. He watched Potter finish unpacking the bag and settle into a chair. "How is she?"

Severus got up from the table, avoiding the question for a moment. He walked over to the cauldrons he had been brewing in that morning and ladled out one cup of each potion and set them on a small tray. "Not well." He finally answered once he was done with his task. "She is not talking, and barely sleeps. She takes the potions that I've been making for her, but has no appetite for real food."

Severus sat down in the chair closest to his work station feeling utterly defeated. This was the second time he had allowed Potter to witness him in such a state. The first time it had been awkward, when he explained his feelings for the boy's mother and how they compared to his feelings for Hermione at the time. Now he just did not have it in him to care.

"I don't know what I can do to reach her. I'm losing her. I fear that if I can not find a way to help her she will become a shell of the person she used to be. Her brightness, warmth…it will all be gone. I can not bear to see that happen."

Silence fell over them. He didn't expect Potter to have much to say. It was a lot to process and a topic that neither one of them, he was sure, wanted to talk about with the other.

"Ron won't speak to anyone either."

Severus looked up. He had completely forgotten about Weasley in the days since he had brought Hermione back from St. Mungo's. The curse was not entirely responsible for what had happened. He knew that. Even if Hermione had not been struck she would have lost the pregnancy eventually. As the mediwitch had explained at St. Mungo's, it was not viable to begin with.

Severus knew this information was a very large part of Hermione's current mental state. He could only imagine what she was feeling.

"He's wracked with guilt over this. I tried to talk to him, but it didn't end well. Ginny managed a brief conversation with him when she was home last weekend, but since then he hasn't spoken a word to anyone, or come out of his room. I don't know what to say or do either. For both of them. All I want in the end is for them…I just want my friends to be happy again. To see Hermione smile and know that she's ok."

Severus pinched the bridge of his nose. He wanted the same for Hermione as well. For her to be healthy and whole once more with him. "Her Patronus changed form." He stated suddenly.

Potter looked up at this, surprise evident on his face. The last time either of them had witnessed a Patronus changing form was with Tonks when it took on the shape of a large wolf in response to her falling in love with Lupin.

"What did it change to?"

"A fawn. The juvenile form complimentary to my doe. Mother and child. More specifically guardian and dependent." Severus paused as he considered his thoughts. "Not that Hermione is dependent on me for protection, we both know that she is more than capable in defending herself, but she is dependent on me for support." Which he was providing unfailingly.

"And who is supporting you?" Potter asked. "Because you know you can't handle this on your own. If Hermione isn't talking to you, then the conversations that you both need to have are not happening, and you're not healing properly either."

Severus knew this was true. And again he went back to feeling defeated. He did not know what to do to help Hermione open up to him. They needed to talk, as Potter said. They needed to get out everything they were both feeling, and do it together. The longer it remained bottled up inside between them the worse it was going to be when they finally did speak again.

"Ronald Weasley was not responsible for what happened. The pregnancy was not viable and Hermione would have lost…it would have terminated on its own in time. Being struck with the curse only caused it to happen sooner than nature intended."

Potter's mouth fell open a little. "Hermione must have been beyond devastated."

"There was no consoling her at the time when the mediwitch explained it. She has not told me so, but I expect she feels as though she has failed to protect our child."

"And Hermione does not deal with failure well."

"Potter, there is no "dealing with it" in this case. In her mind she has failed not only our child, but me as well. As I said, she has not spoken these thoughts to me."

"You mean you used Legilimency on her? In her current state?" Potter's tone switched from one of concern to angry and defensive.

"Do not think I would take advantage of her right now. Her emotions are all over the place. I am so attuned to her now that it takes hardly any effort to sense her emotions and thoughts."

Potter let out a breath. "I'm sorry. She's my best friend."

"And you feel protective of her, I understand. But do not forget that I feel the same. And I have sworn to protect her. I will not go back on my vows, Potter. I never do."

"Is it pointless to offer talking with her myself?"

Severus shook his head. "It's not pointless. Though right now I doubt she will speak with you either."

"I figured. Just wanted to offer." Potter said as he stood, clearly ready to go.

"And I appreciate it. Let me try with her a little longer."

"I'm here for both of you." Potter stated seriously. "Ginny as well. She'll be home again for the Easter holiday next month. Hopefully…hopefully Hermione…"

"Yes, hopefully." Severus finished for the young man.

After Potter returned to The Burrow, Severus put away anything perishable that he had brought over and stored the tins in the pantry for now. He then took the tray of potions upstairs. Hermione was still asleep when he opened the door. She lay on her side facing him, her features at peace in rest. Part of his heart ached knowing this was so only because she took a potion that allowed her to sleep without nightmares.

He set the tray down and waved his wand so the curtains closed over the window blocking out the light. Severus curled up behind Hermione, one arm around her waist. He pulled her as close to him as possible, burying his nose in her hair. It was enough for him right now to hold her, knowing that while she slept there was only so much support he could offer. Being there when she woke the most important of all.

The moment the curse struck her Hermione was overcome with the familiar pain she had experienced before. She doubled over holding her abdomen, panting as the shock to her nerves faded. She remembered Harry and Ron asking her if she was all right. She remembered trying to stand, but as soon as she managed to attain an upright position she doubled over again.

This pain was new.

It ripped through her and then seemed to concentrate where she was struck. Her vision blurred and the voices around her became muffled. She could feel someone lifting her, pulling her along. And then she was spinning. Spinning so fast that as soon as it stopped she was sick. Now she was being carried. Multiple voices were talking all around her. One was saying to take her through to the Emergency Ward, the other was saying she had been struck by a rebound spell, she had to go to the Fourth Floor.

Whatever was determined, she was laid down on a soft surface and was being moved. Hermione's mind finally comprehended. She was at St. Mungo's. Her vision cleared a little and she recognized Harry's untidy black hair above her. He was holding her hand and moving alongside the stretcher that she was lying on as it levitated through the halls.

"Hermione, I'm so sorry." He said to her.

"Wh…What happened?"

"Don't worry about that right now, dear. We need to get you upstairs." A female voice on her other side stated.

Hermione turned her head. Prudence Bowery was on her other side. Her vision began to blur again as pain moved across her abdomen once more. She could hear herself whine, but it sounded so far away. Her mind focused in and out for some time. She didn't know how long. She was moved from the stretcher to a bed and more female voices surrounded her.

She was cold for a few moments and then something soft was around her. She was adjusted on the bed and remained like that for a while. The world focused in and out around her and voices buzzed in her ears. She caught words every now and then, spoken in hushed tones. "…lasting damage…internal injury…miscarriage…"

The last one made her blink. Her vision went blurry with tears. She remained still, but her mind was screaming. Begging and pleading to be anywhere except where she was. It was impossible. How could she have had a miscarriage? Hermione's brain refused to process, though one tiny part of it knew the meditwitches around her were speaking the truth.

Her head lolled to the side and she stared at the far wall. Everything around her faded away until she felt someone adjusting her on the bed. She was covered with a blanket and then there was shift as a body sat down near her.

"Hermione?" A soft, female voice asked.

She blinked in response, but did not look away from the spot on the wall that she had been staring at for who knew how long now.

"Hermione? Do you understand what has happened?"

She blinked again, tears rolling down her cheeks. She managed to nod her head a few times, acknowledging the woman beside her. But she still did not turn.

Her bed shifted as the mediwitch rose and Hermione heard a door open and close a moment later. When nothing but silence surrounded her, she turned her face into the pillow and cried.

She didn't know if it was moments or minutes later when she finally heard the one voice she had been longing for since Harry muttered 'oh no'.

"Hermione,"

She turned immediately, looking up into Severus's sad, dark eyes. She reached her arms out for him, needing him to hold her. He obliged without hesitating, expanding the bed so he had the room to sit beside her and pull her into his embrace. She cried until she fell asleep.

Time slipped by in a haze. She slept. She cried. She dreamed.

She remembered bits and pieces of conversation as her mind continued to focus in and out. The miscarriage had ultimately occurred because of the curse she was struck with. But if she hadn't been struck, it would have happened eventually regardless. Because the pregnancy had not been viable. Her body was already rejecting the child growing inside her. Severus's child, their child. It was not compatible.

That truth hurt more than anything.

More than the fact that in some way she had failed.

She had not been capable of carrying Severus's child. She couldn't protect it.

Hermione tried not to let these thoughts control her mind. She tried to hold off the darkness that she could feel creeping up on her every time she shut her eyes. She purposely didn't sleep just to avoid the nightmares. But she could only stay awake for so long before exhaustion took her and she slipped back into the void inside her head. Part of her shut down and she welcomed the numbness that it brought. But it only worked for so long before reality crashed down around her once more and she was reminded of what she, they, had lost.

~S~

"How long has she been like this?"

"Three weeks."

"Has she said _anything_?"

"Rarely. She cries out in her sleep, and wakes up begging me to hold her. But nothing more than that."

Hermione opened her eyes slowly, the voices out in the hall having woken her. It was Harry and Severus, going back and forth. She closed her eyes again.

"Is she eating?"

"Some, but not nearly enough. She's healing, but more slowly than anticipated because of it. And the lack of proper rest."

"Have you tried other potions?"

"Only the nutritional ones and the occasional dose of dreamless sleep when she'll take it. She won't even take pain potion, and I know she needs it."

"I don't think me talking with her is going to do much good, if any."

Hermione opened her eyes again as a third voice joined the conversation. A voice, besides Harry's, that she had not heard in weeks. His face swam into view in her mind, blue eyes wide with fear and guilt.

"You have to at least try, Ron. She won't talk to me, or Snape."

"To be fair, Potter, you have not gone in there to try and speak to her."

"No, but according to you she has no interest in speaking to me."

"That does not mean you should not try."

"So…what do I do?"

"Go with your heart, Mr. Weasley. Whatever it tells you to say, say it."

Hermione shut her eyes when she heard the door open. It creaked with age, and the noise was followed by soft footsteps. She closed her eyes again, hoping that feigning sleep would be enough. Ron sat down on the edge of the bed closest to her. And he sat there for several minutes, Hermione knew, because she counted the moments as they passed.

"I should have told you that I loved you long before we went down into the Chamber together." Ron started. "I should have told you in that first Charms class how great I thought you were. So many times over the years I had the opportunities. And so many times I wasted them. But you were always there. No matter what we disagreed or fought about. You were steadfast amongst the three of us."

Hermione felt his weight shift as he moved a little closer. "I should have told you so many times over how grateful I am that you're a part of my life, Hermione. Because you are. No one has ever been a better friend than you. And I am so, so sorry for everything. Everything that's gone wrong. Everything that broke between us."

Ron paused, breathing quietly for a minute." I've been angry." He started again, his voice wistful. " _So angry_. For so long. And at first I was angry with the world. After Fred died I focused that anger on those people that took him from my family. I hated them. I didn't care that night that Snape was no longer a Death Eater. I'd just lost my brother and all I saw was a man that we knew to be a traitor. I wanted him to die for the things that he had done. I didn't have your compassion or understanding. And I should have. I should have stayed with you. For you. It's taken me months to make peace with that. The things I should have done that night…should have said to you. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me."

He moved closer again. Hermione felt his hand near her own. "And that's made me realize that for the past few months the focus of my anger has shifted. I don't hate Snape. I'm not angry with him, or at him. I've come to understand that he's not at fault for the battle, or the deaths of everyone that lost their lives that night. I can't be angry with the man who makes you happy and brings joy to your life. I can't hate someone that loves you the way you deserved to be loved."

Hermione felt tears build in her eyes and she sniffed quietly. She turned her face away as discreetly as she could, hoping Ron didn't notice. The pillowcase below her was damp within moments. She nearly drew away when Ron finally took her hand where it lay on the bed. She knew in that instant that he knew she was awake, and that she had been listening the whole time.

"But I can be angry at myself for letting you down." He continued quietly. "For not supporting you when I should have. For not listening when all you were trying to tell me was how much you loved me, too. I never meant to hurt you, in any way, Hermione. I hate that I've caused you pain. I regret every moment that I wasn't there by your side when you needed me. But I'm here now. And I'm not leaving. Because I can't lose you."

A sob finally escaped her, and her body quaked with the force of it.

"Please don't shut us out, Hermione." Ron whispered to her. She covered her face with her other hand. "We love you too much. _I_ love you too much to let this happen. Please." His voice was thicker now. She could hear the pain and tears in it.

"Ron…" She choked on his name. She turned toward him, her face still covered.

Ron shifted again, lying down to face her. She let him pull her into his arms and hold her as she cried, feeling his own tears in her hair as he wept silently with her.

~S~

"I owe you an apology as well." Hermione whispered some time later. She had cried until she had no tears left. It was the long, drawn out, cry that she had needed to have for weeks. But she had kept it bottled up inside, not wanting to let it out in front of Severus.

Ron's words had finally allowed her to break the dam on everything she had been feeling. And it flooded out of her.

He raised an eyebrow at her from where he still lay next to her. "What do you mean?"

"I should have tried harder to understand what you were feeling for all these months. But I've been selfish. Trying to move on with my own life."

"That's not selfish. We all went though so much. And you, Harry, and I processed it all differently."

"I basically shut down my emotions when it all happened. There was no way I was going to make it through that night if I hadn't. Then when it was all over I remained shut down. As a coping mechanism. But I forgot about myself in the process. And then…well…"

"What?" Ron asked.

"Severus got involved. And I started to open up again. Everything flooded in at once. Including him. And he latched on to a part of me. Helped draw me out of my own head. And he's never let go. And I don't want him to."

"I understand. I just wish I had understood sooner. I thought I was putting your feelings first for so long, but really I was focused on my own pain."

Hermione reached out and touched his hand. "It's ok Ron. Like you said, we've all processed the fallout of the last year in our own ways."

"I really am sorry, Hermione."

"Please, don't apologize. I'll never blame you. And neither will Severus."

"I wish one of you would."

"Don't. It wasn't your fault. Don't carry that around with you, Ron. Please. It's not your burden to bear."

Ron nodded. He then leaned in and kissed her forehead. "You should rest." He started to get up, but stopped when Hermione grabbed his hand.

"Will you come back?"

He smiled at her. "As long as you want me to."

"Tomorrow."

"I'll be here."

~S~

Ron came back the next afternoon. He brought a tin of Hermione's favorite ginger cookies, baked fresh, and his Wizard chess set. Hermione was sitting up in bed when he knocked on the door. She looked up from the book she had been reading feeling a small smile form.

Ron glanced at the bottle of nausea relief potion on the nightstand and the half-eaten bowl of porridge beside it.

"My stomach is off." Hermione explained as she watched him take in everything. "Getting used to food again."

"I suppose these are a bad idea." Ron handed her the tin of cookies.

"For now," Hermione excepted them, setting the tin to the side. "But I'll see how I feel in a bit."

"I brought this as well. Chess always helped me to think."

"You know I'm terrible at this."

"It's logic. How could you be bad at that?"

Hermione managed another small smile. She grabbed her wand and levitated the teapot on the nightstand, tipping it so a fresh amount of peppermint tea poured into the waiting cup beneath, then levitated the cup over to her.

"Would you like any?" She asked.

"I hate mint, but thanks for offering."

They sat there for the next hour or so, Ron explaining the rules and different moves. Hermione had played chess before, but even the muggle version had been confusing. It was much too visual for her. She liked her books and written theories. Practical application she enjoyed, but only after she had read everything on the topic that she could and understood it fully in order to execute a task.

So, it was no surprise that by the end of the second hour Ron had beaten her twice over. Hermione cracked yet another smile when she glanced at the much larger pile of broken pieces on his side of the board.

"Make sense?" Ron asked as he began packing away the game.

"Not really, but I still had fun."

"That's all that counts."

Hermione was helping him put the last few pieces away when Severus walked in with a tray loaded with three small cups and a steaming bowl.

"Want to try eating again?" He asked, leaving it to levitate beside him as he picked up her bowl from that morning.

"What is it?"

"Minestrone. And some more potions for you."

"I'll try." Hermione responded honestly.

Severus bent down and kissed the top of her head. "That's all that I ask." He whispered to her. Then kissed her very briefly before leaving the room with the discarded dishes.

Hermione glanced at Ron, who had gone a little pink around the ears. "Sorry."

"Don't be. He has every right."

"Tomorrow?"

"I can't. George is back. We're having a welcome home slash engagement party for him."

Hermione felt her eyes widen in shock. "What? When? Who?"

Ron chuckled. "He's been back a couple weeks and staying in London at the joke shop getting it going again. I'm going to be joining him as co-owner. I'm not going back to Auror training. It's not for me."

Hermione was thrilled to hear that George had finally returned. But she still wanted to know who he was now betrothed to. "When was all of this decided? And who did he propose to?"

"Do you want me to answer those in order?"

"No,"

"Angelina Johnson. He was in contact with her after May 2nd, and when he first left back in June they corresponded by owl for weeks. She turned up in France in August after he told her how much he missed her and wished she was there. So she surprised him, and they spent the rest of his time away together. He proposed when they got back. So it's only been the couple of weeks. As far as the joke shop, we started talking about that last week and mum fully supports it."

"Was George's return what finally brought you out?" Hermione asked. Ron had explained while they played chess that after what happened in training he shut himself in his room for two weeks.

"Yes. He'd been home only a few days at the time when he heard what happened. He sat outside my door and talked to me through it for almost three hours before I finally came out. A lot of what he said made sense, and made me realize that I had to pull myself together and be here for you."

Hermione reached for his hand. She wouldn't ask the exact details of their conversation. That was private and should remain between brothers. Just as she knew Harry and Severus would never ask her what had been said between her and Ron yesterday.

"When is the wedding?"

"Christmas. Mum is in a state. She thinks it's too soon. But Bill and Fleur weren't engaged that long before they married. And now they're expecting their first child in May." Hermione felt a pull on her heart and watched as Ron's face dropped. "Hermione, I'm sorry. I didn't think."

"No, it's all right. Thank you for sharing that. I'm…I'm really happy for them." She wiped at the corner of her eye and sniffed. "I'm ok, I promise."

"I'll come by on Friday and tell you about the party."

"You, Harry, and Ginny. She's home for the Easter holiday, right?"

"Oh, right. She is." Ron looked sheepish. "So you want us all here?"

"I do. I miss my friends."

Ron smiled brightly at her. "Then we'll be here."


	19. Whispers in the Dark

Disclaimer: See Chapter 1

 _You'll never be alone_ _  
_ _When darkness comes, I'll light the night with stars_ _  
_ _Hear the whispers in the dark_

\- Skillet

* * *

Chapter 19

 _She was back in her third year, standing on the castle grounds beneath the Whomping Willow. Moonlight shone down around her, illuminating the familiar scene. She was beside Harry and Ron as they watched Professor Lupin go through the painful, unexpected transition into a werewolf, and then begin to whimper as he tried to back away from them. But Hermione knew deep down he would never hurt them. They were his students. How naïve she had been. No sooner had she tried to reach out and touch him, reassure him perhaps, that he snapped at her, making her back away in terror into Harry and Ron._

 _They nearly toppled to the ground as Lupin advanced on them, closing the space between them, poised and ready to strike. Her heart was pounding. Surely there had to be a way around this. Her mind was working so fast that she didn't even notice as Snape stood up, shaking off the stupor from the force of Harry's attack. But the growl behind him made her professor turn and then he was yanking all three of them behind his back, spreading his arms in protection around them as Lupin dove in. Hermione clutched the sleeve of Snape's robes for support, clinging to him in fear._

 _But as the werewolf reared back to swipe, he suddenly transformed into a dark green serpent and lashed out sinking its fangs into Snape's neck. Hermione screamed, watching him crumple before her. He hit the ground, falling to his back. Only she realized now they were no longer outside, they were in the boathouse. And she was no longer her third-year self. She was as she is now. A nineteen-year-old witch, watching in horror as the snake attacked again, and again. She reached for her wand and cast_ Confringo _as the snake lunged forward again. It exploded in midair and was no more._

 _Hermione collapsed beside the man who had once been her professor, someone she sought constant acclamation from, or at least an acknowledgment of her skills. She loved this man, and he loved her back. So much had changed, so much had happened between them. She cradled her head in his lap and tried applying pressure to the wounds on his neck, to at least stop the blood loss and buy them a little time. But she knew he was dying. She placed one hand on his chest and could feel his heartbeat growing weaker._

" _Severus, please don't leave me." She pleaded, tears blurring her vision of him. She wiped them away roughly so she could see him. He was reaching up toward her, his movements slowing down as death began to take him. She grabbed his hand and pressed it to her cheek. "Severus, please hold on."_

" _This is how it ends, Hermione." He whispered. "I'm just glad you were here…with me."_

 _She couldn't help the sob that escaped her and leaned down to press her mouth against his. He kissed her back for only a moment, and then the pressure of his lips faded. Hermione pulled away._

 _He was gone._

 _She didn't even realize the scream that filled her ears then was her own. She clutched at Severus's body, holding him tightly against he as she rocked back and forth. She didn't know how long she stayed there, but she could suddenly feel hands trying to pry her away from him. She wouldn't let go, she refused to let him go. To accept that he was dead._

" _Hermione, let go."_

" _NO!" she shouted at the voice behind her._

" _Let go, it's all right."_

 _The deep voice spoke slowly, comfortingly. She could feel two hands prizing her away._

" _No, I can't leave him. Severus…please…"_

" _I'm here, Hermione. Just let go."_

Hermione woke up to the same screaming. Someone was still trying to pull her away from Severus's body. She held on tighter. She wasn't going to let him go.

"Hermione, wake up, please."

Her eyes shot open at the sound of his voice and the screaming stopped. She realized then that it had been her own. And the voice that had woken her was from the same man she had just dreamt dead. Hermione looked up into his eyes then buried her face in his chest, feeling his arms immediately wrap around her.

"Relax, it's ok. It was just a dream." Severus whispered to her, stroking her hair.

"It was so real." She gasped. "I thought it had actually happened." She lifted her face to him, but kept her ear to his chest so she could hear his heartbeat. Know for sure that he was there with her.

"Do you want to tell me about it?"

Hermione bit her lower lip in indecision. Severus leaned down and kissed her forehead, then the tip of her nose, and finally her lips. His affection steeled her resolve just enough and she whispered to him what she had dreamt.

"You died." Hermione ended, her voice still small and quiet.

"I'm right here." He squeezed his arms around her as if to reassure her. "It was just a dream."

"A nightmare."

"It's over now."

Hermione trembled against him. "Don't let go, Severus."

He kissed her forehead again. "I'm right here." He said again, his voice firmer. "Try and go back to sleep."

"I'm too scared."

"I'll be here you when you wake."

Hermione pushed herself closer, pressing her ear to his chest once more. The sound of his heartbeat filled her mind. Satisfied with the strength of it, she let herself relax against his body, closed her eyes, and allowed the blackness to take her.

~S~

"Perhaps it's time I finally teach you Occlumency." Severus stated the following morning in the kitchen as he handed her a plate of eggs and toast. "You have not had a nightmare that severe in at least a week."

True. Since Ron had come by almost three weeks ago and they talked, _really_ talked, her nightmares had begun to lessen in frequency and strength as she continued to heal. Last night had been the first time in some days that Severus had not been able to wake her immediately.

"Do you think I'm strong enough?" Hermione asked, biting off the corner of her toast.

"You're not fully healed yet, internally. I believe you are still weak emotionally as well. Do not take that as a criticism. This can work to your advantage." Severus reached across the table and took her hand as Hermione tried to fight back the tears that suddenly threatened to fall. "What I mean to say is, you are still healing emotionally as well. But this can work for you. When learning to Occlude you must shut down your emotions, try not to feel. You have to close your mind off to everything around you and focus on keeping it closed."

"Harry struggled so much with that."

"I still believe that Potter may have enjoyed having access to the Dark Lord's mind. For whatever reason. But yes, he did struggle. Because he is so much like his mother. And that is not a bad thing, but it does not make one a good Occlumens."

"I don't know if I can shut down my emotions."

"Can you clear your mind? Quiet it and let it become still?"

"I don't know. I've never tried. The only times my mind has ever been blank is when you and I…" Hermione trailed off, feeling a blush creep into her cheeks as memories of her and Severus together came to mind.

"I see," He smiled at her.

"Hey!"

"I can't help it when your emotions are still so scattered like they are. You offer practically no resistance right now."

"Then perhaps we should get started."

"Tomorrow. Rest today."

Hermione sat back in her chair and crossed her arms, putting on a pout.

"Indulge me, love, please." Severus asked nicely.

She sat back up and picked up her toast. "Only because it's you."

~S~

Severus paced back and forth in front of Hermione where she sat relaxed on the couch with her eyes closed. He had her focusing on her breathing at the moment, as she attempted to quiet and empty her mind. He reached out to see how she was doing and was pleased when he felt how calm she was, even though fear lingered just at the edge of her mind.

Severus crouched down in front of her laying one hand over hers where they lay folded in her lap and pushed her hair behind her ear with the other. She jumped at his touch but her eyes remained closed.

"Are you ready, my dear?"

"Yes," She breathed, opening her eyes.

Severus stood up and pulled his wand from his sleeve. He stepped back a few feet from Hermione, pointing his cypress wand at her, and whispered.

" _Legilimens_ ,"

… _Hermione was suddenly back in her first year, trying to hide among the wreckage of bathroom stalls from the troll that was growling above her and swinging its club in attempt to knock down everything in its path in order to get her. Her heart pounded in her chest. She had never been more frightened in her life. But then she heard the door open and looked up to Harry and Ron rushing in. Yes, they would save her…_

… _They were all running through the Ministry. Jets of light flew everywhere around her. She followed Harry through a door. Dolohov burst in after them. She was quick with her Silencing charm. But the next moment a slash of pain cut across her chest And all was black…_

… _She was in the boathouse. Severus lay in a crumpled heap before her bleeding profusely from his wounds. She watched his eyes begin to shut…_

"NO!"

Hermione snapped out of her memories with a scream. She stood up, her wand out.

"Calm," Severus stepped toward her, laying his hands on her shoulder. "Calm, love." He whispered. He settled her back on the couch and crouched down in front of her once more. "I'm impressed. You managed to close your mind and push me out in only a few minutes."

"I couldn't bear those thoughts any longer. I was too frightened."

"I understand. Perhaps that is what you need to focus on. I know it is not pleasant."

Hermione was already shaking her head. "No, I would hate to have to fill my mind with that."

"Do you want to try again?"

Hermione nodded. "Yes."

Severus stood back up. He stepped back and pointed his wand at her. " _Legilimens_."

 _...Eleven-year-old Hermione looked up at McGonagall in disbelief after being told she was a witch, and that all of the odd things she could do were magic. Even more, she had been accepted to a school that taught magic. She couldn't help the wide smile that stretched her mouth. Because after all this time, there was a place she finally belonged…_

… _She stood in the Room of Requirement giving her wand a soft wave as she muttered the incantation_ Expecto Patronum _. An otter appeared, bouncing and swimming around her happily. She smiled as she watched the joyful little animal, feeling a bright smile on her face. She was so happy in that moment to know that she had accomplished this. And watching her friends around her, learning the magic that would truly defend them, made her feel a part of a bigger family than she had ever expected to know…_

Hermione was suddenly overcome with a deep sense of loneliness. She began to recall all the times she had been alone over the years. Either by choice, or because she was being avoided by friends and classmates. No matter how happy the memories before made her feel inside, they also made her remember the years she had spent in isolation because her schoolmates would not come near here. She was considered odd.

And then she came to Hogwarts, and learned what true friendship was. How it felt to be a part of something bigger.

 _...She was lying in bed now. It was only a week after she had been struck by the curse and lost Severus's child. She felt hollow and empty inside. There was no room for anything else. She had never felt so alone in all her life…_

Severus pulled back as Hermione's mind closed to him. He walked over and sat down beside her on the couch. A single tear was running down her cheek as she turned to him.

"How did you do that?" He asked, wiping the moisture from her cheek.

"I remembered how alone I was growing up. How the isolation felt. And how…empty I felt after…" Hermione trailed off as another tear slipped down her cheek.

Severus reached over and wiped it away as well. He knew it was still a sensitive topic for her to discuss. They had spoken on many occasions about it, but Hermione could not get through even a brief conversation without crying.

"As soon as that happened, your mind closed." He whispered. He considered what she had said. While sad, it was true. "Isolated itself, if you will."

"Still not a pleasant thought."

"No, but a very successful method of shutting down all other emotion and closing one's mind."

Hermione took a moment to breathe as she digested that mentally.

"Just because you are able to call on the memory of that feeling so easily does not mean that you are still alone." Severus told her. He could tell she had had enough in the two attempts they had made. They would cease here for today, but he had to say something first. "Hermione," he took her hands in his, "I know there will never be a way for me to say how sorry I am for all that has happened. But I want you to know that no matter what else comes you are not alone. I am here with you. Always."

~S~

"I think it's time we move on from this place." Severus said a few weeks later over dinner. Hermione had started again with Auror training just a few days prior. She was exhausted from all the catch up she had to do. There were still more days where she would be overwhelmed with the work she had missed. The last three days had been long enough for her.

"How do you mean?" Hermione asked as she sipped her onion soup. The Gruyere melted on top came away with the spoonful in a long, gooey string. "This is why I don't like French Onion soup." She muttered as she pulled the cheese free and managed to get the piece on to her spoon. The look of satisfaction on her face as she ate it made it very clear that she did, in fact, like French Onion soup.

"I thought comfort food tonight would be welcome." Severus tore off a chunk of bread and handed it to her.

"Thank you. And it is. This was one of my favorite dishes that I tried when I went to France with my parents. I just never liked how messy it can be."

"Satisfyingly messy."

"I suppose. But to get back to my question. What do you mean by "it's time we move on from this place"?"

Severus sipped a spoonful of his soup before responding. "I think it's time we start fresh someplace else." Only one location came to mind. And while he had little desire to live there full time, it was an option that would cost them next to nothing to consider.

"Such as?"

"Cokeworth."

"You want to return to Spinner's End?" Hermione asked surprised, her spoon pausing halfway to her mouth.

"It's a house I already own. It would just need to be cleaned, thoroughly. Perhaps some of the furniture repaired or replaced. I have very few happy memories growing up there. But I am more than willing to begin making new ones with you."

"And you would be happy there?"

"So long as you are with me, Hermione."

She smiled across the table, reaching for his hand. "I love you, too, Severus."

They planned the move for the end of April, eager to put Grimmauld Place behind them. Harry moved into the London residence with Ron, and Ginny would be moving in once she completed her final year at Hogwarts in June. Both boys were impressed with the condition of the house overall. Severus and Hermione had not taken for granted the fact that they would always reside at #12, and made sure to keep the house in order for the day when they would leave and Harry, as the rightful owner, would take their place as permanent resident.

What surprised Hermione most was that Molly was allowing Ginny to move in at all. She would truly have an empty nest now. She had no doubt that weekly visits, or at least check-ins, would be made to make sure her daughter and her boyfriend were keeping up with propriety.

When the day finally arrived that they would leave London for Cokeworth, Hermione hugged her friends fiercely. They were just short of a year since the battle. Another chapter of her life was ending, and the next about to begin. She knew that they would always be an owl or a floo call away, but Hermione couldn't help feeling as though she were leaving part of herself behind in London.

She met Severus on the front step. Two bags between the both of them. Her beaded handbag containing their clothes, books, and all other odds and ends. Severus's satchel contained all of his equipment, carefully wrapped so it would not be damaged in transit, along with all of the ingredients and other potion-making necessities.

"Ready?" He asked, taking her hand.

"Ready." Hermione answered in a clear, confident voice.

Severus gripped her hand. One moment they were pressed side by side, squeezed together as though going through a straw, and the next they were standing at the end of an empty street. Ahead of her Hermione could see a mill with a tall chimney. No smoke issued out of it, and she had a feeling it been thus for many years. Houses lined the street on both sides. All were made of the same brown brick, the same architectural style, two-story with a few windows facing front, an angled roof with a chimney on one side, and wooden fences marking off the edge of one property before the next began. The street had an overall cookie-cutter yet dilapidated feel.

As they stood there Hermione watched a few other residents come and go. Some turned down one of the adjoining alleys. A few children raced down the street in front of them chasing a puppy attached to a leash.

"What are the neighbors like?" Hermione asked as she and Severus began to walk up the street.

"Quiet and unobtrusive. It's ideal. And don't mind the smell, you will get used to it after a few weeks."

Hermione took a sniff of the air. She caught the scent that Severus must be referring to, and wondered why she had not noticed it earlier. "Is there a river nearby?"

"That way." Severus pointed down one of the alleys they passed. "It's filthy, so I would not recommend attempting to draw water from it."

"What memories do you have growing up here?"

"My parents fighting, sitting by the river where I couldn't hear them. There was a meadow and an enclosed grove some way downstream. It's where Lily and I…" He paused and Hermione watched a pained look cross his features. But Severus straightened his face and continued, "Lily and I used to meet there when we were children. Her family lived nearby."

"See, you do have happy memories." Hermione told him, touching his arm. "Thank you for sharing that with me."

Severus managed a small smile. He looked up and stopped suddenly. "This is it."

They were standing in front of a brown brick house identical to all the others up and down the street. Severus pulled his wand from his frock coat and waved it discreetly at the knob. The lock clicked. He waved it again and whispered an incantation.

"The wards will now recognize you as a resident of the house and allow you entrance." He explained to Hermione. "We can change them at any time to allow other inclusions when necessary."

"Such as friends." Hermione prompted.

Severus nodded. It was an option, but not right away.

They stepped into the house and Hermione took a moment to look around. The entrance hall was very short. There was a closed door to her left and an open doorway to her right leading into a study of sorts. A little ways down the hall was a staircase going to the upper level. A door was located underneath. Leading to a basement perhaps, Hermione thought. She imagined Severus to have a laboratory down there, and smiled. It would be like him to keep his potions lab underground.

"It's small. We'll have limited space."

"It's perfect." Hermione reached down and took his hand. "Where do we begin?"

It took three days to clean the entire house, which consisted of the study, a sitting room, and the kitchen downstairs, and two bedrooms upstairs, a master and a guest, as well as a bathroom with standing tub and shower. Severus went out on the first day to purchase food while Hermione began to clean. She became very adept with the _Scourgify_ charm, and even taught herself mending spells for some of the more worn out furniture. The upstairs was not as bad. She put fresh sheets on the bed the first night and cleaned everything else as the days went on.

The tidiest room by far was the laboratory in the basement. While Hermione took over general cleaning upstairs and down, Severus secluded himself to set up his equipment and ingredient store. He got rid of any old cauldrons that were beyond repair, cleaned out the ones he could salvage and resealed them, then split the room into three distinct areas. A brewing table, a distilling table, and a prep table for ingredients. He moved several books from the sitting room downstairs for easier access. When he came back up and noticed that the vacancies had already been filled with Hermione's own texts he chuckled.

"I assume you abhor empty spaces on bookshelves." Severus stated from the doorway where he leaned against the frame.

Hermione turned to look at him from where she was levitating a duster over the mantle. "It bothers me, yes." She confirmed. "Like something is missing. And it usually is." She returned to her task, magically moving objects around as the duster swept across the mantle.

"I'm glad. I never liked the sight of an empty bookshelf either."

Hermione finished dusting and banished the cleaning item away to the kitchen where Severus heard a cabinet open and close. "Well, that's this room done."

"I don't think I've ever seen it this clean."

"Should I let the dust layer accumulate in between so its feels more familiar?" Hermione teased.

Severus shook his head at her with an amused grin. "No, clean as you will. I would like to be able to read the titles of these books before I pull them off the shelves. And I appreciate not having a cloud in my face when I do so."

Hermione gave him a back a small, tight smile, and looked around for a moment before settling into one of the armchairs. Severus watched her cup her face in both hands and stare into the fire with a forlorn expression.

"Are you remembering?" He asked. He had taken note of the date today on the calendar Hermione had hung in the kitchen. It was May 2nd. The first anniversary of the Battle of Hogwarts.

"Yes," Hermione answered. "It's all I've been able to think about all day. Everything that happened that night and since in the past twelve months feels as though it happened a lifetime ago."

Severus understood. He felt the same way. "So much has happened in the past year that it is hard to process all of it at once as you reflect on your memories of today." He crossed the room and sat in the chair across from her. "Do not try and let it all overwhelm you. Isolate your thoughts and close off others as I have taught you." He reached across the space between them to lay his hand over hers. "Shut down the fear."

Hermione closed her eyes. She took a few deep breaths, pulling the air in slowly and then let it out. Her mind focused on the image of wind blowing a cloud across the sky. It served to calm her as she breathed thus for another minute. Severus watched as her shoulders relaxed, her torso, her legs, and finally her hands. They stopped trembling under his. With just these few moments he knew she had closed off her mind to the nightmares that she was otherwise surely to have if they had not gone through the exercise.

"Empty?" He asked as Hermione slowly opened her eyes once more.

"For the most part."

He stood and offered his hand. "Let's have something to eat and call it an early night."

Hermione took his hand and rose from the chair. "How early of a night are we calling it?" She asked quietly, trailing her hand up and down his arm suggestively.

"How early do you want to make it?" Severus inquired back.

"Now."


	20. Epilogue

Disclaimer: See Chapter 1

* * *

Five Years Later

Severus picked up the tiny squirming bundle and sat down in the rocking chair next to Hermione's bed. He began to rock back and forth gently, whispering softly in the hope that he could calm his newborn son down enough to get him back to sleep. Hermione had given birth only a few hours ago and was still passed out getting some much needed rest. It had been a difficult pregnancy followed by an even more difficult birth. Nine months of constant morning sickness, back pain, mood swings, and sleepless nights had ended in a 12-hour labor and delivery.

Severus had been at her side every step of the way and had not shied away from any of it. Even as she gripped his hand hard enough to break it and screamed in pain, cursing him between contractions and swearing that she would never let him touch her again. Severus took all of it with his usual stoic grace, encouraging her through it all.

When Hermione finally collapsed against him, panting with the exertion of bringing their child into this world, he held her, kissing her damp forehead and told her how proud he was of her and how brave she had been. His eyes were on her face, still scrunched up in pain as she regained her breath, but his ears were filled with the wailing cries of his newborn son. They both looked up when footsteps approached and saw the Mediwitch walking over with a blanket-wrapped bundle. Severus shifted so Hermione could sit up a little more and the Mediwitch placed their son in her waiting arms for the first time.

"He's so beautiful, Severus." She whispered, gazing at their child in awe.

He felt tears sting his eyes, but sniffed them back quietly. "He's perfect."

Hermione turned to him then and tipped her head up to let him kiss her and they both turned back to their child, now asleep in his mother's arms.

Severus whispered again to his son, still rocking back and forth slowly, holding one of his tiny hands in his own. He whined quietly, refusing to go back to sleep, and he worried the noise would wake Hermione.

"That look suits you." She whispered from the bed. Apparently she had already been awake and watching them.

"What look?"

"Fatherhood."

Severus scoffed internally. He was still getting used to the idea. Nine months had not been an adequate amount of time to prepare for the new role his life would take on. He had barely stepped into the role of husband when Hermione informed him not even two months into their marriage that she was expecting. He had taken the news with delight but was secretly frightened underneath. He worried for Hermione's well-being and whether or not they were ready for this next step so soon.

But the time was here, and he was still scared. Scared that he would somehow mess up the chances their child had. Scared that he would fail as a father and a husband. That he would let his wife and child down in some way. Memories from his own childhood crept unbidden to the front of his mind.

"Severus, take a breath." Hermione said gently. "Relax. He can feel your fear. That's why he won't go back to sleep."

Severus knew in that moment that Hermione was using her skill in Legilimency that he had taught her years ago. He did as she asked and closed his eyes, taking in a slow lungful of air. He let it out just as slowly and tried to close out the negative emotions in his mind. His son began to calm and quiet almost immediately. He stood up and walked the few steps to Hermione's bed and sat down beside her, placing their child in her arms after she sat up.

"Do we have a name yet?" He asked as he watched Hermione stroke the surprising amount of soft black hair on their son's head. They had never sat down to discuss names during her pregnancy. Both of their lives had been too chaotic, and they had come to the conclusion when she entered her ninth month that they would wait until the baby was born and the gender known before choosing a name.

"Well, I have been asleep the last few hours. I haven't really put much thought into it." Hermione replied in a teasing tone. "But I was thinking Tobias, for his middle name."

"My father's name." Severus half sneered.

" _Your_ middle name." Hermione emphasized. "I don't want him to ever forget his origins."

"I see. You want him to be proud of the muggle part of his heritage."

"Of course I do." She traced her index finger lightly down the bride of his nose. "I want you to pick his first name, Severus."

Severus took a breath and let it out. Nothing came to him as he watched his son sleep.

"It will help if you hold him." Hermione placed him back into his arms, helping to support his head as Severus made himself more comfortable on the bed with her. It had been magically expanded just for this purpose so he could sit beside his wife whenever he chose to.

His son remained asleep as he was passed. He sighed quietly and opened his tiny mouth to yawn before trying to stretch inside his blankets, then settled once more into restfulness. He was relaxed and Severus took the time to study his features. Clearly the child would have his hair, and his eyes if the glimpse he had seen before when he first woke up was indeed correct. They were dark, maybe deep brown, but to Severus they had appeared as black as his own. He had inherited his mother's nose, thankfully. Whether or not that would change in the years to come would remain to be seen. But for now he was fresh and new and Severus wished he could freeze the newborn youthfulness of his son's face.

"Julian," He said quietly.

"Julian Tobias Snape." Hermione repeated. "I like it. Welcome, Julian." She bent down and kissed their son's forehead softly so she wouldn't wake him. "Welcome to our lives."


	21. Final Note

Please do note flame at me for changing Hermione's Patronus. I did my reading on it and I consider what I have put her through in this story to be an emotional upheaval, which can cause a Patronus to change form. (Like when Tonks fell in love with Lupin and her Patronus changed into that of a wolf). I put a lot of thought into what form I wanted Hermione's Patronus to change in to and I'm going to explain why I chose a fawn.

First, because it is a juvenile animal, and Hermione's Patronus initially changed after her miscarriage when she was grieving the loss of her and Severus's child. And that is how she explained it to herself, without realizing at the time that the form was complimentary to Severus's Patronus.

Which brings me to reason two. A doe is the mother of fawn, and as such provides protection, safety, and a sense of security for its offspring. Hermione already feels all of these things with Snape when she suffers the miscarriage, but they are increased ten-fold in the intervening years between then and when she gives birth to their son Julian 5 years later.

I'm not trying to say that Hermione needs Snape to be her white knight. We all know that she is more than capable of looking after herself. But as the years go by she realizes that she is truly protected by him. Physically, emotionally, and mentally. He will do everything in his power to keep her safe and whole.

I'll admit I did play around with the idea of changing Snape's Patronus, but I just can't, and I think it makes more sense for Hermione's to change after everything that she's been through. Which is why her Patronus does not change back to an otter, especially after Julian is born. It remains as a fawn, because she is now the mother of Severus's son, his guardian, and Snape is _her_ guardian. So his Patronus remains a doe.

A mother will do anything to protect her child, even give her own life. And yes, this is a reference to Lily Potter throwing herself between Voldemort and her infant son. But in Snape's case his Patronus form and Hermione's represent his instinctual protectiveness for her, and now for his own child.

I hope this has been clear enough. Again, if you don't agree with the decision I've made simply say that and keep the flames to yourself.

Sequel Coming Soon!

I take SSHG back to Hogwarts. However, it will not be picking up where this story is leaving off, so it is not actual a sequel and it's not a prequel. I will be going back to write out the first year of their marriage together, which includes Hermione's pregnancy. I've got some great ideas and some classic Professor Snape moments.

P.S. – more Draco in this story (because I've developed a certain fondness for the Slytherin Bad Boy. Coincidence, I think not!)


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